I like a joke as much as the next person. I don't take things very seriously and I hope you don't either. Hope you didn't come here to whine 'cause I don't wanna hear it!
At my nephew Mark’s school, they post the teacher assignments for each grade. Mark has been waiting anxiously for this information. He kept his fingers crossed that it wasn’t Mrs. Warty-face.
He came to my house today beaming from ear to ear.
“Aunt Metalmom!! Guess what! My teacher this year is Miss Vaughn!”
“Gee, Mark, that’s great! You know what they say about Miss Vaughn, don’t you?”
“Yup! “That Veronica Vaughn is one fine piece of ace”.”
(I was going for ‘she’s the nicest third grade teacher’ – REALLY!)
I think we watched “Billy Madison” one time too many this summer.
I went to the doctor for a checkup on my thyroid function last week. It seems to be working okay, except for one thing. I’m not losing weight. This is a concern not only for me but for the doctor as well. I’m not getting younger and this could be serious further on down the road.
I know y’all are probably tired of hearing about this, but it’s weighing (HEH HEH) heavily on my mind.
I’m exercising. I’ve cut out a majority of the carbs. I gave up the Southern Comfort (except for ONE- only once a week). I stopped using butter. I’m eating more veggies. And still nowhere.
So the doctor gave me something called Alli. It binds with the excess fats in my meals so that my body doesn’t absorb it. It simply passes through.
Quickly.
Did you ever hear of ‘olestra’? It’s that stuff that made the news when someone made potato chips with this stuff. It caused “anal leakage“.
Yup. You read that right. “Anal Leakage“. As in ‘Hershey squirts’. As in ‘skitters galore’. As in ‘fart+ shit= shart.’ As in ‘fart + poop = foop”.
If I take this stuff I run the risk of the sharts.
The horror is that I’m considering this. You see, it is used as behavior modification , kind of like those dog collar shocker things. If the dog goes beyond the boundaries set, he will get a shock. So he learns not to do that. If I go beyond my allowance of fats, I will have “digestive consequences”. (Yeah, that’s what they call it.) I will be forced to learn a new way of controlling what I eat.
As long as I pay attention, I have no problems. If there is a reason why I am eating a high fat count meal, I simply don’t take the Alli (hence I won’t gain the benefit of having that fat ‘flushed’.) I can expect to safely lose approximately 3 pounds a week. After I stop taking Alli, I should be accustomed to eating a diet with lower fat counts and a steady amount of calories. Eating differently would mean keeping the weight off.
I know I could probably just alter my eating habits on my own, but knowing myself, I will cheat. There will be no consequences for bad behavior. The Alli will keep me accountable.
I tend to stick close to home unless I take the kids somewhere. Besides, they are headed back to school next week. I have a treadmill, so I won’t have to stop walking. (I’ll go back to walking outdoors once my body adjusts.) This doesn’t have to be an embarassing undertaking for me.
What do you think? Do the pros outweigh (heh heh again) the cons? After all, I will be under a doctor’s supervision.
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when the doctor simply prescribed ‘yellow jackets’ or ‘black beauties’? There’s got to be a shyster out there willing to hook a bitch up with some legal speed!
Every Saturday morning, as I drink my coffee, I catch up on my feeds from the week. There is always something new to make me smile, laugh or think. But imagine my surprise when I saw this:
This honor was bestowed on me by none other than Fantastagirl. She truly gave me the “warm fuzzies”! Thanks Fantastagirl!
And now, it is time for me to pass it on. There is only one rule : Don’t give it to someone who already has received it, that way we can all share the love.
I am giving this to two of my favorite men-Avitable and Karl. Both of these guys have great blogs. But today’s post (written by Avitable and posted at Karl’s) was….umm… well, it was…OMG! Just go over there and check it out. I have never laughed so hard in my life!!
To Loving Annie-She never has a bad thing to say about anyone, and when it comes to blogging, it is a huge deal!
To Jezebel-This is one funny, funny lady! I don’t think she has felt loved or appreciated lately and she needs to know that I like her!
And to Whall-There is nothing sexier than a funny man and he is it. Every time I read his blog or his comments through the bloggerhood, I laugh. Can one man really contain that much humor?
So there you have you have it, cats and kittens. check out those blogs and see why I love them. **Let me know if you need bleach for your eyes or brain.
