I continue to surprise myself  every day.

My energy and back continue to improve. I exercise more and I am still careful not to overdo things. But certain things are getting obvious, even to my guys. They have noticed that the floors get vacuumed, the laundry gets done every day and even the bathrooms are getting done more frequently. It has been a long time since more than one of those things gets done in one day. I like the way it feels.

I have started to turn off the tv and the laptop for a few hours just so that I can enjoy the quiet. Sometimes I’m playing with the dog, or doing a crossword puzzle or I am reading. Even though  I accomplish nothing during this time, I feel like I am recharging my batteries. I like the way that that feels too.

On Monday, I got together with my friend Skittles and her daughter. I brought along Jazzy and we went bowling. The agreement was that if it was too much for my back, Skittles and I would sit back and chat while the girls bowled. Well I managed to bowl an entire game with no problems whatsoever! I was shocked and amazed. I was sure that I would wake up achy the next day, but it never happened. I am still not losing the weight, but the effects of exercise is appearing in lost inches and more mobility.

I am happy. I am content.

I like the way it feels.

Where to start? I’ll go back to the beginning……No. that would take too long….

D is doing well, and Son2 and his friends are all standing firm for him. So far, so good, and things seem to be on the upswing for him.

As for my bad blogging habits….I am quite prolific. I have seven or eight posts written every night before I finally fall asleep. The problem is, they are written in my head as I nod off. If I got out of bed or tried to write them down, I would most certainly wake myself up and have to start all over again. And so, my friends, you are missing out on some awesome insights, hilarious anecdotes, and heart-warming stories of my life. But don’t despair! This is all very good from my perspective. This means that I am sleeping at night. As for the daytime, my back is free from pain for the first time in a long while. I am moving around and catching up on all the odd jobs that I let pile up for the past year or so. (No, I’m not overdoing!)

Not only am I moving, I am moving. I am still exercising on the treadmill every other day. On the days in between, I manage to do a bit of actual exercise. And one day, I walked down the street with the dog and in a moment of  ‘what the hell’  I ran-yes, ran- half the block on the return trip. I didn’t get winded, but I did work the muscles. I used to run track a long, long time ago and it felt really good to do that again. I have tried to include running in some form, outside or in on the treadmill.

What else? Hmmm…..let’s see….

Oh yes. My 49th birthday just passed. Babygirl came home for the weekend and I went out for dinner with all of my kids. Son2 and his girlfriend gave me tickets to the season opener of the Philadelphia Union in March. I am very psyched for it. Son1 and his girl Shenanigan also gave me a gift.

Metalmom will be METALGRANDMOM sometime in October. After all the time they spent trying, they finally got it right. Son1 is already a good dad to Jazzy so I know that he will be a superduper dad to his own kid. He is very excited and hoping for a boy, so….fingers crossed!!! This is a ‘facebook secret’ until they can tell the rest of the family, so NO BLABBING!!

So, don’t worry if I’m not here for a day or a week. Know that things are good and I am slowly but surely returning to the woman that I used to be. It has been a long time since I have done many things and so I am doing them now, while I have the incentive and energy. I’m sure I’ll slow down soon enough and return to commenting on your blogs. Just know that I am still reading them and keeping up with you.

I love and miss you all…….

“MOM! Oh, Jesus! MOM! “

My son’s voice sent chills down my spine. The last time I heard him sound like that, his best friend’s brother had died.  His footstep running down the stairs accompanied his voice. “What’s wrong?”, I asked.

“Mom, D is using heroin. Oh my God, Mom! What the fuck is wrong with him? Why that?”

Heroin is what killed his friend’s brother. I made him sit and tell me what was going on. My heart broke with every word my son told me. More than the words, the disappointment and grief on Son2′s face was like a knife in my gut.

Roughly five years ago, we all would have worried about M. His mother and two older brothers were users. M would disappear with his girlfriend, a well-known user. None of his friends liked the girl and Son2 was the happiest when he found out that M was finished with her. M gave up smoking pot and now all he does is occasionally drink. He is dating a model and is working and happy and far away from the nasty scene. Unfortunately, ‘the girl’ moved on to D. Knowing how his friends felt about her, he kept their relationship a secret.

On the surface, things were going great with D. He bought a house with his brother and commenced fixing it up. He has a great job and a hot car and according to him, ‘the girl’ had cleaned up her act and only weeks ago, revealed that she was expecting. Lately however, it has come to light that he hasn’t been to work. ‘The girl’ inherited $80,000 and they were binging. One of their friends stayed with them for a few days and learned that the mortgage hadn’t been paid on the house. He found out that D was using, and spent the mortgage money.

