WARNING! Put down your coffee, orange juice and doughnuts. Empty your mouth and bladder completely before continuing any further!

Pet Camel Kills Australian Woman

By Associated Press

BRISBANE, Australia – An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present, police said Sunday.The woman, whose name has not been released, was killed Saturday at her family sheep and cattle ranch near Mitchell, 350 miles west of the Queensland state capital Brisbane, state police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory said.The 10-month-old male — weighing about 330 pounds — had knocked her to the ground then lay on top of her in what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said.Camel expert Chris Hill agreed with Gregory.Hill, who has offered camel rides to tourists for 20 years, said young camels are not aggressive but can be dangerous if treated as pets without discipline.The woman was given the hand-reared camel in March as a birthday present from her husband and daughter.The fate of the camel is not known.An autopsy of the woman will determine the precise cause of death within days.                                                                                                                                        

I couldn’t pass this up as a “hump day” post for several reasons. One- the obvious. And two- it contained the phrases ‘mating behavior’, ‘camel rides’, and ‘hand-reared’. I know, I’m infantile.

I’m also going to hell!

I ‘ve got alot on my mind. I don’t want to blog about about it because these thoughts are floating through in drips and drabs. Do you know what I mean? Not one seems to make a complete thought but in five minutes, the rest of the thought will show up and interrupt another thought. No, I haven’t been drinking and for the rest of this week I am banned from any medication (just Tylenol and that doesn’t give me the *pleasure*relief I need)

Anyway, there is no resolution on the situation with my sister-in-law and Alex. I am, however, taking all your thoughts into consideration. Everyone had  a good point or two and I will pick and choose what I need. Wish me luck!

Friday, I will be seeing the doctor again. He will touch my nerves and say “Does that hurt?” Fucking morons. Let me touch YOUR bare nerves and see what YOU say!! Needless to say, I am NOT looking forward to this!

Lastly, I have joined Facebook. I don’t know what I’m doing there, but give me a few weeks and I’ll be a genius! Wanna be my friend? Email me or leave a comment. It’s where all the cool kids hang out. (How cool can it be if I’M there?-LOL)

Last week I had an opportunity to spend some time with my 5 year old niece,Alex. We are very close and I sometimes wonder if her parents are even aware of some of the things I talk to this child about. During some of our walks, we have discussed religion, death, heaven and politics. These are not normal topics one would expect of a child. She is always sincere in her questions and I have always given her honest answers (to the best of my abilities).

Last week she asked if she would be able to come over to my house for a sleep over some time. I answered “Sure, we’ll check with your mom and maybe we can do it before you start school again.” Her reply made my stomach turn to ice. “Maybe the next time my mom and dad start to yell, my mom can bring me over first.”

It broke my heart.

Apparently, there are problems with her dad and drinking. When the arguing escalated, this child heard her parents argue over who would leave. At this time, there are other matters going on between my hubs and his sister. We are only just getting back to speaking terms.What can we say to her without being told to mind our own business? It would make a fragile relationship even worse if they knew that we know what’s happening.

What do you say to a child? What do you say to her parents? (if anything?) They are the type of people who will tell you what you need to know and keep you in the dark about the rest.

This truly pisses me off and I don’t like to keep my mouth shut. But my mom always says that “there is a time and a place”. How do you know when its time?

I was watching tv with Hubs this morning and the news channels were all discussing the latest toy recall. Before I say another word, let me say this….

I have children and babies in my house all the time. I also have my “grandbaby” Maggie (Son1′s  pug) So I know the rules of “tiny toys” and tiny fingers.

But….These toy recalls really get me. I understand the importance of recalling toys with toxic paint and tiny magnets because what DOESN’T go into a kid’s mouth? Hubs and I just wondered about  other times and other toys. Where were the same geniuses when Hubs played with lawn darts? Why weren’t they recalled? Is it because his parents KEPT AN EYE ON HIM?? I don’t remember hearing about thousands of kids being impaled by  a stray dart.

