Wednesday February 01st 2012, 10:48 AM
Filed under: Anger,family,Grief,happy,Hubs,kids,lessons,love

From the Depths of My Sadness…..

I haven’t stopped in for a while and there are very good reasons for this.

First off, when Mom-Mom died, it hit me very hard. Upon the phone call, I promptly got a migraine that didn’t let up until I saw her body. I wasn’t sleeping very well at all and even my sleep aids weren’t working. I was depressed, tired and very, very testy. To top it off, the funeral coincided with a dental appointment that Hubs had been waiting for since New Years. He had all but two teeth pulled and this was the day that he was going to be molded for his new plates. Now, I understand that he hasn’t eaten well and he must be starved constantly.  I understand that even after this molding, there was more to be done. But this wasn’t about him. I was hurt and felt betrayed. I stood by him through the loss of both his parents and his grandparents, as well as cousins and friends. I have been blessed to have lost very few of my own dear ones. I needed him now. Finally, all the emotional and physical pain came to a climax and I let him have it. I also cried like I haven’t in a long, long time. He got the point quickly and stepped up. He was like a body guard, not letting issues or people touch me unless I invited them in. I still walked in a daze. I missed my daughter terribly. I cried while folding laundry. I couldn’t even call my best friend to tell her what I was dealing with. I began to scare myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shattered.

At the funeral, as I saw Mom-Mom in her casket, I realized that it wasn’t her. She was tiny, frail. The woman of my memories was robust, a force of nature. Even in her old age, she was the same. It was just in the last few months that she began to waste away. I said goodbye and tucked a letter under her blanket. I turned away and never looked back. The pain in my head disappeared and I suddenly felt so tired. My entire body relaxed and I  knew it was the stress and grief that had piled on me. I believe she took it away and told me not to look back.

And from the depths of my soul, the grief was lifted. It was to be replaced with joys uncounted.

My son had brought Logan with him to the funeral at my father’s request. The child came into the church and every tear was replaced with such joy! He smiled at everyone. He was held by one great aunt after another. My own cousins gathered around laughing that I had joined the ranks of  ‘grandparent’ (only one other out of 27 is a grandparent) Dad had had the best idea by asking for the baby to attend. It was brilliance. The child fussed a tiny bit after an hour and was ready to be fed. My son did that and he was out for a nap.  This was an opportunity to watch my son fully in the Dad-mode. Shenanigans had to work and he was on his own. I was so proud.

I got home from a long, exhausting day and went to bed at 7:30. I woke up at noon the next day.

In this past week, I have been flooded with only good, long lost memories of my grandmother. It makes me smile. I watched Logan Friday and Saturday. They came for dinner on Sunday. I watched Logan again yesterday. Lemme tell ya, a good baby is the best medicine for an aching psyche. I have laughed, and danced my days away. I got together with my best friend and we went shoe shopping. I put on a fun pair of plaid flats….not something that I would normally wear. I ran up and down the aisle of the store laughing. I decided not to spend the money, but she insisted on buying them for me,  stating “Chrissy, if they can make you that happy, it would be a sin to deny it”.
She was ri– , ri—……..correct.

So…..after the upheaval and neglect, I expect to spend the day with my doggy boys, bathing and brushing them. I plan on catching up with laundry and finally COOKING!

Life goes on……..


  1. teri tighe said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 11:18 AM

    I’m glad you made it through. The only thing we can do is feel the pain and anguish and tell others how we feel. I’m glad you got to say your goodbye’s (for now) and move on and I’m glad the baby was a very good diversion.

    I really am amazed how death can suck the life out of us because of our love for them.

    Keep looking forward…

  2. Sybil Law said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 11:41 AM

    Life does go on, and I’m glad you’re out of the darkness.
    Those shoes are pretty cool!

  3. Megan said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    Grief is a process… I’m glad you’re rounding the bend. xo

  4. cathy said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    Im so sorry to hear about your grandmother passing away, and I’m glad you’ve turned the corner now.

    The first time I saw you use the tetm “mom-mom” in regards to Logan I thought it was interesting and mentioned it to Jenn. Not realising it was a family thing. What an honour it is for you to continue the tradition and be the kind of “mom-mom” to Logan that your mom-mom was to you.

  5. Metalmom said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    Teri -‘death can suck the life out of us’. That is exactly right. I don’t think I’ve ever been so blindsided by grief. I knew it was coming and still…..I was sucked into the sadness and honestly Teri, I didn’t like where my soul went.

  6. Metalmom said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 4:33 PM

    SybilLaw- They are so comfortable! I smile every time I put them on. :)

  7. Metalmom said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 4:34 PM

    Megan-It’s a slalom bend! I almost flew off the road on the first curve! I’m glad I found traction!!

  8. Metalmom said:

    on February 1, 2012 at 4:38 PM

    cathy-My dad’s family always used “Mom-Mom” Mom’s family used “Grandma” and “abuela” Hubs’ family used “Grandmom” I was always fond of Mom-Mom. I used to watch a little girl who called me “Oma” and we never knew why. It is a German term for Mom-Mom. Isn’t that strange? She was Irish on both sides of her family!!

  9. Kyra said:

    on February 2, 2012 at 12:08 PM

    I’m sorry for your loss, but I love what you said “I realized that it wasn’t her. She was tiny, frail. The woman of my memories was robust, a force of nature.” That is a lovely legacy for her!

  10. Metalmom said:

    on February 2, 2012 at 12:20 PM

    Kyra-She left a wonderful legacy. We all have terrific memories of her. One thing was “putting on my red dress and golden slippers” that meant that she was ready to party! LOL

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