From the Depths of My Sadness…..
I haven’t stopped in for a while and there are very good reasons for this.
First off, when Mom-Mom died, it hit me very hard. Upon the phone call, I promptly got a migraine that didn’t let up until I saw her body. I wasn’t sleeping very well at all and even my sleep aids weren’t working. I was depressed, tired and very, very testy. To top it off, the funeral coincided with a dental appointment that Hubs had been waiting for since New Years. He had all but two teeth pulled and this was the day that he was going to be molded for his new plates. Now, I understand that he hasn’t eaten well and he must be starved constantly. I understand that even after this molding, there was more to be done. But this wasn’t about him. I was hurt and felt betrayed. I stood by him through the loss of both his parents and his grandparents, as well as cousins and friends. I have been blessed to have lost very few of my own dear ones. I needed him now. Finally, all the emotional and physical pain came to a climax and I let him have it. I also cried like I haven’t in a long, long time. He got the point quickly and stepped up. He was like a body guard, not letting issues or people touch me unless I invited them in. I still walked in a daze. I missed my daughter terribly. I cried while folding laundry. I couldn’t even call my best friend to tell her what I was dealing with. I began to scare myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shattered.
At the funeral, as I saw Mom-Mom in her casket, I realized that it wasn’t her. She was tiny, frail. The woman of my memories was robust, a force of nature. Even in her old age, she was the same. It was just in the last few months that she began to waste away. I said goodbye and tucked a letter under her blanket. I turned away and never looked back. The pain in my head disappeared and I suddenly felt so tired. My entire body relaxed and I knew it was the stress and grief that had piled on me. I believe she took it away and told me not to look back.
And from the depths of my soul, the grief was lifted. It was to be replaced with joys uncounted.
My son had brought Logan with him to the funeral at my father’s request. The child came into the church and every tear was replaced with such joy! He smiled at everyone. He was held by one great aunt after another. My own cousins gathered around laughing that I had joined the ranks of ‘grandparent’ (only one other out of 27 is a grandparent) Dad had had the best idea by asking for the baby to attend. It was brilliance. The child fussed a tiny bit after an hour and was ready to be fed. My son did that and he was out for a nap. This was an opportunity to watch my son fully in the Dad-mode. Shenanigans had to work and he was on his own. I was so proud.
I got home from a long, exhausting day and went to bed at 7:30. I woke up at noon the next day.
In this past week, I have been flooded with only good, long lost memories of my grandmother. It makes me smile. I watched Logan Friday and Saturday. They came for dinner on Sunday. I watched Logan again yesterday. Lemme tell ya, a good baby is the best medicine for an aching psyche. I have laughed, and danced my days away. I got together with my best friend and we went shoe shopping. I put on a fun pair of plaid flats….not something that I would normally wear. I ran up and down the aisle of the store laughing. I decided not to spend the money, but she insisted on buying them for me, stating “Chrissy, if they can make you that happy, it would be a sin to deny it”.
She was ri– , ri—……..correct.
So…..after the upheaval and neglect, I expect to spend the day with my doggy boys, bathing and brushing them. I plan on catching up with laundry and finally COOKING!
Life goes on……..
Okay, so yesterday I was a bitch. I mean BITCH. I was annoyed at everything. All that stuff going on with Penn State was everywhere….Facebook, Twitter and television. I flicked off the television. I logged off of fb. I was on Twitter for a bit. It was nice chatting with everyone and taking my mind off of the craving that was slowly grinding away at my willpower. I walked away from the laptop and cleaned the kitchen. I came back and got some support and left again to clean the bathroom. Back and forth I went, twitter and clean, twitter and clean.
Around three-ish, I hit the craving of a lifetime. I decided to light a candle and read for a bit. It took me six matches to light that wick. I needed to go into the office for a second pack. There on the desk was an opened pack of cigarettes. I reached for it and looked inside.
I could easily take one. God knows, I wanted it bad enough. But I didn’t because of something I had read earlier on Twitter. “I gave in and smoked. I will try again tomorrow”. My smoke buddy had fallen. I had answered her comment with “We can do this!” Remembering that, I broke the smokes and threw them away.
