This morning around 10 am, two teenaged girls were hit by a train and killed. The suffering of their parents, I can’t even begin to imagine.

I mention this because both of the girls went to school with my niece. They were killed less than half a block away from her home….a home which also faces the tracks.

Every day in school, their absence will be felt by their friends. Their desks will be empty as well as their spots at the lunch table. Their friends will walk past their lockers expecting to see their faces or hear their laughter. They will walk past “that place” and always remember what happened there.

I know. I lost a friend at the same age. He slipped on wet leaves and fell under a trolley. To this day, when I pass that trolley stop, I say a prayer for him because I remember that tragic day.

For me, his death made me more aware of standing back away from the edge of the platform. I learned to respect the rolling steel box that took us to and from school every day. I tried to impart this lesson to my own kids. They also walked along the trolley tracks and sometimes the train tracks. I would beg them to stay away. When I caught them, they were grounded, but they continued to walk the tracks with their friends. They thought I didn’t know, but they were “immortal” teenagers.

This is not the first time that a train has taken such young lives. Each of my sons lost a classmate in this way. No matter that Amtrak places fences along the rails. Kids will find a way to take a shortcut. Such a steep price to pay for saving a few seconds.

I don’t understand why we can’t learn from these tragedies. I mean ‘we’ as in ‘humans’. Living in an area close to two major train lines, I hear these stories more than once or twice a year. It is not only children who cross where they shouldn’t. It isn’t only teenagers who take a shortcut when they are out walking. Adults are guilty of this behavior also.

I’ll prayer for these girls and their families. I’ll pray for my niece and all of her friends.

And I’ll pray that someday, maybe someday soon, the message will sink in…..Keep off the tracks.

Peace – that was the other name for home.  ~Kathleen Norris

My friend Hilly has returned to California after trying to live in Florida. It seems that Florida is just not where her heart is happiest. Yes, she has her very best friends there and she is definitely surrounded by unconditional love, and yet….something was missing. And so, she went back to California, a place that gives her both happiness and peace.

I have read the posts that she had written about her inner struggles with this choice. I have read what her friends think about this subject and it has led me to wonder…..Where is your heart happy? 

I know that we are all going to say, “I am happy with my family/pets/children”  But on that spiritual level, what gives you peace?

My soul, for some reason is unbelievably peaceful in the historic district of Philadelphia. I don’t why this is. I can stroll the streets, visit museums, see the birthplace of America and I am perfectly content.I feel an unexplainable connection. I don’t need anyone to be with me when I am there. I just….am.

I am also very happy to be on a beach. All the troubles that I may feel, all the worries that may be in my head, are washed away – even for a moment or two – by the constant ebb and flow of the tide. My mind can go absolutely blank as I drink in the vastness of the ocean. On a cold winter’s day, I can feel the wind whip a frigid mist that will spray me. On a hot summer’s day, I feel the sun shine on me. And both times, I will be happy and at peace with the world.

Where is your home?

The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keeps you there.  ~Ellie Rodriguez

I hate when the bills come rolling in. Oh, yeah, we all do. We hate that they need to be paid, hate writing the checks or sending them online, whatever. They are a huge annoyance.

In our house, Hubs will say “gather up the bills and we can handle that tonight.”  This means taking each bill and totalling up the balances. When he comes home we decide which ones will get paid immediately and which ones will wait until next week. Then I write the checks and stuff the envelopes (because the internet cannot be trusted with the information needed to pay the bills. ‘Big Brother’ and all that..)

This month we – and by ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ – are dealing with the billing company used by our back doctor. When we go to his office, we have an option of paying the co-pay or being billed for it. The next time Hubs wants to be billed? I will punch his junk. Seriously.

In January, we went into the office and were told that we owed a balance. So we paid that balance and the co-pay. That’s that, right? Nope. Then we get a bill for $50.00 (The old balance) We told them we paid it. “Oh, okay. I see that. Ignore this bill”  Then, we get a new bill.  Hubs owes $40.00 and I owe $10.00. Hmmm….So I call the doctor’s office. The woman is pissed off by the incompetance of the billing company and she goes through this all the time.  Yes, we paid. If billing has a problem, tell them to call the office.

