Seven years. Two kids. Wonderful husband. Then why am I here?
These thoughts swirled in my head as I sat in my car parked across the street from the hotel. Round and round they went on a loop. I truly love my husband. I don’t want to jeopardize this. My kids…oh God, my kids. I love them fiercely.
I feel like a shadow of myself. I clean my house, wipe snot off the kids, cook for them all. My husband thanks me and never fails to kiss me goodbye or say “I love you” when he leaves the house. But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t see me. As if we are going through the motions.
The red car pulls up and he moves easily to the hotel door. As he unlocks the door, I watch. He is beautiful. My heart skips a beat and I feel a flush of desire infuse me. He looks into my eyes when we speak. He laughs at my jokes. He tells me that I make a difference in his day. I miss that with my husband.
I start the car and the radio is playing Bruce Springsteen…”Hey little girl is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone? Ooooh I’m on fire…”
I park my car next to his and look into the mirror. I run my fingers through my hair, touch up my lipstick. I join him in the room.
He kisses me. Possesses me. His tongue devours mine, greedily. His hands, ever gentle, leave a trail of fire on my skin. He removes my clothes and his own and then….Oh God…and then….
I feel strange in my own skin. I allow things that I would normally shy from. I am wanton in my desires. All thoughts of family and spouse are gone. I am needed, I am wanted, I am the only thing in this man’s universe…for now. He is the only thing in my world….at this moment.
I must leave. The kids will be home from school soon.
I feel dirty, used. What happened to the feelings of ‘worth’? I feel guilty and tell him so. This won’t happen, CAN’T happen again. I love and need my family more.
I close the room door and wipe the tears of shame from my eyes.
I start the car to leave and the radio is playing “Careless Whisper” by Wham!
“I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I’d been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you”
I drive through the traffic, to return to my life, my home….