This year, I learned alot of things while gathered with family for Christmas.

A. Hub’s cousin almost died two weeks ago. While in the hospital for a hip replacement, he got pneumonia and nearly died. We never heard a word about it until Christmas Eve.

B. My own cousin almost died. Last week, she wasn’t feeling well. While in the hospital, it was discovered that she has a hole in her heart. She is still currently in the hospital. I learned that on Christmas night. Mom swears that she told me. Funny, my brothers and sister never heard about it either and for some reason, Mom’s pants burst into flames.

C. I learned that my Great-nephew, the one everyone thought was a demon spawn, is in actuality a super smart, kind-hearted child who-like his Aunt Chris – has a low tolerance for stupidity. I’m starting to like this kid.

D. I learned that my parent’s living room can fit into my brother’s office. My brother can sucessfully run an air freight company with many employees, yet cannot keep his pants on and now has six kids that I have yet to see in the same room at the same time….even on Christmas.

E.I learned that I should not mix beer, wine, tequila, and raspberry rum on the same night. The reason would be…

F. Mixing alcohol on Christmas Eve leads to a painful Christmas Day and makes my sister’s voice grate on my nerves just ‘that much’ more.

G. I learned that my kids know me and Hubs much better than we have ever given them credit for. They gave us and each other the presents that we wanted and asked for…..long before it was time to shop for the holidays!!

H. And I learned that greetings from my friends, old ones and new ones, on this side of the monitor and the other, meant more to me this year than ever before.

So….whether you celebrated Hannukah, Christmas, Boxing Day or Kwanzaa, (Or even Satanicafest) I hope you are happy and healthy and surrounded by love ( or hate).

Love you all!!

Metalmom

Now that I don’t watch kids anymore (lack of payment got them kicked to the curb), I find myself short of my own “personal money”.  This made Christmas shopping a little more difficult for me. This year there will be no ’secret gifts’ for Hubs. Every one will show up on my credit card bill.  On the other hand, I found myself thinking twice about every purchase. “Should I put a box of candy canes or a pair of socks on the card?” In many cases, the answer was “no”. Oh well, it’s not a huge deal in the big scheme of things.

Two weeks ago, Babygirl texted me from work “Do you want a job?”  Well, hellz yeah! I have applied to that co-op several times and have been passed over. (The reason is that my requests on the job may cause Babygirl to listen to me instead of her supervisor. That is horseshit because she never listens to me!) Anyhoodles, I got excited thinking that finally they had come to their senses. When she came home Babygirl explained the ‘job’.

One of the girls that she works with needed someone to take her daughter to and from kindergarten on Tuesday and Thursday. Since I need to move my fat ass a bit more, I agreed. We haven’t had ‘full-on’ winter yet. No horrible freezing days with hideous winds. No snow. No overabundance of rain. This was do-able.

Until….

Sunday night, they began talk of wintery temperatures. I began to get nervous. Monday, they began to talk of ‘possibility of snow’. Now I have the flop sweat. I hate the cold and now I would have to go out in it!! 

I was very lucky on Tuesday. Hubs got a late start at work and so he offered to drive us to the school. This was cool. I thought I’d just pop open the car door and watch M walk to her line. No siree. I have to walk her inside to find her line. Only, because it was so cold, the kids were all taken straight to the classrooms. M’s class was all the way through – from the front to the back of the building. And that isn’t all! No siree. At the end of the hallway, M told me that her class was upstairs. So up we went. I started to exit the stairwell but M grabbed my hand and said “Not here, silly! All the way up!”  And up we went…to the top floor.

I was wiped out. Hubs laughed at me and reminded me that stairs are good for the butt. (Not helping!) He dropped me off at home and went to work. That meant that I would have to walk back to pick her up. I bundled up Bandit and we took a nice brisk walk.

I was surprised at how much I have missed walking. I was energized. I was working up a sweat. I was…..early.

Yes, I was twenty minutes early. So Bandit and I walked up and down the block a few times, and on one of our turns, I noticed a sign. “No pets on the school grounds”.

Awesome.

Luckily, Bandit was good. He sat whenever anyone approached to say hello. Thank God no one seemed to be there to enforce the rule. Finally, parents began to show up. And they walked into the school.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I have to go in to get her? What about my dog? I watched as one by one the parents came out with their kids. Every one of them raced past me as if they were in a timed race to get out of there. Finally I managed to stop one and ask her where I had to go. I imagined that I would have to tie Bandit to a bench or ask her to please hold onto him. But no, I could walk up to the doors and get someone’s attention. Whew!

