I had the nerve cauterizing procedure today and all I can say is “FUCK! THAT HURT!!” See the above cartoon? WORDS OF WISDOM!!

Yes, this is what the doctor told me. I have to take it easy….no lifting, no carrying, avoid the stairs…This means that I am not doing laundry. Heh heh! However, Babygirl just made twenty bucks by doing  a load of wash for her brothers. What a lucky girl! That will pay her membership at the YMCA for the month.

I came home, slept, woke up, ate, and after I chat with you, I may head back to bed again. My extra special drugs have worn off and I am beginning to feel again. We certainly don’t want that right now! I have no plans for the weekend but I am discovering the joys of owning a laptop. I can blog from bed! YAY!

Have a great weekend and think of me when you dance on a tabletop!

So Monday I went to the doctor’s office with Hubs for our follow-up visit. I have had only minimal relief from the shot series. Hubs is also faring little better. This means we move on to the next level.

Just after New Year’s we will both undergo a Rhizotomy. This is a procedure that will cauterize the troublesome nerve endings in the lower back. Hubs has had this before and was pain-free for two and a half years. This is the first time for me and I am scared out of my mind.

You see, the procedure is done like this: I am on my stomach in the OR and I will be put to sleep. The doctor will place needles in the general area of the nerves along one side of the spine. And then…ready for this?….HE WAKES ME UP!!!  You read that right! That’s the time we play a game called “Does this hurt? How bout now?” He will very gently move those needles until he can find the troublesome nerve and re-create the back pain that I get. When we find it, he will put me back to sleep and burn the endings of those nerves.

Hubs has already told me that this is very painful. He also said that sometimes it makes your legs and back spasm (during the procedure) But Hubs has a high tolerance for pain. I DO NOT!!!  I like my drugs for a reason!

So you can see why I am scared. But I am looking forward to being pain-free afterward. You may wonder why Hubs needs this again. Unfortunately, nerves are tricky little devils and they tend to grow back. But two and a half years is a lifetime for me where pain is concerned and if I don’t need the meds for that long, I’ll be a big girl and suck it up.

The doctor and Hubs both knew it would come to this point. But our insurance wouldn’t let us skip to the end. We have to do a series of cortisone shots and then a series of shots directly into the space between the discs. That is eight procedures! And now this ( but this will happen twice-once down the left and once down the right) And the procedure that would alleviate ALL of this isn’t covered by the insurance at all yet! I don’t understand why the companies will pay out for all this shit and the pain meds when I could get one procedure and not need anything else?

Oh and?…The first treatment will be…..JANUARY 2!!!!  What a way to ring in the new year! I can hardly wait!

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I am playing David Frost to Giggle Pixie’s Nixon today. With my insightful questioning, we get to the root of what really makes her tick….or at least why she won’t use public restrooms!!   Go check it out!

I have been a very busy little bee. Lemme tell ya all about it:

I have finished all but a few of my Christmas cards. As I was pulling out the door wreath, I happened upon a box among the pile. It was a yellow box that previously contained Whitman’s chocolates. (They were very good, by the way) I thought it contained knick-knacks and I had passed over it several times. Something made me look inside, and guess what! I found my ‘master list’ for my Christmas cards! Yeah, now that I didn’t need it any more it turns up. Figures!

I have painted a closet door, and wood trim in my living room. I am painting shutters and a cabinet in my bathroom today. If they didn’t look so bad, I would leave them alone but alas, I can’t stand to look at them one more day.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to paint shutters?? Especially if they have been painted shut by the previous owner! Asshole!

Hubs and I went to the doctor’s for a follow-up exam on our backs. Unfortunately, neither of us responded very well to this series of shots. Now we are going hardcore. We will have our nerve endings cauterized. I am kind of scared about this one but I’ll tell you all more about this later. If I tell you now, it will harsh my mellow.

Lastly, go visit Grant. I am interviewing him today and his answers were kind of surprising but lots of fun.

Now go! Get on with your life! I got shit to do!!!

I haven’t be totally here lately and some of you know that I am currently getting yet another series of cortisone shots. This round has been kicking my butt due to the fact that my pain has begun to radiate down the leg. This means that the shots go deeper. Deeper=pain. Anyway, the delaudid makes me sick if I have more than one shot of that. Talk about nasty!! Migraine and nausea. Yeah I live for that shit!! Thank God that I only have one more Tuesday to go!!

