Malaise (pronounced /məˈleɪz/, mal-aze) is a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness, an “out of sorts” feeling

It’s been four days since I wrote the previous post. At that time I was mid-sickness. Within another 24 hours, I was keeping food down, showering and feeling somewhat better. However, for the past few days I still have malaise. I want to clean house, really I do. I want to do the laundry, to cook dinner….I just sit here and think about it. It takes too much effort for me to actually do it. The thought of the steps involved exhaust me.

Hubs has been home most of the week. This doesn’t help matters. He wants me to sit with him, to watch a movie, to talk. It’s even to tiring to concentrate on that. I have convinced him to watch movies we’ve seen a hundred times. If I have to watch something new, I won’t be able to follow it.

Throw into this stew, preparations for Babygirl’s departure. We have to shop for her dorm, getting linens, dishes, storage supplies etc.  Not only that, but she needs her medical records sent out. She needs to see her doctors for eye exams, prescription renewals, and dental exams. She won’t be able to travel home every other week for checkups. Every one of these is just one more expense – co-pays – that comes out of pocket. Who makes appointments? Me. Who has to keep track of when she is working so that I can plan around those hours? Me. It’s bad during a good week. This week it is a mental nightmare for me.

But much like the nausea that still comes and goes, I will push it down. If I let it out, I’m afraid I’ll end up overwhelmed and when that happens, I’ll shut down.  Hubs is never good at this stuff. That’s why it is my job as wife and mother. It always has been. Babygirl has work, summer day trips with friends who will be left behind and with her brother and his family. Her stress and anxiety will increase as departure day approaches and I don’t want to put more on her plate.

But me? I’m still here with my malaise….

I can’t remember the last time I was sick.

I have had my back aching to the point of lying around on the couch for a day or two. But even that allows for getting up to use the bathroom, or eating snacks or watching movies.

I have had migraine headaches.  Again, I can use the bathroom, do laundry or at least talk to someone if I choose to.

I even had a touch of  ‘sun sickness’  after watching the soccer game in the near 100* heat, but that was an acceptable payoff for having a great time.

This weekend, I have been sick. I have tried to eat and I have paid a heavy price for it.  Vomiting is not the way I wanted to spend a weekend. I laid on the bed to take it easy and suddenly I wake up and it is dark outside. I’ve  slept…..hard.  I have decided to do a load of laundry and ended up soooo dizzy that I promptly lay back down, terrified that I would fall down the stairs, or hit my head on a wall on the way to the floor. I have tried to have a conversation, only to feel my stomach and throat clench in the anticipation of  ’outflow’. 

Hubs was sick too. He slept all day Saturday, went to work on Sunday morning and even though he was a little queasy, he ate and kept it down.

Me?  Today is day three and even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I will faint if I don’t lay back down soon. I talked to Babygirl and made a few quick phone calls but that is about all the talking I am going to do today.

If I am like this again tomorrow, I gotta call the doctor.  I wanna die……

I was just sitting here, bored, and wondering what I should post about. Well, I decided to give you all some little factoids from my former jobs…

I worked in a movie theater where roaches and mice were an every day occurence. (We shared a building with a bus terminal)  Those roaches showed up even during the day and they had wings!!  GAG!  The mice weren’t shy either. Since bug spray, rat traps or glue traps never seemed to deter them, I kept oven cleaner behind the counter. They didn’t like that stuff. My can sat within reach…along with a baseball bat to break the fingers of the asses who would try to reach over the counter when it got busy. I used the oven cleaner and the bat too many times to count. True story.

I worked in a little film developing place (Like a Fotomat) This was located in a hallway within the above mentioned bus terminal. One wall was made completely of glass and since the trolleys discharged passengers at the head of the hallway, all those people would look into the windows every day.  Some would stop to fix their hair or makeup in the one mirror that covered one of the pillars. They would adjust their boobs or balls as if no one could see them. I know exactly what a fish in a tank feels like. True story.

I worked in a deli where I had grown up buying candy. Since I knew the owner, after hours we’d stand in the parking lot shooting the breeze enjoying a soda for a bit. One night, while we discussed the progress of a new employee, he stood with his foot resting up on the bumper of his car. One of his fucking testicles dropped out of his shorts and just hung there. I tried so fucking hard to get out of that conversation so I could go home and bleach my poor eyes. True story.

I worked taking care of my friend Linda, who was paralyzed on one side of  her body, putting her to bed and dressing her in the morning. On the very first night that I was on my own, I dropped her, wedging her between the wall, bed and wheelchair. At first I apologized profusely. But then I realized that the sounds she was making wasn’t crying at all. She was laughing her ass off at my panic. I tried getting her off of the floor but was not having much success. I yelled “You told me you weighed 150 pounds!  You’re closer to 180!!  Heifer!”  At that, she laughed even harder and then so did I. When we calmed down, she revealed that her son was home, in his room in the basement and I could call him to pick her up.  I don’t know what I would have done if any of it had happened differently. True story.

During the preparations for Christmas, Hubs injured himself.

He is one of those manly men who doesn’t want me to help him carry the Christmas tree from the car to the house.  He carried bags of gifts into the house as well as all the groceries that were needed for the Christmas Eve party. He managed to feel a tweak in his groinal area, but never fear. He’ll go to the doctor “after the holidays-when he can afford to take time off”

And so he did. The doctor’s preliminary diagnosis was hernia, and Hubs should go see a surgeon and get that taken care of.  Never fear. He’ll get it taken care of  ”after a few of these jobs-when he can afford to take time off”

Before he could do that, the snows began to blanket the Northeast. Week after week it snowed and each time Hubs went outside to shovel the walk, the steps, the driveway. I followed behind him like some kind of yapping Chihuahua…”Stop! Take a rest! Let Son2 do this! Pay the kid next door!  You’re gonna hurt yourself!  You’re not young anymore!”  But, no. “People need generators. I need to take this work while we have it. Soon I’ll take time off”

No, he did not hurt himself further.  He didn’t hurt his back or his hernia.  He worked at the jobs and made people happy. And between the two of us, since the pain wasn’t there, we pushed it out of our minds.

