It was a beautiful day, 68 degrees and bright sunshine.  I dressed for exercise and tied up my laces. I put a leash on my dog, grabbed my keys and set off for a walk to the post office. I got to the corner and turned around.

I woke up with a headache and I had chosen to ignore it. I had hoped that between the sunshine and the exercise, it would go away. It didn’t. Instead, by the time I got home, Migraine was accompanied by it’s good friend Chills.

I came in, drew the drapes, grabbed a pillow and blanket and considered huddling on the couch, in the dark. But no….the voices had other ideas…

“Grab a spoon.”  said One. “If you use it like a melon baller, you can scoop your eyeball out.”

“The large knife would be better.” said Two. “Perhaps you can open your skull and pull out the piece of brain that hurts.”

“Oh no,” cried Three. ” Matches! If you set yourself on fire, you won’t be chilly anymore. Besides, your burning flesh will take your mind off of the pain in your head!”

“So sorry”, said Four. “You need to reach the bathroom NOW. I am the voice of your nausea. I want to come out to play.”

With that, Nausea joined Migraine and Chills. They are enjoying quite the playdate.

And I am the playground.

See that hot mess above?  That is one wall in my bathroom. I am planning on stripping off all that nasty wallpaper and painting what I find underneath. The problem is the tile. I hate those colors, but I shouldn’t complain. My parents and Son1 both have pink and black *shudder*. I’d hate to deal with that!!

This is where you can help me. I am not blessed with an eye toward decorating or color ‘match’ . So I am looking for suggestions.  I am not even going to try wallpaper. I don’t have the time or money. I just want to paint before the graduation.

I don’t even know what you would call that….Peach and Beige? I guess that’s about right. And the floor is the same two shades. *Gag!*  The opposite wall is this one:

Nice bright shiny white. That will stay. There are lots of trees, and that means that even though there is a window, shade will dominate, so I don’t want to go too dark.

So there you have it. Any suggestions? Anyone?……Anyone?……Beuhler?…….

There isn’t much going on over here. The weather is awful and it brings with it much allergy suckage.  My eyes constantly itch and the pulsing headache never stops….going on five days and counting…..

A few friends and I were talking this weekend and we noticed that so many of us have kids the same age who are graduating this June. So far, my Babygirl is going the furthest away. The others are only going to be about an hour or so away from home or at the local community college. The subject of  ‘empty nest’ depression came up and I was surprised to hear my friends admit to horrible sadness and disappointment that their kids are going away. Personally, although I will miss her terribly, I am very excited for my daughter to go away and experience the world. We already have a few conversations on Facebook- especially when we don’t want Hubs to overhear us. I know that these chats and texts will continue. Now I wonder if I, too will become depressed when the time comes to wave goodbye. God, I hope not!!

Speaking of graduation, we are also planning her graduation party. On Christmas Eve – when it is Hubs’ family only – we have roughly 40 or so people. Add in the 20-something on my side and a few of our family friends, and we have 75 folks who will be here. Yes, I said HERE. Money constraints make it impossible to rent a hall. We will cram everyone inside the house and outside in the yard (Thank God for two bathrooms!!)  Food will be ordered and some family will also contribute. The only problem we have will be seating. I hope to borrow a few picnic tables. And let’s not even consider rain!!  We’ve done this all before and I have nearly dropped dead of stress and worry…. only to have everything work out in the end……Let’s hope for good weather!!!

Well, Hubs is home today and it’s still raining outside. It’s time to choose a movie and snuggle with my man……SEE YA!!

He told me that he was leaving early. He told me that he wouldn’t be home until after five o’clock. He told me that I would have the whole day to myself.

He lied.

Hubs had a class on updated electrical codes. He left before seven am. I was still asleep as he kissed me goodbye and left the house. I was so happy. After a night of fitful sleep, I was glad that I had no plans, no reason to get up before I was good and ready.

I slept in until ten. I grabbed a cup of coffee and a boiled egg and went back to the bedroom, where I did some internet surfing and tv watching. Finally, I was ready to get up and get going. I took out clothes and lay them on my bed but suddenly realized that I had the perfect opportunity to really get some shit done around here. When Hubs is around, he cramps my style. I get nothing done. But with him being gone all day….. oh, what to do, what to do?

