Monday November 03rd 2008, 12:02 AM
Filed under: desire,family,Friends,ineptitude,lessons,Monday

Monday Moaning-Sew What!

I cannot sew.

This is a fact that has cost me years of grief and ridicule by friends and family alike. No, I never took HomeEc in high school. But even though I enjoy doing needlepoint as a hobby, I cannot do a simple stitch.


I can pull together the edges of tear under the arms of a pair of longjohns in the winter. But it will only hold until Hubs can get around to doing it himself. I, on the other hand, solve it by buying new longjohns. I can quickly tack a hem into a pair of pants, but the stitches only hold until the  first washing. I now take pants into the cleaners and ask the woman in there to hem pants for me. The woman now laughs as I enter the store. “Why you no hem youself? It so easy even child do it!”, she says in her Asian accent. Thank God I like her so much. Otherwise I’d be annoyed by her teasing!

I have a sweater that I really like to wear. Unfortunately, the buttons pull free from the buttonholes. So I took them off in order to put on new ones that were only slightly bigger. I searched my sewing box (Yeah, I have one that is full of unfulfilled wishes) I came up with seven perfect buttons that matched and sat down to replace them on the sweater.

Button #1: Knotted the thread so badly, that I had to rip it out and begin again with new thread. (This was accompanied by a few “darns” “drats” and “phooeys”.)


Button #3: Don’t ask me how, but not only did I tangle the thread again, but I also ended up with a “noose” that held the button against my finger. I looked like an ass as I began again. (This was accompanied by a few “shits” “fucks” and maybe a “cocksucker”)

Button #5: I think I’ve gotten the hang of this. It’s not as hard as maybe I’ve made it out to be. I have already done two buttons perfectly! I’m so proud of myself!

I sit back and hold up the sweater to admire my newly acquired handiwork. It was beautiful!! It was a work of art!!

It was on the wrong side of the sweater. (This was  accompanied by “Motherfucker, cocksucker, penis breath, asshole sweater!!!!”)

I heard laughter. Babygirl and her boyfriend were laughing. Apparently HE knows how to sew buttons.

There’s got to be a way to get him to do this for me……


  1. Philly said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 6:04 AM

    My mother could sew like nobody’s business. She made all of our wedding gowns, kids christening dresses,,,etc.
    One would think from watching her all those years one would pick it up.



    Phillys last blog post..Poor Rosie

  2. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 7:29 AM

    Philly-You and me both, Sista! My mom made all the draperies for my grade school in order to pay the tuition for four kids, and she made me and my sister matching jumpers every summer! I got skipped in the talent gene pool!

  3. Robin said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 9:29 AM

    I can’t sow or hem, I took Hom Ec and I still can’t do it. Whenever I try to hem pants it ruin them, but I think I just always make them too short.

  4. bubblewench said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 9:45 AM

    Ok, that’s hystrical! I’m good with buttons, hems and quick fix, but don’t ask me to make anything or use a sewing machine! Total disaster!

  5. Finn said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 9:59 AM

    I dont’ sew either. I can put buttons on, but I can’t hem. I love my tailor. The way I see it, I’m helping the economy.

    Finns last blog post..Weekend Update

  6. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 10:28 AM

    Robin-I HATE when I do pants too short! That’s why I take them to the cleaners to have them altered. I screwed up too many of my clothes. :((

  7. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 10:29 AM

    bubblewench-I will be sending said sweater over ASAP! Thanks! :))

  8. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 10:30 AM

    Finn-I will have to remind my ‘seamstress’ of that fact the next time I take something in! :)

  9. Evil Genius said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 11:42 AM

    Hey, don’t feel bad. I DID take home ec, and I STILL can’t sew worth a shit. I can do a hem if I absolutely have to, but I’m more likely to pay to have it done at this stage in the game. I can replace a missing button, but not without copious swearing and usually a bloody finger or two.

    Sewing SUCKS!

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..I Never Made the Connection!

  10. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 12:40 PM

    Evil Genius-A hem in pants usually requires actual stitching, but a hem in anything else I can use that iron-on stitch witch stuff! :))

  11. Tug said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 3:14 PM

    I love my sewing machine! Hand stitching, I can do, but OMG I hate it. [-(

    Tugs last blog post..Sunrise…..

  12. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 4:22 PM

    Tug-We need to get together…I have a sewing machine…in my basement gathering dust! :(

  13. jGrrl said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 5:36 PM

    If I were there I would help you, my Daddy was a longshoreman, he taught me how to sew real young, his stitches never come loose :)

    Thank you for this AM ~o)

    jGrrls last blog post..Hiding…

  14. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 5:51 PM

    jGrrl-My Pop-Pop was a longshoreman too! Small world! Hubs can sew, just not for me. :( (This AM was no prob! :* )

  15. flip flop momma said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 7:04 PM

    hmm..i cant sew, and i dont play a sewer on tv.

    flip flop mommas last blog post..50 ways to leave your lover

  16. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 8:38 PM

    flipflopmomma-Really? I could have swore I saw you sewing in the background on CSI….sewing a body back together, but still….

  17. Coal Miner's Granddaughter said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 10:47 PM

    Oh, honey! I’m so sorry! It drives me nuts when my mom throws the “you need to learn to use a sewing machine” line into my face. ARGH!

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Costume Designer Extraordinaire

  18. Metalmom said:

    on November 3, 2008 at 11:43 PM

    CMG-Mom just says “After all those years of watching me sew, can’t you do a simple stitch?” No, Mom, I can’t! :(

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