And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

~~Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime”

I looked in the mirror. I mean really looked in the mirror.

After a day that wasn’t overly difficult, a day full of sunshine and love, a day with minimal bullshit to deal with, I looked into the mirror. On the surface, I saw my own face– not too young, not too old. Very few wrinkles and not as many ‘laugh lines” as I’d like. I backed up a step or two and I saw my middle-aged body. A few too many inches around the middle, inches that I can take care of….

Other than that, I am unremarkable. If you saw me on the street, I doubt that I have the type of face that you would notice right away.

All of those things I can and do deal with. I don’t think I’m too vain. On the contrary, I think some people would say that I’m not vain enough and that I should care just a tad more about outward appearances.

But looking into the mirror I saw past all of that. And I was a bit surprised at the thoughts that came into my mind.

What happened to the girl who got a scholarship to a business school?  She never went. Why? What happened to the woman who was determined to get her driver’s license before the start of the new year? It is almost another year gone and I still don’t drive. Why?  I wanted to go back to school but instead I put myself last….after car and house payments, after sports registrations and art supplies, after lawyers and fines. In the mirror I saw all of those things.

I tell myself, that I put myself last because it is my duty as a wife and mother. If I drive, the insurance is another bill to come into the house. Why should I consider going back to school? I should wait until my children are finished with their education before being selfish and taking college on myself.  We should be on our way to owning a house before I take that money to use on myself. I tell myself all of these things and more.

Who the hell am I kidding? I am afraid.  I am afraid of failure.

What if I take the driver’s test and fail? People younger than me drive every day. If I can use a computer somewhat functionally, I should be able to drive a car. What if I go back to school and fail? What an epic waste of money and time that would be!   What if?  What if?  What if?

And I looked further into the mirror and realized that this was an underlying current to my entire life.

I spelled “agenda” wrong in the 7th grade spelling bee. I was afraid that if I represented my school and failed, everyone would laugh at me. When I joined the track team, I was asked to do the high jump and the broad jump. What if I threw my body into the air and fell, hurting myself in front of people? In school, I knew many of the answers but I doubted myself and held back for fear of being wrong. Where did this fear come from? I only remember encouragement from my parents. I remember feeling safe and loved. I don’t remember being put down or laughed at because of my ignorance.

I looked into the mirror and saw a lot of things I’d like to change…..one thing at a time. I am on a treadmill…running and running and going nowhere. I need to go….some place… any place…..whether I fail or not…..

For me.

I tend to keep the “deeper details” of family off the radar here. I feel like it is a violation of privacy somehow to post certain events unless they directly involve me. But today, I am going to break that rule because it is a good broken rule.

My brother-in-law and his wife had decided to wait a few years after getting married to have children. My SIL was very much career oriented and was the financial decision maker in their home. Therefore, it  as up to her to decide “when” and “if”.  When she finally made the choice to start a family, she never seemed very happy. She had morning, afternoon and evening sickness. She gained a lot of weight (she was stick thin, so this was obviously a huge deal to her) And still she worked, sometimes overtime to compensate for the time lost after the baby was born.

Then, my niece Kelly was born. She was a perfect baby in all ways but one…..

She was born with a hole in her heart. Within days, surgeons opened her tiny chest to make repairs that would help her to survive. The scar against her perfect skin was simultaneously hideous and beautiful–hideous as a flaw, but beautiful because it was a sign that she had been saved. Doctors told her parents that she would need further surgery as she grew up. This did not go over well with my SIL. She was a worrier and she would never share information with the family and became quite upset if my BIL did.  She did not want constant questions of “How is she?” and “What will be done?” or even “What day?”  The fear of losing her child was too stressful for her.

Kelly had a corrective procedure done at the age of four. She would probably need it again around the age of twelve.

At the age of twelve, the doctors agreed that her heart had done a good job of growing with her. The family were all warned that she would have to be especially vigilant in avoiding tobacco and alcohol, being monitored before sports, and……pregnancy. The stress of carrying and pushing out a baby could prove fatal.

Kelly is now 21. She is a beautiful girl who has followed doctor’s rules for the most part. (She did smoke for a time) She made sure she was on birth control, but….it failed. And although Kelly was advised to terminate the baby for health reasons (which her mother begged her to do), she decided to keep the baby.

