Monday December 20th 2010, 7:35 PM
Filed under: desire,holiday,ineptitude,other shit

I Could…

I could…… tell you that I am hunky dory, full of life and joy and other such stuff and nonsense, but I would be full of shit.  I could….tell you that my house is the picture of holiday cheer, but again, I would be full of shit. I could….tell you about the wonderous anticipation I am feeling for the holidays……but there we have that shit again.

I do have lights up. I do have my tree up and before I go to bed tonight, Babygirl and I will have it adorned with ornaments full of memories.  I have started baking.  Just this past Saturday, I had Son1, Shenanigans and Jazz over here, along with Babygirl, my niece Alex and another friend and his son.  We made pizzelles, and chocolate chip cookies. It was day full of laughter and fun. I was very much full of spirit. When everyone left, Hubs and I ran out for a few gifts and then had drinks.

But I still feel like something is missing. I don’t know what it is.

It’s like eating an apple…a beautiful, ripe, red apple that fills my mouth with it’s sweet,  juicy goodness. As I crunch into it, I am happy……until I find a worm. No matter that I haven’t bitten said worm, it is there and the enjoyment of the apple is marred. Get it? That’s as close as I can get to describing the feeling.

I am very much “in the moment”. I am very happy when I’m with the family, with friends, shopping, baking, wrapping…. But when I am finished, when everyone leaves, when the paper and bows get put away, the feelings are similarly put away. Am I sad? No, not really. I’m not tired. I’m not sick.  I just…….am.

I hope I can rouse myself enough to post again BEFORE Christmas. I want everyone to have a wonderful holiday. I want you know how much I love you all. I don’t want this particular post to be the one that sits here through the weekend.



  1. Megan said:

    on December 20, 2010 at 8:25 PM

    This is such a wonky time of year. Try to fake it ’til you feel it. It’ll come back.

    I love you too. xo
    Megan´s last blog post ..Imperfect

  2. Metalmom said:

    on December 20, 2010 at 9:01 PM

    Megan-That is what I find myself doing. I sincerely feel happy and full of holiday spirit while I am busy with the tasks. I knew you would ‘get it’. :*

  3. Fantastagirl said:

    on December 20, 2010 at 9:28 PM

    Megan is right – fake it ’til you feel it. It will happen.

    I hope you have a wonderful Holiday, many hugs!

  4. bubblewench said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 6:57 AM

    Oh you. ::HUGS:: Love ya! You are going to have an amazing Christmas and Awesome New Year! I KNOW!
    bubblewench´s last blog post ..Breathing again

  5. Grant said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 9:22 AM

    I say you go the opposite direction and ruin everyone else’s xmas by being a psychotic bitch drama queen. Get drunk by 9 am, run outside and throw rocks at the clouds and scream at them for following you, decorate the tree with kerosene and fire, scream at your husband and children for ruining your vagina, call 911 and report a bandit, and then throw a fit when the police arrive to arrest your dog. End that by curling up in the corner with a candy cane and sobbing that you never realized your dreams of being a duck. My way will be much more memorable. Post pics.
    Grant´s last blog post ..What I Have Done

  6. Sybil Law said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    My Christmases will never be complete until someone gets me Dave Grohl.
    Anyway, I know what you mean. I’ve spent the whole day running around and GAH. I’m not in a BAD mood – this year is just… meh.
    Love you!!
    Sybil Law´s last blog post ..Twofer!

  7. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 2:18 PM

    Fantastagirl-Thanks for that. Every little hug helps. :)

  8. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 2:20 PM

    bubblewench-YOU are awesome. I hope the new year brings that road trip!! I NEED ONE!!

  9. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    Grant-Five of those suggestions are already implemented, believe me! Your scenario gave me visions of something….and it wasn’t sugar plums! :))

  10. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    SybilLaw-“Meh” is exactly the word. In the last two days, I’ve done sooooo much and it feels like nothing. Whattayagonnado?

  11. teri said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 3:26 PM

    I love Christmas but I always feel that the time goes too fast, there is no Christmas magic like when we were kids and the let down of after the holidays is strong, as well.

    It’s almost like if I could bottle all the happy feelings, etc. that might fill me up and I wouldn’t feel that something was missing, as well.

    I hope you fill that feeling with whatever is missing. Have a great time with Baby Girl and all the kids.
    teri´s last blog post ..Bad body image

  12. Tug said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 8:21 PM

    We all have our moments like this, especially as the kids get older. You’ll get there, and no doubt have a Merry Merry once you’re all together enjoying it!
    Tug´s last blog post ..Merry merry Happy!

  13. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 9:03 PM

    teri-I think all of the ‘wonder’ is ruined by the merchandising that starts as soon as school does. I think we all get tired of the holidays long before Thanksgiving and it’s hard to muster up the joy again.

  14. Metalmom said:

    on December 21, 2010 at 9:04 PM

    Tug-I hope so. I enjoy the family time and especially being the hostess. The kids like my parties the best because I’m not afraid to let them put tinsel on my tree or play with legos and play-doh when they are here! ;)

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