Thursday May 13th 2010, 9:44 PM
Filed under: desire,questions


Who has a question?

What do you want to know?

Where can I find inspiration?

When will I have something worth posting?

How long will I be barren?

Sunday May 02nd 2010, 8:01 PM
Filed under: Anger,desire,HOT,Hubs,other shit,sex,weather

Monday Moaning-Hot As Hell

*It is hot as a motherfucker out there today, with a healthy dose of humid.  There is not a breeze to be found.  Every pore on my face must be open because the grease on my skin…!  Holy cheese and crackers!!!  I splashed my face with cool water and two minutes later, the oils were back.  I feel like the Mary Kay lady got ahold of me and caked that shit all over.  You know what I mean?  That feeling like you have two pounds of makeup on?  Yeah, that one.  Yuck and a half!!!

*It will continue to be hot here in my house because it is not after Memorial Day.  To Hubs,  this means that it’s not summer yet.  Screw that noise!  It was 86 degrees today and I have a tiny ‘personal furnace’ named Bandit that wants to sit ascloseaspossible to Mama! I want my AC and I want it NOW!!!


In case you can’t read it, beneath “It’s Fucking Hot” it says “Time to Crank the AC”……I concur!

*Still bitching about the heat and humidity…..My hair is frizzy. In my attempt to keep the frizz down to a minimum, I used some of this product and that other product and my hair felt  like paper and not hair.  Besides that, my scalp itched. So I showered, in order to cool off and wash the disgustery out of my hair.  Now my hair looks like……actually, it looks like a doll I had as a kid…..AFTER I brushed out all the pretty curls.

*About the only thing Hubs is bitching about is that he gets no sex.  It is easily remedied……GIMME THE MUTHAFUCKIN AC!!! 

*And the hot flashes?   Bitch, please!  Don’t get me started…….!

Saturday April 10th 2010, 9:56 PM
Filed under: desire,Hubs,ineptitude,other shit,questions,weight


I walked for three days in a row. That isn’t a big deal, really. Once or twice a week, I manage to do beginner’s pilates. Basically, it is lots of stretching. Two or three times a month, I throw in a shot at the treadmill.  This is not a lot of exercise and it looks like even less when I see it printed out in front of my eyes likes this.

When I do the pilates, I feel great. Even the stiffness is good because I feel like I accomplished something.  But then, Hubs has a day or two at home and I cannot do it. I cannot roll around on the floor without the comments like “Oh yeah, baby! It looks good from here!” or “See? I knew you could bend like that!”  It makes me laugh, and then I lose my concentration, and then I feel self-concious.  I ask him to stop and I can see that I’ve hurt his feelings. “I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the way you look.” or “I’m just trying to encourage you.”  There is a better way to do that, but coming from him, it would sound fake, forced.

Walking – on the treadmill, or on the street – makes me sweat. I hate the feeling of sweat but I have learned to tolerate it. Walking also gives me different pains. An ache in the hip, a pinch in the back, and then my shins. It makes me stop because the hip pain makes sleep difficult. The back pain could escalate into months of shit. The shins? Well….

I’ve mentioned it to my doctor. He tells me to be sure to stretch. Take some ibuprophen. I have done that and still the ache. I last walked on Thursday and even now, on Saturday I can feel the pain. It is almost like a constant leg cramp. If I walk it out, it gets worse or it spreads to my ankles. Is it shin splints? I think so, but I still don’t know what to do about it.

I feel so weak. Why don’t I have the fortitude to go on? As a kid, and even as a young adult, I played hard. I played softball, ran track, walked for miles. I moved from a town that used to laugh at walkers and joggers to a town where they are a constant presence- rain or shine. I now have a dog for company. Why can’t I get motivated? Why can’t I get past the fear of pain? I know that exercising can help get rid of so many of my problems and yet, just the thought cripples me. I think of the people I know who lost weight due to heart problems, the people who soldier on through chemo treatments, the people who have been through physical therapy to learn to move all over again. And then I feel ashamed of my weakness.

I need a partner. I have no problem doing anything – exercise, walking, dieting- with a partner. I’ve asked a few friends and it just hasn’t worked out. A gym is not an option.

How do I get motivated? I can think of a million reasons why I can’t exercise today. And I can also think of a million reasons why I should get off my ass. How do I get rid of this defeatist attitude?