Poor M was on the verge of tears. She hadn’t seen me right away and thought I had forgotten all about her. When she saw me, she smiled a huge smile and yelled,(in the echo-y foyer) “Miss Chris!! Have I got something to tell you!! We made a gingerbread girl and when she was in the oven, she grew legs and ran away and we found crumbs and we followed them through the hallway and I think she went outside on the playground and we are going to look for her next week and did you see her run by?”

Damn! Take a breath child!!

I got a feeling of deja vu and suddenly I was holding the hand of another little girl who also told me a story like that. It was another girl who told me about snowmen and Santas and pigs (don’t ask) It was another little girl who’s hand was enveloped in my own.

It’s been a long time since I had to walk home from kindergarten with Babygirl. It was really cool to have a reminder.

Thanksgiving night, Son1 showed up with his girls. We had a nice visit and we chatted of this and that. And then he said it….

“My birthday is coming up”

As if I could forget! I have so many occasions in December that it is imperative to write them down. In order, it is my mom’s birthday, my parents’ anniversary, my nephew’s birthday, my son, my late father-in-law,my brother, the holidays and then Son2. In between each, I have to cram in shopping for gifts, cards and Christmas gifts. It is quite a whirlwind. But for some reason, this year he thought he would remind me….because yanno, I’m getting up in years…..(I almost slapped him for that!)

On random days he would stop in after work and say hello. He always made sure to do the countdown….3 weeks…17 days…12 days…1 week… Like a child he was so excited about this birthday. One day, we were chatting on the phone and I asked him why he was so excited about this birthday.

“I’m gonna be 29. After that, I’ll be a real grownup. This is like…the last year that I can…..maybe….”

Maybe what? Spill kiddo!!

And much like Ralphie had asked for “an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle”, he asked for “Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2″, a video game for an xBox.

And as a true mom, I said “Oh honey, that is so violent. And besides, aren’t you a little old for games like that?” He looked crestfallen.

As the days went by, he managed to work that video game into conversations. He even showed me the sale ads and left them on the dining room table.  Finally, on Friday night, he called to say that Shenanigans had bought him an xBox.

“Mom, it would be great if  ’someone’ got  ” Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2″ so that I could play it. Hint, hint.”

“Do you know how much that is??  I can’t afford that! It’s almost Christmas! How ’bout I just make you a cake? You know that we usually wait to give you a gift.”

“Mom! I never ask for anything!! Can you tell me if you’re going to get it for me? I’m almost ready to go buy it for myself.”

” Well, babe, I guess you’ll just have to wait until Tuesday to find out…”

“MOM!!!  My birthday is MONDAY!!!!”

“I know. I was just fuckin witcha.”

And I made him wait……All through the weekend….all day Monday…..And finally…

I gave it to him. I can’t remember the last time I saw him look that happy about a gift. I was happy about spending a small fortune on a video game.

And I’m glad that he can’t “shoot his eye out.”

My “baby” is going to be 30….next year….. 

There are lots of television shows that I never watched when they were originally on tv. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, “Reba” and “Crossing Jordan” are a few of them. Either they were on at inconvenient times or not of interest to others in the family. (I know all about DVR, OnDemand, etc but none of them are the point here)

Lately, my addiction is “Wife Swap”. I sit and watch it while I eat my lunch, laughing at vegetarians vs. carnivores, neatfreaks vs. slobs, and actives vs lazybutts. Today I watched an episode that made my brain want to explode. I have gotten annoyed before by seeing kids being ignored or overindulged.  But today I watched an ‘artist’ mom vs. ‘moto-cross’ mom. The artist’s kids slept 3 in a shoebox room and smashed rocks with a golf club for fun. Really! The motorcross husband was an intolerant ass who actually said to the woman that “You will never be equal to me” Really!

Motorcross mom managed to make her points forcefully about how much the family gave up for the mom to spend her entire day painting or journaling. She was able to compromise when the dad wouldn’t give his daughter a room. She took unsmiling, visibly unhappy kids  and showed them a little bit of fun. And this made me happy to watch.

The other mom was another story.

