I have written before about the kind of emails I tend to get. However, I checked my spam the other day and I was amazed that someone left me the gift of a post in the “subject lines”!

You have yellow teeth. But here! Get free cases of cola! (As if I would need it if my teeth were yellow!)

Need a cheap car?  Need a job? Maybe to pay for that car!

Nurses wanted! But maybe you need Financial Aid to go to school for training.

Sexxxy singles! Congratulations!  I guess I made out okay at eHarmony dating. 

He Guangbe pretty happy. Maybe he has joined the Hetero Handjob Club. Congratulations!!

I swear that these were all email subjects (I’m sure you’ve gotten them too.) I also swear that this is the EXACT order they were received!

I couldn’t pass that up!

I have said this a few times in the past couple of days and I think maybe I should just get it all out there.

I am afraid of numbers.

Not phone numbers, bank accounts or sizes, but geometry, calculus, advanced algebra.

Why? I really don’t know. When I was in school I did well in math with the basics. Addition, subtraction, division and multiplication were fun for me. I enjoyed learning how to put these things together. I can balance a checkbook down to the penny. I can go shopping-knowing I have only $300 in my pocket- and have the cashier tell me that my total is $298.99. (Seriously–I have witnesses!) All without the aid of a calculator.

But something changed. I don’t really remember where. Maybe it was long division. Maybe it was square roots or that 0010010101110101 crap. I still don’t get it. I still don’t need it. (Even though countless math teachers assured me that “someday, you’ll need it!”) All I know is that once in high school, I would freeze. My mind would go blank. My mouth would suddenly go dry. My palms and pits would get flopsweat. It wasn’t just test anxiety. It happened in class. It happened while being tutored. It happened while dad tried over and over to tell me how the numbers meshed.

As my kids grew up, they would ask me for help. My eyeballs would burn and my heart would begin to pound. So I’d pass them on to my dad who could solve damn near any number problem thrown at him. Why didn’t I inherit that gene?

Then, they learned a new math. IMP. This is when the teachers in all of their infinite wisdom want a ten year old to explain why 4 + 5 = 9. ?  WHY? BECAUSE THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS DECIDED SO!! Isn’t that good enough? My kids could do the problem. They could show the work. They could get the answer right. But they couldn’t explain why it was right. And they were penalized for it. (Because each was considered a separate part of solving the problem. Don’t know one part? Lose points)

I think it was a conspiracy cooked up by mathematicians who feared that with the advent of calculators and computers, their jobs as math teachers was becoming obsolete.

Who needs to learn math? I have a calculator on my phone!

I want to post something. I need to post something. This blank screen is mocking me…..

“Oh Metalmom! What’s wrong? You have opinions on everything under the sun. How can you not spew one forth now?” (For some reason, it the voice of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s heroes.)

This is true. I have a lot of views that I never express because the people I am with either don’t care or they don’t understand.

“Come on, little girly-girl! Tell us a story! Tell us about the time in high school when you stole the car!”

This is a  story that I haven’t shared with many folks (other than the ones who were with me.)

“Well,  fine!  Then tell us about the book fetish!”

Really, now. I don’t think that this is the time or place for tha–

“Or how about the time you stole the candy?”

But-

“What are you? Chicken?”

Noo, but–

“At a loss for words?”

*Sigh*

The truth of the matter is that I have a migraine just trying to come forward and it is making me fuzzy with the details I want to convey. Damn this stupid brain! For once I think I have a lot on my mind and nowhere to unload it right now. So I guess it will have to wait…

For another day…..another post.

I was busy doing some stuff , like checking some emails and such, and a headline caught my eye. It mentioned Facebook and since I hang out there (with many of you!)  I decided to click the link. Look what I found ! Go ahead, I’ll wait…..

(elevator Muzak here)

You’re back? Did you read it? I was always aware that there was some sharing going on because FB is a business when you get right down to it. I just wasn’t aware of how much sharing there is!