Wednesday February 24th 2010, 11:12 AM
Filed under: desire,Friends,happy,Hilly,questions

Peace and Happiness

Peace – that was the other name for home.  ~Kathleen Norris

My friend Hilly has returned to California after trying to live in Florida. It seems that Florida is just not where her heart is happiest. Yes, she has her very best friends there and she is definitely surrounded by unconditional love, and yet….something was missing. And so, she went back to California, a place that gives her both happiness and peace.

I have read the posts that she had written about her inner struggles with this choice. I have read what her friends think about this subject and it has led me to wonder…..Where is your heart happy? 

I know that we are all going to say, “I am happy with my family/pets/children”  But on that spiritual level, what gives you peace?

My soul, for some reason is unbelievably peaceful in the historic district of Philadelphia. I don’t why this is. I can stroll the streets, visit museums, see the birthplace of America and I am perfectly content.I feel an unexplainable connection. I don’t need anyone to be with me when I am there. I just….am.

I am also very happy to be on a beach. All the troubles that I may feel, all the worries that may be in my head, are washed away – even for a moment or two – by the constant ebb and flow of the tide. My mind can go absolutely blank as I drink in the vastness of the ocean. On a cold winter’s day, I can feel the wind whip a frigid mist that will spray me. On a hot summer’s day, I feel the sun shine on me. And both times, I will be happy and at peace with the world.

Where is your home?

The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keeps you there.  ~Ellie Rodriguez


Tuesday December 15th 2009, 9:38 PM
Filed under: birthday,celebration,desire,happy,kids

Will He Shoot His Eye Out?

Thanksgiving night, Son1 showed up with his girls. We had a nice visit and we chatted of this and that. And then he said it….

“My birthday is coming up”

As if I could forget! I have so many occasions in December that it is imperative to write them down. In order, it is my mom’s birthday, my parents’ anniversary, my nephew’s birthday, my son, my late father-in-law,my brother, the holidays and then Son2. In between each, I have to cram in shopping for gifts, cards and Christmas gifts. It is quite a whirlwind. But for some reason, this year he thought he would remind me….because yanno, I’m getting up in years…..(I almost slapped him for that!)

On random days he would stop in after work and say hello. He always made sure to do the countdown….3 weeks…17 days…12 days…1 week… Like a child he was so excited about this birthday. One day, we were chatting on the phone and I asked him why he was so excited about this birthday.

“I’m gonna be 29. After that, I’ll be a real grownup. This is like…the last year that I can…..maybe….”

Maybe what? Spill kiddo!!

And much like Ralphie had asked for “an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle”, he asked for “Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2”, a video game for an xBox.


And as a true mom, I said “Oh honey, that is so violent. And besides, aren’t you a little old for games like that?” He looked crestfallen.

As the days went by, he managed to work that video game into conversations. He even showed me the sale ads and left them on the dining room table.  Finally, on Friday night, he called to say that Shenanigans had bought him an xBox.

“Mom, it would be great if  ‘someone’ got  ” Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2″ so that I could play it. Hint, hint.”

“Do you know how much that is??  I can’t afford that! It’s almost Christmas! How ’bout I just make you a cake? You know that we usually wait to give you a gift.”

“Mom! I never ask for anything!! Can you tell me if you’re going to get it for me? I’m almost ready to go buy it for myself.”

” Well, babe, I guess you’ll just have to wait until Tuesday to find out…”

“MOM!!!  My birthday is MONDAY!!!!”

“I know. I was just fuckin witcha.”

And I made him wait……All through the weekend….all day Monday…..And finally…

I gave it to him. I can’t remember the last time I saw him look that happy about a gift. I was happy about spending a small fortune on a video game.

And I’m glad that he can’t “shoot his eye out.”

My “baby” is going to be 30….next year…..  :((

Sunday December 13th 2009, 9:29 PM
Filed under: desire,happy,holiday,Hubs,love

Sexmas Trees

Hubs and I had a very productive weekend. He untangled lights and I managed to get them hung. I climbed  on my window ledges to hang lights and wreathes. I climbed on chairs to adorn the doorways and I wrapped the lights with garland.  So far, so good. We did lots of laughing and had lots of playful banter going on.

