Today is Black Friday, the day when many, many people jump out of bed before the sun rises, race to the store and shop for things that will also be on sale in two weeks. (Yes, they will too. I watched the ads!!)

For me Black Friday is the day that I keep the drapes drawn, thus keeping my room ‘Black’.  I woke up, only because the dog was up and that sucker only slept until nine am!!! Yes, you read that right–NINE AM!!!  I guess he had a day full of doggy activities scheduled…..

I threw on my sweats, dragged a brush halfway through my hair, and decided that it was time for breakfast. Mmm…leftover devilled eggs!! What? It’s eggs!!  Then I poured a cup of coffee. Well, coffee said it was lonely, so I added a dark chocolate brownie. I fired up the laptop, put a blanket over my legs and curled up with “Reba” playing on Lifetime in the background. As soon as I checked emails and and skimmed some online ads, I closed it up and settled in to watch some television.

There was oh so very much to choose from…Christmas show, college football, Christmas show, college football, soaps and did I say college football? I watched a movie, opened the fridge to look at the food that didn’t interest me, and went back to my ‘butt dip’ on my couch. I watched “Wife Swap” and then moved to the other end of the couch.

I don’t think any of you can appreciate the amount of energy expended in doing that! I began to sweat profusely so I needed a soda to cool off. But I realized that the soda needed a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to jazz it up. So I called my friend, John Jameson and he suggested a fine single-malt whiskey. This made my already pleasant day, just a wee nip nicer….

I invited Bandit to sit with me, which he finally agreed to do. He sighed deeply and slowly rolled his head to look at me. As if his body weighed a million pounds, he dragged himself over to grace me with his presence.

Hubby asked me what was for dinner. I said “Do I look like I’m cooking?”  So he said “Great! Turkey sammiches!!

So yeah, that’s it. Later, after dinner, I guess I’ll sit next to Hubs and we can watch a movie together… Ah….Alone time…

Hmm…..What’s that smell? Is he making turkey soup?

Never mind. That’s me. I guess I should add “take a shower” to my exhausting day….

I have many, many things to be thankful for this year.

My husband is working. Business has slowed down alot, but we are staying afloat. He loves me and never fails to show it, even on days when my attitude is less than stellar. (Um…yeah, there have been alot of those!)

My eldest son has bought a house and moved out on his own. Now he will have his own family and start his own celebrations. I miss him being with us but I’m happy that he is spreading his adult wings.

My younger son is also employed. Many of his friends cannot say the same and have lost their vehicles or apartments and moved back in with their parents. My son still lives with us, but he is able to pay his own bills. I am proud of all the obstacles he has had to overcome, but he managed to do it on his own.

My Babygirl just received her report card and has made the Honor Roll. I don’t know how she manages to maintain friendships, a boyfriend, a job and studying.She is a breath of fresh air and her smile is our sunshine. We couldn’t be more proud of her.

I have both of my parents and while they make me crazy, they also fill my life with love. I miss my in-laws but it makes me appreciate having my own mom and dad even more.

I have siblings of my own and in-laws, all of whom are in good health and have happy families. Their children are still in school, none are criminals or drug addicts and in some of those cases, it is a huge deal indeed.

I have friends scattered hither and yon. I was blessed with the opportunity to spend time with several of them, deepen relationships with others and discover new friends along the way.

I have friends who are closer. Years had separated us, but reuniting with them has been the biggest blessing of my entire year. I have laughed harder than ever. I smile when I think of them. And when I see their faces among my photos, I thank God for every one of them.

I hope you have been similarly blessed. And even if it has been a tough time for you, be happy that you woke up this morning. Be happy for your pets, your children, the mac and cheese in your cupboards. We can all find something.

I love you all.