I decided that since Son2 didn’t have to work tonight, it would be nice if he could watch the baseball game in a clean room for a change. This would entail vacuuming and moving some stuff around….and sweating. Instead of dressing in clean clothes, I grabbed the dirty stuff from yesterday. I figured that since I was the only one here, no one would care. Then when I was finished, I would shower and change into clean stuff later.

Ahhh…..a plan…

I took the vacuum upstairs and cleaned. I dusted the table and television. I folded his clothes and hung stuff in his closet. It looked good already. The last thing was the floor. I vacuumed the room, then took the hose and ran it down the corners around the floorboards. I reached up and got the spider webs that were forming in the corners. I stopped to move the table over and heard a commotion downstairs. The dog was greeting someone.

“It can’t be that late yet!  Babygirl must have gotten home from school early!”  I thought. “Hello!!”  I called out.

Imagine my surprise when I heard Hubs’ voice answer.

It was a four hour class- not eight hours as he had thought. He was home and it was only one o’clock.  I quickly finished the room and brought the vacuum back downstairs.

My face was red with exertion. I was soaked with sweat. Between the heat and the work, my hair was in a frizzy mess.  In my haste to get moving this morning, I forgot the deodorant. I smelled as good as I looked.

“Oh my God! Why didn’t you call??? I could have at least showered before you got home!!  I’m disgusting!”

He kissed me. “Mmm salty. You’re so cute when you hate me.”

How can I argue with that?

When I was in 6th, 7th and 8th grade, I enjoyed running track. It was one of the only sports that I could do that didn’t require sign-up fees or new stuff like shoes, cleats, or walking in the winter to get to practice. I loved it and I was fairly good. I regret that I gave it up in high school, but now I have a chance to watch Jazz do her own running …. and she’s good!

This year, she got to run in the Penn Relays on CYO night. In her race – the 4×100 relay- she was the last runner (the anchor) and she managed to pass three other runners!! Our Lady of Fatima didn’t win, but they beat their own personal times and also came in 6th overall in the junior girl’s relay.

Lemme share….

Jazz is the front row far right.

Here she is waiting for her relay to be called.

 It was a fun night with great weatherand I couldn’t have been any prouder of my Jazzamatazz!!

The day was beautiful, warm enough without being hot. The sunshine, in it’s brilliance seemed to magnify both colors and smells. I want to be outside.

I call to her, “I’m going for a walk. I won’t be long.”  Her response surprises me. “I’ll go with you.”

It always surprises me when she says that. Maybe it’s because teenagers don’t want to be seen with their parents. I don’t know what it is, but I won’t stop to ask or dwell on it. I am happy and will accept it for what it is.

“I’m bringing my camera. I saw something that I’d like to take pictures of.”  I tell her.  ”Cool” ,  she says. “Wait while I get  mine.”

This is even more surprising than the offer to walk with me.  We have each had our cameras on certain occasions and we have taken photos of the same things, but I don’t recall going out specifically to take pictures. I smile inwardly, afraid to spook her with over-eager exclamations of “Really?” or “Hey! That sounds lovely!”

We grab the dog and bring him along.

As we walk, we chat about her BF, about college, about prom and graduation. We talk about everything and nothing. We talk with ease.  Some sounds like typical mother/daughter conversation. Some other sounds like two adult women. It flickers easily between the two.

We stop and look at mushrooms, taking pictures and discussing angles. We see the gardens of the neighborhood and the displays that color the center of town.  In front of the library, we stop to admire the tulips. She leans over to shoot into the center of the blooms. She squats to get up close to them. I look at her, at the way the sunlight reflects off the golden highlights in her hair. I see the concentration on her face and the satisfaction as she finds the exact angle that she had been looking for.

I lift my camera to capture the image of my daughter as she moves among the blossoms. She enjoys what she is doing. She is blissfully unaware of her natural beauty.  She laughs as the dog tangles himself in her legs. She leans to rub his ears and to accept his sloppy dog kisses.

We continue our walk and eventually turn toward home. Both of us are happy with the photos that we have taken. Both of us are happy that we’ve gotten in some exercise without becoming sweaty and uncomfortable.

