I wanted to post something frivolous, but instead my brain was bombarded with questions that just keep swirling round and round…….

Why do families go crazy with greed when it comes to inheritance? Not just monetary greed, either. Some people seem to think that their memories of the deceased are more important than someone else’s.

Why does a daughter with no sons need a man’s cuff links or tie pin? Shouldn’t they be given to someone who will use them? Just because a son doesn’t have a curio cabinet, does that mean he is not entitled to have some of his mother’s collectable knick-knacks?

Why is it considered wrong for someone to throw their hands up and decide that rather than fight with their siblings, they would prefer to sell something and split the money with their vultures family even though it will cause temporary hardship to themself?

Why is it acceptable for four people to decide what should be done for six? Do the other two get no opinion? Maybe they are the two who have been run over all of their lives by the bulldozers of the dominant personalities…..or maybe they just missed ‘that meeting’.

I am disappointed in my in-laws. As close and loving as they been on the surface, suddenly true colors are being seen.

Today I realized that  I have bounced. Not the straightforward, up/down bounce, but more like the “bounced off a pebble and skewed off to the left” kind of bounce.

The guys returned to work and I have Son1’s girl, J, here with me. Laundry is getting done, clothes are folded and are making it into the drawers, and other signs of routine are beginning to unfold. But it’s not the same.

We’ve spent the past week or so with family. Some traveled up here from Maryland and Florida and others have traveled down from State College. Weddings and funerals as the saying goes…..

Hub’s routine will slowly change. He can’t pop in to see Dad before or after work. Dad always felt like part of the business when Hubs described the  day-to-day grind and when he mentioned the names of the builders that Dad had done business with.

My routine is easier to get back into. The kids take my mind off of things. The little chores can be done with little thought.But still, the mind tends to wander…

My husband lost his father and best friend. It has been devastating to watch.

I, on the other hand, still have both of my parents. My paternal grandfather died when I was nine. I really didn’t understand. My paternal grandmother is still alive. She will be 96 this year.My maternal grandparents lived to the ages of 103 and 105. I met them only once in my life.

As I tried to comfort my children, I never said that “I know how you feel”. I don’t. They were incredibly close to their grandparents. I cannot imagine.

When my own parents die, will I be able to bounce ever again? As much as I can’t stand Mom’s attitude sometimes, she is still MOM. I dread seeing my Dad live without her. I would miss my Dad horribly. He understands me deeper than I think I understand myself. What would I do without him? What would Mom do without him?

Losing someone is like opening a gate into the mind. The ‘what ifs’ come forward begging to be considered. The fears hidden in the deepest recesses catch a glimpse of light and are visible. I feel like a child in the middle of the night, wondering what is lurking behind the closet door.

It is scary.

A few months ago, I asked for your strength and you guys came through with gallons. I will need to go to the well once more.

My father-in -law has been in the hospital since before Father’s Day. There are so many medical issues going on with him that there is no way for me to get into it all. But I need to share this.

Dad has gotten to the point where medicine cannot help him, other than to keep him comfortable. The hospital has declared him stable and wants him released to a nursing home or to private in-home nursing care. Neither of these things will last long because his heart is also failing. This means that we’d have to call 911 repeatedly and have him returned to the hospital over and over.

Therefore, he is coming home today. He is stopping his dialysis. His doctors are giving him two weeks (that is optimistic) We are hoping that it will only be for a weekend. I can’t bear for it to take much longer than that.

I love him. As simple as that. I am crying as I type these words. I need to hold up my husband. I need to hold up my children.

I need you to hold me up.

 Thank you.

May 12,1937-June 22,2008

This winter, more than most others in the past, I gained weight. Normally I chalk this up to “hibernation fat”. You know, the kind you get from eating all the stuff that you can bake because it’s cold outside, or the stuff you eat over the holidays.

I tried to be careful over the holidays. Really. I’m not even lying! SHUT UP! SERIOUSLY!

I gravitated towards the veggie trays. I stuck with two cookies instead of a dozen. I drank water–even on the coldest days—instead of hot cocoa.

And yet….

My niece’s graduation party was yesterday. I forgot. My SIL called in the morning to ask for her large cooler (which was in my basement) Oh yeah!! That was today!! We rushed around doing all the errands that we thought we had all day to complete. We got home, and started getting changed to go. Hubs asked me to iron a shirt. No prob. Done in a second.

Since it was hot outside, and it was outdoor party, I went to the storage bin to find my summer clothes. Oh.my.God. I had nothing that fit me. Not one pair of jean shorts, skirt, skort, or sundress. Jesus! When did this shit happen????

The pain in my back had caused me to avoid more activity than usual. Now, I have to pay the piper. I got lucky though. I found one pair of shorts way in the back. I have never worn them because they were given to me by someone who had gotten too big to fit in them. I was ever so saddened by the fact that they fit–albeit tightly.

I am so upset and getting more depressed the more I think about it. I don’t like to get depressed. I am not the type of person who likes to wallow in sadness. I have to find a happy thought so that I can cling tight and avoid going under….

 I just thought of something…SHOPPING!!!!  A whole new wardrobe!!!!  A new look!!!!

 Fuck you! Roll with me on this!!

We remember DJ and New York City’s Watchdog.

Hug your kids extra tight.

I am sending out prayers and positive thoughts to you…..

Those who are worried about your  distant families ….

Those who are praying that the rivers rise no higher…..