Even though I managed to start some Christmas shopping (a few weeks ago!), I am not ready for the holidays. I have gone to the basement to pull out boxes of decorations–just to get them ready–and just gone back upstairs saying “Fuck it”. The same thing happened with Halloween. I had spiderwebs galore to be hung up and those self adhesive decals to stick around but I was just overwhelmed by a feeling of “Who will care?” It just so happens that I was right about Halloween. Even though we had three new families (with kids) move onto the block, we still barely had any visitors. As I turned out the light that night I was glad I hadn’t put out the extra effort.

I love Christmas. I love the way my house smells with all the baked goods. I love the smell of the spice candles I light and the smell of the tree and wreath. My plain windows have lights and my tables and walls are decorated with my treasures, the ones that only come out this time of year. I am impatient to get them up and reluctant to take them down. But this year? The thought just tires me.

All of the unpacking, the glitter everywhere, going up and down the stairs…all followed by dusting and vacuuming. Busyness and energy all day while still needing to make dinner and do laundry. Ugh…..

And then there is Thanksgiving. The NOW holiday. I have my sister-in-law and her family joining us. So I am doing the ‘extra cleaning’ that one does for company. I am making applesauce and devilled eggs. I am cutting vegetables, cheeses and pepperoni. Anything I can get done early, I am doing.

I forgot the TURKEY!

The center piece of the entire day!!! Normally, my family alone can demolish a 15 pound turkey but since there will be double the people, I wanted a 25 pounder. There were none to be found last night. I learned that they should be ordered “special”. Every turkey in the case was frozen rock solid. They will never thaw!!! Luckily for me, Hubs went to the butcher’s counter and asked the guy there if they had anything “in the back”. He came back to the shopping cart with an unfrozen turkey!! He is da man!!! (It was only 15 pounds but I will work it.) I also ended up with a breast just in case.

NOW I will get ready for Thanksgiving. I’ll stick to the food. I’ll worry about the decorations later.

When I look at all the shit going on in the world–the killings, the injustices, the sickness and death–I get overwhelmed. I don’t get depressed about it, because for health reasons, I had to learn to distance myself from it. I can be concerned. I can be sad that it happens, but if it doesn’t touch me directly, I have to put it in a box, where it won’t take up my every waking thought.  Otherwise I will become the woman who is afraid to leave the house, or the anti-war fanatic that travels from protest to protest leaving my family behind in the dust.

When I look at the lives of my friends and family, it is harder to put things into the boxes. Death, cancer, unemployment, relationships. This is the shit  that some of them deal with and I thank God every day that my own family is blessed with health, jobs and strong marriages. I pray for those who struggle. I pray for those that suffer. But again, I have to keep it from the forefront of my mind. I cannot give them jobs, or hand them money to make their lives easier. I cannot worry about which of the bills are getting paid, or fix their relationships. It is all too possible that I will neglect my own. I can offer prayers, a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear, but little beyond that.

When I look at these things, I also feel very guilty. Today I went out into the yard–as I do every day–to clean up the poop that my dog considers to be a gift of love. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it) he likes to hit the walkway between the house and the driveway. This makes things easier to find, especially when the yard is covered with leaves. I pick it all up and hose down the sidewalk and it’s done. So that’s what I did. Bandit finished his business and sat beside the back door to watch me clean. I bagged everything up and tossed it into the trash can and walked into the house.

Bandit quickly slipped through my legs and ran to his room. That is unusual, because this is when he gets a little treat with a dab of peanut butter. I washed my hands and started to see what was up with him and that’s when it happened….

I slipped on the way out of the kitchen. I caught myself before I could fall, and looked down to see why I had slipped. There it was…

A BROWN SMEAR.

Luckily for me, I kept a remnant near that door so that mud wouldn’t get tracked in. Little did it occur to me that something other than mud would be the culprit! It was almost on my NEW CARPET! I took my shoes off, cleaned up the spot and looked out the door. There on the top step, right in front of the door, he had pooped and I hadn’t seen it. He had known what he did and he ‘grounded’  himself.