She was incredibly selfish and when her rules were implemented, they were intolerant, unbending demands. She made no effort to participate in the other family’s life and yet, she was surprised to find that the men in that house hated her. The husband actually said “She makes my flesh crawl.” I had to agree. Neither made any attempt to compromise.

You can usually watch these shows and know that in the end, each family will make some small concessions and change the most extreme of their behaviors. Somehow I doubt that the ‘artist’ family will change and if they do, it won’t last. Mom will once again assert her will over her poor family.

I would love to see the family when the cameras are turned off. I would like to see what that woman does to her family to make them jump through hoops for her. I would love to see what fun other families learn to enjoy. I am saddened to know that there are families like these extremes out there in the world. I realize that they are not considered ‘the norm’, but still….

And I wonder just how much the husbands really appreciate their wives when they return to the roost.

***Oh My Gawd!!! This was written up and guess what was on after!!!!

THE HEENE FAMILY!!  The one’s who had ‘Balloon Boy’!!

The swapped wife told him to grow up and leave storm chasing alone to pay attention to his kids and he said…..ready?

“You’re making me look like an asshole”

I nearly died laughing . Dude! You did it to yourself.

Loser.

Hubs and I had a very productive weekend. He untangled lights and I managed to get them hung. I climbed  on my window ledges to hang lights and wreathes. I climbed on chairs to adorn the doorways and I wrapped the lights with garland.  So far, so good. We did lots of laughing and had lots of playful banter going on.

What is it about a man that makes him turn everything into sex?  Even putting up Christmas decorations turned into foreplay!

I wanted him to steady me while I was standing on a chair. He took this opportunity to comment on what was directly in his eyes. (I’ll give you a second to visualize.)  As the chair wobbled a bit, he steadied me with a firm grip on my ass. And as he helped me to jump down from the chair, of course my boobs had to rub his face while he got more than  a handful.

Damn it!! I was BUSY. I had things to do!!! I was beginning to get warm from my efforts…and I’ll admit, from other things. So I suggested a break. We bundled ourselves up and climbed into our work van. It was time to find a tree.

The first place we went to had lots of trees.  We discussed just how big I wanted it to be. We complained about the sap that dripped all over my hands.  But every single tree had huge gaping holes.  They were not what we wanted. We left that lot and went to another.

At the second lot, I was glad that we had personalized service. A very nice guy (with just a glimpse of plumber’s crack showing) led us around the lot showing us trees that were exactly what we were looking for. He held the trunks and maneuvered them so that I got a good look from every angle. That man could sure handle wood. I chose one and Hubs shoved that big tree into the rear….of the van.

We made our way home, did a few other jobs and relaxed for dinner.Hubs treated me to lunchmeat sammiches so that we wouldn’t have to cook or clean up. Hubs made his tree stand straight and tall right there in the living room. It is glorious. We had a few cocktails while we relaxed and finally we made our weary way to bed.

After a day of busy, busy, busy, we lay there in bed, watching Saturday Night Live, my head on his chest and his arms around me.We fell asleep that way.

Sometimes all the talk is enough. Sometimes a cuddle is all we need to finish ourselves off.

Getting ready for last Christmas damn near killed me. I had lists and lists of things to do–things that I have done ever since I got married. I dust baseboards, unpack and wash the holiday dishes, endless baking, and the interior of the windows. I did most of it because I would move the furniture around to make room for the tree, or because no one else would be able to get them done. And when I did them, my back hurt for days, leading me to take the pain meds and lay down in bed for a few days more.

This year is different and it shows.

I refuse to go through the pain again. I feel too damn old for this shit. I don’t have kids running around here lately so I should have almost everything done by this point. Instead, my list looks like this:

1.  Bake cookies (I have no eggs. I’m not baking)

2.  Hang the garland around the living room ( Hubs hasn’t put the lights up yet so I have to wait)

3.Vacuum the steps (Vacuum is too heavy for me do this alone.)