Hubs came home a short time later. It was his bad luck to come in just as another craving struck me.
“Motherfucker! You left cigarettes here! Were you trying to tempt me or test me?!! Wait, don’t answer me! I don’t want to know. I hate you right now!”
He apologized profusely. He couldn’t say enough.
I cursed him up and down. I wouldn’t let him say a word. He asked where paperwork was. I told him to look for himself. He asked if the mail had come. I asked if he saw it on his desk. I made him chicken for dinner. I made it the one way he dislikes it, and I was happy about that.
I hated myself for acting this way. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do anything to deserve this. I wanted to kick my own ass.
He went out after dinner to check on something. He came home after an hour and went to his office. He took a shower and sat next to me on the couch. Just looking at him I could feel that switch flip again. All the sorrow I felt for being a bitch disappeared. I wanted a fight again.
Before I could do something I’d regret, I wanted a shower. I hoped that I could wash away the anger. But a shower meant wetting my hair and that was just one more thing that I didn’t want to deal with. I looked into the bathroom and was overcome with a sudden desire for a BATH. I began to run the water.
In my old house, I had one of those big, deep bathtubs on claw feet. I would take a bath as often as possible. Candle, music, head pillow…..the whole nine yards. When we moved, I was once again the owner of a standard tub. It wasn’t as deep. The water barely covered my boobs. My chest and shoulders get cold while the rest of me soaks. I gave up the baths in favor of showers.
Tonight, however, I wanted that bath more than anything….except a cigarette. The peach scented bubble bath I used to use had a layer of dust on it. I no longer have the bath pillow. Undeterred, I poured in the bubbles and watched them foam up.
It smelled heavenly. My body began to relax before I finished undressing. I eased myself in…..and floated away. The candle added an undertone of vanilla to the peach steam filling the room. I lay in the tub soaking, basking in the warmth. After about forty-five minutes, I was pruney enough and tried to get out of the water. No bath mat plus bubble bath equals a slippery tub. I needed help so I called for Hubs.
“I need someone to hang onto. It’s too slippery and I’m afraid that I’ll fall.”
He came into the bathroom and placed a towel on the side of the tub. I pulled myself up and began to step out of the water. He held my arm with one hand and reached for a second towel with his other hand. I was totally out of the shower and he began to gently dry my body. It felt so good. I was like putty.
“I didn’t leave those cigarettes on purpose. I’m sorry you felt like I let you down.”
“No, I’m sorry I took things out on you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was itching for a fight and you were the closest to me. I’m sorry.”
We kissed and moved into the bedroom.
Because Babygirl still reads my posts, I will spare her the details of what her parents did next. (made love…LOL)
This is the reward for thirty-one years of marriage. He can take what I dish out. Today I was a raving lunatic. This will get better. I know it will. It will pass.
But our love for each other will not pass.
I am his lunatic.
Truth or Consequences.
Truth-I hate housework.
Consequence-I tried to fit something in my cabinet and discovered that the shelf liner had been pushed to the back, thus creating a lump that took up space. My ‘full’ cabinet wasn’t as full as I thought. Now I have to clean my cabinets.
Truth-Boredom is my eating trigger.
Consequence-I find myself getting bored and then I pace. Suddenly I look up and realize that I am in the kitchen looking for a snack. This is horrible because my house has lots of chips, cookies, ice cream and candy. I am not the only that eats that stuff so I can’t just hide it or stop keeping it in the house.
Truth-I like to cook.
Consequence-I made two different things to eat for dinner (for myself) and there are leftovers that just don’t taste the same when they’ve been frozen. Now that my desire to cook and eat them has been fulfilled, I find myself looking at the leftovers thinking “I have to eat that before it gets bad.”
Truth– I started smoking again in July. The fact that Hubs knew and was buying me the cigarettes, made me feel less guilty. Less guilty=smoking more.
