Tuesday June 14th 2011, 10:55 AM
Filed under: lessons,other shit,questions


Some Days

I smell them….On your clothes, on your hair, in your office. It follows you. It is part of the smell that is ‘you’. Even after your shower, I smell it from your pores.

I taste them….As you kiss me, I taste them. Even after the mouthwash, it comes from your lungs. Your kisses have always tasted this way. I wonder if I would miss it if you quit.

I will admit, that even after considering myself  ‘quit’, I have smoked….when drinking. Not with family…not that. But with friends. And I will return home and not want one. Not a single one. No matter what I am doing or not doing, I have no desire…..

Some days….

I see your pack lying on your desk….open. You smoke so much and I wonder if you would miss one, or two, or four, if I took them to smoke at my leisure. I can see myself sneaking one when I go downstairs to do laundry. The basement is primarily my domain. Would you know? Would you taste them on my kisses? Would you smell it on my hair? My clothes?

I spend my days alone. Would you know if I walked to the store and bought an entire pack? Would you pop in suddenly while in the area and smell the lingering smoke I sneaked when I was in the bathroom? Would you notice more butts in your ashtray? The ones I smoked while I had my morning coffee?

This hasn’t happened.

It could. I know it could happen very easily. Is this how an alcoholic feels when they are ‘on the wagon’? Is this how every addict feels? Sometimes I want a cigarette so fucking bad. I want to feel that first fresh inhale. I want to feel that last drag burn my lip. I know I’ll hate the aftertaste. I’ll hate the smell. I’ll hate knowing that my shampoo isn’t what will make my hair fragrant.

But sometimes…..just sometimes…..I want it so bad…..




10 Comments »

  1. Lynda said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 11:20 AM

    My dad is an ex-smoker, over 30 years. He said even 5 years after he quit, he was dreaming of having a cigarette.

    Hang in there! =:)

  2. Metalmom said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    Lynda- It is six years this August and like I said, the desire just washes over me. I get past it but it’s not like the when I first quit. Those lasted a minute or two. This will last an hour and then *poof*. Gone for months (or years)

  3. Sybil Law said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    I wouldn’t know. I’d really like to get the Chantix stuff, though.
    Sybil Law´s last blog post ..So

  4. Metalmom said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 1:28 PM

    SybilLaw-I’ve heard that Chantix works….while you take it. I used the patch and it worked. But man, I love a smoke when I’m drinking….you well know.

  5. Megan said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 3:39 PM

    Oh, I hear you. I only smoke socially now, which I still love. But otherwise I can’t stand smelling that way, etc.

    I still don’t know how you do it with him still smoking. I don’t think I could.
    Megan´s last blog post ..Abstraction Redux

  6. Megan said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 3:40 PM

    Oh, and, by the way, this was a beautifully written piece.
    Megan´s last blog post ..Abstraction Redux

  7. cathy said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 5:34 PM

    I have been quit since Feb 13th of this year. I did it with Chantix (Champix in Canada). It worked I smoked for 35 years and I couldn’t believe how easy it was…BUT I only took it for 8 weeks, been off Champix for 8 weeks and I have to say this month was the hardest. For some reason it was all I could think of leading up to ‘that’ time of the month. It works but the psychological part of it cannot be controlled by any drug. It works to control the withdrawal and cravings but does nothing to control the thought processes of missing it. That I’m gonna have to work through on my own.

    I have a brand new granddaughter just born to look forward to seeing grow up, that’s incentive enough for me to steer clear.

    I don’t know how you did it with your hubby still smoking, can’t even imagine how much harder it had to have been. The temptation would be far to great for me. I either smoke or I don’t, there is no such thing as social smoking for me or I’d be right back into it.

    All this rambling just to say I hear ya cos while I have days where I crave it big time, that craving goes away quickly and I’m fine again.

    Guess seeing someone else going through the same thing over the smokes struck a nerve with me today.
    cathy´s last blog post ..Mungo Jerry – In the Summertime

  8. Robin said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    I didn’t know you quit, I have so much faith in you it’s overflowing.
    Robin´s last blog post ..Meet My Spirit Animal

  9. Metalmom said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    cathy-Not only does my husband smoke but also my 25 yo son who lives at home. I took up needlepoint to keep the fingers busy. Hubs keeps his smoking confined to the den which is his office or else he takes it outside. My son stays in his room. (Thank God I don’t clean it.He does a very good job of it) I quit during a vacation to a place where smoking was taboo indoors and out (a condo) It was easy that week, but at home? UGH! Patch city! And yeah the cravings are surprising when they appear and horribly strong but thank God they are few and far between these days. Good luck to you and Congrats on the beautiful baby (I looked!)

  10. Metalmom said:

    on June 14, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    Robin-It was hella hard and your faith in me is appreciated. Love you,girl!

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