I wrinkled my nose at the smell that still slightly lingered and a thought came to my mind.

“Thank God that this is the only shit I have to deal with today.”

My gun is loaded, just dodge the bullets…

*This weekend my carpets were installed. In preparation, I spent Thursday night and Friday removing old carpet, old padding and of course the evil, evil staples!! Using pliers and a screwdriver, I dug them out of the wooden floor and the steps.  And in doing so, I blew out the back….big time!! There was no sitting up late watching television for me. No, no! I ended up in a steamy, hot shower, loaded up on Oxy’s, vodka and Gatorade.  Sweet Jeebus, I hurt everywhere. I had blisters on my fingers, bruises on my palms and staples stuck to my knee caps. Which leads me to..

** I needed to get away, and so my very best partners in crime came to spirit me away for an overnight of games, alcohol and laughter. Have I ever told you how much I love Skittles and Dawn? Well, lemme tell ya. I love them thiiiiiiiiiiiis much. I would have gone mad from the noise, the mess and the pain. Instead, I was taken care of, put to sleep in a comfy bed, and had breakfast made for me. The only things left hurting me on Sunday was my cheeks and sides, both from laughing.

*** My brother was the one who installed the carpeting. The one thing I really enjoyed about that was watching him. Normally, when we get together, it is a holiday or a barbecue. We laugh. We drink. We tease. But having him in my house to work was a revelation. He swooped in, opened every curtain, (“I hate feeling closed in!”) and then he asked for music. I gave him my radio,which he immediately turned on and began singing. At the top of his lungs, he sang as he kicked, crawled and pounded my carpet into place. My brother is a hard worker and he truly knows his shit. It was worth every penny we paid him.

****I came home on Sunday to see my carpet in place, but everything else hither and yon. I began putting things back and then Hubs began helping me. I love my house now and it’s hard to remember how craptacular it had been!!

*****Just as I began to ache again, there was a knock on my back door. My neighbor in the back, Sara, had seen all the work going on and she knew that I had been sick. She is a wonderfully thoughtful person who showed up with a container of beef-laden sauce, a container of meatballs and sausage, a bag of kaiser rolls and a box of penne. “I saw that you just came home and I knew you didn’t have time to cook or take care of company. I made a huge potload of food and thought you might be able to use this.”  She is full of awesomeness!!

******So, out of this entire weekend I learned: (A) My brother is a hard working man who enjoys his job.  (B) I am grateful for my Hubs, who knows how much I was bothered by the hideousness of my old carpets. It was depressing me and I didn’t even know it. (C) I am very thankful for my friends  and neighbors who seem to know what I need– even when I am oblivious myself.

You wanna know what’s on my nerves? My parents. More precisely, their lack of logic where cell phones are concerned. Lemme splain….(Go get a  cup of coffee, change the baby, grab a pillow, whatever. This might be long….I’ll wait….)

My parents went on vacation for two weeks. They do this every fall. During those two weeks, I leave them alone. My brothers sometimes take their kids and join them for one weekend of fishing. This has been going on for years. A couple of years ago, we got them a cell phone. Just a basic, no bells-and-whistles phone. It gives us peace of mind to know that if they had an emergency, they wouldn’t be stranded.

Flash forward…..

I am in the hospital a few days into their vacation. I don’t know how, but they heard and I got a call from mom.

“Hello? It’s me Mommy. What’s wrong with you?” Just like that. Not an inflection of concern. It was more like I was annoying her or interrupting her vacation. The signal to the hospital was horrible and I blurted out, “I’m going to lose my connection. Hubs will call your cell” . No sooner had I said that, the signal was indeed lost.

We rushed to call her back because if we didn’t….well, you know parents…..! No answer. No voice mail. This number is temporarily unavailable.

Their phone was not on.

Oh well, if I was dying, I’d leave it to my brothers to give them hell for not being at the funeral, you know?

