I was sitting on the bed, surrounded by all the invoices saying that my bill was now in collection. (I say “I’m only paying $50 and the hospital says “No, it’s $100 and the insurance company says “Hmm…let’s see….)

Hubs comes home from work while I am in the middle of  ‘negotiations’ and begins to open his mail and messages in the office. I shut the bedroom door so that I can hear myself think and concentrate.

Phone: “Ma’am, can you give me your account number?”

Me: “123-4567-890″

Hubs: (popping his head into the room.) “Who are you on the phone with?”

Phone: “Ma’am, could you repeat the last four digits?”

Hubs: “Who is it?”

Me: (gesturing furiously to please wait) “7890″

Hubs: “Is that the plumber?”

Me: “No, it’s not! Can you wait a minute?”

Phone: ” That’s not the number? ”

Me: “That’s the number!”

Hubs: “It’s the plumber?”

I swear to God I did not make that up. I’m not that clever.

But I might be clever enough to poison his dinner tonight.

ps: The bill is no longer in collection and I’m only paying $50. Yay me!

Sometimes I am so tired I need to get into bed before nine o’clock. I lie there flirting with sleep, never quite getting there.

And then you come into the room. You grab the blankets off of me. You kick me as you get comfortable. You fall asleep before I do, but as soon as I hear your snores, I am lulled into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Sometimes I don’t want you to look at me naked. I have gained too many pounds that I  have struggled to lose- or at least tone.

And then you join me in the shower. You wash my hair and rub your soapy hands over all my jelly bulges. You joke about the bulge that presses into my back……the one that is your belly.  We laugh and it echoes off the tiles.

Sometimes I need you to be out of the house. I need time to clean. I need time to vacuum without having to ask you to lift your feet. I need time to shower off the sweat before you get home. Sometimes I just like the quiet.

And then you pull the truck into the driveway. I still get the flutter of excitement at seeing you come home after an honest day’s work. I can’t wait to hear your voice as you tell me about the day you’ve had.

Sometimes I love going out without you. I like to spend time with my friends….all my girls who are likewise out without their men and the guys who’ve left their wives at home. They are the folks I’ve known forever. When we are together, we relive the salad days of our youth- laughing, drinking, dancing and staying out until the wee hours of the morning.

And then I come home and I see you sleeping, not in the middle of the bed, but over to the side. You’ve saved a spot for me. You roll over as I try to get into the bed quietly. I don’t want to disturb you. But you roll over and put your arm around me, and you ask me if I had fun. I tell you yes and you kiss my neck, and wish me sweet dreams.

It’s been thirty years today.

Sometimes you make me mad and I just want to scream. I wonder how we’ve possibly stayed together when we are so opposite.

And then I remember all the little things. It’s the little things that make a life. It’s the big things that can make or break us. We have a lot of little things to remember when the big things get too big.

It’s the little things that make me smile when I think of you.

I love you, babe.

A few things are happening….just a few ….but they are the type of things that keep me from you, my friends.

Something old…..That would be me. Hubs whisked me away for two nights at the beach. We relaxed, met up with my kids for a day on the beach and dinner, and we shared some drinks and smooches. One morning, we rented bicycles and rode them…..and rode them….and-well you get the drift. We rode for forty-five minutes in one direction, turned around and rode back. Lemme tell you, halfway back, I damn near died. My muscles burned, my body spewed off sweat and I could see my thighs twitch with overuse. Yeppers, kids, I am sadly out of shape. Even though I have been exercising, I have been more about the cardio and abs. Apparently, I must learn to do it all.

Something new…..My laptop needs a new fanbelt. It had been overheating a bit and after ruling out overuse and a recalled battery, I discovered that that was what I needed.  And so, my beloved is off for two weeks getting repaired. Which brings me to….

Something borrowed…..In the meantime, I am typing this post on Babygirl’s laptop. This won’t happen very often, I’m sure. I am afraid of doing anything that would compromise this back-to-school purchase.  So….if anything needs to be spilled on here, I will most likely be borrowing the business computer. Ugh! You know how I feel about that!

And lastly, we have something blue…..That would be me. My cousin is not doing very well with her battle against stomach cancer. We only learned of it shortly before Christmas, and she has already nosedived very quickly. I can only hope that she is spared from too much pain. Life is not very fair.

There is also the ‘countdown’ to August 26. That is the day that Babygirl leaves us for her dorm. Yes, I’m blue but also tickled pink–for her. She is excited and so I am, but damn, I will miss her…..

And there you have it.  That’s what’s happening. It’s what keeps me from you all. I hope to catch up with my blog reading because I want to see what YOU’RE doing this summer!!

During the preparations for Christmas, Hubs injured himself.