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In other news, Lisa has been sprung from the hospital just in time for the Bead Expo. YAY!! Just because she’s out, it doesn’t mean that we can slack off with the good mojo! Keep sending it her way! Love ya, Lisa!!
Yesterday’s post dealt with ‘memory’ and getting things done. Miss Loving Annie suggested that I get a notepad and write things down. This made me laugh for several reasons.
A few years ago, I decided to get more organized with my life. I began to file things, to get rid of things I no longer used or wore, threw out things that I thought I needed as keepsakes, etc.
One thing stood out glaringly. As I cleared drawer after drawer throughout the house, I found paper. Lots and lots of paper. Scraps of paper, magazine clippings, envelopes and napkins. Each had some kind of ‘important’ message on them.
Recipes for cakes and cookies, do-it-yourself household tips, book titles that I wanted to check out of the library, phone numbers, websites to be checked out, reminders of meetings at school, or doctor appointments. Oh a few were for Hubs–addresses for him to check out jobs, phone messages, etc. But the majority were mine.
So I went to the store and bought a 5-subject small notepad. I separated papers and put everything into it’s little place. It worked out great. Even in July, if I saw something that would make a great Christmas gift for someone, it went into the book.
I named it my “Memory”
It went everywhere with me. I was on top of my game. There it was- in my handbag-whenever I needed it.
Then I changed bags.
It was smaller and not all the same things fit into it. So the ‘memory’ was the first thing to go. I kept it on the table beside my bed. Then I cleaned the bedroom and moved my book to the dining room, where I could access it during the day when something came up. Then I cleared that table because we were having company. Where is it now? I don’t know.
I’ve lost my ‘memory’.
I’d like to find it and start using it again, but what is to stop me from repeating the cycle? When I had it around, I actually used it. But when I misplaced it, I went back to my old habit of using scraps so easily that I never realized the loss of the book until I went to library and couldn’t remember the name of the book I wanted, or I had no idea what I wanted to get my son as a gift for Christmas and couldn’t remember the “perfect” thing that I saw in the spring.
What do you do learn a new habit? How do you keep track of things like this? Am I doomed to forever be the woman with a mind like Swiss Cheese?
Many times a day, I find myself forgetting things. Mostly I forget stupid shit.
I forget to grab the laundry that is upstairs and I will have to make an extra trip. I may forget to take out meat to thaw for dinner. I have even been known to forget to eat breakfast or lunch.
I’m starting to think it’s not my fault. Hubs must ask me a million questions when he gets home.
Did you check the mail? Of course I did. It’s raining and I don’t want it to get wet. Did I get anything? All of it is right there. If you don’t see it, it didn’t come. Are you sure? No, I am hiding it all so I can gift wrap it for Christmas! Did you mail out the bills? No, I want to give all the clients a free ride so we can live on the street someday. Did you pay our bills? No, Let me remind you that I want to live on the street.
When it comes to the business, I don’t fuck around. The billing gets done in a timely manner. Many of our assholes clients only pay their bills one day out of the month. I don’t want to be told that our billing has to wait an extra month before it gets paid. To top it all off, I don’t want to see the clutter of paperwork, so I try to get rid of as much of it as I can.
Lately, I find myself trying to remember if I did these things. Of course I did. I know I did. But if he keeps doubting me or reminding me ten times after they are done, it makes me doubt myself. Why doesn’t he trust me? I’ve never given him a reason to believe otherwise!
He is on my last nerve tonight. The questions started as he came in the door. They continued after dinner. He’s been on my back all night!
All of the checks were written out. All of the bills are labeled. They are all sealed, stamped and ready to go to the post office.
I have a wedding to go to soon. September 5th to be exact. While I am happy for the bride and groom, and the chance to get out with Hubs, I have also been dreading it. Why?
I have to dress “nice”.
I am a jeans and tee shirt girl. I also like sweats. But Metalmom + dresses = hot mess. Usually. I got lucky. This time it won’t be a pitiful sight.
My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD came through for me.