Yes, I’m guilty of taking quizzes and asking my friends to play along too. Yes, I sent virtual gifts, drinks and hugs. I will be taking a hard look at what’s on my profile page.

Yeah, today I’ll be cleaning house over there. Not leaving….just  cleaning.

My week was yucky. I haad no kids wich in itself is usually a good thing. But on sunday and Monday, I pretty much had no internet and I got pissed off and started drinking to calm my nerves so on Tuesday, I was hungover and wearing sunglasses. I did some laundry and not much else. Okay, I lie. I sipped water and took aspirin. On Wednesday (the high point of my wek)I was interviewed by Absurdist and that was a ton of fun! Thursday, my doctor said I gained two pounds. WTF? I hate him. He’s a liar. Now its Friday. *sigh* Tomorrow I’m sleeping in late with Nobody*. That’ s all I have ot say about that.

* From Nobody’s Thursday post: “I really hope that some of you will join me in my protest of protests. Here’s how it’s gonna happen: We’re going to have a sleep in on Saturday morning. We will display our apathy of these ridiculous protests by ignoring them and sleeping in. ” The man is brilliant!

So that’s it for a freewrite about my week with a bonus snippet of Nobody. Links will appear as I find them. Have a great weekend!

What is freewriting? Freewriting is writing whatever comes to mind, usually writing for a predetermined amount of time without regard to spelling, grammar, structure, etc. and no editing is done. We have chosen five minutes for right now, we will add or subtract from that in the weeks to come as we see fit.

Go see Shiny! He did it too!

Three things:

1.  Don’t start drinking hard liquor  at noon. It gets harder to follow instructions. (And it makes walking kind of hard when you’re doing laundry.)

2.  I don’t know who loves Babygirl’s boyfriend more right now, she or me. He fixed quite a few glitches in my computer and so far , so good.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I wanted to catch up on a few more things that I didn’t do today but……

3.  ……I went to the eye doctor and she dilated my pupils. (If I had known that was going to happen, I would have just smoked the weed instead of drinking !) When I get this done, it tends to stay with me for HOURS! Therefore, I am having trouble seeing my monitor clearly. I currently have my nose touching the screen and it’s not very comfortable!

 Oh,well. What can ya do? I think I’ll go to bed soon and pretend that Monday never happened.

On Friday, I took the trip to the art museum. This was a great experience and I really enjoyed every minute of it. If you ever have an opportunity to go to an art museum, I highly recommend having a personal tour guide (Or are they called ‘docents’?) They are trained to point out details that you wouldn’t ordinarily look for and they also know random facts that are quite interesting. I learned that this painting by Salvador Dali:

 Soft Construction with Boiled Beans-Premonition of Civil War

was a depiction of the Spanish Civil War-even though there isn’t an outright illustration of war in it. I learned that Japanese tea houses had short doors so that guests were forced to enter on their hands and knees in order to show respect. And I learned that no matter how roomy and comfortable your chic boots are, DO NOT WEAR THEM ON A CLASS TRIP! (I dealt with blisters on my poor feet.)

I also learned that Babygirl is a fan of Andy Warhol, and more of the photographic arts. She gets along with her peers and a certain guy in her class makes puppy eyes at her whenever he thinks she is not looking. I learned that her teacher respects her opinions and thinks that she is very talented in her creative writing.(Just like her momma!!)

And finally, I learned that leaving the puppy in the care of Son2 for the day, does not mean that he will miss me any less. I walked in the door and he damned near killed me trying to get me to rub his neck! (The puppy-not my son!)

On Saturday, I learned that cleaning up my computer isn’t necessarily a good thing. Now I am not recognized by a few of my favorite sites. I will have this situation remedied some time this week. (It’s killing me-now I have to talk to Hubs!) However, I can get into my blogs and email alot faster and I can stay on with fewer crashes!! YAY!

So that’s what I learned. All in all, it was a good couple of days.  What did you do?

