I have nothing to say today except this:

Mr Fabulous has gone away so the mice will play. In this case, the mice are Mrs Fabulous and Janna (blogauthor of such gems as Jannaverse,  Jantrails and the ever popular Jantics). Yes, boys and girls, the ladies are ruling the roost over there and if you ask me, they are giving the lord of the manor a run for his money in the laughs department. Janna has held up her end of the deal with the devil by posting in Fab’s absence. (A daunting task if you ask me!) Now it’s Mrs Fabulous’s  turn .

The elusive Mrs Fabulous will take the helm on Pointless Drivel Live tonight at 7:00PM ET on Blogtalk Radio. You heard me- Mrs Fab will SPEAK! Janna will be co-hosting. This is THE blog event of a lifetime! Make sure to get your list of questions ready and try to get through on the call in line. I guarantee it’ll be packed!

As Janna’s official bodyguard, I must warn you-If any of you damn paparazzi try to get pix of my girl J, I’ll put a hurt on you! So be nice, call in and DON’T ask her about the time  she did the thing with that guy at the place! That would be rude!

To hear the show, click here. On the right, click on the bar that says “my radio show”.

BE THERE!

The frustrations  of the week caught up with me last night. A week’s worth of playing, walking, and cleaning also won the race. Both crashed into me hellahard.

I went to bed. I didn’t write a post. I didn’t care. (”Maybe I’ll just skip tomorrow” was my thought as I dressed for bed.) I didn’t even shower.

I think mental exhaustion is worse than physical exhaustion. When your body is tired, you must stop what you are doing or your muscles will give up or you will collapse. But when your mind is tired you just can’t do that. Even in the dark of the night, your mind is working it’s deviousness.  It never seems to stop.

But he came to me around 2 am. The lover I had been waiting for. As I lay there, he began to stroke my hair and face.I closed my eyes and he touched each eyelid ever so lightly. The grains of sand that seemed to be rubbing on my eyeballs were gone, replaced by a sweet coolness. He wrapped me in his gentle arms. I melted into the warmth of him. He smells so clean, and I inhaled deeply. A sigh. That’s all it took. The Sandman stayed with me.

I don’t have to get up. No school, no job, no kids. I can savor the hours as much as I wish. The thought is glorious. Hubs kissed me good-bye as he left for a small Saturday job. I said bye, and rolled over to snuggle back into my warmspot.I was falling …..tumbling…..back into my lover’s arms…..

chirpa chirpa TA WEET! chirpa chirpa TA WEET!

Oh.Hell.No.

I’m playin’ with a gun. So dodge these bullets:

*If you commented on yesterday’s post, THANK YOU. I can’t tell you how much your thoughts and words helped put a bandaid on a big hurt. I talk about enjoying a drink myself every now and then, but believe me, it’s not as frequent as it may sound.(For obvious reasons)

*I took some advice and had some quiet time (with baby in tow, but she was an angel) We took a great walk and I notice that the leaves are starting to change.I also saw some chipmunks and squirrels and it was very relaxing.

*When is fall actually going to get here? I know that technically it IS fall, but come on!All week it has been hot and humid. 85 degrees is NOT fall! My air conditioner is on for cripe’s sake!

*My basement is a mess. I guess I have to clean it if I want to find my Halloween decorations. Speaking of which, how early is too early to decorate? I’m ready now! Not for everything, just a little at a time. The family says October 1. I’m getting antsy.

*I don’t think I’ve EVER wanted a Friday so badly. I just need to put my feet up with no kids, and read or nap or OOH! I’ll do my nails! Yeah……now to choose a color…

You Know Who You Are.

Where on my profile does it say to call me if you get arrested? I have made the offer to others but not to you. You had the balls to call me last night-at an hour that I like to be asleep- and asked me to come and get you. I don’t drive. You know that, how could you forget? You’ve known me for your whole life!! Were you TOO DRUNK???

Were you driving drunk? No. But you were sloppy drunk and your “boyfuck” threw you out. You destroyed his house. Hubs went to get you. He drove 30 minutes to get your sobbing ass and take you home. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! While you waited for MY husband, you slurred on the phone with me. You swore you weren’t drunk. If you weren’t, why did three cops and my husband say you stunk so bad? If you weren’t, how did you trash someone’s home, end up with scrapes on your knees and ALLOW a man to talk to you so disrespectfully? If you weren’t drunk, why didn’t you call Dad or one of our brothers? Because they would have said NO.