What is it about a man that makes him turn everything into sex?  Even putting up Christmas decorations turned into foreplay!

I wanted him to steady me while I was standing on a chair. He took this opportunity to comment on what was directly in his eyes. (I’ll give you a second to visualize.)  As the chair wobbled a bit, he steadied me with a firm grip on my ass. And as he helped me to jump down from the chair, of course my boobs had to rub his face while he got more than  a handful.

Damn it!! I was BUSY. I had things to do!!! I was beginning to get warm from my efforts…and I’ll admit, from other things. So I suggested a break. We bundled ourselves up and climbed into our work van. It was time to find a tree.

The first place we went to had lots of trees.  We discussed just how big I wanted it to be. We complained about the sap that dripped all over my hands.  But every single tree had huge gaping holes.  They were not what we wanted. We left that lot and went to another.

At the second lot, I was glad that we had personalized service. A very nice guy (with just a glimpse of plumber’s crack showing) led us around the lot showing us trees that were exactly what we were looking for. He held the trunks and maneuvered them so that I got a good look from every angle. That man could sure handle wood. I chose one and Hubs shoved that big tree into the rear….of the van.

We made our way home, did a few other jobs and relaxed for dinner.Hubs treated me to lunchmeat sammiches so that we wouldn’t have to cook or clean up. Hubs made his tree stand straight and tall right there in the living room. It is glorious. We had a few cocktails while we relaxed and finally we made our weary way to bed.


After a day of busy, busy, busy, we lay there in bed, watching Saturday Night Live, my head on his chest and his arms around me.We fell asleep that way.

Sometimes all the talk is enough. Sometimes a cuddle is all we need to finish ourselves off.

Thursday November 05th 2009, 9:20 PM
Filed under: desire,fantasy,miscellaneous,questions

Gathering Dust


He is too trusting, sheltered, far too young to be away from his mother for so long….

Sometimes I find a stray sentence floating through my mind. It has nothing to do with the task I am attending to. It has nothing to do with the book I am reading or the show on television.

The cries of the geese on their trek through the deep blue skies sounded lonesome in the winter air….

Every so often, as I lie in bed at night, I have a thought that comes to me.  Just as I am on the verge of  sleep, it comes. I may or may not remember what it is when I awaken, but it is there, nagging in the back of my head, like a dream you want to remember but it remains just outside your reach.

Bandit ran through the waist-high field, his energy boundless. How could a beautiful creature have such an evil streak?

What should I do with such randomness? Do I let it dissipate like a cigarette’s smoke?  Do I write it down only to lose it among the grocery lists, the phone numbers, the bills?

The geisha lowered her eyes, ever mindful of her place. With tiny, delicate feet, she moved gracefully to the mournful tones of the shamisen. Through her lashes, she could barely see him- the tall, dashing American…..

Over the roar of my vacuum, my mind wanders. I plan what to make for dinner, or try to remember that I need to call my mother. I can almost hear the phone call  in my head and then it comes–

His hands run over the virgin wood like a lover. What shape will call to him this time? He slowly picks up his chisel and mallet and begins, his first strikes tentative and slowly gain momentum….

They are in me, taking up room in my brain . Is there a use for them? Are they part of a bigger ‘something’ that is trying to break out of me? Do I have the incentive, the drive, to take it further?  I don’t know. But for now, I’ll just share them with you.

Wednesday October 14th 2009, 10:38 AM
Filed under: desire,fantasy,other shit

I Deal

My ideal day would start with my being awakened by the sunshine on my face. I’d wake up on my own and not because men are stomping around in their work boots, or because the alarm went off two hours too early. The smell of coffee would beckon to me, and I would actually find enough for a cup or two, instead of just finding warm grounds and the lingering, tantalizing scent of caffeine. Breakfast would be hot waffles and cool fresh berries, instead of thick lumpy cream of wheat.


My ideal day would hold a hot, uninterrupted shower. I’d dress in jeans that actually fit…not the ones that are too big and baggy, or the ones that barely come up over my thighs. The phone wouldn’t ring unless the call was for me. No kids would be here to whine, cry, or make a mess all over my house. I’d sing a song to bring the animals to  clean dishes, wipe windows without streaks, dust all the tables and shelves in the house like Snow White did.

