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Today I realized that I have bounced. Not the straightforward, up/down bounce, but more like the “bounced off a pebble and skewed off to the left” kind of bounce.
The guys returned to work and I have Son1’s girl, J, here with me. Laundry is getting done, clothes are folded and are making it into the drawers, and other signs of routine are beginning to unfold. But it’s not the same.
We’ve spent the past week or so with family. Some traveled up here from Maryland and Florida and others have traveled down from State College. Weddings and funerals as the saying goes…..
Hub’s routine will slowly change. He can’t pop in to see Dad before or after work. Dad always felt like part of the business when Hubs described the day-to-day grind and when he mentioned the names of the builders that Dad had done business with.
My routine is easier to get back into. The kids take my mind off of things. The little chores can be done with little thought.But still, the mind tends to wander…
My husband lost his father and best friend. It has been devastating to watch.
I, on the other hand, still have both of my parents. My paternal grandfather died when I was nine. I really didn’t understand. My paternal grandmother is still alive. She will be 96 this year.My maternal grandparents lived to the ages of 103 and 105. I met them only once in my life.
As I tried to comfort my children, I never said that “I know how you feel”. I don’t. They were incredibly close to their grandparents. I cannot imagine.
When my own parents die, will I be able to bounce ever again? As much as I can’t stand Mom’s attitude sometimes, she is still MOM. I dread seeing my Dad live without her. I would miss my Dad horribly. He understands me deeper than I think I understand myself. What would I do without him? What would Mom do without him?
Losing someone is like opening a gate into the mind. The ‘what ifs’ come forward begging to be considered. The fears hidden in the deepest recesses catch a glimpse of light and are visible. I feel like a child in the middle of the night, wondering what is lurking behind the closet door.
It is scary.
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flip flop momma said:
on July 17, 2008 at 3:17 PMthis is hard…I feel so bad 4 your husband and your kids, and u..
losing a parent must be tough..
Losing a grandparent your close to sucks donkey balls and u never get over that I dont think..
Hang in there, it will all get better sometime..
flip flop mommas last blog post..pour some water on me
Finn said:
on July 17, 2008 at 3:24 PMFinns last blog post..Thursday Photo: Pacified
NYCWD said:
on July 17, 2008 at 4:43 PMYes… it does in fact bring the “what ifs” forward… but at the same time… I think the eventual “new reality” prepares you a little bit for the “what ifs”.
Or maybe not.
Either way… life is definitely different.
NYCWDs last blog post..Tryptophan Overdose
Metalmom said:
on July 17, 2008 at 4:59 PMflipflopmomma-I can see how much their suffering is different from mine. “Sucks donkey balls” seriously DID come to my mind but I’m too much of a lady to say that! *cough cough*!!
Metalmom said:
on July 17, 2008 at 4:59 PMfinn-
Metalmom said:
on July 17, 2008 at 5:01 PMNYCWD-Life will surely be different…I like the thought of the “New Reality”. I hope it is some kind of preparation.
Fantastagirl said:
on July 17, 2008 at 5:22 PMIt’s so hard to have the right words, (I never do) and to watch your children and your husband go through this has to be incredibly difficult.
sending you good thoughts, I could give you the song and dance, he is in a better place, etc – but I just want to strangle people that say that – because it hurts and even if he lived to 120, it would have been too soon.
HUGS!
Grant said:
on July 17, 2008 at 6:38 PMAnytime someone mentions my parents I always hope they are dead, or at least in a lot of pain. It would be too much to hope that they left me any money. So, like you, I can sympathize because I can’t say that I can sympathize. Just do the normal thing and turn to booze and pills to solve all of your problems.
Grants last blog post..Recipe
Tug said:
on July 17, 2008 at 7:20 PMYes, you will bounce, because you are strong and have a wonderful support system…
((hugs))
Tugs last blog post..Yellow Flower
Froggywoogie said:
on July 18, 2008 at 5:31 AMYou know that plants renew themselves when their dried parts are cut off.
We are parts of the Nature. We laugh, we cry, we bleed and some events make us grow up some more because we also keep that little scared child inside ourselves.
Froggywoogies last blog post..I HAVE to visit Indiana, it’s the law
Metalmom said:
on July 18, 2008 at 9:27 AMFantastagirl- Thanks for the thoughts.I often feel the same way about all the phrases used when someone dies. I ignore that and focus more on the sentiment and sincerity behind it.
Metalmom said:
on July 18, 2008 at 9:28 AMGrant-I can always count on you for the laugh!
Sometimes though, I wonder if you are truly serious. 
Metalmom said:
on July 18, 2008 at 9:29 AMTug-Maybe I’ll bounce because I already jiggle. A jiggle can lead to a bounce, don’t you think?
Metalmom said:
on July 18, 2008 at 9:30 AMFroggywoogie-I have never looked at it that way. Thank you. It is a comforting notion.
Winter said:
on July 18, 2008 at 10:05 PMYeah, I can’t put into words what it feels like to lose your parents. Everyone takes it differently too. There are no words for the pain, the emotions, the loss you feel. Twenty years later the loss is still there and some moments it’s very acute. Other times, I won’t think of it for days or weeks, but I know it’s there. They are always with you… and so is the loss. Yet, our lives go on through happy and sad. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish no one ever had to experience this. *HUGS*
Winters last blog post..I Need A Shrink
DutchBitch said:
on July 19, 2008 at 2:59 AMUnfortunately I know from experience that losing a parent is devastating. I lost my dad over 11 years ago, and though I had always thought I would be ok about it (well, not ok, but I could handle it) it was harder than I could’ve ever imagined. I am sorry for your husband’s loss, for your loss, the kids loss and I hope that your parents will be around still for a loooong time. Muah!
Metalmom said:
on July 19, 2008 at 9:23 AMWinter-Hubs is one of seven and I watched seven different reactions to Dad’s loss. You are so right. But we are moving on the best we can.
Metalmom said:
on July 19, 2008 at 9:27 AMDutchBitch-I know how much you still miss your Dad.”..I had always thought I would be ok about it (well, not ok, but I could handle it)…” That’s kind of how I feel and it’s scary to know that we are not always right!
Janna said:
on July 20, 2008 at 4:20 AMWishing you comfort and strength.
And lots of hugs.
What?
No, I didn’t copy that from a Hallmark card.
I totally made it up, all by myself.
Jannas last blog post..Ignoring the body of evidence
Lisa said:
on July 20, 2008 at 11:36 AMI’m so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I wish I had magic words to make it all better but I don’t. I know when my husband lost both of his parents the only thing I could do was be there and listen when he needed me. I did what I could to comfort him. Still I know it’s hard.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Metalmom said:
on July 20, 2008 at 2:09 PMJanna-Thank you. With your twisted way with words, you should make cards for Hallmark. “Sorry your toaster blew up” or “Congratulations on getting your boil lanced.”
Metalmom said:
on July 20, 2008 at 2:14 PMLisa-With everything you are going through and you still stopped here….thank you. It means alot. I think about you often.