Thursday July 21st 2011, 8:09 PM
Filed under: HOT,Hubs,lessons,pets,sex


Dog Jizz in My Bed

Is there anything better on a hot summer night than nice clean, crisp, cool sheets against your freshly showered body? I think not. I love fresh sheets in the summer almost as much as I love crawling into flannel sheets fresh from the dryer in the middle of winter.

I changed the sheets the other day and I climbed in, inhaled the freshness and promptly went to sleep.

Bandit still sleeps with me. Usually he is curled somewhere near my knees and will move to my feet area later on. With the extreme heat, Mordecai has taken to joining us in the air conditioned comfort of my room. He can usually be found on top of the sheets very far at the bottom of the bed. This scenario is important to know as the story unfolds.

I was deep into my clean-sheet slumber when I was awakened by the barks of both dogs coming from inside the sheets. Snarling and barking and bumping and fumbling until Mordecai emerged and tore out of the room.

What the hell is going on??

As I started to get out of bed, Bandit emerged, clearly annoyed.  I realized his anger and a wetness on my foot at the exact same time.

Mordecai had started to pee on the bed in his sleep, or marking his territory, or maybe just licking my feet. I was actually more dampish than wet, and the bed was too. I cleaned it up, covered the spot with a towel, took the dogs out and got back into bed. Mordecai went back to Babygirl’s room, and Bandit went to his crate. Since I was sleeping with a ‘helper’ I immediately crashed again.

In the morning, I had nearly forgotten about the night’s events when I heard a licking sound. Since Bandit is always licking his paws (a habit he’s had since he was a puppy) I assumed it was him. “Bandit, knock it off.” I said and suddenly Bandit was coming into the room. “What the…?”  I could still hear the licking.

Mordecai had burrowed under the covers again after I got up. I flipped back the covers and there he was, licking the lipstick.

“Oh hell no!!”

Before I could say another word, he gave a little doggy whimper, his hind leg twitched and he spooged on my bed. Looking guilty, he tried to clean it up himself.

Pushing down my rising gorge (I always wondered if I would use that phrase in my writing!) I chased him from my room and changed my sheets yet again.

This I blame on the Hubs. Having Mordecai neutered was pushed back in June so we could go away for a weekend. Then it was pushed back for other expenses. Now August is totally out of the question. I swear, it will be done in September.

Until September, Hubs can change the sheets!!!





Sunday June 06th 2010, 8:17 PM
Filed under: Anger,assholes,HOT,Hubs,kids,other shit,questions


The “20 Questions” Bitch

Dear Neighbor,

I’m sorry if you think I was rude.  I was sweating my ass off in the sun. I was picking up grass divots while you stood there asking me if  “it’s a hot job?”   You may be a professor of Criminal Justice, but you are as stupid as a rock.  I tried to be polite….really I did. I just didn’t feel the need to tell you how hard Hubby and I were working when it was obvious that we were soaked with sweat.  It was obvious from the shovels and the bags of mulch.

I also tried to be nice to your kids, who kept coming over to ask why we were digging in the dirt, where is my dog, did I squirt Hubby with the hose (Is that how he got wet?)  They are kids and I really couldn’t tell them to go the fuck away.  Besides, how could they know any better when their mother was the one who started the game “20 Questions”?

When you finally went away, I could still hear your whiny, nasal voice cajoling your kids into behaving. “Wanna go in the house? Wanna put on your bathing suit? Why don’t we go get your bathing suit? If we do, you can play in the pool. Do you wanna do that?”  WTF?  You say, “Get in the house and get your bathing suit so we can swim.  No? Fine,  get in the house and take a nap!”  How could you let them walk all over you like that? Why let them get into the pool with their clothes on? You’re a spineless jelly-fish. 

Your spiel never let up. “Here’s the rules! Here’s the rules!” and then “Take turns or else! One…..Two……Eric, take turns now! One…..Two…..”  THE NEXT ONE IS FUCKING THREE!!!!  Now smack his ass and take him into the house, for Chrissake!!!!