Consequences– I started the patch on Monday in order to quit. Today is Day 3, or is it #4? I don’t know and I don’t care. I am bitchy as hell. I am cleaning my house, cooking, and eating.
But not smoking……so I guess there’s that.
As my husband’s business partner, I deal with a myriad of things. I send out emails, write up the billing, catch the faxes that come and go, and search the internet for supplies that are hard to find at our local supply houses. The most important thing, however, is answering the phone. I am the voice of the company. Customers call me to ask if this is the correct business for their needs. They call when they electrical emergencies and even for something as trivial as flipping a switch on their fuse boxes.
Today, I got a call from a guy who needed to reschedule an appointment. This isn’t usually a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal in this case either. The big deal stemmed from the attitude I subjected to.
This condescending asshat used words like ‘honey’ and ‘sweetie’. There was also, the “Can he call me between 2 and 3? Not earlier because I’ll be at lunch and not later, because I’ll be going home. I don’t take calls because I will be working at home this evening.” Worst of all, he said “I’m sure that you can have him call me back. I’d rather talk to him. I’m pretty sure that you’re not the one who can tell me what the scheduling looks like.”
This guy doesn’t know me from Adam. Who calls a business and talks to the employees like this? Just because we are a small business, it doesn’t give a person the right to assume so much. I guess he doesn’t realize that I wrote his number on a napkin which I promptly used to blow my nose. Too bad his last name was a little too complicated for me to remember. Oh, and as for the Friday afternoon appointment? Hubs will be enticed to stay with me for a little ‘afternoon delight’ and on Saturday, we may need to visit the baby.
Hey, guy! Find someone else to put your fancy flat screen on the wall for you. You wouldn’t be the first one I’ve kicked to the curb. Even millionaires need to learn a little respect when they call this company. We have a reputation for being clean, polite and respectful to all of our customers. We only ask for the same in return.
Don’t Go There! NEVER Go There!
I have been dying to do this post but having thrown out my back immediately upon my return home from vacation, I was to disconnected to do so.
We got to the shore on Wednesday and it was Babygirl’s BF’s birthday. I was excited because this was his 20th and he was with us for vacation. In June, Hubs and I had gone to a restaurant and the food was indescribable. I was excited to go back and share this with the kids because BF will eat anything and Hubs and Babygirl were ready for the great steaks and superb mashed potatoes.
We went to LUNA. (Oh yes, there is the name) It is a few blocks off the beaten path and it is a restaurant with an adjoining club that has live music and dancing. I felt like it was a well kept secret.
I was wrong. Apparently we were the ones not in the loop.
We got there and ordered drinks and appetizers. My drink was fabulous and the salads were incredible. However, when Hubs and Babygirl ordered their steaks and mashed potatoes, we were told there were no mashed potatoes. Strike one.
And so, as we waited, we took the time to notice the other diners. A table of eight twenty-somethings drinking beer. A family of six behind us with a two year old that was getting itchy. Another family of about ten. The place had full tables. The wait staff was hopping, filling glasses, taking orders, refilling drinks. Hubs had three drinks and turned to me. “These drinks are really weak.” Strike two.
The family with the two year old left. We chalked it up to the kid becoming hard to handle. The twenty-somethings left. We figured that they had eaten already and were just done drinking in this particular place. Another couple came in and ordered salads. And still we sat waiting. The waiter (who barely spoke English) came over and told us that he was sorry about the wait. He refilled our glasses and we waited. By this point we had been there for nearly 45 minutes. They make all their meals fresh so we thought this would be considered normal. Strike three.
Before we knew it, we were noticing that the wait staff was saying the same thing to all the other tables. (Sorry about the wait. Your order is almost ready) Finally it was just us and another table. The couple finished their salads and left. The hostess was running in and out of the kitchen. It was obvious that she was upset about something. The wait staff looked at each other as if they had no idea how to proceed. Hubs was on his fifth drink and still unfazed. Strike four.
We joined in the exodus, asking for our bill and leaving.
