Okay folks, here are the pictures. I just want to know your opinion of which one looks better.

Dress #1:

Dress#2:

The shoes:

And for Finn…..a glimpse of my gams……

Well? Which one looks the best?

I have a wedding to go to soon. September 5th to be exact. While I am happy for the bride and groom, and the chance to get out with Hubs, I have also been dreading it. Why?

I have to dress “nice”.

I am a jeans and tee shirt girl. I also like sweats. But Metalmom + dresses = hot mess. Usually. I got lucky. This time it won’t be a pitiful sight.

My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD came through for me.

We had planned on dress shopping today. It was a job I dreaded with every atom in my body. I was prepared for disappointment, anger and depression. Instead, when she picked me up, we stopped back at her house to pick up her daughter. “Hey, why don’t you try on the dress I wore to  my nephew’s wedding?” she asked.  Usually this trick doesn’t work. She likes her dresses long and I like mine short. (Hey, I have great legs! I like to show ‘em off!)  She likes browns, tans, and black. I like reds, blues, and even yellow.  She will cover up as much as possible and I will show it all off. We don’t normally agree.

Well, if you knew her, you’d know that we weren’t going to get out of the house until I humored her and tried it on. So we went to her room. She searched the closet for the black dress (I was only marginally interested. I knew it was sexy, but I didn’t think it would fit me.) Guess what? IT DID!!!!  Not only that, but she pulled out another dress for me to try on for shits and giggles. THAT FIT TOO!!

So now I have two dresses to choose from. Yay!

Plus! Just so we didn’t waste the rest of the afternoon, we went to the mall anyway and I found shoes! And other things to wear with the dress (underwear) I was more than happy because I didn’t have to try everything on for her approval.  She is a girly-girl who likes to shop. She loves to try on and she loves to see what I try on. She will go to a bazillion stores just to see what her options are. Not me. So I was blessed that I didn’t have to shop in eight different stores because I “might find something better in store three or five”. I went into store one, found shoes, bought ‘em and walked out. I went into the next store, found a bra that I liked - in my size!- and again, I walked out.

Done! Just like that!

That kind of shit never happens to me. It may take a month of constant searching for me to find something that I can tolerate putting on let alone wear into the public eye. It is a rare thing to find an entire outfit with the minimum of aggravation. You ladies know what I’m talking about.

She’s coming over tomorrow so that she can see the whole shebang. You know, the dress, the shoes, the foundations…. I’ll put them on. Not to humor her this time. This time I’ll try them on like a fashion show so that she can help me choose. Maybe I’ll let her take pictures and I’ll let you guys help me too.

Hmmm…there’s an ideer!

Every year, beginning around March, I begin to spazz over the weight I haven’t been able to shed no matter how hard I try. I spazz because bathing suit weather is around the corner. Normally, there is a cushion involved because we don’t usually vacation until mid- to late August. This year we are going in late July.

AAAHHH!!!!

There is no time to do anything about my predicament. Oh well…..

We put a deposit on the place we are staying at and took a little spin around the area. What I saw made me forget about MY weight.

Did I actually see these particular women? No, but I might as well have. Oh dear God! What makes people think this is okay? Why should boobs spill out of your top? If you are NOT eighteen years old or perky, put that shit away!!!

Does anyone really want to see a woman (or man–you fellas are not immune to this behavior!) lift all of those rolls of fat to apply sunscreen? When you turn around, we DON’T want to see where the good Lord split you!

Hubs and I saw a woman with her four kids crossing the street, looking pretty close to  this. We looked at each other and simultaneously said “Holy Shit!” I almost felt the bile rise in my throat.

I don’t think I will be worried about how I look in a swimsuit this year. Mine will cover my ass. I will not ‘accidently’ pop a titty out of the top. And I will look at these other women and say  “Damn! I look pretty fuckin’ hot compared to her!”

This winter, more than most others in the past, I gained weight. Normally I chalk this up to “hibernation fat”. You know, the kind you get from eating all the stuff that you can bake because it’s cold outside, or the stuff you eat over the holidays.

I tried to be careful over the holidays. Really. I’m not even lying! SHUT UP! SERIOUSLY!

I gravitated towards the veggie trays. I stuck with two cookies instead of a dozen. I drank water–even on the coldest days—instead of hot cocoa.

And yet….

