Monday March 22nd 2010, 7:17 PM
Filed under: fantasy,fashion,other shit


Foolishness

For the last few weeks, I have noticed that the female newscasters have had a tendency to wear purple. Every shade from the deepest violet to the palest lavender is used in blouses, dresses, sweaters,vests, and suit jackets. I asked if anyone else seemed to notice this and instead of an answer, I got declarations of how much folks liked the color purple.

That was so not the point.  Anyway….During the course of the discussion, someone  mentioned that the 80’s were making a fashion comeback.

DEAR GOD!! SAY IT ISN’T SO!!!

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Didn’t we learn our lessons the first time? Don’t you remember how your feet sweat in these??

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NO ONE looked good like this–Not even the hookers!

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And if a guy looking like this came up to you and asked you out…..seriously, you’d die of laughter and turn him away….unless it was “Retro Night” at the local bar!

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Jeebus!!! Is he wearing huarachi sandals???

With all the talk about ‘being green’ and the ‘ozone layer’ and stuff, do we really want to bring this back?

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The only place this ‘do belongs is on the “Jersey Shore”!

 





Friday January 29th 2010, 11:10 AM
Filed under: fantasy,fashion,HOT,ineptitude,lessons


Man, I Feel Like A Woman

I awoke to sound of a man’s voice. (Hey, I’m leaving now *kiss*  The tax papers are on the desk.)

I then stretched langorously, ready to ease myself into my day. (Where’s that remote? Oh, under my butt…)

I watched tv for a few minutes but was lured by the aroma of coffee into the kitchen. (Mmm. I hope they left me a cup…DAMN! tantalized again!)

I took a moment to gather my breakfast, eager to sit and enjoy the silence. (Eggs sound good…Crap! They used the skillet and no one washed it yet! Cereal then. With barely enough milk to moisten the shredded wheat.)

As I settled  into my chair, the phone rang. Perhaps a friend wants to have lunch? (Hello, this is Susan from the CVS. Your prescription is now ready to be picked up.) I returned to my seat and began to eat,(Mmm…sodden wheat!)

I did some laundry and decided to walk on my treadmill. I will start to prepare for summer. I will walk longer than I did yesterday. I will even add a few situps! (*gasp* Only three minutes? HOW FAR??? *gasp* Omg. My boobs are sweating so bad! *wheeze* If I die now, no one will find me for another 7 hours! Fuck the situps!)

A shower is incredible when you know that the entire house is empty. I can shave, suds myself up, moisturize…truly take the time to pamper myself. Ahh, hot water! This shampoo smells sooo good. (*SPLAT* What the– Bandit! What the hell are you doing in here?! Get out! Ow-ow-ow-ow!! SOAP IN MY EYES!!)

I resigned myself to cutting the shower short. I will simply settle for giving myself a mani/pedi. I gather my polish, clippers and pumice to begin. I sit on the couch (In the spot that Bandit chose to lay in while he was dripping from the shower!!)

I will NOT let this get to me. I return to my polish. My toes look cute. (*blurgh, BLURG* OMG! BANDIT! DON’T PUKE!!)

Rushing to grab a towel, I hit my toe on the table, I grab the towel, catch the puke, smear the polish off of three fingers, notice that the polish has toppled onto the table and is rolling toward the edge. I rescue the bottle, and end up sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

My life is too fucking glamorous for words.

 

 





Monday January 11th 2010, 11:31 AM
Filed under: fashion,happy,other shit


The Nicest Cut of All…

At nine days into the new year, I made a New Year’s Resolution.  Normally, I try not to make one because I usually fail to keep them. But this one might be different.

Babygirl has been saying that she needed to get her hair trimmed. She’s eighteen and at that age, you always have an opinion on your looks, so I heard it, but didn’t pay too much attention. Her boyfriend is still on winter break, so they made plans to get haircuts on Saturday.

I was also bitching about my hair. It is d-a-m-a-g-e-d! I color my hair myself and I abuse it with a straightener. The heat dries it out, and so I over-condition it too. During one of my many complaints, she said “Why not come with us.”

Now, I would have said no, what with not wanting to be a ‘third wheel’ but I needed help that the local salon wasn’t able to give (It’s the type of salon that tints the old ladies’ hair blue and gives them a set on Fridays) Besides, not being a girly-girl, I only go to the salon and get it trimmed once a year.It was long overdue and I jumped at the chance.

edward aux mains d'argent

I met Matt, who said “Girlfriend, you have some serious hair! Tell me about it!” And I did. I explained the damage and also filled him in on other details. My hair has cowlicks all over and only half of my hair will hold a curl.(Hence the straightener). He stood back and began…

Have you seen “Edward Scissorhands”? Remember the scene where he styled the dogs and the neighborhood women? Well, that’s what it looked like. Snip, snip, snip went those skilled hands and the scissors. My hair began to disappear one inch at a time.

