Well, I did it!  I took baby steps and managed to finish things up.  After trying to do a million things at once, I got overwhelmed and nearly got to the point of tears. Every room was torn up in some form and nothing seemed to be getting done. A friend called to remind me about “baby steps” and lemme tell ya, it is advice that I give out frequently and yet fail to take myself.

 I went room by room and just concentrated on that. Doing it that way made things easier, but it meant that the living room was a mess for three days. Last night, I finally got the last of the boxes put away, the floor was vacuumed and the cards and stockings were hung. When I stood back to look, I was amazed at how lovely it looked. I have kept my sofas uncovered for a change and I plan on leaving them that way for a while.

 Today I have baked…and baked…and baked. My nephew Ethan made a return visit with his mom and four siblings. (This is something that has never happened before at the holidays.) I’m sure that I will make this a tradition. Seeing the kids-not just family, but friends too- went a long way to getting my mood changed.

We baked, we laughed and they left. I shopped for the party with Hubs and gathered the last minute goodies. Babygirl and I wrapped all but three or four of the remaining presents. (Something else that is new for this year!)

And now, I sit with a drink, listening to some music before I head to bed. I’ll get up, straighten a few things, cook a few things and shower. At five, Hub’s family will converge on my house for food, gifts and lots of joy. I’ll see my side of the family on Saturday and perhaps spend Sunday in recovery.

To all of my friends…those who stop in now or even later…have the happiest of holidays. Even if there are presents lacking, find joy in being with your loved ones. Thank your God (or Goddess) for even the tiniest crumb that may be on your plates. Thank them….for there are many more without homes, food or families.

If we can make our way to a computer, if we can read, if we have ONE person to smile at….

We are fortunate.

I could…… tell you that I am hunky dory, full of life and joy and other such stuff and nonsense, but I would be full of shit.  I could….tell you that my house is the picture of holiday cheer, but again, I would be full of shit. I could….tell you about the wonderous anticipation I am feeling for the holidays……but there we have that shit again.

I do have lights up. I do have my tree up and before I go to bed tonight, Babygirl and I will have it adorned with ornaments full of memories.  I have started baking.  Just this past Saturday, I had Son1, Shenanigans and Jazz over here, along with Babygirl, my niece Alex and another friend and his son.  We made pizzelles, and chocolate chip cookies. It was day full of laughter and fun. I was very much full of spirit. When everyone left, Hubs and I ran out for a few gifts and then had drinks.

But I still feel like something is missing. I don’t know what it is.

It’s like eating an apple…a beautiful, ripe, red apple that fills my mouth with it’s sweet,  juicy goodness. As I crunch into it, I am happy……until I find a worm. No matter that I haven’t bitten said worm, it is there and the enjoyment of the apple is marred. Get it? That’s as close as I can get to describing the feeling.

I am very much “in the moment”. I am very happy when I’m with the family, with friends, shopping, baking, wrapping…. But when I am finished, when everyone leaves, when the paper and bows get put away, the feelings are similarly put away. Am I sad? No, not really. I’m not tired. I’m not sick.  I just…….am.

I hope I can rouse myself enough to post again BEFORE Christmas. I want everyone to have a wonderful holiday. I want you know how much I love you all. I don’t want this particular post to be the one that sits here through the weekend.

*sigh*

This weekend I did some shopping at the King of Prussia mall with Son1 and Shenanigans. I was there once upon a time…..like when it opened “the Court” section in 1981. Back then, I was the mom of one-year-old Son1 and I was relatively broke. I went with a girlfriend who tried to talk me into spending $25 for a pair of white cotton ‘granny panties’ that said “Bloomingdale’s”.  In all the interim years, the only thing that never changed about that mall was that it consisted of the higher end stores.

Flash forward to this Saturday.  It was obvious from the parking lot that things were very different from the mall less than a couple of miles away from my house. The parking lot was full of Volvos, BMW’s and Hummers. Groups of shoppers were leaving the mall laden with bags from Michael Kors, Coach, and Tiffany’s.  The girls headed into the malls wore their high heels and pricey boots. The guys were well-coifed and looked like ads from GQ Magazine. I felt out of place, even though I actually “dressed up” to go shopping!