Big sigh. Finally it’s finished.

I get a call from the billing department. Seems that we owed something from 2009. When we paid in the office, they used it for the back balance. Now we owe co-pay for the January visit.  Fucking $80.00.  I should have just paid the $10 and $40. I understand the billing. She explained it over and over until I ‘got it’ .  Now I have to explain it to Hubs. I don’t see this going well.

The doctor is in the process of finding a new company because shit like this is happening to more than a few patients.  What if I pay it and it is actually less or non-existent?  What if I ask why I haven’t been billed before now and then they look closely at the bill (as they did this time) and I find out that it is substantially more?

I loathe incompetance.  This is beyond a small mistake. It is happening to other people. When Hubs and I go in for the back injections, we are among the younger patients. How many of the older people are from the era that ‘billing is always correct’ ?  How many will pay it, no questions asked? How many of you double check the dates of the services you are provided?

Dyptich color of the day is….Violet.

And don’t forget to check out Finn, Ren, Robin and Bluepaintred.

This weekend I was lucky enough to spend Saturday night in the company of friends. This alone is very cool in my book, but even better was the fact that “Skittles” was with us.

Skittles and I share a birthday.

When we learned this, we were two high school sophomores getting ready to turn sixteen. We were giggly girls who thought it was hysterical to proclaim ourselves as ‘twins’. We are still young girls at heart and we still refer to each other as “Twin”. This is one thing that makes  celebrating with common friends easier? Harder? I don’t know. On the one hand it involves double cards, gifts, and perhaps phone calls. On the other hand, it involves only one party, one cake, one night to go out and perhaps spend money on drinks.

We got together on Saturday with Dawn and two other friends that I have known ‘forever’.  Our friend Diane drove and drove, and got lost, but never gave up until she got there–two hours late!!  The hostess was Donna.  She and I have a looong history. We walked to kindergarten together, played ’school’  in her garage, had sleep overs, and raided her sister’s makeup. I remember the sound of her mother’s voice (even after all these years!) and I remember the grief I felt when her father died.  So many of these things came to mind when she suggested a ’sleepover’.

We gathered in Donna’s basement and began our silliness. Drinks were mixed and poured. High calorie snacks were put out and the Wii came on. As soon as we were all together the laughter started and for the next six hours or so, they never stopped. Yearbooks were brought out to jog our memories. The crazy stories and rumors were shared and argued over. The jello shots (which were provided in needle syringes-thanks Nurse Dawn!)  were sucked down.

Eventually all things must come to an end. The others needed to get home to their children, pets, and family obligations. Donna and I (and her daughter, Miss Cutie Pie) settled in for the night.

As my eyes closed, I replayed the nights events and smiled in the dark. I could hear Cutie Pie begin to breathe evenly as she finally slept. And I was filled with joy. I was lying next to one of my oldest friends in the entire world. I was so incredibly happy to have her back in my life.

Forty-seven was a pretty good year for me. I hope forty-eight will be equally good- if not better!!!

Eighteen years ago, on the very day that Babygirl was born, Hubs began working for a company that would employ him for roughly ten years. An average day for him began with getting up at 5am in order to get to the offices by 5:45 and out on the road by 6am. His day lasted until he got home somewhere in the ballpark of 5pm. This was as close to a normal timetable as we would ever get.

Hubs is an electrician. With this particular company, his job was mainly considered to be industrial. He maintained street lights and airport runways. He made sure that many businesses had operating air conditioners, sump pumps and generators. He made sure that bridges or parking lots were well lit.

