Let’s try something new. I’m just not feeling the “bitch”, but it is Monday and I need something to moan about….

Things that make me moan….

A nibble on the neck while I am washing dishes or cooking dinner…….A nice soapy washcloth rubbed down my back in the shower(and you know I can’t reach my back by myself!)……A hot cup of tea on a really cold day ….. A wonderful kiss on the lips (you choose which ones!) …..

Sunshine coming in my windows before I am ready to wake up….Realizing that I have no idea what to write a post about……Cramps…..Watching a movie that I don’t like (for the 47th time ) just to spend time with Hubs…..

Creme Brulee…..Dark chocolate truffles……Settling into a nice, hot bubble bath….A great foot rub…..Walking into air conditioning after a long, hot workout…..A massage…

What do you have that makes you moan?

Sorry guys, this is for the ladies……..shoo…….really……okay girls, remove your tops….GUYS! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!

No, seriously, I’ve got something to share with you and I’m so excited about it, I’m typing this post in my pajamas, at 8:00 in the morning, instead of showering and getting ready for the baby to get dropped off!

My friend Lorelai (you may have noticed her name in the comments) has relaunched her blog. (I’m so excited that I can’t type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts!) It is still being called High Heels and Hairspray , but…..this is a big but(in a good way)…she is now “writing what she knows”. What she knows is this…style, fashion, beauty…FROM THE INSIDE OF THE BUSINESS! Holy shit ladies! Do you realize what this means? Instead of talking to the ditzy girl behind the Clinique counter, who only wants to make a sale, we can ask Lorelai her opinions.If she doesn’t have the answer, I’m sure she knows someone who does!

I have hair issues. I have cowlicks all over. I want a new hairstyle. I’d like color ideas. I logged in there 30 minutes ago and found news I could use. What the best dyes are and how to find the right stylist. I am excited to use what I’ve learned–AND THIS WAS HER FIRST POST!

I want to ask fashion questions. I want to be the woman in the fashions ads that come to my house (okay, they are Lane Bryant ads, but still…) Ask her a question, maybe you’ll get an unexpected idea!

My fingers are cramping from the fervor with which I’ve typed this post! Go over there and visit her. She is currently planning on posting  three or four days a week, but that’s more than enough for her to start with! I’D NEVER LIE!!!

And Lorelai…..Keep up with it! Women need your kind of encouragement and men all over will thank you when they have hot wives (except the guys who end up divorced because their wives have found someone who appreciates the extra efforts made by their women!)

Would ya lookit that?  Oh Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!  It’s hard to believe it was once like that in almost every household. Want in on a secret? I bought into that shit. *GASP* Yes, it’s true.

When I got married as a pretty lil eighteen year old girl, I was so happy that we had our own apartment. I liked to wake up in the morning,throw up, make a pot of coffee,throw up, wake up Hubs, and sometimes please him before throwing up again.(I was pregnant). Anyway, I’d make him a lunch and send him out the door and got down to what I thought was my fairy tale life.

I made the bed, did the dishes and vacuumed the floors. I can remember the flutter in my chest as it got  closer to the time he would come home. I was happy that my home was clean, and a good meal was cooking in the oven.

Now, he’s lucky if I roll over to kiss him at 6am when he leaves. I look at the dishes and say “fuck that!” I put them in the dishwasher for later. The baby tears the house apart before he gets home, and runs me ragged. My hair is a mess and I hope to God I remembered deodorant this day. Come 8pm, he’s ready for bed and I’m ready for a much-needed shower.

“Come over here and give me a kiss.”  OMG! “My breath stinks! Let me brush first!” “I don’t care. I want a kiss now. We’ll take care of other business after the shower!” He gets a quick peck and I run into the shower.

Jesus! My heart is fluttering like an 18 year old girl’s just thinking of kissing my husband. yup….he’s still got it!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Can I stay with one of you guys? Seriously. Not my family-just me.I really need a break! I’ll cook for you….NO I WON’T! And let me tell you WHY!!

I am retarded and I have no hands. I am currently having trouble wiping my own ass! Let me splain…..