The three of us had a great time. We window shopped, pointing out things for our “wish” lists. We imagined the ways that our homes would look if we could afford the things that were sold in some of the artsy stores. We stopped for lunch and ate Cajun food, something we talk about doing but never have the opportunity to do.  While we ate, we watched the people who walked by us. Not only were the stores, and prices ‘higher’, but the shoppers were…..I don’t know the exact word…..

Girls walked by looking down their noses at each other, they pulled merchandise from racks and shelves, and then threw them back with disdain, as though cashmere sweaters weren’t good enough to touch their skin. The guys were in two groups, the ones who absolutely loved shopping and knew where to go and what to buy and the ones who were only there to kill time. Little kids whined until they got whatever they wanted and the parents……

The parents all seemed like they were somewhere else mentally. It was like a ‘chore’ to be there. They were on their phones arguing about whether to get the kids what they wanted or to get them what they needed to go on vacation. Some argued with their kids “No, they only have that bag in brown……But it’s not in black…..What do you want to do?….Fine, then ask your father to take you….I don’t care really….Don’t come home, it’s his night….”

The lights were bright and twinkling. The music wasn’t too loud but it was quite festive. Babies sat on Santa’s lap.

If I could ignore everyone except Son1 and Shenanigans, I could be in the holiday spirit. If I let the others in, I could be depressed by the lack of …. would it be ‘lack of humanity’?  a ‘lack of joy’?  a ‘lack of family warmth’?  People pushed by us without a single “Excuse me” It was normal to hear “Tsk!” , followed by the loud-whisper “OMG, did you see that? How rude!”

I ignored the outside world. I enjoyed my day with Son1 and Shenanigan. I am going shopping tomorrow with an old friend. We’ll be going to a different mall. I am curious to see if this is normal behavior this year, or if this weekend’s adventure was an anomaly.  I hope that people aren’t so indifferent this season…….

For the first time in my thirty years of marriage, I have new bedroom furniture. When we got married, we bought a new bed, but the bureau was Hub’s while he grew up. From friends and family, we got bits and pieces here and there through the years. We always figured that there was a need for the money elsewhere, and as long as our clothes were put away, it was all good.

There was a local furniture store going out of business and I watched as the prices got slashed for clearance. All I wanted was a chair for the living room. Hubs has been asking for a recliner for years and since we had some “found” money, I suggested we go there and see if there was anything worth buying left on the showroom floor.

We strolled around the store and were surprised to see so many full living room sets. But upstairs held the treasures that I wanted to see…..bedroom sets and recliners!

We checked everything out and were stunned to see that full bedroom sets were far cheaper than we had anticipated. Before I knew it, Hubs had abandoned the search for a chair and was instead looking at the sets.  One by one was ruled out until finally, we had decided between two. The saleslady came to us with numbers and we asked for the best she could do. After consulting with the manager (of course. They are like car salesmen with that ploy…) She came back with a “good” price but we offered her a thousand less. AND THEY ACCEPTED IT!  With a bargain like that, we decided to buy a bigger mattress and box spring too!

And so, I got a new cherry wood bedroom set for Christmas.

 I also have new drapes. They are the same deep shade of red as the pillow cases. I love them. It makes my room feel warm, which it really needed, considering that the walls were white. (I will be painting them beige after Christmas)  Hubs and I were excited that the drapes made the room very dark and cave-like in the middle of the afternoon. This is important to Hubs, especially when he works on night jobs or emergency calls and then needs to make up his sleep during the day. It’s also important to me when I have a migraine and I try to lie in the dark.

There is a drawback that is really hard for me to deal with. It is so dark that my internal clock is out of whack. I have a very hard time waking up in the morning. It is far too easy for me to roll over and go back to sleep. Unless I have something important to do, I lie there and watch tv or play on the laptop.

Ah, the life of leisure is a bitch.

**PS  I still need a recliner!!