Every day we are out there and every day you say, “I should borrow your husband to do my yard”   No, bitch. You have the asshole landscapers who mow your lawns at 8am on a Sunday morning. They are the shitheads who blow all the leaves from your property onto my lawn, which gets cleaned up BY ME!

Don’t you dare ever ask me why the neighbors are so ‘standoffish’  I may have to tell the truth and tell you that it’s all you baby!!

You know that saying,  “Good fences make good neighbors”?  I wish I could build a fucking brick wall.

Not So Cordially,

Metalmom





Sunday May 02nd 2010, 8:01 PM
Filed under: Anger,desire,HOT,Hubs,other shit,sex,weather


Monday Moaning-Hot As Hell

*It is hot as a motherfucker out there today, with a healthy dose of humid.  There is not a breeze to be found.  Every pore on my face must be open because the grease on my skin…!  Holy cheese and crackers!!!  I splashed my face with cool water and two minutes later, the oils were back.  I feel like the Mary Kay lady got ahold of me and caked that shit all over.  You know what I mean?  That feeling like you have two pounds of makeup on?  Yeah, that one.  Yuck and a half!!!

*It will continue to be hot here in my house because it is not after Memorial Day.  To Hubs,  this means that it’s not summer yet.  Screw that noise!  It was 86 degrees today and I have a tiny ‘personal furnace’ named Bandit that wants to sit ascloseaspossible to Mama! I want my AC and I want it NOW!!!

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In case you can’t read it, beneath “It’s Fucking Hot” it says “Time to Crank the AC”……I concur!

*Still bitching about the heat and humidity…..My hair is frizzy. In my attempt to keep the frizz down to a minimum, I used some of this product and that other product and my hair felt  like paper and not hair.  Besides that, my scalp itched. So I showered, in order to cool off and wash the disgustery out of my hair.  Now my hair looks like……actually, it looks like a doll I had as a kid…..AFTER I brushed out all the pretty curls.

*About the only thing Hubs is bitching about is that he gets no sex.  It is easily remedied……GIMME THE MUTHAFUCKIN AC!!! 

*And the hot flashes?   Bitch, please!  Don’t get me started…….!





Tuesday April 06th 2010, 8:56 PM
Filed under: HOT,other shit,weather


Boob Sweat Galore

Okay, so I got this job.

It’s great on so many levels. I am getting much needed exercise. I am making a spare buck or two.  Mackenzie is a smart, good girl. I have someone other than the laptop or tv to keep me company. All of this is good.

But it also has a sucky side. I learned this today…..the hard way.

Mackenzie actually had the day off. She came this morning and we played Mr Potato Head, we colored and we baked cookies. Then we went out for lunch. We had a good time with a friend of mine and she was very well behaved. When we got home, we colored a bit more and then it was time.

Time to walk her home.

It was soooo hot. This weather kinda sneaked up on me. I mean seriously! We went through weeks of snow. And then rain….and more rain….and after that, more rain…..And then it was nice. Nice enough to still wear jeans and a shirt and maybe a sweater. And I wore exactly that–jeans and a shirt. We began our walk.

God, it was hot. Where did all the heat come from all of a sudden? Right away my feet were hot. The back of my neck began to sweat….and then my temples….and my face….and my scalp. There is nothing I hate more than feeling the beads of sweat trickling under my hair. It feels like a bug crawling around up there! *shudder* I could feel my shirt clinging to my spine. Bandit was panting so much and it made me feel even more hot (as if that was possible!)

We got to Mackenzie’s house, where her mom gave me a bottle of icy cold water which I promptly shared with my baby.  As we stood there chatting a bit, I felt a new trickle….right between my boobs. I said my goodbyes and began the trek back home.

By the time I got home, I was soaked. Hubs was home and tried to strike up a conversation, but I would have none of it. I raced to the bedroom. I tore off all my clothes and then ran to the bathroom to jump under the cold spray of the shower.  Even in the water, I could still feel the sweat on my head! Finally I got out and looked in the mirror. My face was still red.