My ideal day would find my husband coming home early, to while away hours snuggling in bed, whispering the words of love instead of telling me about how he has to run out to work on Sunday. He’d tell me how much he appreciates me instead of giving me a pile of paperwork. He’d tell me to forget about cooking and he’d take me out, for once going to eat Japanese food instead of steak and potatoes.

My ideal day would continue with my kids doing their own laundry, and cleaning their rooms, instead of telling me that they need a clean shirt tonight or my dog would play nicely alone instead of putting his face up to mine to demand playtime now!! I’d be able to watch a movie or two all the way through without the phone ringing or without someone walking in during the last twenty minutes. I’d go to sleep at the end of the day and go right to sleep, instead of tossing and turning, listening to the deafening snores of my wonderful husband. I’d sleep and stay asleep….all night….

In my real life, I tend to get more of  “I Deal” instead of  “Ideal” .

Monday September 21st 2009, 3:05 PM
Filed under: desire,other shit,Uncategorized


I want to hear you

your bells and whistles, your flashing lights

I feel the thrill, as I win

It’s not enough…just one more dollar in the slot…then I’ll stop…

I want to feel you

touch me, taste me, fill me

I feel degraded, dirty, used

It’s not enough….I just want to feel… feel…

I want to taste you

your sweetness, your salt

I want to fill the hole inside of me

It’s not enough….just one more slice of cake…a small one….

I want to feel you

you’re squeezing my arm, that pinprick of pain

I feel the rush, the quickening, the sickness

It’s not enough….just one more hit…to hold me over…

I want to smell you

your barley scent, the woody tones

My hand shakes with need

It’s not enough….just one one sip….I can handle it….

It’s not enough….never enough….never enough…

Monday August 31st 2009, 6:50 PM
Filed under: desire,ineptitude,lessons,other shit,questions

How Did I Get Here?

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

~~Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime”

I looked in the mirror. I mean really looked in the mirror.

After a day that wasn’t overly difficult, a day full of sunshine and love, a day with minimal bullshit to deal with, I looked into the mirror. On the surface, I saw my own face– not too young, not too old. Very few wrinkles and not as many ‘laugh lines” as I’d like. I backed up a step or two and I saw my middle-aged body. A few too many inches around the middle, inches that I can take care of….

Other than that, I am unremarkable. If you saw me on the street, I doubt that I have the type of face that you would notice right away.

All of those things I can and do deal with. I don’t think I’m too vain. On the contrary, I think some people would say that I’m not vain enough and that I should care just a tad more about outward appearances.

But looking into the mirror I saw past all of that. And I was a bit surprised at the thoughts that came into my mind.

What happened to the girl who got a scholarship to a business school?  She never went. Why? What happened to the woman who was determined to get her driver’s license before the start of the new year? It is almost another year gone and I still don’t drive. Why?  I wanted to go back to school but instead I put myself last….after car and house payments, after sports registrations and art supplies, after lawyers and fines. In the mirror I saw all of those things.

I tell myself, that I put myself last because it is my duty as a wife and mother. If I drive, the insurance is another bill to come into the house. Why should I consider going back to school? I should wait until my children are finished with their education before being selfish and taking college on myself.  We should be on our way to owning a house before I take that money to use on myself. I tell myself all of these things and more.

Who the hell am I kidding? I am afraid.  I am afraid of failure.


What if I take the driver’s test and fail? People younger than me drive every day. If I can use a computer somewhat functionally, I should be able to drive a car. What if I go back to school and fail? What an epic waste of money and time that would be!   What if?  What if?  What if?

And I looked further into the mirror and realized that this was an underlying current to my entire life.

I spelled “agenda” wrong in the 7th grade spelling bee. I was afraid that if I represented my school and failed, everyone would laugh at me. When I joined the track team, I was asked to do the high jump and the broad jump. What if I threw my body into the air and fell, hurting myself in front of people? In school, I knew many of the answers but I doubted myself and held back for fear of being wrong. Where did this fear come from? I only remember encouragement from my parents. I remember feeling safe and loved. I don’t remember being put down or laughed at because of my ignorance.

I looked into the mirror and saw a lot of things I’d like to change… thing at a time. I am on a treadmill…running and running and going nowhere. I need to go….some place… any place…..whether I fail or not…..

For me.