As we were leaving, another group was outside deciding on whether or not to eat there. Babygirl turned to one girl and said “No. Just walk away and eat somewhere else.”
I can’t tell you how disappointed I was in LUNA. It is a very intimate type of place. The food is incredibly good. It isn’t very expensive. Some of the food is not the run-of-mill Italian fare. I had been psyched to share this place with Babygirl and BF. So much for a birthday celebration. By the time we left, it was nearly 9pm. We walked to another favorite restaurant and ate dinner in a mostly empty room….not exactly festive.
Two nights later, Hubs and I were in a taxi discussing with the driver our plans for dinner. He suggested a few places and Hubs asked his opinion of LUNA. “Oh God! Don’t go there!! They must have the most brilliant PR because it looks like a great place. Too bad they have one of the worst management in Wildwood!”
Before he said that, Hubs and I were actually considering that it may have been a fluke…the chef was sick or fired or quit mid-shift. To hear that opinion spoken so vehemently stated by the driver….. Well, it seems that the one dinner that Hubs and I enjoyed was actually an anomaly.
Want to eat somewhere good in Wildwood NJ? Ask a cabbie.
My Opinion on Spending
Does anyone remember the news reports a few years ago about how the government spends its money? You know, $450 for a $45 hammer? $75 for a single nail? Has anything been done about that?
With all the talk about balancing the budget and making cuts, I began to think. Just like my doctor gave me little baby steps to lose weight in a manner that wouldn’t hurt, why can’t the government do the same? I mean, I know that when you are talking about the word ‘trillions’ or even ‘billions’ , the cost of a hammer or nail is a drop in the bucket. But let me put it like this:
A man works at Home Depot (or Lowes or Ace Hardware). Business is down, and in order to save their business they let the man go. Now there is no income for the man to feed his four kids. Now they are forced onto welfare and of course the government is cutting all kinds of programs so he still can’t make ends meet. His kids get ill from poor nutrition, they lose their home, and the downward spiral doesn’t end.
Now, if the government would pay $45 for that hammer -say at a Home Depot – that frees up $405. More money spent in Home Depot, man keeps his job, pays for his insurance to take care of the kid, keeps his house, etc.
I’m sure there are flaws in my logic. I am not an accountant or financial adviser. But I am a housewife. When the bills get too high, I make changes. I shop for the best prices. If I can get that hammer somewhere else, I damn well won’t spend $450 for it! If I need to meet someone for lunch to talk business, I will go to say, Applebee’s , rather than a four star restaurant…because I don’t have the money for it!
This is just a little step. But if every sector of government did little things, took baby steps, in the end it would add up. I am not talking about program cuts, I am talking about the wasteful spending. Little steps among every congressman and representative could add up to millions if not billions. If they started there, I think that the American public would feel alot differently about the goings-on in Washington. Maybe if we all demanded an itemized spending list from each of our officials and said NO to what we feel is unexcusable, then maybe, just maybe, things could work out.
That’s just my opinion.
Screwed the Pooch
I fucked up. Yeah, again, so shut up.
I have Black Tie protection on my laptop. Or I should say that I had it. It expired in December. However, I got a renewal notice in the mail a couple of months ago and since I always renew, I went online and renewed it. Or I should say that I thought I renewed it. I am having a problem with my USB ports and took the laptop to Best Buy to have it serviced. My charger is also beat so I wanted that replaced also. Imagine my surprise when they told me that I had no coverage! “But you guys have my money!” The ‘geek’ went online and said that I have no coverage but my daughter did.
Um…what? We never got the service for my daughter because the techs at her college would cover her problems for free, plus if they looked at it once, it would nullify the Black Tie protection anyway. So ‘geek’ told me to call customer service and sort it out.
I called yesterday and I was told that since my coverage was expired since December, I can’t transfer the coverage. Okay. I can deal with that. It pisses me off, but I understand. I just want my money back. When I ordered the protection plan, it was credited to my daughter’s laptop. I was given a number and told to go online and explain it in an email.