4. Do laundry ( I have three piles of clothes–none large enough to justify running the washer)

5. Sort ornaments so that I can give some to the son who moved (I need someone to help me dig out the box. )

6.  Dust the baseboards for lights and room for tree (Furniture is too heavy)

7.  Wash curtains in the den (Can’t reach over the desks)

I look around my living room and I can see a few snow globes and a ceramic tree with lights. I have wreathes on my doors, and an empty Santa cookie jar on my dining room table. But that is it. I am sitting here typing this and I feel like my days are being wasted. In two weeks, Christmas will be here. I have a sneaking suspicion that by the time the weekend rolls around, I will fill myself with pain pills and lidocaine patches and begin doing all that I have put off. Babygirl is working not only for Christmas money but also to fund a trip in the spring. Son2 is also working, still at two jobs. Hubs is busy too, and when he’s not, his back is as bad as my own. But he will do all the chores on his own list without a word, and end up in his own world of pain for the next days.

It is up to me, because I alone have the time to lay in bed if I need to. I can take the medication that will make me too drowsy to be of use to anyone. Well, that and if I don’t do it myself, I will aggravate everyone and myself  by overseeing the work and not being satisfied to the point of screaming “Just give it to me!!”

These are the sacrifices that I make…..actually, not just me but many, many other people. We pass up our own comfort for the comfort of others. So many occasions have tasks of their own to be completed and in our family, everyone has their own holiday.

Christmas is mine. It is the best because I get to open my house to family and friends. I like my house to look festive and welcoming. I like for it to smell of cakes and cookies baking, giving off inviting aromas.

Now that I’ve typed this all out, I feel guilty. I should do it now so that I might have a week for resting…..

I’m gonna take one for the team.

I have so much to do today, so I’d better get up…..ooh! “Reba”’s on!!….okay, I need to get…I love this episode!…Now that’s it. Take out my clothes….I wanna wear my grey sweater….look at all these sweaters! I should put them in the “underbed storage”….but first I have to take the summer stuff out…..(Take summer stuff to the basement)…and as long as I’m down here, I might as well do laundry…Damn! I can’t get in the shower while the wash is running. The water pressure will suck. I’ll have a cup of coffee…..Mmm, cookies!….Wash stopped. I should put them in the dryer before I forget….and grab gift bags as long as I’m here…*chirp chirp* I got a text. I should answer that….(Hop into the shower.) I should spray the tile since I’m done…That shower was great. Before I forget, I should put those things in the bags….I’m chilly…I should dress….(Carry wrapping paper to table) ….Bandit! Wanna go out?…..Go put presents into boxes…Shit! I forgot the tissue!….(Open all boxes and add tissue)….*chirp chirp* Another text? How come Babygirl is texting me during class?….(Carry all gifts to dining room to wrap)…..Wrapping needs music. Where’s my iPod?….These earbuds are annoying. I should use the iHome….Finally! One gift wrapped!!….I gotta pee…*ring ring* What’s that Hubs? One the way home?….Shit! ….(Hide all Hubs’ gifts)….Two gifts wrapped…..It’s what time?? Babygirl and Son will home any minute!….(Hide their gifts too)…Is it really dinner time already?….Why am I so tired??

I feel like I got nothing done today.

Hello? Anyone there?

Yes, I am still here. And no, I haven’t abandoned you. I have been otherwise occupied. The Muse has been hanging out with me and I like to take advantage of her every visit. Lemme see…..

Okay, I have begun preparing for Christmas. I have taken out the wreathes and snow globes. I have taken out the ceramic tree and the Nativity set. The poinsettia tablecloth now graces my dining room table. I have been sure not to overburden myself no matter how much I want to. Baby steps this year…..baby steps….

I took down my drapes to wash them and when I did, I learned that far too many of my hooks needed replacing. After looking in stores like Tarjay and Wallyworld and even the Kmart, I became a little disheartened to find that none of them sold true drapery hooks. Oh, they had little things but none that were at least four inches long with split ’stems’. Finally I remembered a small curtain outlet and I figured that that would be the answer to my prayers. Hubs and I went in and found a disappointing display area. Large shower curtain rings and circular “sew them in” rings were in large supply. However, the ones I wanted were not to be found. Hubs wasn’t about to be dragged from store to store again, so of course he had to check every single package of hooks because I certainly couldn’t be trusted to do a ‘good enough’  job of  searching….

Wouldn’t you know it?  That bastard found some!! And he rubbed my nose in the fact that he found them in the same area that I had just checked! Well, whatever, Mr Monk! You solved the mystery!!  I needed about four packages to do the job, but Hubs made sure that I had a backup supply. He bought all seven packages, and a backup tablecloth. He was so nice that I stopped calling him Mr Monk.