My niece’s graduation party was yesterday. I forgot. My SIL called in the morning to ask for her large cooler (which was in my basement) Oh yeah!! That was today!! We rushed around doing all the errands that we thought we had all day to complete. We got home, and started getting changed to go. Hubs asked me to iron a shirt. No prob. Done in a second.

Since it was hot outside, and it was outdoor party, I went to the storage bin to find my summer clothes. Oh.my.God. I had nothing that fit me. Not one pair of jean shorts, skirt, skort, or sundress. Jesus! When did this shit happen????

The pain in my back had caused me to avoid more activity than usual. Now, I have to pay the piper. I got lucky though. I found one pair of shorts way in the back. I have never worn them because they were given to me by someone who had gotten too big to fit in them. I was ever so saddened by the fact that they fit–albeit tightly.

I am so upset and getting more depressed the more I think about it. I don’t like to get depressed. I am not the type of person who likes to wallow in sadness. I have to find a happy thought so that I can cling tight and avoid going under….

 I just thought of something…SHOPPING!!!!  A whole new wardrobe!!!!  A new look!!!!

 Fuck you! Roll with me on this!!

 PART I

 I have FINALLY gotten the pictures of the Friday Fiasco downloaded. And here we now have the ongong saga of the burn.

This is the sad strap. Near the point of the arrow, we have actual hole. The rest is melted sash. This was  after the strap was fixed.(See the hasty stitches in white?)

This is my lovely daughter Babygirl. Isn’t she beautiful? I love the way she looks when she’s not wearing black Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers and torn jeans. She cleans up well! ( Like her mama!) Just pay no mind to the mess in the background!

And these? This is a picture of the future. It’s so bright ya gotta wear shades!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART II

Good news everybody!  Well, it is for me. Starting next week, the needles into my spine will begin and continue for the following six weeks. Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo!! But I got a promise that since they will be done on Tuesdays, I will be okay to drink myself into a coma, dance on bars, and brawl in the alleys  by the time Friday rolls around! So that means parties with my girls!!! (And you know who you are!!)

It’s that time of year again. Air is fresh, the birds are singing, and a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of…….SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was being serious for a minute!

 Jeez! You guys are awful!

As I was saying….thoughts of PROMS. Tonight, my Babygirl will be headed off to her Soph Hop. She will be the belle of the ball (of course). She picked out and bought the dress herself and I must say, that she did an incredible job of it!

In a few more weeks, she will attend her friend’s Junior Prom. And then a few weeks after that she will go to Handsome’s Senior Prom. Whew! I haven’t seen a social calendar like that since “Gone With The Wind”!

I know that a few of you have kids the same age. Even some of the younger kids now have 8th Grade dances and ‘Spring Flings”.  The bottom line is this-

Watch out for the kids on the roads for the next few weekends. For some this is the first ‘big’ night with mom or dad’s car. This is the first ‘adult’ occasion for them. So be extra careful as you pull out onto the highways. Be a little patient as the young drivers take their time through intersections.

And may everyone have fun and be safe.

On Friday, I took the trip to the art museum. This was a great experience and I really enjoyed every minute of it. If you ever have an opportunity to go to an art museum, I highly recommend having a personal tour guide (Or are they called ‘docents’?) They are trained to point out details that you wouldn’t ordinarily look for and they also know random facts that are quite interesting. I learned that this painting by Salvador Dali:

 Soft Construction with Boiled Beans-Premonition of Civil War

was a depiction of the Spanish Civil War-even though there isn’t an outright illustration of war in it. I learned that Japanese tea houses had short doors so that guests were forced to enter on their hands and knees in order to show respect. And I learned that no matter how roomy and comfortable your chic boots are, DO NOT WEAR THEM ON A CLASS TRIP! (I dealt with blisters on my poor feet.)

I also learned that Babygirl is a fan of Andy Warhol, and more of the photographic arts. She gets along with her peers and a certain guy in her class makes puppy eyes at her whenever he thinks she is not looking. I learned that her teacher respects her opinions and thinks that she is very talented in her creative writing.(Just like her momma!!)

And finally, I learned that leaving the puppy in the care of Son2 for the day, does not mean that he will miss me any less. I walked in the door and he damned near killed me trying to get me to rub his neck! (The puppy-not my son!)

On Saturday, I learned that cleaning up my computer isn’t necessarily a good thing. Now I am not recognized by a few of my favorite sites. I will have this situation remedied some time this week. (It’s killing me-now I have to talk to Hubs!) However, I can get into my blogs and email alot faster and I can stay on with fewer crashes!! YAY!