You had THE NERVE to ask me to let you stay the night. NO again. I’ve listened to your shit before. Everytime it’s the same. You’ll never date on-line again. You’ll never drink and drive. You’ll be a better person. When will you grow the fuck up? You’re over 40. You’re not cute or funny when you drink anymore. You are a sad, sloppy barfly. I will not clean up after you.

Where did our lives become so different? We had the same parents. We grew up loved and happy. There was never abuse.We were LUCKY! goddammit! What jaded you so badly?

I’m sorry. I love you dearly. I can’t do it any more.

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I’m sorry you had to hear that. I had to vomit my disgust somewhere and this is MY blog. Where better? Any suggestions? Where do I go from here? Please, friends. I need a prayer.

Tonight I went grocery shopping. Nothing exciting there, right? Well when we got home things changed.

I grabbed a few bags, and went ahead of Hubs to open the back door and prop it open so we could bring in our many bags.I put my packages down and turned to the screen door(which is made of metal). I then heard a sound.

*tap-tap-tap*

Hmm…what could it be? The door has two large glass windows, so I could see that there was no one there. I OPENED THE DOOR ANYWAY! What kind of  ass does something like that? HELLO? Over here!

Anyway as I cracked the door, a bee got into my 14′x6′ kitchen (it is TIGHT!)  I heard the bee buzzing near the floor, but with the lights not reaching there, I couldn’t see it and thought it was just a beetle or something. Well it came to its senses and flew right into me.It bumped into me is more like it. Yes, BUMPED!!

This motherfucker was 3″ big.  If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’!!!  I almost shit myself right there! I screamed like a bitch and ran from the house, into the back yard. The 18 year old from next door was outside having a smoke and he became quite entertained. Hubs came to see what was going on.

He put down his grocery bags and took charge. I got wet just watching him! He grabbed a 5″ x 5″  Tupperware container and tried to trap the bee inside. WTF?? He was stalking this monster with a tiny piece of plastic!  Well, I wasn’t turned on by the stupidity, so I proceded to go back in and grab a dish towel. Hubs took the towel away from me and swatted the bee.

Where did it go? We could hear a trapped buzzing sound but still couldn’t see it. Finally, by following the roar of buzzing, we found it trapped in an empty trash can. Hubs kept saying, “Leave it alone! Get out of the way!” but I took the towel and covered the trashcan.  I took it outside and dumped it out and STOMPED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT BITCH!!

The kid from next door was laughing his ass off and clapping like this was all for his amusement. Little fucker!

I was really proud of myself for being brave enough to do something like that until……I realized that I hadn’t gotten wet by watching Hubs’ display of manliness. I had peed a little in fear.

FUCK.

I got this from Shelli and it sounded like fun. Not having anything else ready I decided to do this. Like a cake, I have many layers:

LAYER 1
Name: Metalmom  (only the chosen ones know my ‘real’ identity)
Birth Date: February 12
Current Status: Married. Same guy, many years.
Eye Color: Brown-unless punched, in which case, black, purple and sometimes green.
Hair Color: Black (sometimes with grey roots)

Layer 2
My Heritage: 50% Native American  50% Irish- EXACTLY -no shades of grey.
My Fear: SPIDERS  and most recently- finding a spider in my cootch.
My weaknesses:  Kryptonite….okay, cheese.
My Perfect Pizza:  has already been eaten.

LAYER 3
My thoughts first waking up: “Shit!”
My bedtime: 20 minutes after the Ambien
My most missed memory:  I forget

LAYER 4
Pepsi or coke:  Pepsi to drink but coke to snort.
Single or group dates: GROUPS!!  Orgies are more fun with more than two people!
Adidas or Nike: All Day I Dream About Sex….or….Not If Kids Exist…Hmmm, that sounds right.
Tea or Nestea:  My man Earl Grey!
Chocolate or Vanilla:  Let’s not get racist!
Cappuccino or Coffee:  This is America!!!  COFFEE!!!