Today, I went online and couldn’t find the place where I was supposed to do this. And so, I called their number once more. Now they want my daughter’s receipt for her laptop. They want info on my daughter’s computer. Why? I don’t understand why this is so difficult. Now, I don’t have to send an email. Now I have to write a letter of intent (to cancel the coverage) I have to explain all of this in writing and include the receipt for kid’s laptop, four part numbers and other shit.
Hoops, people. Fucking hoops. I don’t have the patience for this shit.
The harder I tried to explain to these folks, the harder it seemed to get. The guy kept interrupting me and trying to interpret what I was saying before I finished my explanation. Did he understand me? I couldn’t tell you. But I kept getting more and more confused. We were both speaking English and yet I felt like I was speaking gibberish!
My head hurts really bad now. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
The Trouble With Tribbles
If you buy a chick a new bedroom suite, it includes a new bed. If you buy a chick a new (bigger) bed, you have to buy her a new mattress. And if there is a new mattress, you need to buy the chick new sheets.
I bought some new flannel sheets for our new bed and since the bedroom set was our Christmas gift to each other, I made sure to wrap the sheets and put them under the tree. I was excited about these sheets, because the weather suddenly got very cold and the new sheets were flannel and they were also a very sexy solid black.
The week between Christmas and New Year, I was hit by a horrible virus. I was too weak to change the sheets. Every night, Hubs asked when the new ones would go onto the bed. Every night I bitched back “Whenever YOU get around to changing them! *you selfish bastard!*” (Now, I didn’t say the last part, but I sure as hell thought about it!) The truth is, I was afraid that I would fart in my sleep and shit all over my new sheets.
Finally, the day came that I felt better. I opened the sheets to wash them, and Hubs convinced me to forget about that. They were already very soft. They didn’t have that scratchy ‘new sheet’ feel. And so, since they only had a very slight manufactured smell, we put them on the bed.
The next day, my pajamas were covered in tribbles…..black, fuzzy balls of fluff too large to be considered lint. As I walked to the kitchen to let the dog out during the night, I had tracked them through the house. When I tinkled in the dark, I had tracked them through the hallway. They were everywhere. Now, I had done absolutely nothing while I was sick, and the laundry had piled up disgustingly. I had to wait one more day to wash those sheets.
Lint-everywhere-there were more pictures just like this……..several….just like this…..
This morning I woke up and repeated the trail of tribbles. It is doubly gross because I am taking down the holiday decorations. There is no point vacuuming yet, because I am leaving pine needles, glitter, cookie crumbs and such on the floor as well as the tribbles. My house looks like shit.
I took the sheets off the bed and put them into the wash. I was a wee bit concerned because the previous load of laundry was white towels and socks. While the machine was running, I took pictures of my floors. I wish I had taken a shot of my comb before my shower. It had fluff in the teeth- I kid you not. Bandit had fluff interspersed through his white fur. It looked like he was crawling with bugs.
The more I tried to sweep, the more it swirled away from the broom…..
When the washer finished, I took out the sheets and gave them a quick shake before putting them into the dryer. A flurry of black snow gently fell around me, landing on my clothes, my face, my head. It was all over the floor. The photo doesn’t do it justice. I was seething with frustration as I realized that I had to clean it all up.
This was all over the sides of my washer drum!
The more I tried to clean, the more I seemed to find. I remembered the episode of Star Trek in which the tribbles began to take over the Enterprise. Tears threatened. I took a deep breath and I put them into the dryer and hoped that the filter would take care of the offensive tribbles.
This shit is the consistency of foam….actual pillow foam…..NO SHIT!
Well, the dryer worked. It removed 99.9% of the lint. The filter was full. I emptied it and ran it a bit longer. This finally did it. Now they’ve been returned to the bed and they are soft and sweet smelling and comfy and cozy. My floors have been vacuumed and my pjs have been cleaned too. So far-so good. I’m sure when I wash them again, the lint will return to the dryer, but not as bad as this time.
Just one thing bothers me now……
Black sheets show the white flaky dry skin cells from my ashy legs and all of Bandit’s dander. *sigh* If it’s not one thing, it’s another…..