This morning, he called their circle of friends.

These young men have stiffened their spines. They rallied around D, and told him to get clean. D, relieved that his secret is out, agreed. They called three rehab hospitals and were told that they weren’t taking in new patients today because of the Super Bowl. What kind of bullshit is that?? Seriously?   My son has a friend who works in such a place and managed to have some strings pulled. He called out of work to be there.

It is Super Bowl Sunday. These guys should be drinking beer and eating pizza and wings. They shouldn’t be committing their friend to a hospital. They shouldn’t be breaking news like this to a mother, that her son is going away for a while. They shouldn’t be telling a friend that his brother has put their home and his credit in jeopardy. They shouldn’t be throwing a friend’s girlfriend out of the house.

They should be laughing and high-fiving.

Not hugging and crying.

** D is admitted to a rehab for 3-10 days of ‘assisted detox’. After that, he will be part of  inpatient treatment for 30 days. It was shocking to hear that ‘the girl’ lost the baby on Saturday, and more shocking that she lost it again on Monday. The guys are exhausted but have committed themselves to taking turns being there for his family and helping his brother to take care of the house before things get worse. Though it has been only 48 hours since the first sentence, locks have been changed, D’s job is secure and insurance is taken care of. I can’t tell you all how proud I am of these guys  for pulling together like this. They’ve been together since diapers and this is what family is about. Send some prayers their way. ~MM

 Part 1-My cousin has passed.

Last year, on Christmas night, my mother thought it might be a good time to pass along a “tidbit of news” that she had been sitting on for a couple of weeks–my cousin Jennifer was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I was full of anger at my mother for holding back and most especially her attitude of  “Oh, by the way…”  Well she did it yet again. Last Tuesday night, my dad called me to give me details of the funeral and viewing. He was surprised that I hadn’t known. Jen had been on hospice care for two weeks, and had finally passed on Saturday night….three days earlier. Now it was my father’s turn to be annoyed at her. Why she does it, I don’t know.

Anyway, Jen put up a valiant fight. She was the mother of two kids, 6 and 3. The memorial pictures show her smile radiating from her diminishing frame in photo after photo as she cataloged the holidays: dying Easter Eggs, barbecuing, sitting on the beach, carving pumpkins and decorating trees. As the photos passed, you could see the toll it took. You could see the weight loss, the dark circles, and the sadness-not only in her eyes, but also on the body of her husband. Chris and Jen refused help from family until very close to the end, choosing instead to cherish every wail, diaper, tantrum and tear as long as possible.

Jen was the youngest of our cousins. As her brother sobbed into my shoulder, it shouldn’t have happened that way. She was the baby.  Our grief is nearly tangible.

Jen would have been 40 on March 14.  We’ll miss her terribly.

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Part 2-Losses in My Circle

There are other losses. Last week, my friend Annette lost her mother. She had moved in with her during the final weeks and therefore she was the one to find her mother. I can’t imagine such grief. She is one of my grade school friends, and so, when the news went out, our little circle arranged that we would go to the funeral and pay our respects. Weather was a huge obstacle to some, work was an obstacle for others, but three of us made it. As we greeted Annette, her sister and brother and kids seemed surprised that anyone showed up for her. Apparently, she lost many of her friends in her divorce. She cried and clung to us. When I spoke to her a few days later, she cried again. It had meant the world to her. What my friends and I had deemed an act of respect turned out to be a deeply appreciated act of love. I’m so glad that I went.

Annette isn’t the only one having a rough time. My girl Dawn is a hospice nurse and at this time, she is caring for her next door neighbor’s son….a 21 year old young man who is dying from brain cancer. This is a huge sadness for Dawn, and as such, she asked us for prayers (which we say for her every day) Last week, she ran across the yard to the neighbor’s home and didn’t fully latch her gate. Her beloved dog, Lady got out of the yard. Dawn had to go searching for her and discovered that she had been killed by a truck. As a single woman, Lady was like a child to Dawn. She sent out emails to us to inform us of her loss and once again, we circled the wagons.

I can’t wait for things to change. Even though many of these things aren’t happening directly to me, I feel them in my heart keenly. This is why I haven’t been here. I hardly have a chance to catch my breath before my phone rings with the next onslaught.

This morning something else has come along and I am not ready to share yet. Just please…..send some strength to a group of young men who need prayers right now.