LAYER 5
Smoke: Who’s got weed?
Curse:  Like a motherfuckin’ truck driver!
Take a shower:  Why don’t YOU?  I’m good in the hoo-ha department.
Have a crush: Everyone does…on FAB!
Think you’ve been in love: I sure as hell hope so!
Go to school:  Been there-Done that.
Want to get married: Not really,  but I did anyway.
Believe in yourself: Yes, but I don’t believe in leprechauns.
Think you’re a health freak: Yes, I am a hell of a freak.

LAYER 6
Drank alcohol:  Yes, please.
Gone to the mall:  When dragged (or drugged) choose your own spelling for this one.
Been on stage:  Yes, as a giant sneaker-DON’T ASK!
Eaten sushi: If you knew sushi like I know sushi, you’d eat her too!
Dyed your hair:  Not my pubes.

LAYER 7
Played a stripping game:  Yes, AND LOST.
Changed who you were to fit in:  Only to fit into a dress.

LAYER 8
Get married:  Who’s the asshole who doesn’t listen?

LAYER 9
Best eye color:  Hazel
Best hair color:  Strawberry blonde
Long or short: I would go short if I didn’t have so many fucked up cowlicks.

LAYER 10
A minute ago: Thinking of sushi…..
An hour ago: Reminiscing about tying Babygirl to the upstairs railing when she was 9. (Not me! Her brothers! I swear!)
A month ago: Missing Babygirl when she was on vacation.
A year ago: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you.

LAYER 11
I love: Family (and Southern Comfort)
I feel: With my hands
I hate: insurance companies
I hide: my sex toys
I miss: my flat tummy and high tight tits.
I need: an aspirin.

FINALLY!

I have been holding on to this since Thursday because I knew if had done it right  away, I’d have been in a straight jacket for the weekend! Or maybe the jacket WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN COVERED!

I think that maybe you can tell– I’m pissed off at the insurance company. The IDET procedure-the one that will make me into a wild thing again– has been rejected. It is simply too new for them to consider. They would rather pay for me to get needles in my back (one a week for 4-5 weeks), then get more injections (under general anesthesia) and then start again with the ‘one a week’ in a vicious circle, plus all the pain meds I need until I am addicted. Once I am addicted, I’m not covered for a rehab of any kind. Nice,Huh?

This is so fucked up! I don’t understand how they can justify this. Practicality says pay ONCE and make the problem go away. I’ll still pay a monthly premium and YOU WILL MAKE MONEY.Instead these assholes will pay the doctors and hospitals MILLIONS OF DOLLARS because of their stupidity. I would like to  apologize to all of you right now. Those of you who are paying for your insurance while not having an immediate need for it (God Bless You!) are going to be paying for my meds and hospital needs. WHY!!????

I had this same gripe years ago. I was young, and we were barely making money.We had a kid and didn’t want any more at the time.Yet the insurance company wouldn’t cover birth control. But it WOULD cover prenatal shit, hospital fees, testing ,etc. Where is the logic in this?

Hey, Hillary Clinton! If I vote for you, what are YOU going to do about this? Is this part of health care reform? If insurance companies weren’t wasting all the money on bullshit, we could afford to pay  for other things. Remember, November is coming-SHOW ME SOMETHING!

Oh, and this isn’t over. I am going to appeal the denial. I hope they will take pity on me. If they don’t……well, THIS rant will have been NOTHING compared to what I will do!

When I wrote about my friends on Friday, I left one out. Not because she’s not important, because she’s VERY important. It’s just that she isn’t a blogger. Oh she’s been around. She knows who each and every one of you are. She has lurked all over you guys!!

My friend is Lostmahead. It may take her a little longer to post a comment because she tries to make things perfect, or one of her 4 kids NEEDS her NOW, or her husband wants to read over her shoulder. (So if you have actually gotten a comment from her, YOU ARE A LUCKY PERSON!)

We have been together since we were 16. We went to school together. We went to dances together. We went to parties together.So you see, like trees, our roots run deep. She is there for me when I am not feeling great. I am there for her when no one wants to hear about her *ass* husband. And now there’s the “other thing”.

Babygirl is dating her son. (Handsome #2) We have been trying VERY HARD to step back and see what happens. These two have been together for 9 1/2 months. They have known each other forever and it seems natural to see them entwined with each other.