There is an Atlantic Book Outlet on the Boardwalk that we visit every summer. Now when we leave home, I tend to bring a paperback, you know, something not too heavy to carry and read on the beach. I go to the outlet and get the heavier books to read during my winter hibernation. For me, it’s like a kid going into a toy store. I have to check out a lot of books before I settle on two or three. Last year’s choices were Aimee Liu’s “Flash House” and Loren D Estleman’s “The Undertaker’s Wife”. They have been sitting under my coffee table for a year.
Before leaving for the shore last year, I started reading Stephen King’s “Duma Key”. So, when I got home, I put away the new books so that I could finish reading that. Instead of reading, however, I got involved in making a needlepoint wedding gift for a friend. This took longer than I had hoped, and before I knew it, Christmas was here. One of my gifts was “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. Well, I just had to read that one right away!
Other books were started and never finished. This is a new occurrence for me. I never leave a book halfway read. And so, this spring, I began gathering up the books and read them. (Don’t bother with “The Weekend” by Peter Cameron -or maybe do-it gets great reviews but I felt it was a waste of time) I finally finished “The Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold. I can’t imagine how I could have put it down to begin with!
At long last, today I was ready to start a new book. I decided on “Flash House”. I actually got excited about it. I poured a cup of coffee and turned off the television. I opened the cover to read the jacket , as is my habit. It serves to whet my appetite. Now. I am ready. I flip through to the first page of the first chapter only to find…
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TRICKERY???
Oh, yes. It’s the old bait and switch. Do I still have the receipt? NO. Is it worth a two hour drive to get to the store and complain about it? NO. And besides, it’s over a YEAR ago!.
So now I have this book that isn’t my usual cup of tea. I have to admit that the description sounds intriguing. I plan on reading this one and I hope it isn’t another book that I will read and put aside without finishing it.
I’m all for expanding my horizons and trying new things. Books just never figure into my “new things to try”. I guess this is one of those lemons life has given me.
Now I gotta make some lemonade…..
The “20 Questions” Bitch
I’m sorry if you think I was rude. I was sweating my ass off in the sun. I was picking up grass divots while you stood there asking me if “it’s a hot job?” You may be a professor of Criminal Justice, but you are as stupid as a rock. I tried to be polite….really I did. I just didn’t feel the need to tell you how hard Hubby and I were working when it was obvious that we were soaked with sweat. It was obvious from the shovels and the bags of mulch.
I also tried to be nice to your kids, who kept coming over to ask why we were digging in the dirt, where is my dog, did I squirt Hubby with the hose (Is that how he got wet?) They are kids and I really couldn’t tell them to go the fuck away. Besides, how could they know any better when their mother was the one who started the game “20 Questions”?
When you finally went away, I could still hear your whiny, nasal voice cajoling your kids into behaving. “Wanna go in the house? Wanna put on your bathing suit? Why don’t we go get your bathing suit? If we do, you can play in the pool. Do you wanna do that?” WTF? You say, “Get in the house and get your bathing suit so we can swim. No? Fine, get in the house and take a nap!” How could you let them walk all over you like that? Why let them get into the pool with their clothes on? You’re a spineless jelly-fish.
Your spiel never let up. “Here’s the rules! Here’s the rules!” and then “Take turns or else! One…..Two……Eric, take turns now! One…..Two…..” THE NEXT ONE IS FUCKING THREE!!!! Now smack his ass and take him into the house, for Chrissake!!!!
Every day we are out there and every day you say, “I should borrow your husband to do my yard” No, bitch. You have the asshole landscapers who mow your lawns at 8am on a Sunday morning. They are the shitheads who blow all the leaves from your property onto my lawn, which gets cleaned up BY ME!
Don’t you dare ever ask me why the neighbors are so ‘standoffish’ I may have to tell the truth and tell you that it’s all you baby!!
You know that saying, “Good fences make good neighbors”? I wish I could build a fucking brick wall.
Not So Cordially,