Tomorrow it will be 88*. I will be walking almost a mile to pick her up from school and walking all the way to my house. She’ll be here for two hours and then mom will be done work. I can’t imagine the amount of boob sweat that I will generate!

Humidity!!  Menopause!!  Boob sweat galore!!!!





Friday January 29th 2010, 11:10 AM
Filed under: fantasy,fashion,HOT,ineptitude,lessons


Man, I Feel Like A Woman

I awoke to sound of a man’s voice. (Hey, I’m leaving now *kiss*  The tax papers are on the desk.)

I then stretched langorously, ready to ease myself into my day. (Where’s that remote? Oh, under my butt…)

I watched tv for a few minutes but was lured by the aroma of coffee into the kitchen. (Mmm. I hope they left me a cup…DAMN! tantalized again!)

I took a moment to gather my breakfast, eager to sit and enjoy the silence. (Eggs sound good…Crap! They used the skillet and no one washed it yet! Cereal then. With barely enough milk to moisten the shredded wheat.)

As I settled  into my chair, the phone rang. Perhaps a friend wants to have lunch? (Hello, this is Susan from the CVS. Your prescription is now ready to be picked up.) I returned to my seat and began to eat,(Mmm…sodden wheat!)

I did some laundry and decided to walk on my treadmill. I will start to prepare for summer. I will walk longer than I did yesterday. I will even add a few situps! (*gasp* Only three minutes? HOW FAR??? *gasp* Omg. My boobs are sweating so bad! *wheeze* If I die now, no one will find me for another 7 hours! Fuck the situps!)

A shower is incredible when you know that the entire house is empty. I can shave, suds myself up, moisturize…truly take the time to pamper myself. Ahh, hot water! This shampoo smells sooo good. (*SPLAT* What the– Bandit! What the hell are you doing in here?! Get out! Ow-ow-ow-ow!! SOAP IN MY EYES!!)

I resigned myself to cutting the shower short. I will simply settle for giving myself a mani/pedi. I gather my polish, clippers and pumice to begin. I sit on the couch (In the spot that Bandit chose to lay in while he was dripping from the shower!!)

I will NOT let this get to me. I return to my polish. My toes look cute. (*blurgh, BLURG* OMG! BANDIT! DON’T PUKE!!)

Rushing to grab a towel, I hit my toe on the table, I grab the towel, catch the puke, smear the polish off of three fingers, notice that the polish has toppled onto the table and is rolling toward the edge. I rescue the bottle, and end up sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

My life is too fucking glamorous for words.

 

 





Sunday April 26th 2009, 8:45 PM
Filed under: HOT,weather


Sweatin’ Like An Oldie

Sunday it was 91 degrees in my area of Pennsylvania. We are expecting the same on Monday

I know that this is nothing to those of you from the southern states, but in April, it should be in the 70s.

Our air conditioner is not installed yet. And me?

I’m MELTING…MELTING…melting…melt-….

immeltng1





Saturday February 14th 2009, 11:12 AM
Filed under: HOT,Hubs,love


You. I. We.

You see the beauty in me that I doubt is there

You give me strength to face what stands before me

You make me laugh when my darkest fears peer around the corner

I want to be your guiding light

I want to be the peaceful place for your soul to rest

I want to give you the confidence to do whatever you desire

We are an unbeatable force

We are a passion that smolders quietly yet burns with its intensity

We are darkness and light

We are forever





Sunday January 20th 2008, 11:39 PM
Filed under: desire,fantasy,HOT,love,miscellaneous,Monday,sex,Uncategorized


Monday Moaning-And Now for Something Completely Different…

Let’s try something new. I’m just not feeling the “bitch”, but it is Monday and I need something to moan about….

Things that make me moan….