Monday, my wonderful, handsome Son1 decided to give his pug, Maggie a bath in MY shower.Nice, right? It gets better. She proceeds to jump all over not one, but two living room sofas. (both navy blue) DOG.HAIR.EVERYWHERE! To say I was pissed is an understatement! As he cleaned my bathroom,(you didn’t think I would do it) I was furiously brushing the  hair off the furniture.

“Fucking dog! Leaving hair everywhere! GET OFF MY COUCH!!” As I brushed the hair to the floor, my hand slipped and hit the coffee table….jamming my ring finger. OUCH! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!  I believe the tip of  my finger is broken. I couldn’t even flip off Son1 who thought the profanity coming out of my mouth was funny!

TIME WARP-Wednesday night. I am making dinner. As I carried a loaf pan filled with meatloaf (and bubbling grease) to the counter, my potholder shifted. My thumb was pressed against a 350 degree ceramic dish! FUCK ME!! I tried to shift it to my other hand….COCK SUCKER!!! I just jammed the previously mentioned finger into the side of the dish! So I promptly dropped BOILING GREASE into a sink full of WATER!  MOTHERFUCKER!! OW! OW!OW! SONOFABITCH!!!  As the grease splattered, I jumped out of the way, and stubbed my toe on the cabinet.

Now I am sitting on the floor cradling my two wounded hands across my chest and I can’t even reach a napkin to  wipe the snot off my face. In comes my hero. Hubs surveys the damage to the kitchen and his dinner. Then he helps me up. “What the hell did you do? I think you made the kids next door cry with all that screaming!” I lifted my hands and sobbed out an explanation.To which he said-and I quote-”Well hurry up and slice the meat, I have to leave in 10 minutes.”  I SHIT YOU NOT!! 

Needless to say, My manly men fed themselves, cleaned up and are steering a wide path around me. Assholes.

And me?….I’m OK. I’ll live. And since I’m avoiding all of them, I hid out on the computer-typing out my tale of woe to you, my dear friends, with only two index fingers. And I ask again…Can I stay with you?

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This last thing is for Suzi-Who came here in search of rampaging baboons- I DELIVER, BABY!

With summer coming to a close, I started to remember what it was like as a kid. It’s a different ball game these days. I began to feel really OLD!

 My mom would get us up early on some days and take us for a walk to the local store to buy something to cook for dinner. In that little strip of stores, we got to stop in the  5&10.(Anyone remember those?) We got to drool over the toys that cost $1-$5 (Only drool, because-say it with me- YOU DON’T WANT IT, AND YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT!) We watched the little turtles and the goldfish. After mom got her stuff, we got water ice. (AKA”snow cones”) We’d sit on the curb and finish them and then begin the long walk home. It wasn’t really long. It just seemed that  way because it was SO HOT!

She’d get the four of us home and we’d turn on the FAN. Jeez, it only blew the hot air around! She would cook dinner then so that when Dad got home the oven wasn’t on and the house was ‘cooler’. We kids would amuse ourselves by beating each other up and getting cups of water to spit at each other. (NOW I realize why mom used to get so pissed!) We’d read and count the minutes until mom’s soaps were over so that we could watch cartoons. (We only had *GASP* one TV!)

After dinner, mom turned us loose on the neighbors. Since we lived in row homes, in front of EVERYONE’S houses was our playground. The grown-ups sat on their steps smoking, yelling at us to let the little ones play. And then it got dark.

We’d catch lightning bugs, and then play monsters. The little kids would cry and the older ones would start the REAL game-flashlight tag! The mosquitos would chew us up, but we didn’t care. It was an adventure to be out in the dark!

Then mom would call in. (AWW,MOOOOM!!) We’d get our baths, and go to the hot little boxes that  were our bedrooms. Somehow we managed to sleep, two to a bed, sweating little bodies trying hard not to touch each other. And then we’d sleep.

We didn’t have A/C, more than one TV, ipods, computers or video games. If it needed batteries, we didn’t get one. Everything was shared between the four of us. And if we complained about the heat, we were told to “complain to God, He created summer.”