Matt took off six inches and worked with every cowlick on my head. He found a way to disguise the thinning spot on top. He did everything I had been asking stylists to do for years!!

To say that I am happy is an understatement. I didn’t expect to get results like this from a place called “Quick Clips”

And so, my friends, my New Year’s Resolution is this:

I intend to treat my hair better, use the products that I need to use, and go visit Matt and have him help me maintain…..more than just once a year!!

me 





Monday June 01st 2009, 9:55 AM
Filed under: Anger,fashion,ineptitude,Monday,pets


Face Plant

This morning before I got into the shower, I laid my clothes out on my bed. My jeans and a blouse, socks and a bra, and a pair of panties (because it’s not Commando Friday). As I was stepping from the shower, the phone rang. So I ran, still dripping wet, into my room to answer it. It was a motherfucking service call from the cable company!!  “No I don’t want any additional channels!!!”  I was so angry! I snatched the panties and shoved my feet into it and…..almost fucking killed myself. No, they weren’t my panties. They were my daughter’s. I got them as far as my knees and then….slowly I began to tilt forward… I was falling!  I turned to the bed and managed a not-so-lovely face plant onto my dog’s spread-eagled crotch.

Because of course he was on my bed in the most comfy position he could manage.

Oh, and did I mention? I fucking love Monday mornings!!

dsc00029dog





Thursday May 07th 2009, 7:29 PM
Filed under: celebration,fashion,happy


Boulder Holders

I went shopping the other day …… for bras.

For me, it joins the ranks of shopping for jeans or the dreaded bathing suit. But I needed new ones, so I had to behave like the grownup I am rumored to be.

I went through the lingerie department, past the frilly tiny panties, the pretty flowery bras and cammies to the back… the last aisle ….. to the “big girl” bras. There they were. All of them looking heavy duty, like they were ready for serious business. Where were the cute ones? Where were the ones suitable for wearing with a plunging neckline? I dug through the racks, looking at tag after tag for the elusive rarety….MY SIZE.

With a heavy sigh, I went to “the drawers”. This is where they keep the bras that have numbers higher than 38, or double digits like DD. I looked at the boxes wishing for one with a hint of lace.

And there it was….the Holy Grail of bras…..MY size, WITH a plunge, WITH support, and WITHOUT 6″ wide straps! And what is this? Another! And Another! I had hit the motherlode. But I knew from previous experience, that labels and tags lie. So I picked up an armload of bras and went to the dreaded dressing room.

I took off my shirt and bra and sadly watched as my breasteses fell, almost to my knees. I scooped them up and cradled them into the cups.

Oh myGod! It fit! So I held my breath and tried the next one. It fit too!! I managed to find several, but I settled on three. They would hold me over (pun intended) for a few months.

boobs

I wore one today. My blouse looked great on me. I used to hate the way it hung on me. Today, it was filled out…..with my boobs!  I found myself looking down to see my cleavage with a fascination that I haven’t had since high school. Even while typing out this post I am looking. I leaned far back on my couch to proofread what was in front of me and noticed that I had to look over the mountains of flesh. They were no longer in my armpits.

I know this is all a bit more information than I usually give on this blog, but I can’t contain myself. I am bursting with joy. My cup  is no longer overflowing.

I’m going to end this right now. I think I’m going to fondle these puppies just bit longer.  :d





Sunday February 22nd 2009, 10:42 PM
Filed under: fashion,Monday,weather


Monday Moaning-I Got Cut

I had been putting off getting my hair cut. I truly needed it. I had split ends from here to eternity, so I asked my Hubs to trim it. I couldn’t find the scissors. When I did find them, I was sober so Hubs didn’t get to do it. But one afternoon, I let Lostmahead do it. It wasn’t perfectly straight but it was trimmed.

Then Babygirl decided to get her hair cut and she made an appointment for me at the same time. I met her at the salon and she went first. Of course she looked cute. Her waves went the way they were supposed to. It was soft, it was shiny. Then it was my turn. I wanted my hair to frame my face. I wanted it to be three inches shorter. But I didn’t want my cowlick to show. Deb did a great job.There was no sign of cowlick anywhere. It came out better than I had imagined it. I was so super happy! I felt sexy!

Then I went outside and began the walk home.

The wind blew directly into my face. My bangs blew straight up and back. It like the scene in “Something About Mary”. The cowlick was there–front and center! All of my soft waves were gone. I got home and tried to run a brush through my hair. The static made it even worse. It looks nothing like it did earlier.

It never does. What’s up with that shit?