The day I wanted to rehang the drapes, I learned something new. The new hooks are not quite as long as I wanted, but they would have to do. I hung one side of the curtains and when I began to do the other, something went ‘pop’. And then it happened again, this time followed by a metallic ‘ping’ against the glass of the window. I looked down and found….

half a hook.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we bought cheapy  ‘quittters’.  Good thing Hubs had the foresight to buy all seven packages, because instead of using four, I used six. I had to be extra careful with them too!! I considered taking them back but after looking all over and not being able to find them, I decided that they would hold up long enough for the holidays. I’ll worry about finding new ones later. But hey! My curtains look great! 

What else…

Well, as long as the “Cleaning Muse” was here, I cleared up stuff in the basement, I cleaned stuff in the kitchen, and I even cleaned my stinky dog. Not bad for a couple of days.

The next visit was from the “Creative Muse”. I have found a use for some of the random phrases that have floated through my head and I have begun to do some ’serious’ writing. I kind of had an idea, and taking your advice, I typed it out to save for another time. Instead, when I had finished that sentence, another one followed and another and another. My fingers couldn’t keep up with the thoughts that formed in my head. I kept going until the phone rang, breaking the spell. When I returned, I read what was in front of me and was amazed…..

It  was good.

Now I won’t exaggerate and say that I am writing a deeply inspiring manuscript, nor will I say that it is sex-filled romp for adults only. I will, however, say that it is has started out as something that I would pick up and take to the beach to read on a sunny summer day. I showed it to two of my best friends and they said (I quote) “I can’t wait to see where this goes! This is really good! You have to finish it!!”  You should know that they are the girls who told me that my ass is ‘non-existent’, that I take good pictures, and they have seen me in a bathing suit without throwing up. They can be trusted to tell the unvarnished truth. To say that I was encouraged is putting it mildly.

In the days since they read the first few pages, I have had days in which I have found myself sitting down with my morning coffee and my laptop and not stopped typing until I had to pee somewhere around lunch time. I am astonished to find at this stage in my life, a talent that has lain dormant in me, waiting for a muse to wake it up and breathe life into it. This attempt at a book may not go anywhere important. Then again, it might. One never knows these things.

All I know is that I am having a wonderful time doing something that I enjoy.

That, my friends, is where I have been. I think I have ‘found my bliss”.

Last night I watched “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”. You know, the original one. The good one with the voice of  Boris Karloff. Every year I watch it. Once a year had always been enough. For years, that was it for television. Once a season. The good old days….before overkill. Now it is on the day after Thanksgiving and then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the “Grinchy Weekend”.  And sometimes even on Christmas Eve. But I will watch it once.

I have also seen “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. You know, the other one. The one with Jim Carrey and a cast of thousands. Every year now it’s on cable and regular channels with a frequency that rivals toy commercials. I was not happy with this one. Maybe I was a snob or a traditionalist. I don’t know. I have always thought that if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. The original was perfection. Not too long. It held a child’s attention.

Now it is a  rarity to see animation. Or maybe I should say cartoon animation. Kids today are being raised on children’s television that is a mish mash of styles. The Disney channel shows stuff like Hannah Montana and the Wizards of Waverly Place. If you want to see a cartoon, maybe you will be lucky to catch one in the middle of the night or after dinner they may show “The Little Mermaid” …but only if you are lucky.

If you turn on Nickelodeon, you may be treated to Jimmy Neutron. Computer generated animation is very cool, don’t get me wrong.  But what happened to Bugs Bunny?  A whole story was told in ten minutes. What we saw back then was drawing after drawing from a cartoonist’s pencil. They took time and alot of talent. Now the kids get SpongeBob, who, while still awesome, is just lacking in depth.

I have tried to watch the cartoon Grinch with kids and they are just not interested. “It has songs” “It don’t have explosions” and “It’s boring” are a few of the comments that I have heard. Yet, if I turn on the movie version, they will sit mesmerized as trees around Whoville are blown up or set on fire. They find it amusing to see the Grinch vandalize the post office and the gifts.

I don’t find it funny at all. I have noticed that I am saddened to see my old favorites being passed over in favor of full length toy pitches. I remember the magic of Rudolf  and Charlie Brown. I remember the laughter. I remember all the songs. I remember sitting with my parents and it was a family ‘event’.

What will today’s kids remember?