Our whole family has been watching her grow larger and more glowing. She has been so happy and healthy. Not only did she have regular Ob/Gyn appointments, but also cardiologists. She was due in late August but doctors were convinced that she would have her baby in July. And we were prepared. She had an apartment with a nursery and all it’s bells and whistles. In July she was put on bed rest, and as hard as it was, she stayed put for a month.

Last night we got the call that it was time. Kelly was in a local hospital with a trauma center and excellent neonatal facilities. More importantly, her cardiologists were at her side. We settled in to wait.

After a long night, the heart doctors decided that after all the labor, she might not be able to withstand pushing. They made the call for a Caesarian section.

My niece Kelly gave birth to her daughter Mackenzie this morning. The baby is normal in every way.

Kelly now has a new scar badge of honor.

Welcome to the world, Mackenzie. And welcome to motherhood, Kelly. I love ya like crazy.

Yesterday, I had my nephew, Noah, here.  He is not quite a year old and is finally walking and grabbing. Before he got here, I had to ‘re-baby proof’ my house. (That would mean moving videos, remote controls, dog food dishes and locking up my cereal)  I managed to get  it put away but of course, there were things that just demanded his attention…like the dog’s nostrils and the stairs. Add that little guy with Three year old and One, and you get one busy day.

I haven’t had Three or One for a few weeks because of our vacations and other things so Three had a lot of things to tell me about. She wanted my attention as often as possible to tell me about her games, her cousins and her trip to Sesame Place.  One looked older and there was something I couldn’t put my finger on…a difference in his personality. But since my nephew was a busy boy, I really didn’t have time to figure it out. I spent my day keeping Noah from killing Bandit, running after the three kids and making sure that Bandit didn’t pee in a corner out of his lack of attention. By the time they all went home, I was so very exhausted. I went to bed early and slept like the dead.

I awoke this morning, refreshed and energized. I was only expecting One because his sister was spending the day with her Granny.

At noon, he arrived, wearing a wet diaper and sloppy tee shirt. Apparently, he was put to bed in the shirt and no one had time to change him this morning. He was just waking up and was still groggy and whiney. His blonde hair was disheveled.

I immediately dressed him and gave him breakfast and was treated to a whole new child.

One actually ‘talked’ to me. He danced with the television. He spun in circles, built things with the blocks and listened to stories. He interacted with me, laughing and jabbering away non-stop. The difference was not “in” his personality. The difference was that he was “showing” his personality.

Normally, even though she has a hard time with her speech, Three does a lot of talking for him. She is the one who dictates what they will play or watch. She hands him his sippy cup without his asking. He has had her personality.

Today, he had no one here to interfere with his freedom of expression. I had a little boy who told “jokes”  and laughed out loud. I have never heard him sing until today. Even when he got sticky and needed to be bathed, he was so pleasant. We played with the bubbles and splashed in the bathtub.

Today was a reminder of why I do this job. I saw a kid come out of the shadow of his sisters and into his own….maybe not for very long, but for as long as he was here. I had the chance to see a child grow before my eyes. I saw him enjoy being the sole focus of an adult.

He’s getting to be pretty cool.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And just for today, just for Grant….

Lately I have been having computer issues. Sometimes I have a connection and others….well others just suck. That’s why I haven’t been around. Today I am using Hub’s business computer and I really hate it.

Nothing much is going on. I have been enjoying the end of the summer, catching up on reading, and doing some needlepoint. Tomorrow is what I consider to be my “back to school”

Yes, the kids will return from their vacation and I will have them for the two weeks before their school year begins. After that, it will just be the little ones again. On the one hand, I am looking forward to it because I really do like hanging out with them.  On the other hand, I will be returning to diapers, snot and whining. Anyway, the good outweighs the bad.

So that’s it. I just wanted to stop in and say “Hi” and let you all know that I haven’t abandoned the blog or you. I’ve just been in my “happy place’ . 

In a week or two, depending on where you live, school will be starting. The little ones will walk away or get on the bus looking so very small and vulnerable. Your heart will break as you watch your baby grow and begin it’s journey towards independence.

I, too, am dealing with the back-to-school syndrome. This will be Babygirl’s last year of high school before she goes out into the world of college and adulthood. This will be the last year I will be able to fool myself into thinking that she truly ‘needs’ me. She will be eighteen-legally an adult-and, at least in our house, she will be able to challenge our choices for her and she will be able to assert herself as more of an equal, rather than as a child.

There are other ways in which she is still my child.