There is half a block left before home. The dog knows and pulls in that direction. I want to slow him down. I don’t want the walk to end. It was far too short.

The thing that I wanted the most

Was to write an exciting new post

I need energizing

and some exercising

or I’d have nothing of which to boast.

I first had to shut my front door

And then I got down on the floor

I wanted to do

a push up or two

I did two and I couldn’t do more.

Whazzat noise?  Dat my jingle?  WALKIES!!!!!!  Ican’twaitIcan’twaitIcan’twait!!! 

 ”Sit still Bandit! As soon as the leash is on….”

WALKIES!!!!  WALKIES!!!  I like going out the- *GAAAAK!* I can smell -*GAAAK!* 

“If you would stop trying to run ahead, you wouldn’t choke, silly pup!”

 What did she say? I don’t unders–TREE!!!!  sniff snuff sniff  Hang on! I gotta….aaaaahhhhh. Wait…..aaaahhhhh. I think dat’s all….Hey! There’s Sadie! Yo, bitch! Whatchu doin’ waggin’ dat fine tail over there! Come ovah here, let Bandit show you—*GAAAAAK!* Lemme show you–*GAAAK!* Damn, Sadie!  Mommy’s yankin’ my chain. I gotta go. I’ll see you—TREE!!!!  Aaaaahhhh.

“You have to walk nice, Baby. I don’t want to drag you or choke you. That’s better. Who’s a good puppy?”

MAILMAN!!!  Lemme at him! Lemme at him!! *GAAAAK!* I just wanna sniff him, Mom!! Just a sniff!! And a taste….just a wee nibble….*GAAAK* Dude, one day I’ma jump out da window and sniff you real good, knowamsayin’? You’ll be dropping that bag and runnin’ like —SQUIRREL!!!  Hey! Member me? Hey! Wanna play chase again? Come back! Come- *GAAAAAK*

“Now you sit nice while Mommy goes in the store. Be good…..”

Why she say be good? Like I got a choice. Hmmmf. Couldn’t even tie me to a tree. Whatchu lookin’ at bird? Come over here and say that!  That’s right. I din’t think so. BOY!!!!   Hey boy!!!   Wanna scratch my ears? Ooooh, yeah…..like that. I like that. lick lick.  Whatchu have for lunch? Do I taste peanut butter on your chin? And is that….slurp….is that wax in your ears?  MOMMY!! Oh Mommy where were you? I missed you. I thought you leaveded me! Pickmeup, pickmeup, pickmeup!!  *sigh*

“Look at that doggy, Bandit. Isn’t that a big doggy?

A ‘doggy’? I only see that horse over there. A real dog isn’t that big. I could walk right under him if I want–CAT!!!  Gimme, gimme, gimme! *GAAAAK* I want the -*GAAAAK*  Please, mommy! *GAAAAK*  Damn. Foiled again.  Sniff snuff  Is that gum? Ooh, puddle!  Wanna go dat way- *GAAAK*

“Almost home, Bandit. That was a good walk wasn’t it?”

Openthedoor,openthedoor. Ahh, it’s nice in here. Where mah water?  slurp,slurp  Mom! Da phone! Mom! Whatchu doin’ in that room? Mom!! Phone! 

“Hello? Oh, hi!  How have you been? It’s good to hear from you!….”

Ew, MOMMY!!  What dat smell??  All dat walkin and you din’t do dat outside?  Daddy gonna rub your nose in dat!  Uh-oh. She’s sitting down. I guess this call is gonna take a while. Move over Mom! Can I sit witchu? Can I? Move…over….just ..a..bit….there! *SIGH* Mommy, you so squishy-soft.  I like your lap. Lap sounds like nap….Nappies!….time for nappies…..I….like…..nappies…..*snore*

My grade school is closing. It is a Catholic grade school which once had thousands of kids in attendance. My graduating class had four homerooms with 30-35  kids in each classroom  room. This year there are roughly 40 in the entire graduating class.

Many people have moved out of the town. It used to have tons of families and each family had lots of kids. The majority of the kids went to St. Joseph’s.  For the high schools that the girls and boys went to, St. Joseph’s was the largest ‘feeder school’. As the inner cities grew and worked their way into the suburbs, many of the ‘old families’  moved on to the even more distant suburbs. The racial and economic dynamic changed. More and more families couldn’t afford the school tuition. More and more kids were going to the public schools. My own kids were among them.