Kids these days think they have it good. We had a BLAST!

Hello, hello, and hello! Right off the bat, let me just say that I had a wonderful vacation. I have a great tan, my back is FUCKING AWESOME(!) and my boys kept the house fairly clean (Son1 even did their laundry!)

BUT…..This is Monday Moaning and I got beef….

When I go away, I need a place to just shit, shower, and sleep.I’m like a frat boy that way.My whole family feels the same way. We go out to eat and to play. We go back to the room to shower and nap and then we’re out again. On Monday, we learned that a sign stating “No Loud Radios” did not apply to ipods on ampliers. We also learned that drinking beside the pool  can begin at 9 am (even though the pool is not supposed to open until 10 am.) Okay, everyone is on vacation so Metalmom is going to wear her “tolerance cap” because we’ll be leaving to go out shortly anyway. Right?

On Tuesday, we went out to the beach and only lasted about 2 hours. Hot doesn’t begin to describe how it felt! (I’m not telling the temperatures because I will be laughed out of the blogosphere by some of you) Anyway, the heat gave me a headache and made Babygirl’s friend Kitty whine about her stomach or something. So we headed back to our room to sleep a little. Ah, bliss!……NOT!

Suddenly the peace was shattered by the vibrations wracking my bed! ( I was alone, pervs!) Music was playing 3 rooms away from speakers 3 FEET TALL!! This Motherfucking douchbag was apparently a friend of the manager AND a professional DJ from New Yawk! Chill!  I got nothing against ANYONE from New York but picture Andrew Dice Clay in a hair shirt! The Chicken Dance, Madonna, Bob Seegar and any other cheesy party staple you could name was blaring! I love music so I could be tolerant, but my molars were being ground to nubs! If I had played my German Deathmetal no one would be amused but people were dancing around the pool and off the balconies. I could enjoy the partying from OUTSIDE but INSIDE you couldn’t hear the music. It was the vibration and thudding that drove us nuts. Mr. Manager said “everyone likes” but promised it would be done by 10pm . Well, fuck me Martha I guess that’s Ok!

Well, luckily a few other rooms also complained and the radio was limited to 4-7 pm but really-get a DJ and ADVERTISE it that way! Just from walking around Wildwood, it’s obvious that there are a lot  of people who would get off on a vacation like that. He could have had THE party place! Instead he had more than a few annoyed tenants.

I’ll be filling you guys in on the rest of my adventures but Babygirl just left for North Carolina and took the photos on her memory card.

What happened to ADC Hairyguy? He had a hissy fit about the complaints and left the hotel  3 days sooner than he had planned and took up residence at another hotel. Fucking Asshole! Who travels from New York to New Jersey toting 3foot speakers and not for a gig? Anyone?

Next Thursday will be a special day for me. I will be married for 27 years. Damn…It seems like yesterday that we were wrestling each other on the couch–me to keep my clothes on and him to get them off. (I lost)

We met at a movie theater. My friend “Lostmahead” was dating Phil, the manager. Hubs was Phil’s friend. I went to the theater one day with Lost and there was this great looking guy with the best looking ass I had ever seen! We just kinda said hi and that was it (He was with his girlfriend) I have to admit, I felt the electricity and I really didn’t give a shit that he ‘belonged’ to someone else! I just knew something important had happened to me.

Later, I told Lost that I wanted him for my birthday, which was in February. This was in January and she said she’d do her best. Well, I think she mentioned it to Phil, who mentioned it to Hubs and just a few days after my 18th birthday, Hubs hit me in the back of my head with a snowball. True love struck and ran its icy fingers down my neck. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Did I mention that he has a nice ass? This fact has been my downfall again and again. Like I said, I lost the wrestling match and by March I was pregnant. I can’t even begin to remember how many times I dared him to walk away. We’d only known each other for 3 months and we both knew what the statistics were. Anyway, he never did propose to me. He simply asked me if I could spell his last name. Well, that’s a retarded question! Of course I could! Why? And then it happened…he TOLD me that I’d be writing it forever. I had no choice!