This week, BF left for Shippensburg College. He will be home to visit in roughly two months, but the separation is an eternity to young love. For the past few weeks, Babygirl has spent every possible moment with him, hoarding memories and  emotions that will do very little to fill the void that will be in her life-at least until he visits home again. Together, they shopped for his dorm. They took pictures to share. They made sure that they each have webcams so that they can see each other while they chat late into the night. When he visited the campus for underclassmen orientations, she went along, spending time making herself familiar with the place that he would call ‘home’.

BF’s best friend will also be attending the same college. They will be roommates which will make the transition easier for the two guys, but twice as hard for Babygirl.  The three of them have been joined at the hip. They have gone on vacations together, attended football and softball games together, and played Monopoly for hours on end. BF left for the campus on Wednesday because marching band began practicing early. His friend will leave next week. Losing her BF was made only slightly easier because she still had his best friend here also missing BF.  When Best Friend leaves, what then?

I will be left to try to help her fill the hours of loneliness that are sure to follow. I will be the one who will hear her muffled sobs, who will see the slight redness of her eyes, and hear the ache in her sighs. I will have to fight every urge to ask “How are you?” every five minutes. I will have to wait until she is ready to share her feelings with me.

I will be here for my child. To comfort her, and encourage her towards her own school work. I will be here for hugs when words just won’t convey the feelings. She will soon be my baby while simultaneously becoming  a woman before my eyes.

Let me catch you up on what’s been happening here.

*** I returned from vacation relaxed and somewhat tan. I got a great visit from my “almost son” Clay who lives in Florida. It was super seeing him again and meeting his girlfriend and his nephew. He was here to help Son1 work on his house and to visit a few relatives who live up here.

***Speaking of Son1’s house, it is coming along fantastically. He has torn down all the wallpaper, a room of Popcorn ceiling, and has painted two bedrooms and almost a full living room and dining room. Apparently, he can really work his ass off…..but can’t be bothered to mow a lawn, clean his bedroom or take out the trash! Oh he’ll learn now!

It’s very hard to see, but that is really a jet fighter.

***My girl Jazzy and I spent a day with friends at the shore in Margate NJ. It was incredibly hot everywhere but on the beach. The water was warm, the company was a lot of fun, and I got tanned…..really tanned….like burnt…And it hurts, just a little. Anyhoo, while we were sitting on the beach, we heard a loud “boom” and suddenly there were jet planes flying all over above our heads. The local Air Force was practicing their maneuvers for the next day’s air show. I have never seen anything like it in my life. It was awesome! (I tried to take pictures, but guess what? They blew by so fast that they were out of frame by the time the camera clicked!)

Those are the trails left by a formation of five fighter jets…really….!

***Also while I was in Margate, I took Jazz through  “Lucy” the Elephant. She is a  local landmark and I have always been curious about it. We climbed to the top, looked out through her eyes and up into howdah. The view was spectacular.

Lucy the Elephant…she’s a big girl!

Unfortunately, throughout all of this, I had no camera, but these are the ones that both my friend and I took with her camera.

So, as you can see, I am having an ‘End-of-Summer’ Blowout of Fun. I wish you were here with me!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. At least that is what I’ve always heard.

When we go to the shore, it is a major event for my pets.

Once upon a time, I had a dachshund and a cat. Even though I had nieces and nephews galore living all around me, they went on vacation with us. I had no choice but to take my pets to a kennel. One time they came home depressed. Really. They took a long time to eat right or to act normal in their own home. So we found a new kennel. Only this time, they came home covered in fleas. The kennel said that they must have been infested before going there and refused to do anything about it. At that point I was finished with boarding animals.We settled for having a friend come into our house to feed them.

When I still had my Ozzie, no one would want to watch him. Luckily for me, my brother-in-law found an iguana fascinating and he would come into my home, make sure that the cage was clean, let the lizard out for exercise and would even let him swim around the bathtub. He took excellent care of my buddy.

Now I have Bandit. Son1 has his own dog and they don’t get along well. Plus, now he has moved into his own house. Son2 works all day and for three of the days, he also works at night. No one is home to take care of my buddy. My friend Lostmahead welcomed him into her home last year, where he was showered with love, always had a child to play with, and was walked more than once a day. He loves it there and I always have peace of mind. But this year, she was on vacation for the same week that I was, and I needed a new solution.