We received word not too long ago that the school was closing. There was not enough income. There were not enough kids registered for next year. Too many repairs need to be made and not enough money to do it. I saw it coming. How could others be so surprised? My only surprise was that it hadn’t happened sooner.

I loved grade school. You all know that because you have read about the connections that have rekindled with so many of my classmates. We all have happy, sad, and hysterical memories of the days, weeks, and years we spent going through the doors. To me, that is “school”. It is the lessons learned. It is the love shared. It is the friendships forged. It just happened to occur in a building…a building named “St. Joseph’s School”. We took our “school” with us as we moved along into High school, college, adulthood.

Now the alumni is crying. They say “how could it happen?” We moved away! We stopped providing the income! That’s what happened!  And for the ones who stayed and sent their own children, did they not notice that instead of four homerooms per class, there was now only one or two? Why suddenly are there fund raisers, enrollment drives, etc?  The diocese requires 200 children in attendance to stay open. Only 142 have registered for next year. Where should we find 58 families who can afford a Catholic education? It isn’t going to happen.

Every year in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, there are some schools which are going to close. It was only a matter of time until it was our turn. If not this year, maybe next year, but it was still coming. No matter where our kids go to school, they will have pretty much the same experiences that I did. There will be cliques, friendships, dances, psycho teachers, and dorks…..just in a different building.

Everyone can have their candlelight vigils. They can say their rosaries in large prayer circles. They can wave protest signs outside of the church on Sunday. They can have their goodbye mass. It will not change anything.

A house is not a home, it is the people that live in it. That building is not the school. It is the spirit and love that it brought together.

I said goodbye to that school building in 1976.  But I am still ‘in school’ when I am with my grade school friends.

I walked for three days in a row. That isn’t a big deal, really. Once or twice a week, I manage to do beginner’s pilates. Basically, it is lots of stretching. Two or three times a month, I throw in a shot at the treadmill.  This is not a lot of exercise and it looks like even less when I see it printed out in front of my eyes likes this.

When I do the pilates, I feel great. Even the stiffness is good because I feel like I accomplished something.  But then, Hubs has a day or two at home and I cannot do it. I cannot roll around on the floor without the comments like “Oh yeah, baby! It looks good from here!” or “See? I knew you could bend like that!”  It makes me laugh, and then I lose my concentration, and then I feel self-concious.  I ask him to stop and I can see that I’ve hurt his feelings. “I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the way you look.” or “I’m just trying to encourage you.”  There is a better way to do that, but coming from him, it would sound fake, forced.

Walking – on the treadmill, or on the street – makes me sweat. I hate the feeling of sweat but I have learned to tolerate it. Walking also gives me different pains. An ache in the hip, a pinch in the back, and then my shins. It makes me stop because the hip pain makes sleep difficult. The back pain could escalate into months of shit. The shins? Well….

I’ve mentioned it to my doctor. He tells me to be sure to stretch. Take some ibuprophen. I have done that and still the ache. I last walked on Thursday and even now, on Saturday I can feel the pain. It is almost like a constant leg cramp. If I walk it out, it gets worse or it spreads to my ankles. Is it shin splints? I think so, but I still don’t know what to do about it.

I feel so weak. Why don’t I have the fortitude to go on? As a kid, and even as a young adult, I played hard. I played softball, ran track, walked for miles. I moved from a town that used to laugh at walkers and joggers to a town where they are a constant presence- rain or shine. I now have a dog for company. Why can’t I get motivated? Why can’t I get past the fear of pain? I know that exercising can help get rid of so many of my problems and yet, just the thought cripples me. I think of the people I know who lost weight due to heart problems, the people who soldier on through chemo treatments, the people who have been through physical therapy to learn to move all over again. And then I feel ashamed of my weakness.

I need a partner. I have no problem doing anything – exercise, walking, dieting- with a partner. I’ve asked a few friends and it just hasn’t worked out. A gym is not an option.

How do I get motivated? I can think of a million reasons why I can’t exercise today. And I can also think of a million reasons why I should get off my ass. How do I get rid of this defeatist attitude?