We had planned on dress shopping today. It was a job I dreaded with every atom in my body. I was prepared for disappointment, anger and depression. Instead, when she picked me up, we stopped back at her house to pick up her daughter. “Hey, why don’t you try on the dress I wore to my nephew’s wedding?” she asked. Usually this trick doesn’t work. She likes her dresses long and I like mine short. (Hey, I have great legs! I like to show ‘em off!) She likes browns, tans, and black. I like reds, blues, and even yellow. She will cover up as much as possible and I will show it all off. We don’t normally agree.
Well, if you knew her, you’d know that we weren’t going to get out of the house until I humored her and tried it on. So we went to her room. She searched the closet for the black dress (I was only marginally interested. I knew it was sexy, but I didn’t think it would fit me.) Guess what? IT DID!!!! Not only that, but she pulled out another dress for me to try on for shits and giggles. THAT FIT TOO!!
So now I have two dresses to choose from. Yay!
Plus! Just so we didn’t waste the rest of the afternoon, we went to the mall anyway and I found shoes! And other things to wear with the dress (underwear) I was more than happy because I didn’t have to try everything on for her approval. She is a girly-girl who likes to shop. She loves to try on and she loves to see what I try on. She will go to a bazillion stores just to see what her options are. Not me. So I was blessed that I didn’t have to shop in eight different stores because I “might find something better in store three or five”. I went into store one, found shoes, bought ‘em and walked out. I went into the next store, found a bra that I liked – in my size!- and again, I walked out.
Done! Just like that!
That kind of shit never happens to me. It may take a month of constant searching for me to find something that I can tolerate putting on let alone wear into the public eye. It is a rare thing to find an entire outfit with the minimum of aggravation. You ladies know what I’m talking about.
She’s coming over tomorrow so that she can see the whole shebang. You know, the dress, the shoes, the foundations…. I’ll put them on. Not to humor her this time. This time I’ll try them on like a fashion show so that she can help me choose. Maybe I’ll let her take pictures and I’ll let you guys help me too.
I walked a bit today. Just enough to keep the muscles good. Tomorrow I’ll work ‘em out again. I am planning to do this every other day for a while. Later I will try for every day. Until then, I am becoming very good friends with this:
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On a different note, I wanted to post this for Winter. I think of her every time I hear this song. And it’s also for Unkey Monkey, who agrees with me that these guys are hot! Yes it’s in German, but parts are in English. Learn something new….!
I have been exercising. No, seriously. I have been paying attention. I have been walking more faithfully. I pulled out my weights. I pulled out my treadmill for really hot or rainy days. I’m tired of carrying this lard with me.
Most of my walking is done in the morning. It’s cooler. The streets are quieter. And the dog seems to like it too. Most times I manage to get home again early enough to shower or just sit down to watch Good Morning America before the kids get here. It’s been working out good for me.
Babygirl also walks. She meets a friend and they go walking almost every day. They leave well after I get home, and sometimes she is not even aware that I have left the house and returned.
Here’s what I didn’t know.
Her friend has been walking to lose weight too. He used to weigh 245 lbs. at the beginning of the summer. Now he weighs 216 lbs. and is still working at it. She has been his ‘trainer’. She’s been pushing him and encouraging him not to give up.
Tonight, Hubs and I decided to walk after dinner. Since she had just returned from a softball game, and was already in her workout clothes, she decided to go with us. We took our normal route. Not too long, not too short.
And then things got ugly.
As we neared the point of returning home, she called me a wuss. “You call that a walk?” THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS!!
So we accepted the challenge.
We saw parts of our town that we never knew existed. We saw the homes of ‘Old Money’- those homes with boats, Lexuses and BMW’s in the wrap-around driveways. We saw gardens galore (that itself was a whole other nightmare! Oh, the skeeters!!))
We walked aproximately 2.5 – 3 miles. (Compared to the usual ONE mile!) We went up hills and down. We went over the river and through the woods. Literally. Well, to be honest it was more like a creek, but hey, there was still water involved!
We got home 2 hours after left we left. (Can that be right? Wouldn’t that mean we actually walked further than 3 miles? I sure as hell feel like it. I’ll have to tell Hubs to drive that route and measure the mileage.)
My left foot has a blister. My knees are killing me. Not wearing a sports bra means that my boobies jiggled like jello and now they hurt too. I think even my hair hurts.
I will definitely be moaning this Monday morning. But it’s a good hurt.
I think I have found a personal trainer that will work for food!
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