How many of you  have done something so weird that others claim it’s impossible? I have. (The sound of jaws dropping is deafening!!- Metalmom! Say it ain’t so!) Believe me, I couldn’t make this shit up

When I was in third grade, I got hit by a parked truck. (yeah I said parked- Shut the fuck up!) Back in the day, kids could leave school and go home to eat lunch *GASP*. I raced my friend Joey home every day. I was winning our race on this particular day, and I turned around to see how much of a lead I had and……

BOOM!!

A guy in a moving van opened his door and just like in a cartoon, my head was stopped by the door while my feet continued to run! I slid under that door like a runner sliding into home plate. My cute little Catholic school uniform went flying up and I got the most hideous case of road rash from my knee almost to my hip. A huge lump began to grow on my forehead.The guy tried to help me but I was so embarrassed, all I wanted to do was get away!

When I got home, Mommy cleaned my cuts, iced my head and fed me lunch, all the while yelling at me for running like an idiot and goddammit I was sure lucky I didn’t tear my uniform or scrape up my shoes! And then–she sent me back to school—WITH A CONCUSSION!!!

To this day, when the subject comes up, she cannot look me in the eye. This has become family legend. Mommy was a SUPERMOM and oh boy did she fuck up with this one! She tends to say “What was I thinking?”  What indeed!! This is just another of the pieces to the puzzle that is Metalmom. Does this explain how my mind works? Or how it doesn’t work?

Hello all you WONDERFUL people who have stopped in to visit!! I am not doing a Monday Moaning post today because for a change, the only moaning has been in my bedroom with Hubs. I had a great weekend and I hope all of you did too!

Well, I did go to the party at my brother’s house and had a great time. My sister obviously had better things to do with her time and so she didn’t come over. This gave my sister-in-law and I a chance to chitchat, catch up on jobs, and exchange recipes. I realized that it is the rarest of occasions when the two of us can have a conversation without ’someone’ jumping in to tell us that our conversations are stupid and turning the topic to herself! My brother was the ultimate host — nice job on the ribs, Joe!! I came home so relaxed–and I only had 3 beers myself! See what a difference atmosphere can make??

In other BS- My back has been pain free for 3 days! (SHIT! Did I just jinx myself?) The biggest test will be  whether or not it bothers me when I go to the shore next week! I have to stay out of the ocean because one stray wave can knock me out of whack, but I’d prefer to sit poolside with some nice Margaritas anyway. I will, however, miss the roller coasters on the boardwalk. They are definitely off limits to me and they have been one of my biggest passions ( next to Hubs!)

My new washer is slightly bigger than the old one and as you women out there know, bigger can be better in alot of ways. I caught up on laundry, and got started on “Harry Potter”. I even made it page three!!

If you would like to bitch anyway- be my guest! You can’t bring me down today…..I’m walkin’ on sunshine!…..Is it stuck in your head now?….GOOD!!

Apparently, I am a schmoozy floozy!  I’ve always been a floozy but now it’s official!! Michael-from Slightly Mordant- has announced that I have the power of schmooze! *sniff* Thank you! I am touched (get your hand out from under my shirt, Mik!)Now it’s my turn to pass this on! First this:

Schmoozing, as defined by Dictionary.com is the ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” When it comes to blogging, schmoozing is your ticket to making new friends, getting yourself noticed and building a reputation. Some blogger’s are gifted with the ability to effectively schmooze and others not so much.

Now for the Schmooze rules:

1. If, and only if, you get the Thinking Blogger Award or The Power of Schmooze Award, write a post with links that make you think, or have schmoozed you into submission.

2. Link to this post and Mike so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

3. Optional: Proudly display the “Power of Schmooze Award”.

 Now, here are my nominations:

1.   Karl, from Secondhandtryptophan-Karl is currently at Blogher Schmoozing  his cute little ass off (a little out of his comfort zone) This guy has balls to overcome his fear! Great going, Karl!!

2.   ChlorineJenny-from I Don’t Play Well With Others-There’s always a party at her house(she says so in the comments) And anyone who can look cool wearing Dopey ears is my bud!

3.   Slick-from Slicksumbich-This guy schmoozed my ass into blogging.(thanks alot!) If he can tell women that men only love them for their boobies and the gals keep comin’ back for more….What can I say? He’ll charm the pants off ya! 

4.   MattMan- from BagwineRuminations-Ladies!! He likens himself to Gene Simmons–’nuff said!

5.   LovingAnnie- from Yes I Love That-I just found her and I’ll never let her go! I’d do anything for (with) her if she’d only ask!*sigh*

RIIINNG!!

“Hello?”

“Hey, Baby. What’s up?”

“Oh, it’s you. Are you on your way home?”

“Yeah. Are you home alone? I sure am hungry.”

“Really? I could go for a nice hot sausage.”

“Oh I’ve got a sausage for you. *chuckle*”

“I’ve got a nice little cupcake for you-all nice and creamy inside with a tiny little cherry on top!”

“Will you wear those cute pink panties that I like?”

“Will you keep on your toolbelt and boots? *giggle*”

“Oh,man you’ve got me all hot!”

