Boredom has butted it’s big head where it isn’t wanted.

The house is clean. I have nose prints on my front window and dog ‘eye boogers’ on the inside of the drapes where the boys push them aside to look outside. I could wash them but it is a bigger job than I care to under take at 5pm on a Saturday. I have things that need dusting in the den, but again, its a big job.

Son2 and his girl have gone off to the Union game. It’s a beautiful evening and they will be tailgating and enjoying the excitement that comes with any sporting event.

Babygirl has left for work. She won’t be here until my bedtime. Sometimes she simply goes from work to her boyfriend’s house and I’ll see her in the morning.

Hubs is content to watch tv for hours on end, only to break things up by snacking, smoking or taking the dogs out front to play while he smokes.

Me? This is it. I’m not in the mood to read. No one seems to be hanging out online. My friends are busy running their kids to softball, birthday parties, or doing their own chores and hanging with their own families.

Days like these make me crazy. I have walked on the treadmill, cleaned the house and done laundry. The dogs don’t want to go outside with me. I called my mom but she has company and can’t stay on the phone.

What do people do when they hit this wall? If I drove, I might do some window shopping myself. But still, I’ve never been one to enjoy shopping even when I do have money to spend.

*Sigh*

My mind even goes blank when I try to think of anything.

Boredom is not my friend.

I have  a new doctor. Actually it is a practice of four and I can choose to stick with one or see whoever is on call. I am sticking with Dr R.

I went to see him in February and he treated me for a sinus infection that I didn’t even know I had. He told me to have some blood work done for my thyroid and liver and come back in a few months. Well, the blood work that should have been done in March was just accomplished two days ago. Since Babygirl needed a physical, I went in too.

First, he scolded me for waiting. I should know better! I’m a grown-ass woman after all! And he told me exactly WHY I need the blood work. Well, I knew why I needed it, I just didn’t know what would happen without it. (Medications could be ‘too much’ or ‘too little’) Now I could scold myself and I did-internally.

Then, he said “You need to lose 20 pounds”

I know this. I have tried, albeit half-heartedly, for a while. I exercise for a few days, start aching and quit. Or the weather is too hot, too cold, too wet, too whatever and I quit. Or I get busy with projects and I skip a day or two or three and I quit. My old doctor used to tell me I needed to ‘exercise more’  or that I needed to ‘watch my diet’.  Those are vague things to me. But being told “You need to lose 20 pounds” is pretty specific. I found myself listening. Not hearing….but LISTENING. I am of  ’a certain age’. I am ‘post menopausal’. My body is different now. I ‘need to act now.’

“Walk 15 minutes in any direction and then turn around and go home. You can do that, can’t you?”

Well, yes, but….

“You have two dogs to walk. You don’t have to run or power walk. Just walk. Doable?”

Yes…..

“You need to cut the carbs – not OUT of your diet, just cut back. Instead of a sandwich with two sides, eat one with an open face. Stick with a baked potato. You don’t need butter or sour cream. Try salsa, or some broccoli and a little bit of cheese. Enjoy an egg or two a week for breakfast. Just skip the sausage or bacon or switch to turkey. You can do that can’t you?”

Um, yeah…..

“Okay then. I’ll see you in a couple of months.”

I walked out of the office feeling like an ass. I have never been given such tiny little things to work on. I am a douche if I can’t manage those tiny little changes. Whenever I left the old doc’s office, I would leave crestfallen at the thought of ‘exercise’. He would suggest joining a gym or pool to do ‘workouts’. They were never an option for me. Dr R never mentioned either to me. He didn’t give me a ‘low fat’,  ’no carb’, or ‘diet regimen’. Just a few changes that were within the realm of possibility without buying special foods that were separate from what I would buy my whole family.

Now I feel like I have been dared. As if he has said “I DARE YOU TO COME BACK HERE WITHOUT AT LEAST TWO POUNDS GONE.”  The gauntlet has been thrown.

No one dares me, motherfucker.

Thinking of you Dawg. Your friends haven’t forgotten……

I want to say a few things so here we go with a new vintage of whine…

The charger to my laptop has given up the ghost. I am hoping that the cost to replace it is covered under my insurance with Best Buy. Now I know that more than a few of my friends have issues with them, but I have always gotten good results-once I get past the long wait in line or the time it takes to get my stuff back. Lucky for me, the charger that Babygirl uses also works on my laptop, so I will use that, for now, but will also cut back  on my use. What will I do with myself?