So that’s what I learned. All in all, it was a good couple of days.  What did you do?

Deep breath.

I did laundry today. No big deal right?  I didn’t have a lot to do, maybe three loads. So I did some towels, some whites and a load of darks. Only I did the darks first.

Son1, the clothes horse, has an awesome navy blue zip-front sweater that looks dynamite on him. He wore it for Easter. The last time I washed it, it aggravated me and I told him to hand wash it. I forgot about that. I looked at the label today and it says “machine washable-like colors” So I did. Here’s the aggravation: It sheds lint. Not just a spot or two. Huge balls of black fluff the size of a golf ball!

It was everywhere in that load of laundry. I shook out the first tee shirt and lint flew everywhere in my basement. It landed on my peach colored blouse, a load of whites, and all over my hair. Now I was annoyed. I took out the next shirt, and shook that too. Now there is more lint blowing around and the breeze has blown the first batch even further around! Now I am angry.

I took the tee shirts to the dryer and out of the corner of my eye, I see that I am being followed by a black thing moving very quickly. A FUCKING SPIDER!!! I scream and scamper away and it is still following me! I jump into a chair that is down there and look down.

It’s a fucking ball of lint. It had been carried on the breeze that I caused just walking. Now I am PISSED!!!

I stalked upstairs-all the while saying some words that could have me excommunicated as a Catholic! As I turn to close the basement door, I notice that there are black lint footprints that I have brought up on the soles of my socks. Not only that but it is stuck to the legs of my jeans from the knees down!!

Later, I take the second load of clothes out of the washer. This would be the towels. They too are covered in lint.

Why does this shit happen to me? All I wanted to do was wash a couple of loads of laundry. For once I wasn’t complaining about doing my kids’ laundry. I actually OFFERED! The best of intentions and all that shit! I think God is just fucking with me. I think He is toying with me. He is giving me a bunch of petty aggravations and soon He will bless me with something cool to compensate for such pranks.

Right, God?……. Right? ……

Where’s Ashton Kutcher?

What is freewriting? Freewriting is writing whatever comes to mind, usually writing for a predetermined amount of time without regard to spelling, grammar, structure, etc. and no editing is done. We have chosen five minutes for right now, we will add or subtract from that in the weeks to come as we see fit.

Make sure you visit everyone else who is doing freewrite. They have a few odd thoughts drop out of their brains too!

I went to the doctors tonight (jsut for bloodwork) and I almost fainted from the needle. Isn’t that weird? I’bve never donte that before.the doctor said it was because of the fasting. Other than the fasting I lost 2 ounds.. that make a total of 4 in the last month or so. YaY! Wow! I need a manicure so bad. My cuticles are shitty. My skin is dry too. I’ll put the lotion on my skin later. I need the prescription on my glasses changed. I see better with no lenses! My nipple itches and it’s driving me crazy. I keep scratching it and Hubs is just watching. what a pig! What’s up with the weather? Today it was warm again. That’s okay. I like my sweater. It’s comfy and I’ll miss it when it gets too warmto wear it. OMG! I almost forgot! Guess waht! I looked out the window today and saw

Well that was my five for this week. That was cathartic. I’m starting to enjoy dumping the detritus from between my ears! Try it!!

Other participants are:                                                                                                          

Finn, Shelli,  Randi, Shortie, trishk, the Absurdist, and Stacy. Did I leave you off the list? Let me know!! I’ll be sure to link you!

I have a question. Maybe some of you ladies might have an answer.

I am looking for shoes. Not just any shoes, CUTE shoes.   I have sneakers, designed for walking. I wear these almost all day. But they aren’t CUTE. I have high heels.   Stiletto heels and not so stiletto heels. Two inches high to four inches high. All of which are very cute but not very practical. I’m looking for something in between.   You see, for some reason, a higher heel tilts my pelvis (or is it my hips?) in such a way that is very comfortable to my back. Isn’t that weird? I wore a pair of heels on the day I toured Philadelphia with Lostmahead and Teri.   I was feeling great all day! But in my house, after a day of cleaning and chasing around Joslyn, my feet and back are beat.

So…..there you have it.   Maybe a sturdy wedge?  Not too dressy looking and nothing fugly or,   God forbid, ORTHOPEDIC! Just something that I can wear with jeans to go to the store or around the corner. Is there an alternative? HELP!

Maybe……..is there a nice, strong man willing to carry me around on his back all day? I’d make you cookies………!