In May we went to prom, with Lost and Phil. In June I graduated high school. In July, we planned a wedding and got an apartment. In August we married. And in December, Son1 was born. 1980 was a very busy year!!

Well, His ass looked good in 1985 when Son2 came along and again in 1991 when we had Babygirl. Now in 2007, there are laugh lines around his eyes and there’s proof that he likes my cooking, but that ass is still hot enough to get my motor revved. We like hanging out together. Even if we’re doing something as simple as paying bills. We’ve hit some rough patches but nothing a few good laughs won’t fix.

27 years is a long time! Would I do it again? HELL, YEAH!!!  Didn’t I tell you he still has a hot ass??

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

PS: Colleen has a sweet ass too! *WINK*

Today is full of Wednesday Wishing. Like, I wish Hubs had stayed home. It’s dark and gloomy with thunderstorm warnings posted for the day. It’s a good day to cuddle up in bed with a few good movies!……I wish there were less assholes in the world who find joy in spoiling the endings of movies or books by leaking the information all over the internet. To them, I say a great big FUCK YOU!!…….I wish I had Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel with me right now lol…….I wish I could call some of you on the phone, just to say ‘hi’ or ‘come over for beers’ or ‘let’s go shopping’. Others woould get prank calls, and certain ones would get booty calls! (maybe you) …..I found this thing, you know, with buttons?Well the light comes on but then it gets hot. I wish I knew what it is or how it worked…….And I’ll bet Babygirl wishes she had listened to her Mom and bought that umbrella we saw at the store on Sunday! It sucks to walk to work in the rain!!….I wish I had an idea for nasty postcards before Avitable! He’s gonna make a mint on those fuckers!

The last wishes are serious. I wish I could hug my girl Chlorine Jenny who’s son got a bit sick. ((Jenny)) He’ll be fine!…..Hug to Tug ((Tug)) who is also worrying about family….And  to Mr. Fabulous ((Fab)) who has come down with shingles. If any of you have ever been around a sick or uncomfortable man then you know what Mrs. Fabulous is going through!!!  (((Mrs. Fabulous)))

 So what are you guys wishing for? Anyone got a genie we can share?

I kind of like Monday Moanings and I do offer them as a place to air your own gripes just as I air mine. I vented on my weight, which is really more of a whiny thing to do, but–it is what it is. I realized as I composed it, that not many men would admit to having their own issues with weight and quite frankly, I thought Id scare them off.

To those brave men who commented (and didn’t sign them as ‘anonymous’) I thank you by offering this:

 I must admit, that if given the choice between chocolate and Jessica Biel, I’d choose JB.(GASP!) She looks so fucking hot and she’s less filling. I’m counting calories for fuck’s sake!

Don’t worry ladies. I’m thanking you too- for sharing your own stories, diet tips, and support. Here is some eye candy for you too:

YUMMY!!  Ryan Reynolds is very low in calories,too. I may even work up a sweat once my imagination gets going!!  MMMM….Jessica, touch Ryan,..yeah like that!  Now me….. ooh you know I like that!!……

I kind of like Monday Moanings and I do offer them as a place to air your own gripes just as I air mine. I vented on my weight, which is really more of a whiny thing to do, but–it is what it is. I realized as I composed it, that not many men would admit to having their own issues with weight and quite frankly, I thought Id scare them off.

To those brave men who commented (and didn’t sign them as ‘anonymous’) I thank you by offering this:

 I must admit, that if given the choice between chocolate and Jessica Biel, I’d choose JB.(GASP!) She looks so fucking hot and she’s less filling. I’m counting calories for fuck’s sake!

Don’t worry ladies. I’m thanking you too- for sharing your own stories, diet tips, and support. Here is some eye candy for you too:

YUMMY!!  Ryan Reynolds is very low in calories,too. I may even work up a sweat once my imagination gets going!!  MMMM….Jessica, touch Ryan,..yeah like that!  Now me….. ooh you know I like that!!……