So I got out of the hospital and within a day or two it was like nothing had ever happened. On day three, my youngest brother called.

Our grandmother, Dad’s mom, was in the hospital. She is 93 and, while not sickly, she is frail. Plus, my Aunt Anna who just passed was her eldest daughter. It has taken a toll on her. Anyway, she has a blood clot. It may cause trouble this minute, this week or never. (This is the same thing that killed my aunt very suddenly) But regardless, Dad needs to know. NOW. Because what if…..? My brother is panicked. What if she is dying right now? What do we do??

He came to my house. We called my sister and other brother. They are both at work so we get no response right away. While we wait for them to contact us, my cousin calls to say that Mom-Mom is resting, and stable, but to still come and see her “in case”. My brother said, “That’s it. I know where they are. Let’s drive to the shore and get them” I know this is the only thing that will calm him down so I agree to go. My sis showed up and the three of us hit the road.

We stopped at the hospital, which was midway between home and the shore. Mom-Mom is tired. But she is stable and they will let her go home in a day or two. This calms us down a great deal and since we have seen her and told her how much she is loved, if something-God forbid- should happen, we have seen her. Now Dan is angry. Dad should be there. Why aren’t they answering? We are GOING TO GET HIM. There will be NO DISCUSSION. And so we hit the road yet again.

When we got to the shore, Mom and Dad were surprised to see us. After we tag-team yelled at them, we found out why the phone was off.

When they go out to surf fish, they don’t want it to get wet. So they leave it in the house. They turn off the ringer when they go to bed. They sometimes forget to turn it back on.

I understand that parents get older and they forget things. But if they forgot to pack a sweater, they would turn around and drive back for it. If they were afraid that they left the iron plugged in, they would call one of us or a neighbor to check. But they don’t see the urgency involved in having the cell phone.

While we stayed and had dinner with them, Mom begins telling us ‘a funny story’. While surf fishing, the tide started to come in. So mom moved their bait and cooler back further in the sand. Dad was going to walk back for the rods, but waited for the waves to go out a little more before he got his shoes wet. After a second, they realize that the tide is coming in too fast and the waves won’t be heading out again. Dad wades in to get their rods. And then…..his feet get sucked into the mud. My mom-all five feet of her- wades out to help dad (who is 6′3″) Like she can do anything!! Eventually they get unstuck and look back at their cooler and notice that they are on a tiny mound of sand surrounded by ocean!

They manage to wade in waist-deep water back to the shore but they are soaked in frigid ocean water in the cold October wind.

“Well, we came right home and had coffee and started a fire. I was so happy that we didn’t lose those rods because together, they cost us $125.00! Isn’t that so funny? We had to buy new shoes!! HAHAHA!”

We were dumbfounded. We weren’t laughing.

If they had HAD THEIR FUCKING PHONE, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CALL FOR HELP IF THEY HAD BEEN REALLY STUCK!!!

Ugh! Well, we were ‘over-reacting’ and our nerves were just frazzled because Mom-Mom was in the hospital.

I don’t think so. When people tell me that as our parents age, they become the children and we become the parents. I always took this to mean that we would take care of their day-to-day needs, clean them when they become incontinent, make sure that they don’t hurt themselves or start a fire. I didn’t  know it would include yelling at them for being so thoughtless, so irrresponsible, more interested in getting their fucking fishing rods than getting out of the ocean!

That day was a cruel slap in the face. It was coming down to us to notify my dad that his mother was ill. It meant worrying enough to drive two hours to find them. And it now means that we have to double check on them more. They are not incapacitated in any outward way, but I am afraid that we will have to be on the lookout for the signs. The slip of memory. The lapse of judgement.

*SIGH*

It’s scary when the future is the huge wall that I slam into face first.

He is too trusting, sheltered, far too young to be away from his mother for so long….

Sometimes I find a stray sentence floating through my mind. It has nothing to do with the task I am attending to. It has nothing to do with the book I am reading or the show on television.