He is one of those manly men who doesn’t want me to help him carry the Christmas tree from the car to the house.  He carried bags of gifts into the house as well as all the groceries that were needed for the Christmas Eve party. He managed to feel a tweak in his groinal area, but never fear. He’ll go to the doctor “after the holidays-when he can afford to take time off”

And so he did. The doctor’s preliminary diagnosis was hernia, and Hubs should go see a surgeon and get that taken care of.  Never fear. He’ll get it taken care of  ”after a few of these jobs-when he can afford to take time off”

Before he could do that, the snows began to blanket the Northeast. Week after week it snowed and each time Hubs went outside to shovel the walk, the steps, the driveway. I followed behind him like some kind of yapping Chihuahua…”Stop! Take a rest! Let Son2 do this! Pay the kid next door!  You’re gonna hurt yourself!  You’re not young anymore!”  But, no. “People need generators. I need to take this work while we have it. Soon I’ll take time off”

No, he did not hurt himself further.  He didn’t hurt his back or his hernia.  He worked at the jobs and made people happy. And between the two of us, since the pain wasn’t there, we pushed it out of our minds.

Then came the graduation party.

He removed bushes and put in a garden. He carried folding tables and chairs. He put in a table leaf and got ice for the coolers.  I was the chihuahua once more. “Please let someone help you!”  “It’s easier to do it myself.  Never fear, I’m fine.”

And then, shortly into the party, he did it. He came to  me and said, “I need to take something and lay down. I won’t be able to stand much longer.”  And then, the hosting duties fell on my shoulders.  He spent the next couple of days lying around. We made a doctor’s appointment and I was satisfied…for a bit.

Then there were horrible storms in our area and suddenly people want generators.  (Generator installation is BIG money and will go a long way to holding us over those times when there is no work and the college tuition payments come due)  He still managed to take it easy and did alot of supervising. But there are still some things that cannot be left to my nephew alone. And so, he carefully did his job.

When he finally saw the doctor, we were surprised at his comments. It doesn’t look like a hernia at all.  It looks as if the muscle is detaching from the bone. This is soooo not good.  Yesterday Hubs got a CAT scan which made him horribly ill.  And now we are awaiting the results. 

Would it have made any difference if he had gone sooner? I don’t know. If it were hernia and it had gotten worse, I could say “I told you so”  but now….I just get to worry. I don’t know  of anyone who had this type of injury.  I don’t know how it is treated or how long recovery will be. I want him to get this taken care of right away, but if he does, he won’t be able to help Babygirl and I get ready for her to move into the dorms. I don’t like the not knowing. Looking things up online can be so confusing or misleading. The doctors are fond of saying “X number of weeks or rehab”  I prefer hearing someone who has been through it that says, “The doctor will say 8 weeks but it’s really more like 6″ Somehow, while it is still vague, it is more reassuring.

Never fear, whatever it is, I’ll let you know…..

Dear Neighbor,

I’m sorry if you think I was rude.  I was sweating my ass off in the sun. I was picking up grass divots while you stood there asking me if  “it’s a hot job?”   You may be a professor of Criminal Justice, but you are as stupid as a rock.  I tried to be polite….really I did. I just didn’t feel the need to tell you how hard Hubby and I were working when it was obvious that we were soaked with sweat.  It was obvious from the shovels and the bags of mulch.

I also tried to be nice to your kids, who kept coming over to ask why we were digging in the dirt, where is my dog, did I squirt Hubby with the hose (Is that how he got wet?)  They are kids and I really couldn’t tell them to go the fuck away.  Besides, how could they know any better when their mother was the one who started the game “20 Questions”?

When you finally went away, I could still hear your whiny, nasal voice cajoling your kids into behaving. “Wanna go in the house? Wanna put on your bathing suit? Why don’t we go get your bathing suit? If we do, you can play in the pool. Do you wanna do that?”  WTF?  You say, “Get in the house and get your bathing suit so we can swim.  No? Fine,  get in the house and take a nap!”  How could you let them walk all over you like that? Why let them get into the pool with their clothes on? You’re a spineless jelly-fish. 

Your spiel never let up. “Here’s the rules! Here’s the rules!” and then “Take turns or else! One…..Two……Eric, take turns now! One…..Two…..”  THE NEXT ONE IS FUCKING THREE!!!!  Now smack his ass and take him into the house, for Chrissake!!!!

Every day we are out there and every day you say, “I should borrow your husband to do my yard”   No, bitch. You have the asshole landscapers who mow your lawns at 8am on a Sunday morning. They are the shitheads who blow all the leaves from your property onto my lawn, which gets cleaned up BY ME!