Bad weather was a double-edged sword. I would worry about him something terrible. It wasn’t always about the work he was doing, but more often it was the drivers on the road. There were always the idiots who be driving in the snow on bald tires. There were the drunks who wouldn’t see the huge flashing signs that signaled a worker on a cherry-picker fifty feet in the air. Besides these fears, there were the more human worries. Was he warm/cool enough? He was working in the middle of the night after working an eight hour day because of an emergency. He was sick, or he was hurting. It never mattered because he loves his job and his family and he always did what he had to do….and he made some serious bank. With weather like this storm, he was one of the guys that would restore power to your home. He was the guy that made sure hospital generators were working. He made sure that even through the storm, the bridge lights blinked to signal their existence to the airplanes. He would fix the wires felled by trees or ice.

We are currently in the middle of some of the worst weather my area has ever seen. And tonight my husband is not home. He is not with the other company anymore, but he is out there in this mess of snow, wind and freezing temperature. As a side job, he is supervising both of our sons, a nephew and a friend as they handle some snow plowing, blowing and shoveling. This is what they did starting at 4am yesterday. They worked until noon and then came home for food and sleep. Tonight they left at 9pm and they won’t return until roughly 8 am.

This job will make sure that the boys have a paycheck- even though their other jobs are closed this week. This job will make sure that we have money coming in since our own business has been so slow. Luckily for us, the boys enjoy this type of work. Luckily for us, Hubs only has to supervise and not physically exert himself.

But here I sit, at 10:44pm, with the television on to keep me company. My dog is lying next to me and my laptop is…well…on my lap. Hubs doesn’t take trips. He doesn’t go out with friends and stay out until all hours. The only time that I am alone at night like this is when he works. It has been a long, long time since this has happened.  Long ago, I loved the quiet. My kids were finally in bed. My laundry was getting finished and the house was cleaned-at least for a few hours. I would sit up to read, watch television, or just to take a long bubble bath with my walkman playing in my ears. I would find something-anything- to occupy myself. I found it so damn hard to sleep without him next to me.

Now, I will watch “Nip/Tuck”. Then I will take my night time meds and include an Motrin PM. I may chat with a west coast friend on Facebook for a bit and then I will turn off the laptop and the light. I’ll put the television on ’snooze’ and finally relax enough to sleep for the night.

I wonder if this is just another sign that I am at another stage of my life. I am okay with the quiet of the house. I am okay knowing that Babygirl is upstairs sleeping in her own bed, instead of asking her to come in here to keep me company with her soft snores.

Tonight I will stretch out and even sleep diagonally if I want. I can throw my arms out wide, or kick the covers off  if I am so inclined.

And I will be happy that he can do the same thing tomorrow when he gets home.

And now, I present “Indigo”

And don’t forget to check out Finn, Ren, Robin and Bluepaintred.

Just a few observations…

* You shovel your walk and dig out your car. You put the snow in the street. The plow pushes it back and buries your car. So you dig out your car. You put the snow in the street. The plow pushes…

*If your shovel broke on Saturday or Sunday, GO TO THE FUCKING HOME DEPOT AND BUY A NEW ONE TODAY!!  Don’t wait until Tuesday afternoon when the next storm starts. Oh, and while you’re there? GRAB A GODDAMNED BAG OF SALT!

*The snow comes and everyone runs out and buys up all the milk and bread. If you can’t drive down a street in your little freaking Prius, what makes you think that delivery trucks will be able to fit through? If the cashier says “We have no milk and bread.” Don’t ask if she is hiding some in the back for tomorrow’s shoppers. Yeah, she’s hiding it…..fuck head.

*If you park your car under a tree or other area in which it is possible that snow will fall on it, turn off your fucking car alarm. If it goes off at three in the morning again, you’d better not let it honk for an hour. If you do, I will pour water over your car doors and windows and your front steps.

*The roads are narrower due to the snow piles. They are narrower for everyone. This means MOVE THE FUCK OVER if you see another car coming. Your Hummer is an asshole’s behemoth. Don’t be so freaking selfish!