“Well I might just have to keep myself all warmed up waiting for you to get here! So hurry up Hubs! I don’t wanna wait all day!”

“HUBS??? ….. Is this Natalie????”

“NATALIE????……Oh shit!! I think you got the wrong number!!”

“FUCK!!!! ..Umm….Nice talkin’ to ya!”

*CLICK*

I knew she was sick. The groaning was getting more frequent. I just kept feeding her and hoping it was indigestion. The groaning got louder. Before I knew it, there was a puddle under her. Yet she and I soldiered on hoping for the best. Yesterday with a scream and a shudder she was gone.

My washer had died.

“Hubs!!” , I screamed up the stairs, “She’s gone! What will I do?My bath towels are sitting here moist, used and getting warm! They’re starting to stink!!”  “Just calm down. I’ll get you a new one tomorrow.”  I was still sad but hey, I’ll live.

“AAAHHH!!!” The sound of my husband screaming in anguish pierced my soul. I ran, heart pounding and back aching, up the stairs from the basement to see what had happened. As I entered the living room, my Hubs-my manly man- was on his knees. His hands covered his face as he sobbed.”Oh,God, NO!” , he cried over and over. “Honey, what’s wrong??? Are you hurt? What is it??” He turned his tear-streaked face up to look at me and said,”Don’t you know?? Listen.”  I stood there and listened. I didn’t know what he expected me to hear.

A very low, whispery hum was issuing from our normally very loud air conditioner. Then it happened again–A grind–then some hums–a grind and then an odor so bad it burned my sinuses. Hubs covered his face again sobbing. “He’s dying. Oh God! What will I do???”

Now I’m nervous. Will he pass on clean clothes in favor of A/C? Or will we be changing our sweat-soaked clothes  repeatedly into clean ones?

“I gotta go”, he said. He left me not knowing what the hell was going on.

He came back with an air conditioner. Well, I’ll figure something out. I’m a woman, it’s what we do.

He left for work in the morning before I ever woke up. The phone rang at the same time the doorbell rang. I grabbed the phone and ran toward the door. Hubs is on the phone.”XX will show up sometime today to deliver your washer!” This barely had a chance to register as I opened the door. “Hey,lady, I’m here to deliver your washer.”

Jeez, I love my Hubs!!

There are five types of drinkers in my family. First, there is my mom. She’ll drink a beer or two or maybe a few glasses of wine and get sleepy. She’ll be very mellow. Second would be my baby brother Dan. He’ll wait until he takes his kids home, come back and proceed to play catch-up.The third is my other brother, Joe. He likes to get to a party early enough so that as soon as the beer is ‘just cold enough’, he’s there. He will also stay until it’s gone. The fourth is where my dad and I fit in. We’ll have a few beers or drinks -enough to catch a buzz- and then we prefer to go home and just chillax. The fifth would be my sister. She DRINKS. It’s like she is afraid that the alcohol will run out before she passes out.

This is where a problem arises. My sister is a great person, don’t get me wrong. She’s funny, beautiful and generous to a fault. However, I don’t understand how this wonderful person can morph into someone that I cannot stand to be near. Laughing and playful all too quickly turns into loud and belligerent. Eventually, it will dissolve into crying and taking everything as a personal assault on her.

Saturday, my brother Joe will be having a cookout for his daughter’s birthday. We are all invited. I’d love to go and hang out and see everyone, but I really can’t stand to see Virginia drink. I was hoping to go early and then leave early (claiming my back hurts-at least it’s good for something!)

Once again, I will be the party pooper who has to go home early, who has to leave before other guests arrive. My brothers understand why I leave. They are both the life of the party, the happy guys who keep everyone laughing. They can ignore her. I can’t. I am the big sister she runs to to ask “Why are they ignoring me?” Does she want an answer? NO. I give it to her straight. I point out the ugly truth. I hold up the mirror. Mom and Dad cover their ears and tell me to be nice. (Do you guys think I can do nice?)

I am seriously considering not going (yet again). I’ll invite my niece out to lunch or to a movie. Maybe when she gets older she’ll understand but for now, let’s blame my back.

     Well, yesterday’s doctor’s visit wasn’t all I’d dreamed it would be. There was no cut and dried answer other than ‘wait’–again.

     I saw the ‘Bone guy’ first,and he said I have a compressed disc that is pressing directly on a nerve. This is causing me pain (YA THINK??) Well, I knew that  already! Apparently, microsurgery is an option (much further down the road), but he certainly doesn’t want to rush into this. He tells me to see his buddy across the hall (ALL IN THE SAME DAY!!-How often does THAT happen??) This buddy is an anesthesiologist who only works with these doctors in this particular practice. After examining me, he concludes that I don’t hurt the way he expects. Certain nerves cause pain in certain patterns and I don’t quite fit the pattern. I guess I’m just a rebel that way! However, he tells me to wait until this particular bout of pain  lets up. I’ll be in touch with him in 2-3 weeks. Then he will be able to try an injection directly into a nerve. If he were to do it now, it may only cause worse pain! THANKYOUVERYMUCH, I’ll wait!!