Other than that, there’s nothing going on here. Oh yeah, little miss Three-year-old said the following sentence to me, “I’m gonna yell until you let me have what I want!” So I took away her snack of Skittles, put her on the couch and began to scream at the top of my lungs. She shut up quickly, apparently too stunned for words. I told her if she could scream then so could I. She forgot what she wanted. When I told her mom, she laughed her ass off and said “I woulda beat her ass!” That’s my kind of mom!

Mood-wise, I’m in a good place. I’ve cooked, cleaned, played with the kids and whatnot without feeling frazzled for a change. I have managed to read a bit and I am working a needlepoint for Son1. Who knew I could be so relaxed? And no drugs or alcohol have been involved!!

I’m gonna just go with the flow because I just know that the tide will turn. It always does. And when the riptide hits, I want some strength stored up to fight it!

This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This means Get your boobage checked!!

Nooo…not like this!

It may look like fun, but not like this either!

While he may look more professional, this is not how to do it either!

This is the correct way to have someone help you to check your boobies.

And if you are alone, then do this…

All kidding aside, this is important so don’t fuck around. Get a mammogram. Take a friend. Take your sister, your mom, your aunt. Cancer doesn’t discriminate.

I screwed up.

I screwed up, not in a horrible way, but it was enough for Hubs to be embarassed. This led me to wonder,

 Babygirl went to a checkup for her braces. A bill had come at the beginning of the month but I was under the impression that we could pay that at the time we came into the office.(For some reason, I thought we had discussed that with the orthodontist) Well, we parked the car and Hubs asked me if I had a bill in my hand. I answered yes. Then he asked “When was the payment due?” I told him my impression and he got flustered.

His fear was that the receptionist would make a scene and he would be embarassed. I told him to stay the hell in the car.

I went in, I explained my assness, and paid the bill. No harm-no foul.

So what was the big deal??

I understand not wanting to be embarassed, but it seemed such a trivial thing to me. It led me think about what embarasses me. I came to realize that not much does. But I can say that  SBD’s will cause me to run and hide. (What is an SBD? A “Silent But Deadly” gaseous explosion from between the butt cheeks — or a fart, in other words.) Everyone farts, but still…..it can be cringe-worthy.

I know that if I sing out loud in a store, my boys will disown me. I know that if I talk to Babygirl’s friends as if I am a teenager, I will be shunned. Both of these things are small potatoes when it comes to the big picture of life, but I am curious to know if there is something that others may ignore that seems like the end of the world to you?

I went to the doctor for a checkup on my thyroid function last week. It seems to be working okay, except for one thing. I’m not losing weight. This is a concern not only for me but for the doctor as well. I’m not getting younger and this could be serious further on down the road.

I know y’all are probably tired of hearing about this, but it’s weighing (HEH HEH) heavily on my mind.

I’m exercising. I’ve cut out a majority of the carbs. I gave up the Southern Comfort (except for ONE- only once a week). I stopped using butter. I’m eating more veggies. And still nowhere.

So the doctor gave me something called Alli. It binds with the excess fats in my meals so that my body doesn’t absorb it. It simply passes through.

Quickly.

Did you ever hear of ‘olestra’? It’s that stuff that made the news when someone made potato chips with this stuff. It caused “anal leakage“.

Yup. You read that right. “Anal Leakage“. As in ‘Hershey squirts’. As in ’skitters galore’. As in ‘fart+ shit= shart.’ As in ‘fart + poop = foop”.

If I take this stuff I run the risk of the sharts.

The horror is that I’m considering this. You see, it is used as behavior modification , kind of like those dog collar shocker things. If the dog goes beyond the boundaries set, he will get a shock. So he learns not to do that. If I go beyond my allowance of fats, I will have “digestive consequences”.  (Yeah, that’s what they call it.) I will be forced to learn a new way of controlling what I eat.

As long as I pay attention, I have no problems. If there is a reason why I am eating a high fat count meal, I simply don’t take the Alli (hence I won’t gain the benefit of having that fat ‘flushed’.) I can expect to safely lose approximately 3 pounds a week. After I stop taking Alli, I should be accustomed to eating a diet with lower fat counts and a steady amount of calories. Eating differently would mean keeping the weight off.

I know I could probably just alter my eating habits on my own, but knowing myself, I will cheat. There will be no consequences for bad behavior. The Alli will keep me accountable.