A nibble on the neck while I am washing dishes or cooking dinner…….A nice soapy washcloth rubbed down my back in the shower(and you know I can’t reach my back by myself!)……A hot cup of tea on a really cold day ….. A wonderful kiss on the lips (you choose which ones!) …..

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Sunshine coming in my windows before I am ready to wake up….Realizing that I have no idea what to write a post about……Cramps…..Watching a movie that I don’t like (for the 47th time ) just to spend time with Hubs…..

Creme Brulee…..Dark chocolate truffles……Settling into a nice, hot bubble bath….A great foot rub…..Walking into air conditioning after a long, hot workout…..A massage…

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What do you have that makes you moan?





Tuesday November 13th 2007, 11:15 PM
Filed under: business,celebration,fashion,Friends,happy,HOT,lessons,other shit,questions


High Heels and Hairspray

Sorry guys, this is for the ladies……..shoo…….really……okay girls, remove your tops….GUYS! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!

No, seriously, I’ve got something to share with you and I’m so excited about it, I’m typing this post in my pajamas, at 8:00 in the morning, instead of showering and getting ready for the baby to get dropped off!

My friend Lorelai (you may have noticed her name in the comments) has relaunched her blog. (I’m so excited that I can’t type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts!) It is still being called High Heels and Hairspray , but…..this is a big but(in a good way)…she is now “writing what she knows”. What she knows is this…style, fashion, beauty…FROM THE INSIDE OF THE BUSINESS! Holy shit ladies! Do you realize what this means? Instead of talking to the ditzy girl behind the Clinique counter, who only wants to make a sale, we can ask Lorelai her opinions.If she doesn’t have the answer, I’m sure she knows someone who does!

I have hair issues. I have cowlicks all over. I want a new hairstyle. I’d like color ideas. I logged in there 30 minutes ago and found news I could use. What the best dyes are and how to find the right stylist. I am excited to use what I’ve learned–AND THIS WAS HER FIRST POST!

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I want to ask fashion questions. I want to be the woman in the fashions ads that come to my house (okay, they are Lane Bryant ads, but still…) Ask her a question, maybe you’ll get an unexpected idea!

My fingers are cramping from the fervor with which I’ve typed this post! Go over there and visit her. She is currently planning on posting  three or four days a week, but that’s more than enough for her to start with! I’D NEVER LIE!!!

And Lorelai…..Keep up with it! Women need your kind of encouragement and men all over will thank you when they have hot wives (except the guys who end up divorced because their wives have found someone who appreciates the extra efforts made by their women!)





Wednesday October 24th 2007, 11:48 PM
Filed under: desire,family,fantasy,happy,HOT,Hubs,kids,love,other shit,sex


Flutters

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Would ya lookit that?  Oh Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!  It’s hard to believe it was once like that in almost every household. Want in on a secret? I bought into that shit. *GASP* Yes, it’s true.

When I got married as a pretty lil eighteen year old girl, I was so happy that we had our own apartment. I liked to wake up in the morning,throw up, make a pot of coffee,throw up, wake up Hubs, and sometimes please him before throwing up again.(I was pregnant). Anyway, I’d make him a lunch and send him out the door and got down to what I thought was my fairy tale life.

I made the bed, did the dishes and vacuumed the floors. I can remember the flutter in my chest as it got  closer to the time he would come home. I was happy that my home was clean, and a good meal was cooking in the oven.

Now, he’s lucky if I roll over to kiss him at 6am when he leaves. I look at the dishes and say “fuck that!” I put them in the dishwasher for later. The baby tears the house apart before he gets home, and runs me ragged. My hair is a mess and I hope to God I remembered deodorant this day. Come 8pm, he’s ready for bed and I’m ready for a much-needed shower.

“Come over here and give me a kiss.”  OMG! “My breath stinks! Let me brush first!” “I don’t care. I want a kiss now. We’ll take care of other business after the shower!” He gets a quick peck and I run into the shower.

Jesus! My heart is fluttering like an 18 year old girl’s just thinking of kissing my husband. yup….he’s still got it!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.