In came Babygirl’s boyfriend. He came into the house a few times, but he ended up taking Bandit to his house. Bandit now had a cat to be curious about and an overweight Pug to torment. BF allowed Bandit to sit with him and even snuggled with him at night while Bandit whimpered and wanted his Mommy. When Bandit wouldn’t eat, BF added broth to his food to tempt him. Even BF’s dad enjoyed having Bandit sit with him and having him following him around the house. I will admit that I was worried that the parents wouldn’t be happy having my dog around, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. They treated him as they treated their own pets.

Now that he is home, I am being punished for leaving him. Initially, he jumped all over me in his happiness, licking my face all over. Once he was convinced  that I was staying, he proceeded to ignore me. He didn’t want to sit with me. When I took a nap, he wouldn’t lay with me. He sat in a chair across the room, looking at me with his sad eyes and sighing deeply.

I was prepared to have him glued to my side, or tripping me by being underfoot. I was not prepared for this…..’shunning’.

****Two hours after storing this post to be finished later, I sit here with Bandit……glued to my side. 

Many people like to celebrate things in fives and tens. You know, Five Year Reunion, ten year anniversary of a tragedy or Fiftieth Birthday. Hubs just likes to buck the trends. For him, it is the ‘nines’ – Ninth, Nineteenth, and Twenty-nine.

On our ninth anniversary, he gave me diamond stud earrings. He saved and saved and when our anniversary rolled around, he presented them to me and said “Aren’t you surprised?”  Well, of course I was!  I asked him why he didn’t wait until the next year to celebrate our Tenth Anniversary. (<– See? Even in typing, I tend to capitalize it!)  He said that if he had waited, I would expect something exceptional and he would be pressured into finding the ‘right’ gift.

On our nineteenth anniversary, he gave me diamond and amethyst earrings that were in the shape of an orchid. Again, I was surprised because with three kids, money was tight. Not only that, but our anniversary falls in the summer….just in time for the expense of a vacation. But you see, he loves me. 

This year was our twenty-ninth anniversary. I had forgotten all about the ‘nine’ thing. Here I thought we were squeaking in a vacation money-wise. Not the case. This year, he gifted me a golden bracelet. A golden bracelet with diamonds. Not one or two or five……but NINE.

He still loves me. And I am still grinning like a dork.

Today was extraordinarily hot. I mean steamy, sweaty, hard to breathe HOT! We went out for breakfast and walked along the Boardwalk for a bit but we started to get too hot. What to do? What to do?…

Go to the beach!

We laid out our towels, slathered on the sun screen and got comfy. My summer reading this year is “The Chronicles of Narnia”. Of all the  millions of books I have read, I was kind of surprised to realize that this was something I had missed. It took me three weeks to read the first installment. Anyone that knows me would be amazed because I used to read a book a day when I was younger. Anyhoo, I started the second today on the beach.

Just as Lucy took her brothers and sister into Narnia, I heard a chorus of gasps. Then I heard “Oh my God!”  I looked up to see dolphins….several dolphins actually… playing in the ocean. At this area of the coast, dolphin sightings are not unusual. We tend to see them early in the morning or at dusk, their dorsal fins just breaking the water. But today they were playful. They were following a sightseer boat, jumping clear out of the water to play in the boat’s wake. It happened so fast that I couldn’t get to my camera quick enough to get a picture. It was a glorious sight.

Then the ocean breeze began to pick up. Fine sand was blown all over, coating my sunglasses. It clung to my sunscreen and even worse, to my chapstick. After only three hours, we went back to our hotel to sit by the pool sipping vodka and orange juice. (I don’t want to get scurvy from the lack of Vitamin C!!) Oh, the horrors we endure for our children to have a good vacation!

Soon I will be going out with the Hubs to walk along the Boardwalk, have some ice cream, and watch the people who walk by.  As I am typing this, there is a man who is very intoxicated, screaming beside the pool. “I’M  ON VACATION! WOULD YOU LIGHTEN UP!”  he is yelling to his wife. Someone  just yelled at him that “there are kids around here” and he is being led to his room. Somehow, I don’t think that he will be staying here long!

For now, I will go to the corner and watch the young, muscular, deeply tanned, and did I say young? men that are leaving the beach….

Ah, youth…..

I feel so dirty. They are as old as my sons!

Whatever! I’m on my fucking vacation!!!! I can look!!

Guess where I went.

Don’t worry, I have my laptop and maybe, if  I’m lucky, I’ll have something to

post for you.

Behave yourselves! (Or at least don’t get caught!)