I tend to stick close to home unless I take the kids somewhere. Besides, they are headed back to school next week. I have a treadmill, so I won’t have to stop walking. (I’ll go back to walking outdoors once my body adjusts.) This doesn’t have to be an embarassing undertaking for me.

What do you think? Do the pros outweigh (heh heh again) the cons? After all, I will be under a doctor’s supervision.

Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when the doctor simply prescribed ‘yellow jackets’ or ‘black beauties’? There’s got to be a shyster out there willing to hook a bitch up with some legal speed!

Where are you?? Come out of the woodwork!!

On Monday, August 18, at 12:01 am, an event of epic proportions will commence.

No….not the Summer Olympics. That was last week.

No….not the X-Games.That was the beginning of the month.

Miss Britt and Karl will be quitting…..not blogging!! SMOKING!! Yep, you heard me! Some of you out there will be joining them in this endeavor. And y’know what I have to say about that?

 FUCK YEAH!!!  YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!  YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

I am a former smoker. And I know it takes a lot of hard work. My Hubs still smokes, that assho–well, this isn’t about him.

It’s about all those who will soon be turning into edgy, bitchy, nasty animals. Nicotine withdrawal is horrible. So bear with them when their posts get nasty. Stand by them when they twitter about how much they want a  smoke in their mouth. And don’t give up on them when their only response to your encouraging comments is “BITE ME!”.

** Seriously, can anyone imagine what it will be like to talk to

Britt and not hear the deep, lung-exploding

inhale???   Me neither! I can hardly wait!!

Really, everyone who is quitting is deserving of my respect. I hope it isn’t too stressful for you. I wish all of you success.

Oh, and if you do succeed?…….I will stick my tongue down your throat, allow you to video it and put it on your blog.  Now go forth and smoke no more!

Here is what happened:

Son2 had gone to see the Warped Tour, an all day music fest of several different groups. He had fun, got very tan, only had two beers (he stuck to water because of the heat) Around 4:00, he was observing the mosh pit.  Someone fell in front of him and he reached down to help him up. As he started to stand up, he was struck in the face by someone else’s forearm.

As blood gushed from his face, he was assisted to the first aid tent where he was told “Dude, it’s broke. You need to get that set.”

At 5:15, I was informed of this facial deformity BY TEXT! I freaked out and waited for him to get home. I saw my baby’s beautiful face which now had a nose pointing to the left. No swelling, no difficulty breathing. But I still said “Dude, it’s broke. You need to get that set.”

 We went to the hospital and waited. And were treated to the mess that was Motormouth Man. (I will tell you all about him when I get home! He is a whole post unto himself!) After an hour and a half in the waiting room, Son2 was taken for x-rays. He returned and hour later. At 11:30 pm, the doctor entered the room and informed us, “Dude, it’s broke.You need to get that set.”

He will join us for the beginning of vacation. Later in the week, he will return with Hubs to see an ear/nose/throat man to have the nose mushed back into place. He informed us that it really looks bad but he is honestly having no pain.

The mosh pit injuries have always been my fear for him. He works out his aggressions there as do countless others. I always tell him “Be careful in the pit” as he leaves the house. I didn’t say it yesterday. (I know!! It’s not my fault!) But according to him, he feels like it’s time to give them up. He wasn’t even in the pit! He was watching, and was in the right place at the right time to help someone else’s child from possible injury. He was being the hero for once. And his nose got broken for his efforts. *Sigh* (I’m still proud of him for that though)

So that was my Friday night. The action never stops over here. Today will be our last chats until next week. I don’t need any more action!

In roughly 44 hours, I’m supposed to be checking into the motel for a week of relaxation. Note-I said supposed to be. Son2 just texted me that while in the mosh pit of the Warped Tour, he had his nose broken.

Me: Are you sure it’s broken?

Him: Mom, I look like fucking Owen Wilson! First Aid said go to the hospital and have it rebroken and set. Will you set it for me?

What the fuck am I?? Florence fucking Nightingale??

Oh yeah…..Son2 is the one with NO INSURANCE!

Update later……

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Nose-fractured. Set?-No. Apparently no one in a hospital knows how to set a broken nose. We are leaving for vacation as planned. Son2 and Hubs will come back early to see an ENT so that he can have the nose set (after the swelling goes down.) What a night!