Those who are suffering from a broken heart…..

Those who are in a dark place and see no lights……

Those who are worried about a child born too soon and one who is gravely ill….

Those who are awaiting the results…..

Those who already know the diagnosis……

Those who are praying for a job and those who need to keep the one they’ve got…..

Those of us who feel helpless because all we can do is hope and pray for you.

I love you all and when I say I am thinking of you or that you are in my prayers, I hope you know that I mean it with every fiber of my being.

I’ve been scratching my head alot lately, and NO! I don’t have lice! I’ve been watching the news.

*Nine year old kids are plotting to kill their teacher because one of them got corrected.

*Teenage girls beating up another because they want to put a video on YouTube. They want the attention.

*Olympic torch bearers are being beaten and trampled during what is probably the proudest moment of their lives. Not because of something that they did, but to make a point to someone who doesn’t give a shit.

I certainly understand the outrage over the conflict between the government of China and the Dali Lama. We as human beings must not tolerate these atrocities, or our acceptance makes us accomplices to this behavior. However, does that justify jumping a torch bearer? These are Americans on American soil who are being pushed down to the ground. These are Americans doing the pushing in order to make a point. Do the Chinese really give a shit? No. I think they are sitting back watching and laughing at the anarchy they are causing worldwide. We should find another way–a more peaceful way– of making our disapproval known.

And these children…What makes them think this behavior is okay? I blame the parents for not teaching right from wrong. I blame them for not knowing what is going on in their homes while they are not there. I know that you can’t be everywhere all the time. I know that kids do things all the time that their parents are not aware of. But they need to be taught and punished for what they do. These kids get no consequences for their actions.

I also blame television. I blame the “adults” who are shown on TV, beating an innocent person in an attempt to get attention. These are the “adults” setting the examples. These are the people showing us that this is the way to make a point.

When the news is over, do you shut off the television and and go about your evening? Or do you sit with your kids and tell them that not all adults act this way. Do you tell them that you agree with the message but not the way that the point is being made?

Or are we all going to hell in the proverbial handbasket?

Recession has come to the Metalmom house.

Hubs usually leaves the house at 7am for a workday that runs until 7pm. During the winter months, work tends to slow down, but as soon as the ground thaws, it picks up again. After March, we see very little of him. People need their air conditioning installed, pool lights added and deck lights installed in anticipation of the summer.

Today, he was home until 11:30. I expect him home around 3. The billing that we managed to write up came nowhere near covering the billing that we have coming in. One employee will be asked to sign up for unemployment benefits. Son2 is taking alot of extra hours at his second job. Son1 has already asked us if there is any way that we can use him because his work is suffering too.

As electricians, our jobs depend on people building homes. Not only that, but even if they are only buying an existing home, there is usually alot that they want added in these homes. With the economy the way it is, there is no new building going on. More houses are in foreclosure than there are for sale. Things are getting shaky fast.

I am not the type of person who pays attention to the stock market reports, but this morning, I overheard that the numbers were up. I have to admit, my heart skipped a beat. The reporter said this was a good sign. But is it good enough? God, I hope so!

I know there are others worse off than we are. I can’t imagine how they will make ends meet either. Even though the summer is coming and with it, more kids to watch, I know that it still won’t be enough to cover all of our bills. Will I have to work outside of the home? I have very few marketable skills. It is a scary thought. And if I do get a job, what happens when I tell the moms that they will have to find childcare elsewhere? They aren’t paying a whole lot now because they can’t afford it. That’s why I am in great demand as a sitter. What do I tell these low-income women and single moms? My heart breaks at the thought.

This isn’t a very upbeat post, but it is what’s on my mind. It gives me a headache to ponder the state of the nation. So I’m using this forum as something I’ve always considered blogs to be–a place to discuss topics, vent emotions, and to talk to friends. Do I expect answers? No. Are there solutions? Probably not until  the politicians get their shit together.

But I’m sitting here, with a cup of tea. And I’m telling my friends what’s going on in my life.

To all of my Fanfuckintastic friends:

You have no idea of the emotions I felt reading your responses to yesterday’s post. Your kind words mean the world to me. I don’t intend to post a blow by blow account of what is happening here. I will keep that close until the appropriate time.

When we went to see Dad last night, we were fully expecting to say our goodbyes. Dad had been in heart failure at one point but managed to pull through. With the weakened condition of his ravaged body, we don’t expect that to happen too many more times. When we arrived at the hospital, however, he was sitting up, eating his dinner and knew who we were. But it was clear that all wasn’t well. He thought we were all on vacation in Florida, and that there were spiders in his room. While we were ecstatic to see this, the emotional toll of doing a complete about-face was almost too much for me.

This was when I lost my shit. I damn near collapsed outside of Dad’s room when we were leaving.This was what became too much for Hubs to bear.

My family and I are doing the best we can in this situation. Life goes on as we all know. I did manage to slip away for a minute or two here and there and I did visit a few of you (although I may not have commented.) When I did stop here, I was warmed repeatedly by your encouraging thoughts.

I will be printing up my comment page and carrying it in my pocket. That way all I have to do is to unfold it to receive your virtual hugs. EVERY SINGLE ONE IS APPRECIATED!

All I can say is “Thank you all so very, very much. 

PS: Grant, your comment was such a deviation from the norm that I almost peed my pants! I desperately needed a laugh and you provided one! Thanks!