The Name of it is Autumn  –  Emily Dickinson

The name of it is “Autumn”

The hue of it is Blood

An artery upon the Hill

A vein along the road.

Great globules in the Alleys

And oh, the Shower of Stain

When winds upset the Basin

And spill the Scarlet Rain.

It sprinkles Bonnets far below

It gathers ruddy Pools

Then eddied like a Rose away

Upon Vermillion Wheels

I could tell you what I think about the fucked up family that would stage a “kid lost flying in a balloon” , but then it would turn into a rant about fucking asshole parents who use their kids for fame and fortune (Hello…Jon and Kate…..Octomom!!) And it would annoy me to even think about everyone that tweeted, posted and facebooked every single news update. It would raise my blood pressure and give me a headache so I’ll pass on that for now.

I could tell you that Hubs has surprised me with new carpeting...before Thanksgiving!! But then I’d have to talk about the pain in the ass it will be to unload the china cabinet so that it can be moved or what a hassle it will be to move all the furniture out of the room and the mess that will occur when my guys tear out “Old Stinky” carpet. I could tell you that the one we chose is pretty, with vines and swirls patterned in the pile, or that I’m torn between three different colors. But you can’t actually see it, so it is too hard to explain, so I won’t bother with that either.

I could tell you that the weather lately has sucked, what with all the rain and cold and shit like that, but it’s been like that just about everywhere so we all have been treated to that climate. So I guess y’all don’t wanna hear that.

I could bitch that not enough Japanese women are featured on television. I think they are nice to look at and fantasize about. But unless your name is Grant, I don’t think that would interest you much.

OR….I could just tell you one thing that I think is cool. This is my photo:

and now if you have an iphone, you can find it here.

How cool is that?!

My ideal day would start with my being awakened by the sunshine on my face. I’d wake up on my own and not because men are stomping around in their work boots, or because the alarm went off two hours too early. The smell of coffee would beckon to me, and I would actually find enough for a cup or two, instead of just finding warm grounds and the lingering, tantalizing scent of caffeine. Breakfast would be hot waffles and cool fresh berries, instead of thick lumpy cream of wheat.

My ideal day would hold a hot, uninterrupted shower. I’d dress in jeans that actually fit…not the ones that are too big and baggy, or the ones that barely come up over my thighs. The phone wouldn’t ring unless the call was for me. No kids would be here to whine, cry, or make a mess all over my house. I’d sing a song to bring the animals to  clean dishes, wipe windows without streaks, dust all the tables and shelves in the house like Snow White did.

My ideal day would find my husband coming home early, to while away hours snuggling in bed, whispering the words of love instead of telling me about how he has to run out to work on Sunday. He’d tell me how much he appreciates me instead of giving me a pile of paperwork. He’d tell me to forget about cooking and he’d take me out, for once going to eat Japanese food instead of steak and potatoes.

My ideal day would continue with my kids doing their own laundry, and cleaning their rooms, instead of telling me that they need a clean shirt tonight or my dog would play nicely alone instead of putting his face up to mine to demand playtime now!! I’d be able to watch a movie or two all the way through without the phone ringing or without someone walking in during the last twenty minutes. I’d go to sleep at the end of the day and go right to sleep, instead of tossing and turning, listening to the deafening snores of my wonderful husband. I’d sleep and stay asleep….all night….

In my real life, I tend to get more of  “I Deal” instead of  “Ideal” .

So NASA is going to blow up a crater on the moon.  Now I have another great, big phobia to deal with. What if……just suppose….this explosion causes the moon to split in two?  What happens then?  What if the split weakens the effects of the moon on the earth?  Will the oceans go willy-nilly because the tides have been disrupted?  OR…..What if they make this deep hole in the moon and they find water?  But the water begins to leak out of the moon, causing a new ice galaxy?  What then?  Holy shit!  The possibilities are staggering!!  Why didn’t they ask all the people on earth how they felt about NASA fucking up the world as we know it??

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Venezuelans have been crowned queen in close to 60 international beauty pageants, winning Miss World five times, Miss International five times and Miss Universe — the biggest of all — a staggering six times, including the last two years*. For some reason, these women (and I’m sure this goes for women of other countries, including the United States) are permitted to have liposuction, nose jobs, and ‘enhancements’ among other things. Don’t you think that this defeats the purpose of naming a woman as beautiful?  She has been altered!  What if she is truly a hook-nosed flatsy with cottage cheese ass? I always hated beauty pageants, but now I have yet another reason to hate them.

*This was reported on ABC News tonight.