Personally, I had a bendable Barbie. She had a wire that ran in her legs allowing Barbie to sit in the Barbie-mobile. My dog chewed her feet and the wire stuck out. Did I put it into my mouth? NO. Did my baby brothers or sister? NO.We simply stopped playing “Barbie” and started playing  ”Jamie Somers” (Bionic Woman to those too young to know!) I also had a Gumby. Gumby could be posed by the wire inside him too.

As Hubs and I went down the list of kiddie dangers we faced on a daily basis, we couldn’t name one person we knew of who had been maimed, killed, or traumatized by any of these ‘dangers’. As a matter of fact, the ONLY recall we could come up with was Super Elastic Bubble Plastic. This was the BEST because it could make you high. I didn’t understand why I got dizzy (I was only 8 years old) but when I mentioned it to Mom she stopped letting us play with it (Party Pooper!) See what I mean? SHE made us stop using it.

I know a few 8 year olds who play with Polly Pocket and if they get taken away because of a few idiots who can’t watch out for their kids, these girls will be unhappy!

******************************************************************************* Just got a text message from Babygirl. SHE’S ON HER WAY HOME!!!! Now I can tell you my good news! I was the lucky winner of a kick-ass pair of shoes in a drawing held by Bluepaintred! They will not fit me (BOO-HOO!) but they will fit Babygirl and she drooled all over the monitor when she saw them! I can’t wait to tell her!!! Thanks,Blue!! Now go see Blue now! NOW!! She’s debating tighty-whities and boxers! OOHH!!!

I feel miserable right now! The walkabout I took yesterday has paid off in unexpected dividends. My allergies have kicked in with a vengeance. I manage to keep them away by one doing one simple thing that does not involve medication. I stay in the air conditioning from May until September  (not really, but almost).Unfortunately, I went out.

Normally, I’m getting up  around 7:30 so I can get a few things done before the kids get here. Today, my dear, dear Hubs got up at 5:30. This isn’t always a problem but it is when he turns on the tv in the bedroom to watch the news. Then he decided to play some solitaire on the computer to kill some time while drinking his coffee. He  woke up the lizard who proceeded to climb and jump all over her cage in an attempt to get him to play with her. (My normal routine.) This can be very loud, especially when the lizard’s room is directly across the hall from my bedroom! The pillow was pulled tight over my head but still, sleep did not open her welcoming arms to me.

Sometimes, waking up this way will give me a headache and I’m a bitch for the rest of the day ( FINE- bitchyER than normal) I didn’t pay too much attention to it, thinking it would go away once I had my coffee. I was wrong.

The pressure in my head grew and eventually I had fluid leaking from my eyes and now I want to blow my nose, but there’s nothing in there.I can’t stop sneezing! Woe is me! I can’t take anything that contains any aspirin or blood thinners of any kind so if you know of an allergy med that won’t make me drowsy or thin blooded-LET ME KNOW!!!

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Well, that was the mucus! Now on to Minnesotans. If any of you are Minnesotan bloggers, head over to Shelli’s place. She is trying to set up a Minnesotan Blogroll (Apparently, they’re everywhere) Just leave a message in the comments and she’ll hook you up. Easy-peasy! There’s gonna be a way to become an honorary Minnesotan Blogger but God only know what kind of hoops she’ll make us jump through! She hasn’t decided what that will entail!

She is also offering to probe any and all of us who desire to be probed! OOH!! What? Not like that? But Shelli, I bought my own astroglide!! Damn! Nevermind. She only wants to interview us like a reporter. I like this idea a WHOLE lot more than memes. I have volunteered. Why don’t you? Same deal as above… see Shelli and comment. I can’t wait!

 AAHH!! I thought Michael’s birthday was Saturday!! It’s TODAY!! Stop by and say Hello!! Love ya Mik!! The same for Stacy!! Let’s not divulge how old she is!!

I took a walk today with my 5 year old niece, Alex.

I got lost.