Then came the graduation party.

He removed bushes and put in a garden. He carried folding tables and chairs. He put in a table leaf and got ice for the coolers.  I was the chihuahua once more. “Please let someone help you!”  “It’s easier to do it myself.  Never fear, I’m fine.”

And then, shortly into the party, he did it. He came to  me and said, “I need to take something and lay down. I won’t be able to stand much longer.”  And then, the hosting duties fell on my shoulders.  He spent the next couple of days lying around. We made a doctor’s appointment and I was satisfied…for a bit.

Then there were horrible storms in our area and suddenly people want generators.  (Generator installation is BIG money and will go a long way to holding us over those times when there is no work and the college tuition payments come due)  He still managed to take it easy and did alot of supervising. But there are still some things that cannot be left to my nephew alone. And so, he carefully did his job.

When he finally saw the doctor, we were surprised at his comments. It doesn’t look like a hernia at all.  It looks as if the muscle is detaching from the bone. This is soooo not good.  Yesterday Hubs got a CAT scan which made him horribly ill.  And now we are awaiting the results. 

Would it have made any difference if he had gone sooner? I don’t know. If it were hernia and it had gotten worse, I could say “I told you so”  but now….I just get to worry. I don’t know  of anyone who had this type of injury.  I don’t know how it is treated or how long recovery will be. I want him to get this taken care of right away, but if he does, he won’t be able to help Babygirl and I get ready for her to move into the dorms. I don’t like the not knowing. Looking things up online can be so confusing or misleading. The doctors are fond of saying “X number of weeks or rehab”  I prefer hearing someone who has been through it that says, “The doctor will say 8 weeks but it’s really more like 6″ Somehow, while it is still vague, it is more reassuring.

Never fear, whatever it is, I’ll let you know…..

Like many of you, I went to a party this weekend. Like many of those parties, this party involved a pool, a barbecue, drinks, food and friends. This party was different in only one way…

I knew when the invitation was given, that it would be attended by many women……many gay women. That’s not a big deal to me. I don’t tend to think of people like that. It’s none of my business and besides, people are people, y’know? I mention it only because of where this post is going.

I’ve been to other parties where I only know one or two people. There is usually that initial awkwardness, you know, the one in which you get a feel for the humor (or lack of). The one in which you get to know the boundaries, so that you don’t cross it….

I didn’t need to do that this time.

As soon as I got there, I felt as if I were a long lost friend. My friend Skittles and I were the only two straight women there. We tend to get carried away with our laughter and joking and I was a tad afraid of making an inappropriate joke. I was secretly counting on Skittles to keep me in check. But immediately upon our arrival, the laughs began and they never stopped.

The sun beat down on us and the pool was too inviting. A few girls went in and I joined them. If it were another party, I would have hemmed and hawed. I would have been self-conscious about my ‘bathing suit body’. Not here. If it were another party, I would have been on the look-out for the ‘judges’…..those women who, whether on purpose or not, judge the amount of skin that shows, making judgements that “she’s a whore” or “she’s a prude”. Those women who watch every person you talk to and make judgements that perhaps “she’s flirting with my man” when in reality you are discussing sports. Those women who mentally tally up how long you have known the hostess to assure themselves that they are “better friends” with her.

Like I said…if it were another party.

All of these things were a non-issue. They didn’t worry about their bodies and by extension, neither did I. We discussed all kinds of things. I spoke to the significant others and didn’t feel like I had to time the conversation out of fear of what their mate would think. We put sunscreen on each other. You know how touching a man always seem to skew into a ‘sexy touch’?  Not here. It was simply women making sure no one got sunburned.

I relaxed….truly relaxed. This was so incredibly different. Even with family, I am tense. I worry that I will say or do something to earn Mom’s disapproval, or I will hurt my sister’s feelings.  I feel the judgement – even after thirty years of marriage – of my sisters-in-law. Even with some friends, I feel like my house, hostess skills or cooking doesn’t measure up.

These women accepted me for who I am, and I felt the love.

And then I felt the heartache of knowing that they could be themselves…..but only among others of the same mindset. They discussed how hard it is to find a club that is ‘gay-friendly’. How hard it must be to have to plan a get-together based on where they will feel ‘welcomed’!   It made me sad to know that so many people will never know these wonderful, smart, funny women because they can’t set aside the issue of sexual orientation. It made me sad to know that they will go to other parties and be the ones who are judged.

Sooo…..long time, no blog…

What’s new? Well…..let’s see….The weather has been nice and I’ve taken advantage of it–throwing the windows open and enjoying the breeze that blows in. I love when my house smells like fresh air instead of ‘air conditioned’ and ‘febrezed’ air. I’ve enjoyed my morning coffee outside in the back yard with my dog. What else….?

That’s about it.

Tomorrow I am off for an overnight with the gals. We plan on swimming, cooking out, camping out, and hanging out. I need some girl time and Hubs needs some ‘stupid movie and naps’ time. Both of us are looking forward to the time apart, as well as the ‘reunion’ on Sunday evening!

I hope all of you enjoy the long weekend. Eat, drink, and make merry with your friends and families. Have fun at your barbecues, parades and fireworks.

And remember that little thing called Freedom……and thank your lucky stars and stripes that we have it!!