     On the surface, it doesn’t seem like much has changed, but let me tell you…. My previous doctors would have rushed me into getting steroid injections again and in my desperation, I’d have agreed.This would have been one shot a week for a month. Hubs would miss a half day’s work each time and the results of the shots would have been sketchy at best.

     The doctors I saw yesterday are among the BEST in the area. (There are like 8 specialty hospitals in Center City Philadelphia alone!) They are considered to be the ‘doctors to the doctors’. I feel better knowing that being told to wait wasn’t the same as being told “there’s nothing  we can do for you”.

     For now, I’m waiting….

Today-Tuesday- I’m off to see a neurologist about my back. I honestly don’t know whether I am happy about this or not. As I sit here typing this post, I am sitting on one butt cheek, because that’s about all I can do.

On the one hand, I am happy about the possibility of getting relief from the pain that has become my almost constant companion. However I am also afraid that I may find that this is something I’ll be dealing with forever.

On the other hand, I am apprehensive of being told that there is something that can be done and it may involve surgery. Would I go through with it? I don’t know. I am only 45 and long lives run in my family. My mother’s parents BOTH lived to be over 100 years old (102 and 105). My dad’s mother is still a very active 93. At this rate, I could live for another 45 years. I want to PLAY WITH my future grandkids - not just sit and visit. My hubs loves me dearly, but do I wish to saddle him with the responsibility of helping me move around forever? Hell no!

Some friends and family come to me for advice and I shoot straight with them ( as I do with all of you). If  anyone came to me and said, “Metalmom, What would you do in my place?” I would honestly say “Don’t borrow worry.Wait and see what the doctor has to say”  I will think twice before saying that again because it is oh so very hard to do on my own!

Well, I’m going to attempt the not worrying deal and instead concentrate on what’s really important- like I hope this doctor will prescribe some EXCELLENT DRUGS!!!!

I’ll stop in later and keep y’all posted.

PS: To any of you following the sculpy visions at Pointless-Drivel, you may want to check out what Janna has done! I think the ungodly heat has finally fried her brain! Excellent job, Janna!!

PPS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Shelli! Today she is 20 years old! (YES- 20!!-STFU!!)If you have a second, stop over there and wish her a good one!

Monday is here yet again. Today I have a beef, with a Mr. Ted Turner.

 Dear Mr. Turner,

     This weekend I had the misfortune of being stuck on my back . Lucky for me I enjoy television and movies. My entire family enjoys movies immensely and we happen to own hundreds (seriously) in various genres. This was to be the only thing that would save me from total madness.

     You see, Mr. Turner,I have seen my movies repeatedly and this weekend I was looking for something to watch that would not require me to keep getting up and down to change what I was viewing. YOU  made this impossible.

     I thought you owned the rights to thousands of movies and former television shows. If this is true, then could you explain to me why you choose to  show the SAME  50 or so movies over and over again?? Yes, I will admit,these 50 are very good movies but the enjoyment is tarnished after the 6th or 7th time I view them in a WEEK!!  If you own the series of movies, try showing them IN ORDER!! A marathon would be part1,then 2,then 3-Not part 3,then 1 and then 2! If I tune in to enjoy a movie on Tuesday night, what makes you think I also want to watch the same movie at the same time on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday?

     I gave up on the movie channels and tried cartoons because I can be easily amused when I am taking pain meds. I ended up looking at the same 3 episodes of “Billy and Mandy” that you run every other day of the week! Talk about a buzz kill!! What’s on Boomerang? The same 3 episodes of the Flintstones!! What the fuck is your problem? *TIP* you’d be even RICHER if you gave the people what they want! Assholes like you make it easier for me to buy a movie or better yet, a book.

       Will I give up on TV? No. It is my crack. Will I get TiVo? You betcha!! And I’ll watch what I want, when I wanna and you can suck my dick!

       Sincerely,

       Metalmom

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 In other news Michael has gotten his new site up and running and you should update your blogroll and make sure you’ve got the new one in there. He’s celebrating by having a contest to win some great prizes , so get over there and check it  out!  Our girl Bluepaintred has opened herself a new site ,too. Blue, you have to cut back on the coffee!! Isn’t one blog plenty?? Go visit this new site of hers. She’ll make you laugh over there  too!                                                                                                                         

What is everyone doing this weekend? Tell me Please!!

My back’s been playing some not so nice games with me. I can be moving around like a normal person and then BAM! I walk like Quasimodo!  I might bend over to tie my  shoe and that’s enough to fuck things up. Usually though, the ‘good time’ lasts for a day or two but yesterday and today it seems like only half an hour before I gotta lay down again!(AND NOT WITH COMPANY!!)

Needless to say I’m spending time with books and movies this weekend. Hubs is putting in extra hours at work before we go away in a few weeks. Babygirl will be renewing her romance with Harry Potter. And I’m on my own.

So, help a friend out! Tell me what’s happening, make me laugh, stop in and say hi–just don’t send ‘pity messages’. I just need some fun today!