This is totally logical if you knew the town I live in! There are no row homes and very seldomly do you see two houses even similar to each other. Not only that but damn near every street is a cul-de-sac,  a one-way street or a circle. Plus, I’ve only been here for 5 years and no, I don’t drive.

So anyway, we were going to walk to the nearby CVS. Normally this is maybe a 20 minute walk in each direction so I should have been home in an hour,tops. Right?

Most of our walks are centered around the library, market and Dunkin Donuts. This is in Direction #1. Today we went in Direction #2. I have walked this route before many times. I don’t know what the fuck happened today. I was looking for “C” street and I probably passed it. Rather than backtrack I just figured that we would take the next street that  went in the same direction and we’d end up in the same general area.

Not happening.

This fucking street took a dogleg or two and I ended up one block away from the end of my block. Well, now I know where I am and I resign myself to the fact that I have just walked in a 20 minute detour. Alex asked “Aunt Metal, when are we gonna get there?”I promised her soon and distracted her by asking how rain is made. She proceded to tell me and I think she has an excellent future as a meteorologist.

Now we made it to the store, got what we needed (vitamins and glitter-glue) and went DIRECTLY home. Except……. I made a turn onto the RIGHT street and I was so flustered over getting lost the first time, that I stood still and doubted myself! There I was feeling like I had a great, big, neon “DOUCHBAG” hat on! And Alex looked at me and said “Aunt Metal, you’re the grown-up and I’m the kid. Did you lose us again?”

She laughed at me and I laughed at me and all was well in the world again. We made it home okay, but I think she’ll think twice before walking with me again.

PS: I know the graphic is too big but my editor is still on vacation and I haven’t yet mastered resizing the prints!

I want a cigarette.

Simple as that. NO!! I will not smoke. On the 23rd of this month it will be two years since I smoked a cigarette.It was incredibly hard to quit. I have no desire to pick up this habit again. I had an affair with smokes for 30 of my 45 years on this earth. I hate the taste. I hate the smell. I hate the morning breath. Why did I ever start?

Every so often, however, I have the urge to just light one for Hubs or for my Sons. That’s it. Just light one. When I tried quitting 5 years ago, I’d go for it and light a cigarette and immediately want to puke. I’d run to the bathroom to brush the disgusting aftertaste from my mouth. I don’t know why it was never enough to keep me away, but now, 2 years is the longest I’ve ever been clean. Don’t I sound like a junkie? I am. I am a recovering smoker. I know more than a few of you are smokers. I don’t judge a single one of you. I will support any one who wants to quit because I know how hard it is. I also understand (kind of) the type of smoker I am married to. He ENJOYS it. He likes the taste. The sensation. The feeling of the inhale. He has no wish to quit. This saddens me. But on the other hand, I KNOW that if he doesn’t WANT to quit,  all the patches in the world mean nothing!

I really had no idea of what I wanted to post tonight, but I just smelled Hubs light up and I thought “I want a cigarette” So instead I mixed up a drink and I thought I might try alcoholism instead(KIDDING!)

I can’t even imagine what a true junkie must feel like. “Oh I’d like my veins to burn!” or maybe “I could use a little nausea about now” I don’t know the answer.

I just know that 10 minutes ago, I wanted a cigarette and now I don’t.

Babygirl is away with a friend and her parents. This week she is in North Carolina spending a carefree week without her Mom.

I miss her.

This is not the first time she has gone away with friends. She has been to other states with her uncle, with Kitty’s family and others. I don’t know why this is different. She should be having a great time. Robin’s family is the type that is having ‘theme nights’. Last night they had Italian food and watched “Under the Tuscan Sun”. Tonight she texted me “THEY FED ME CURRY! EWW!!” She said this was ‘oriental night’ ( I thought curry was Indian) Anyway, she made do with white rice. I had to remind her that kids in third world countries have survived on rice for centuries. Her reply was “I’M ON THE POSH OUTER BANKS!!” I could hear the sarcasm in her text and my heart ached!

