I walked for three days in a row. That isn’t a big deal, really. Once or twice a week, I manage to do beginner’s pilates. Basically, it is lots of stretching. Two or three times a month, I throw in a shot at the treadmill. This is not a lot of exercise and it looks like even less when I see it printed out in front of my eyes likes this.
When I do the pilates, I feel great. Even the stiffness is good because I feel like I accomplished something. But then, Hubs has a day or two at home and I cannot do it. I cannot roll around on the floor without the comments like “Oh yeah, baby! It looks good from here!” or “See? I knew you could bend like that!” It makes me laugh, and then I lose my concentration, and then I feel self-concious. I ask him to stop and I can see that I’ve hurt his feelings. “I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the way you look.” or “I’m just trying to encourage you.” There is a better way to do that, but coming from him, it would sound fake, forced.
Walking – on the treadmill, or on the street – makes me sweat. I hate the feeling of sweat but I have learned to tolerate it. Walking also gives me different pains. An ache in the hip, a pinch in the back, and then my shins. It makes me stop because the hip pain makes sleep difficult. The back pain could escalate into months of shit. The shins? Well….
I’ve mentioned it to my doctor. He tells me to be sure to stretch. Take some ibuprophen. I have done that and still the ache. I last walked on Thursday and even now, on Saturday I can feel the pain. It is almost like a constant leg cramp. If I walk it out, it gets worse or it spreads to my ankles. Is it shin splints? I think so, but I still don’t know what to do about it.
I feel so weak. Why don’t I have the fortitude to go on? As a kid, and even as a young adult, I played hard. I played softball, ran track, walked for miles. I moved from a town that used to laugh at walkers and joggers to a town where they are a constant presence- rain or shine. I now have a dog for company. Why can’t I get motivated? Why can’t I get past the fear of pain? I know that exercising can help get rid of so many of my problems and yet, just the thought cripples me. I think of the people I know who lost weight due to heart problems, the people who soldier on through chemo treatments, the people who have been through physical therapy to learn to move all over again. And then I feel ashamed of my weakness.
I need a partner. I have no problem doing anything – exercise, walking, dieting- with a partner. I’ve asked a few friends and it just hasn’t worked out. A gym is not an option.
How do I get motivated? I can think of a million reasons why I can’t exercise today. And I can also think of a million reasons why I should get off my ass. How do I get rid of this defeatist attitude?