The weather has been great and I really want to take down my curtains and wash them or sort through boxes in the basement. I wanted to wait until Babygirl was home from college to help me but to tell you the truth part of me wants to see her relax or earn money for school. Part of me is afraid of hurting my back and the biggest part of me is lazy.

I’m going to the shore with Hubs this weekend. His high school is having a gathering near where we vacation and so we will drop in there. We have taken overnight trips here or there. Most are only that-overnight-but a few have been two. This one is Friday to Monday. FOUR DAYS! I am so excited to be away from our computers, cell phones and cable tv. I used to worry about my kids when I went away, but now I worry that the dogs won’t poop for them. (Bandit avoids it) Now I’ll worry that Mordecai will eat all of Bandit’s food when he’s not looking. Damn ‘kids’……

Started shopping for my future grandSON. He already has some Philadelphia Union gear.(YAY) I am also looking at shower gifts. When did kid stuff get to be so fucking expensive? It’s a racket. The gear for humans that will barely have time to wear/use/fit in is atrociously costly. $500 and up for a crib? $300+ for a car seat that they will use for little more than a year? Holy shit!

And so, that is my wildly exciting life. What have you been up to?

I smell them….On your clothes, on your hair, in your office. It follows you. It is part of the smell that is ‘you’. Even after your shower, I smell it from your pores.

I taste them….As you kiss me, I taste them. Even after the mouthwash, it comes from your lungs. Your kisses have always tasted this way. I wonder if I would miss it if you quit.

I will admit, that even after considering myself  ’quit’, I have smoked….when drinking. Not with family…not that. But with friends. And I will return home and not want one. Not a single one. No matter what I am doing or not doing, I have no desire…..

Some days….

I see your pack lying on your desk….open. You smoke so much and I wonder if you would miss one, or two, or four, if I took them to smoke at my leisure. I can see myself sneaking one when I go downstairs to do laundry. The basement is primarily my domain. Would you know? Would you taste them on my kisses? Would you smell it on my hair? My clothes?

I spend my days alone. Would you know if I walked to the store and bought an entire pack? Would you pop in suddenly while in the area and smell the lingering smoke I sneaked when I was in the bathroom? Would you notice more butts in your ashtray? The ones I smoked while I had my morning coffee?

This hasn’t happened.

It could. I know it could happen very easily. Is this how an alcoholic feels when they are ‘on the wagon’? Is this how every addict feels? Sometimes I want a cigarette so fucking bad. I want to feel that first fresh inhale. I want to feel that last drag burn my lip. I know I’ll hate the aftertaste. I’ll hate the smell. I’ll hate knowing that my shampoo isn’t what will make my hair fragrant.

But sometimes…..just sometimes…..I want it so bad…..

Summer isn’t even official yet and already I am dealing with frizzy hair (from the humidity), underboob sweat (from the humidity) and lack of momentum ( from the humidity).

I have planted flowers in my garden. I have trained the dogs not to bark at every damned thing. I’ve done lunch with some friends and breakfast with another.

I have also fucked up.

Babygirl needed to pay $22 for a hole in her dorm screen – which wasn’t her fault and which was reported for repair repeatedly. I know we could have fought it, but it was worth the money to make it just go away. And so I wrote the check, dutifully put it into an envelope and stamped it. Hubs took it to the post office.

Yesterday, Babygirl got an email stating that they got a copy of the work order in the unsealed envelope with no check.

I have been wracking my brain trying to remember if I sealed the envelope. No, this isn’t something that I automatically do. I gag something awful if I have to lick an envelope. I know that I could have dampened a sponge or napkin to do it. I’m fucking lazy. Sue me.  Normally, I hand it to Hubs and say “It’s ready to go, just seal it”  Normally, Hubs double checks to see if it needs sealing. Did we both fuck up? It’s possible. So we aren’t placing blame, although I have a sinking feeling it was me.

I called the bank, mainly to put a “stop check”, but was informed that I need to close the account and reopen another and start all over.

Fuck my life.

Due to the glorious advances of modern technology, it is super-duper easy to print checks using a laser printer. They have my address which was printed on the check.  They have my signature, because I signed the check. So, sometime today, I need to go to the bank – with Hubs – to do this shit. We will get a new account, new checks, and new ATM cards. I’m sure there will be new charges for this.

All because someone didn’t lick it.