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One thing I definitely DO NOT hate is my Babygirl. Some of you who are on Facebook already know that last week, my girl was accepted into her number one college of choice….Shippensburg University. (YAY!) Well, today she received word that number two has also accepted her….Kutztown University.(YAY, YAY!!)  In her own words …”Cool, now all I have to do is pass high school!”

I almost slapped her for that!   I’m so very proud!

I opened my eyes this morning to see brilliant sunshine outside my window. I slept the whole night through, didn’t have kids until 11 and was actually in the mood to walk today. All in all, I was ready to seize the day by the balls.

But first….

I had to say hello to Bandit. He charged the bed in his excitement for a hug. He licked my face and I managed to scramble out of bed before he could slobber all over me.

I managed to dress for a walk quickly. I grabbed my shoes and began to walk out of the bedroom and as I did, I turned around and made eye contact with my widdle snookie-poo.

He stood on the bed, his tiny nub of a tail twitching wildly with joy. My heart melted at the sight. Only my dog can love me so much that his entire body vibrates with anticipation of time shared with me. I went to the bed again for one more hug. He was just too cute for words, and I scooped him into my arms to carry him into the living room.

POP! DROP! and ROLL!

With a quick pop, I felt a muscle pull. I dropped the dog and watched him roll with surprise.

I managed to pull a muscle. I don’t know what it is called but it is the one that runs just under my boob and runs around to the center of my back…it follows the line of my bra. It hurts to inhale. It hurts to move. I can’t take off the bra or the weight of my droopy boob kills me. The bra itself kills me. Even sitting her barely moving hurts me.

Kids will be here soon.

On such a beautiful, sunshiney day, I will pray for the kids to be happy watching videos, or building stuff with legos….when they should be outside playing! 

I wish I was a tough cat.

It is that time of the year again……..Fucking flying ants.

I hate these fucking little bastards!!

****You can read more about it here.

Things have a way of getting away from me. Like when I try to clean my closet, or a particular area in my basement. I spend hours when I find a box of pictures, or knick-knacks that my kids made, remembering that Mother’s Day or Birthday when they gave it to me. I might get a cramp in my leg or suddenly I have to pee or something. It is just enough to break the spell I am under. I look at the clock and I realize that it is four hours later and all I’ve done is make a huge mess.

My life gets like that sometimes. I get so wrapped up in my day-to-day, trying to get my chores done, playing with the kids, making dinner for the family and suddenly it’s time for bed. I am surprised when Babygirl walks into a room and I look at her-almost like it’s the first time- and I see how long and shiny her hair is, or I see what a beautiful girl she has grown into and I think “God, she was just playing with her cousin Geo in the dirt! Where did all the time go?” I see my sons come in the door at the end of the day and I see these tall men who block the doorways or the guys who have to lean down to hug me.  I think to myself , “What happened to the boys who stood beside me trying to see if they reached my shoulders? When did they grow so tall?”

I attended the viewing and funeral of my godmother this week. It was very sudden, at least for me. I heard that she was sick on Monday and before I could  call her family to ask how she was doing, she had passed on Tuesday morning. I couldn’t believe it. Aunt Anna was gone. She was the one who understood that “no news is good news”. She and I would call each other on our birthdays, exchange  cards on the holidays and on a few rare occasions, we would call for “no reason”. And yet, we were pretty  close.  Not many people knew that. Dad would pass on a tidbit of news to her and he would be shocked to find out that she already knew. That’s just how we were. Nothing more, nothing less.

Today, I was with all of her kids, my cousins. We caught up with each other, asking about work, families, and in undertones, we asked “How are your parents….really?”  That was the loaded question. It meant “How are they dealing with the loss of their sister?”  It meant “How well are they aging? Do they remember things the way they used to? Are they still getting around okay?”  It was scary to know that my cousins, who are only within ten years of my own age, have just lost their one remaining parent. Now they only have each other.

And they have us….their cousins….their aunts and uncles. And their own children.

We circled the tables saying hello and introduced our children to each other. We haven’t seen some since they were babies, preteens, gangly teenagers. All have changed, just as my own kids have aged. They now have families of their own in many cases.

I looked around the room with sadness, knowing that we had grown apart. We assured each other that things would change. We need to keep in touch, keep the lines of communication open. We need to gather to celebrate the joys of our families and not just the griefs.

But how long will it be before we actually do it? We still have jobs, school, soccer games, doctor appointments, grocery shopping. What will be put aside in favor of family? We will tell ourselves that school and soccer still involve family. We are there for our kids, we think. That is family. But cousins…….we let them drift.

I am still filled with the ‘family love’. I am feeling strongly that I will surely call more often. I will surely make time to invite them for dinner. I will surely make the time to visit them. Surely…….

But first there will be a yard to rake…..laundry to do…..a college to visit….projects to finish……

Where does the time go?