Lost and I joke about what it will be like when we are old(er) and confined to our wheelchairs. This has taken on a new meaning in light of our kids. What if they marry?(not planning or hoping-just what if) We’ll fight over grandkids and who gets the holiday visits. We’ll grow to hate each others guts. I’d lose my soul sister.

Eh, probably not. I’ll be the one with Alzheimer’s who forgets there was ever an argument and can’t wait to have tea with the old lady sitting next to me.

Click it and make it big- it’s worth it!

Oh you perverts! You’re supposed to be thinking “Oh poor Metalmom! She is so pure and virtuous! This must be something she is being forced into doing!”  All of you manly men out there should be running to save me! Fuck you too.

Actually today I am bending and kneeling to plead for my readers to  vote for our very own Mr Fabulous as “BEST HUMOR BLOG” I know most of you are his friends too, but if you’re not already, go there and say hello. Read the archives, listen to the radio show and see who is a bigger whore than me– FAB IS!

Now go vote for Mr Fabulous and his blog to win BEST HUMOR BLOG. He deserves it. And encourage all your friends and family to do so.

Don’t think I’m doing this for nothing! Hell no! I’ve got better things to do! But I REALLY want one of these:

The OhMiBod would rock my world. But I’d have an awesome time with the iPod Shuffle too. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t sneeze at the $75.00  Barnes & Noble gift card.

Make sure you comment at Pointless Drivel and let Mr Fabulous know that you posted or else you won’t get  a chance at the great prizes!)

Now GO! Do your thing- I just did mine!

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I had such fun on yesterday’s post and judging by the comments you did too. I’m glad you did and it was a party in the comment section since EVERYONE stopped in to say hi. I think I’ll do this once a month  and you’ll NEVER know when it’s coming! Thanks!

And have a great weekend!

Let’s stroll through our little neighborhood and see what sort of things we can find, shall we?  *cue sunny music*

Wow! We just entered the  street and already there’s something going on! There’s Finn and Lynda taking pictures. Someone forgot to tell Lynda that the webcam should be hooked to the computer first! Are they taking pix of Teri? Come on guys! She’s only bringing in her magazines! A little further on and there’s Stacy and two idiots! Stacy’s waving to…Tug! She must be off to Old Woman Creek again! Bye, Tug!! We walk on and MMM….smell that? Slick must be making spaghetti and meat sauce. I’m getting peckish!

Hey look! A two-family yard sale! Looks like Fantastagirl and the Nobody’s are playing copycats again! Both are doing work on their basements and need to clear some junk. “Hey Fantastagirl! Is it true you fed your kids chocolate bread?” There’s Shelli’s house. She’s not home.(I hear she’s in computer rehab-poor dear!)

What’s that shrieking noise? Oh that’s Mr Fabulous screaming about a gator ate a baby or some shit! Fab, that’s not fear. Ask Peggy. She scared of pencils, or Kapgar who’s a little nervous about the dark coming earlier.Be a man like Michael. He’s not afraid of zombies on the bus!

Watch out! Here comes Blue! She’s chasing down those boys of hers!Blue, send them to Usedtobeme-she can teach them life lessons from her Thursday thirteen. If that don’t work, send them over to Jenny for swimming lessons. Just don’t let them swim in Janna’s pool!! It’s rumored that olive oil and used condoms float in there!(Jeez-I thought that was Avi’s deal!)

Snackie-poo (Or should I say Snackie-PEE?) is talking to DutchBitch. Seems Dutchie got some ’special art’ with pubes attached! EW! Send the art over to LovingAnnie’s house- she’s been touching herself again! CLOSE THOSE CURTAIN’S!!

Well!! Lookie here!! In the last yard there’s a rocking party!! Between Carolyn and Webmiztris, they’ve got the place jumping! Carolyn, the guitar lessons are paying off!You’re catching up with Webby in the talent deparment!  I heard that it’s a double celebration over there. Karl turned 41 and MattMan hit the 500th post! Nice job, guys! For crying out loud….”Somebody get ADW away from the alcohol!! She’s eyeballing that stud over there in the assless jeans! Put those eyes back in your head missy!!”

Listen, since we’ve seen everybody, and we’re here at the party, why don’t we grab a beer and join in. We’ll have to do this again sometime! Bye!!

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PS: I hope you don’t mind my taking liberties with your blogs. I had fun. Did you?