This weekend really sucks. It is pouring outside. I mean buckets!! And the wind started up too. The empty trash cans in my yard are dancing in circles. I had to throw a brick into each to keep them from blowing away! A few of the branches on the trees around my house are tapping against the cable wires. This means my tv and computer keep popping in and out, making any kind of movie watching or blog reading a pain in the ass.

Secondly, Hubs and the boys are working this weekend. They are tryng to catch up with work that was put on hold during the “Flu Outbreak of ‘08″.That means it is Me and the Pup just hanging out. What about Babygirl, you ask? She is far too cool to chill with Mom!She will head out with Handsome to his house or else he will come here and they will sit in a corner and giggle into each other’s ears. (BLECH!) Nothing like being the third wheel to your own daughter!

I guess I will spend the day trying to figure out why the audio on my computer sounds like a Spaniard rolling his R’s.The stutter is making me nuts and this is UNACCEPTABLE-especially on a Sunday! This is my time to spend with my compadres. Mi amigos. YOU GUYS!

With any luck, I’ll have it figured out in time to listen to Vulgar Wizard at 1pm , Karl at 5pm, Hilly at 6pm, Mr Fabulous’s Big Birthday Bonanza at 7pm,  Turnbaby at 8pm, and Kyra at 9:30pm. God, I’m pathetic! I have absolutely no life on Sundays.

*Sigh* Whatever!

What is freewriting? Freewriting is writing whatever comes to mind, usually writing for a predetermined amount of time without regard to spelling, grammar, structure, etc. and no editing is done. We have chosen five minutes for right now, we will add or subtract from that in the weeks to come as we see fit.

Okay, I’m gonna jump right in….

Phone companies are a pain in the ass and so is routhost. Fuck ‘em all. Assholes.It’s so hard to do this shit, it makes my nose bleed. Why did my Son ask me to help him? Why did I say yes?Now Im helping to plan a trip I ‘m not evem gong on.! I should boojk them on a plane to Borneo! Hubs bought girlscout cookies. Who needs $50.00 worth of cookies? NOT ME! shitheads gonna eat them in front of me too. Bastard! Hey Grant-got the card, you nut! Shelli, youre the best did you know that? I need a shower. Especially if I want to get lucky.I guess I should shave too.No kids today. Dodged a bullet on that one! 4 kids are staying with their own dad! YAY! I’m free to fight the good fight with routhost again! WOOT! What the fuck does woot mean anyway? I’m a dork for using it. Friday! No meat. Wonderful….Matt, save me some of those beans!

Five minutes! Whew! That wasn’t nearly enough to empty my head of all the detritus floating around in there! My brain is working overtime today kids!

Now for the group lovin’…. Randi, Finn, the108, Trishk, Shortie, Absurdist, and Stacy. Did I forget you? Let me know! Go read some of these other chicks! They dump some weird shit out of their heads too!

People please! I am only one woman! I cannot be expected to do everything that is demanded of me. I check my email every day and I am ever so popular.  Lemme tell ya about it!

I can’t live without Hanes t-shirts. I must slim down in two days, perhaps by using colon cleanse! I can join a gym for a limited time only or maybe I just say ‘fuck it’ and order myself some soup samples!

I can change myself into an ebay millionaire, a nurse, a cop or a mystery shopper. All I need to do is respond within 24 hours to be on my way to realizing my dreams!

I am repeatedly asked to fill out surveys, buy business cards, or buy ringtones. Don’t these assholes know that I have better things to do with my time? Important things like shave my legs, eat a pudding cup, pluck my chin hairs or take a shit while no one is in the house to interrupt me!

And I get these requests for pictures. “Send me your picture! I’ll send you mine!” I keep telling MattMan and Mr Fabulous to stop sending me these requests because guys, it just wouldn’t happen! Mainly because I think the Black Singles in my area have dibs on those!

The only one that is remotely interesting is for hunting knives. FINALLY!  An offer I can use!

Now if I can only find the people that send me all this shit, I’d have a serious use for a nice sharp gutting knife!!