*Are you an exerciser? Are you a mom? Stay out of the street! Can you skip the shit for ONE DAY??  Slip on the ice while we are driving and you deserve to be run over. If you have to take the kids out in the stroller, don’t make them a party to your idiocy. I saw cars fishtailing. Who’s to say that one wouldn’t plow into that stroller with your beautiful twins in it?  You don’t know me, but you ruined my day just knowing you were responsible for those little angels.

[BIG INHALE]

 We now return you to your regular blog reading….

I’m sitting here looking out the window and I’m waiting for the ‘blizzard’.

I hate the cold. I hate the grey. When it gets ready to snow, I feel it. It’s like someone is holding onto my knees or my elbows as I am moving around. Have you ever felt like that? It doesn’t hurt, but it is annoying as hell.

Once the snow starts, however, it is one of the most beautiful things in the world. The white covers the world and makes it look new…at least until the cars get to it.

When I was a kid, my mom didn’t drive. We’d walk everywhere. And of course, having four kids, we always needed milk and bread. She would wait until after dinner if possible so that dad was home to stay with the little ones. As the eldest, I went along as ‘company’.  No matter how much the others would cry to go along, mom would never allow them to go. It was our special time.

Bundled into my coat, with the scarf pulled up high on my face, I would feel like ‘hot shit’. I was going with mom! Kiss my ass, eat your hearts out! It was all about me! She would get a few dollars from dad and into the white we would go. I remember the magic of walking at night, how the snow made the neighborhood bright even where the streetlights didn’t reach.

I remember the joy I felt as my feet were the first to put prints into the snow. Since the snowplow had cleared the streets, we’d walk right down the middle of the street. It was my mom who taught me how to slide on the snow and ice. We would walk the four blocks to the store, sometimes taking a circuitous route. Now that I am an adult, I realize that this was mom’s escape from the house. She never took the younger ones with us, because they required more preparation, more attention, and they would tire easily. She claimed it was because I could carry a bag of groceries, but now, I know the truth.

We would talk about school, about what I wanted for Christmas, and after that, what I wanted for my birthday. She would ask about my friends or about the book I was reading. These memories blend into one another because this was ‘our time’  from the time I was five until I left home when I married. We went from discussing Christmas, to discussing college and boys. It was during one of these walks that I told her about my feelings for Hubs. That was the night she found out that he was out of high school already and she warned me of the dangers of  ‘construction workers’ who could possibly be after one thing….(I think she meant hamburgers)

As an adult myself, I haven’t given my kids these memories. We always lived with a store on the corner (the same on I walked to with mom) We were two doors away from the in-laws. If it was snowing, my kids wanted to play on the street with their friends or in the back yards with their cousins. Our memories of snow will be different, but I hope that they never forget the sound of Grandmom’s voice calling them for cocoa, the sound of the laughter they shared with family and friends, or the magic of the sparkles.*

*As you look at the nighttime snow, and you see the sparkles, look very closely. If you are lucky, you may get a glimpse of Santa’s workshop and the little elves at work. A sparkling snowflake is the only window to the North Pole…..or so my mommy told me….

Today, I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards, I have a husband who loves me. I have a son who makes me proud as he grows into adulthood. I have another  son who has gone through difficulties and still plugs on, even when he is sick and tired and discouraged. , I have a daughter who is beautiful, smart, and funny. I get excited when I think of all the world has to show her.

Today, I have both of my parents, both of my brothers and my sister. I have aunts, uncles and a grandparent.  I have friends who call just to say hi, who send me a funny email, and who stop by for tea.

Today I am in no pain. I have no addictions. I can read, I can see, I can hear, and I can move. I have clothes on my back and shoes on my feet.

Today, I have heat in my house. I can look out my window and see trees and blue skies.

Today, I looked out my window and watched as a hawk hunted squirrels in my back yard. I watched in wonder as Nature unfolded before my eyes. I wasn’t disgusted or horrified. I simply watched what many will never see outside of their television sets.

Today, I am blessed.