She will return on Saturday. This is only Monday night (soon to be Tuesday). I miss hearing her whine for a turn on the computer or money for the mall. In a few weeks she’ll be back to school and tied up in school work, sports, football games and band practice. I won’t get much time with her, and I’ll miss her again but it will be different knowing that she’ll be home sleeping in her own bed.

Right now, I MISS BABYGIRL!!

Hello, hello, and hello! Right off the bat, let me just say that I had a wonderful vacation. I have a great tan, my back is FUCKING AWESOME(!) and my boys kept the house fairly clean (Son1 even did their laundry!)

BUT…..This is Monday Moaning and I got beef….

When I go away, I need a place to just shit, shower, and sleep.I’m like a frat boy that way.My whole family feels the same way. We go out to eat and to play. We go back to the room to shower and nap and then we’re out again. On Monday, we learned that a sign stating “No Loud Radios” did not apply to ipods on ampliers. We also learned that drinking beside the pool  can begin at 9 am (even though the pool is not supposed to open until 10 am.) Okay, everyone is on vacation so Metalmom is going to wear her “tolerance cap” because we’ll be leaving to go out shortly anyway. Right?

On Tuesday, we went out to the beach and only lasted about 2 hours. Hot doesn’t begin to describe how it felt! (I’m not telling the temperatures because I will be laughed out of the blogosphere by some of you) Anyway, the heat gave me a headache and made Babygirl’s friend Kitty whine about her stomach or something. So we headed back to our room to sleep a little. Ah, bliss!……NOT!

Suddenly the peace was shattered by the vibrations wracking my bed! ( I was alone, pervs!) Music was playing 3 rooms away from speakers 3 FEET TALL!! This Motherfucking douchbag was apparently a friend of the manager AND a professional DJ from New Yawk! Chill!  I got nothing against ANYONE from New York but picture Andrew Dice Clay in a hair shirt! The Chicken Dance, Madonna, Bob Seegar and any other cheesy party staple you could name was blaring! I love music so I could be tolerant, but my molars were being ground to nubs! If I had played my German Deathmetal no one would be amused but people were dancing around the pool and off the balconies. I could enjoy the partying from OUTSIDE but INSIDE you couldn’t hear the music. It was the vibration and thudding that drove us nuts. Mr. Manager said “everyone likes” but promised it would be done by 10pm . Well, fuck me Martha I guess that’s Ok!

Well, luckily a few other rooms also complained and the radio was limited to 4-7 pm but really-get a DJ and ADVERTISE it that way! Just from walking around Wildwood, it’s obvious that there are a lot  of people who would get off on a vacation like that. He could have had THE party place! Instead he had more than a few annoyed tenants.

I’ll be filling you guys in on the rest of my adventures but Babygirl just left for North Carolina and took the photos on her memory card.

What happened to ADC Hairyguy? He had a hissy fit about the complaints and left the hotel  3 days sooner than he had planned and took up residence at another hotel. Fucking Asshole! Who travels from New York to New Jersey toting 3foot speakers and not for a gig? Anyone?

Well, well, well!!  It seems a GOOD TIME was had by all!  I came home from my vacation to find …. let’s just say evidence of your debauchery EVERYWHERE!!!

Several things in my sinks (umm….GROSS!!!)  The following may be claimed, no questions asked:  1 large inflatable sheep, 3 pairs boxers, 4 thongs, 2 tubes KY, 1 French Horn stuffed with a smurf doll, “Snatch Me if You Can”,  and 1 shower curtain (not mine) covered with mayonnaise.  There is a lawn chair on my roof and the police stated that the “naked man seen running past the school was not only covered in hair, but he was yelling ‘Metalmom  Rules!’ “

Okay, you wankers! Couldn’t you keep it IN THE HOUSE? Jeez, have we all aged so much that  we’ve forgotten  to hide signs of partying when the parents are away?

Apparently, now I have to call in a cleaning crew because of the mustard drawings of  penises on the wall and the stains on my furniture (DON’T WANNA KNOW), plus I have to unpack. I’ll catch up with you villains later!

Have a good weekend–Just not at my house!

PS: Who stuck cheese in the air conditioner??