I turned my brush in the same direction Deb did! I flipped the sides in the same direction that she did too. I moussed. I sprayed.

It still doesn’t look the same.

But I still like it.





Sunday December 07th 2008, 12:18 PM
Filed under: contest,desire,fashion,miscellaneous


Heathers

There is another contest out there in the blogosphere, and it involves one of the iconic movies of the eighties…..”Heathers”.

Ah, Christian Slater as the psycho-cool JD , Winona Ryder as Veronica and the wardrobe. Yes, I include the wardrobe as another of the ‘stars’ because DAMN! Who can forget the ankle socks with heels? Or the trendy hats? And lets not forget the shoulders that were padded from here to eternity!

I loved this movie because I had a hot crush on Slater and girl-crush on Winona. And besides that, they were doing what I always wanted to do….dishing it up to the asshole ‘A-list girls’. It was such a shame that Veronica started to grow a conscience!

My favorite line from the movie was when Veronica got sick at the party and spewed. She told Heather to “Lick it up, baby. Lick.It.Up!” I must have said that for a year after that. I still use it every now and then.

Anyway, if you visit here, you can have a chance to win the Limited Edition Box Set of the movie “Heathers”. You really should do it. And if you aren’t into “Heathers”? Do it anyway. Christmas is closing in and I’m sure you want to send it to Metalmom. Or maybe send it for her birthday in February……I can wait!





Tuesday November 11th 2008, 8:33 PM
Filed under: assholes,fashion,kids,lessons,questions


Girls

They stand center stage

Golden hair, perfect smiles

The hottest clothes fit the hottest bodies

And the boys watch.

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She walks alone

praying no one makes eye contact.

Her lackluster hair hangs over her acned face

She travels the periphery

And no one notices.

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The same halls

the same classmates

the same books

What makes them so different?

When did the change occur?

When will it no longer matter?





Wednesday August 20th 2008, 8:07 PM
Filed under: fashion,other shit,survey


Rock the Vote

Okay folks, here are the pictures. I just want to know your opinion of which one looks better.

Dress #1:

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Dress#2:

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The shoes:

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And for Finn…..a glimpse of my gams……

 

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Well? Which one looks the best?





Tuesday August 19th 2008, 9:24 PM
Filed under: fashion,Friends,happy,love


Dressin’ Up Purty

I have a wedding to go to soon. September 5th to be exact. While I am happy for the bride and groom, and the chance to get out with Hubs, I have also been dreading it. Why?

I have to dress “nice”.

I am a jeans and tee shirt girl. I also like sweats. But Metalmom + dresses = hot mess. Usually. I got lucky. This time it won’t be a pitiful sight.

My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD came through for me.

We had planned on dress shopping today. It was a job I dreaded with every atom in my body. I was prepared for disappointment, anger and depression. Instead, when she picked me up, we stopped back at her house to pick up her daughter. “Hey, why don’t you try on the dress I wore to  my nephew’s wedding?” she asked.  Usually this trick doesn’t work. She likes her dresses long and I like mine short. (Hey, I have great legs! I like to show ’em off!)  She likes browns, tans, and black. I like reds, blues, and even yellow.  She will cover up as much as possible and I will show it all off. We don’t normally agree.

Well, if you knew her, you’d know that we weren’t going to get out of the house until I humored her and tried it on. So we went to her room. She searched the closet for the black dress (I was only marginally interested. I knew it was sexy, but I didn’t think it would fit me.) Guess what? IT DID!!!!  Not only that, but she pulled out another dress for me to try on for shits and giggles. THAT FIT TOO!!

So now I have two dresses to choose from. Yay!

Plus! Just so we didn’t waste the rest of the afternoon, we went to the mall anyway and I found shoes! And other things to wear with the dress (underwear) I was more than happy because I didn’t have to try everything on for her approval.  She is a girly-girl who likes to shop. She loves to try on and she loves to see what I try on. She will go to a bazillion stores just to see what her options are. Not me. So I was blessed that I didn’t have to shop in eight different stores because I “might find something better in store three or five”. I went into store one, found shoes, bought ’em and walked out. I went into the next store, found a bra that I liked – in my size!- and again, I walked out.

Done! Just like that!

That kind of shit never happens to me. It may take a month of constant searching for me to find something that I can tolerate putting on let alone wear into the public eye. It is a rare thing to find an entire outfit with the minimum of aggravation. You ladies know what I’m talking about.

She’s coming over tomorrow so that she can see the whole shebang. You know, the dress, the shoes, the foundations…. I’ll put them on. Not to humor her this time. This time I’ll try them on like a fashion show so that she can help me choose. Maybe I’ll let her take pictures and I’ll let you guys help me too.

Hmmm…there’s an ideer!