The cries of the geese on their trek through the deep blue skies sounded lonesome in the winter air….

Every so often, as I lie in bed at night, I have a thought that comes to me.  Just as I am on the verge of  sleep, it comes. I may or may not remember what it is when I awaken, but it is there, nagging in the back of my head, like a dream you want to remember but it remains just outside your reach.

Bandit ran through the waist-high field, his energy boundless. How could a beautiful creature have such an evil streak?

What should I do with such randomness? Do I let it dissipate like a cigarette’s smoke?  Do I write it down only to lose it among the grocery lists, the phone numbers, the bills?

The geisha lowered her eyes, ever mindful of her place. With tiny, delicate feet, she moved gracefully to the mournful tones of the shamisen. Through her lashes, she could barely see him- the tall, dashing American…..

Over the roar of my vacuum, my mind wanders. I plan what to make for dinner, or try to remember that I need to call my mother. I can almost hear the phone call  in my head and then it comes–

His hands run over the virgin wood like a lover. What shape will call to him this time? He slowly picks up his chisel and mallet and begins, his first strikes tentative and slowly gain momentum….

They are in me, taking up room in my brain . Is there a use for them? Are they part of a bigger ’something’ that is trying to break out of me? Do I have the incentive, the drive, to take it further?  I don’t know. But for now, I’ll just share them with you.

November 5, 2009
Bloggers from all across the globe
will blog for peace.
We will speak with one voice.
One subject.
One day.

~I couldn’t say it any better. M.

When I sat down to write the last post, it surprised me to find that I had been away from the blog for so long. Oh I had stuff….tons of stuff. Just not the time. And even then, when I did have the time, all I wanted to do was put my feet up, or walk the dog, or open a book.

During my absence, I was sick. I had managed to get the flu in all of its feverish, mucus-filled glory. This  was the visitor that wouldn’t leave. For two weeks it held me in its grip. I hated to even move my eyeballs, but I did. And I survived.

Towards the end of the flu, I suffered the sudden loss of my Aunt Anna, who was also my Godmother. I got a call on Monday that she was in the hospital and that after the testing, I could call to ask how she was doing. On Tuesday, before I could make that call, my mom called to tell me that she had died of a blood clot in her lung. It was enough to steal my breath with its suddenness. The rest of week entailed the business of death. The viewing, the funeral, the burial and then the business of reconnecting with family. I saw cousins that I hadn’t seen in years, the same cousins that were in my back pocket for the majority of our childhood!  They (and I) have gotten ‘thicker’  and grayer, but the smiles are the same, as is the laughter. We are all hoping to start having a “Pot Luck Cousin’s Dinner” every other month. I hope that we do. Those links are far too important to lose.

Then last Saturday, on Babygirl’s 18th birthday, I was felled by a sudden pain in my stomach. It was so bad, that a trip to the ER was required. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and promptly put into a room that would be my home for the next few days. I took tons of antibiotics, ate lots of jello and had more than my fair share of broth. I was a good girl and they let me come home on Wednesday, armed with more antibiotics and a list of  “dos and don’ts”. Now I feel normal and I have been doing my usual routine of yardwork, laundry and dinner.

It feels like a never-ending list of things. I hate getting sick. I try to eat well and take my vitamins. I stopped smoking, and although I enjoy a drink or two now and then, I am far from being a raging alcoholic. At what point do I become a healthy adult?  *Sigh* At least I have it better than many others….

Skies slate grey, the breeze not quite crisp

A yard covered with leaves .

I have an itch to be outside.

I grab a rake and find my zone-

the one in which I focus totally

on moving piles.

Beads  trickle down my back

my hair plastered to my face and neck

I smell of dirt, fresh air and honest sweat

By the time I finish, the sun has broken through

I can finally see the grass and the soil

I will sleep well tonight, satisfied with my efforts.