Don’t you dare ever ask me why the neighbors are so ’standoffish’  I may have to tell the truth and tell you that it’s all you baby!!

You know that saying,  “Good fences make good neighbors”?  I wish I could build a fucking brick wall.

Not So Cordially,

Metalmom

Wanna know what I’ve been doing? Huh? Are you on pins and needles?

Don’t lie, motherfuckers.

On Saturday morning, while I started to clean the inside of my windows, Hubs decided to clean the gutters. The debris in them was starting to sprout roots. I got the bright idea to use the ladder after him to clean the outside of the windows. I’ve only been begging him to let me use the ladder for about five years. He seems to think that I’ll kill myself, so I can’t use the ladder without supervision and he won’t supervise. IMPASSE! But this Saturday, since he took it out, I used it, cleaning windows and screens. I was happy.

As I began to wash the front window, I heard a saw. I looked down and there he was, hunched over, sawing away at the mostly dead bushes. I was worried that he would hurt his back, but I held my tongue. I was excited that the bushes were going. I’ve only been begging him to get rid of them for the past five years. By 3pm on Saturday, this is what my house looked like:

Naked house front.

It was hot out and humid. We worked our asses off. After showering, all I wanted was a burger and a beer. I went into his office to suggest a trip to Wendy’s but before I could say a word, he suggested a trip to Charlie Brown’s for some drinks and maybe some appetizers.  I jumped at the chance. I ended up eating a huge sirloin burger and washing it down with Sam Adams Cherry Wheat. Yum.  Then we went home and I watched Union defeat Houston. Woo Hoo!

Debris lines the side of the house.

On Sunday, we went to Home Depot, picked up a few things and got started again. I was finally going to get a garden! And it only took five years of begging!!  We tied up our debris, marked out where we wanted our garden and Hubs began to dig it up. I pulled out some ivy on the other side of the house. Eventually, it was too hot and we quit.

Some of our plant purchases.

Monday, we put down some top soil, fertilized, and began placing our plants. It was hot. We decided to take it easier than we had been but not until we had added a layer of black mulch.  Lostmahead stopped in and I asked her to help me sort my basement. I knew there were curtains that I could be using but I couldn’t find them. We sorted for roughly an hour. I found curtains that I had forgotten that I had! SCORE!  I was so happy. After she left, I began washing the curtains and packing up some stuff for Goodwill that had been buried. This was a productive weekend.

This is not the finished result. We still have more flowers to put in. That’s a lot for two old farts with bad backs!

Tuesday, I  ironed and then hung curtains in every room on the first floor. All of the curtains matched! And it only took five years!!

Wednesday, I cleaned a few closets, packed stuff away (in the empty bins that I discovered in the basement) and found a brand new needlepoint kit that I didn’t know that I had!  As I passed through the room, I noticed our scale. So I stepped on it, expecting to see the same old-same old. Imagine my surprise when I saw that I have broken through a target weight!

And it only took five years!

Babygirl got a Neti pot. Her allergies were so bad this weekend that she looked like she had been crying. Finally, on Sunday, her eyes were swollen, puffy and red.  She had taken Zyrtec, Mucinex and Benedryl, but nothing would break the wall of snot she had inside her pretty little head.

She brought home her pot and went upstairs. She watched the ‘how to’ video on YouTube and proceded to use the Neti pot. Then she showered and did it again.

The difference was obvious. She sounded less congested and was quite happy with the results. After a weekend with my own allergies, I wanted to try it too.

This morning after everyone left for the day, I decided to do it myself, just the way Babygirl did it – before and after my shower.  It was a little strange to feel warm water enter my head but it was also strangely soothing. The water went in and the water came out……and so did the blockage (that is the nice term for “a shitload of snot”)  I immediately felt all the pressure leaving my face. I took my shower and did it again. This time, I felt the pressure leaving the deeper sinus.

I can’t remember the last time my sinuses were so clear. They are so clear that when I sprayed Febreze, it actually stung a little bit!  I am so freaking happy that I tried this. I will now get a pot for all my own.

I told Hubs about my experiences and he had a few opinions of his own.

“I don’t want you to use that when you’re alone in the house. I don’t want  to get a call from the hospital telling me that you’ve died in a horrible Neti pot drowning!”

Just because I almost choked to death when I got water in my nose in the shower!  Sheesh!  He’ll never let me forget how he had to come into the bathroom to hold me so that I could cough and sputter without falling and cracking my skull on the tub!

Some things I’ll never get to live down…….

If you read the last post, then you know that I was dreading the thought of spending time with my family. I managed to get away with telling them that we were taking a long drive to look at some work. We figured that we’d stop in and see them on Mother’s Day instead.

Our plan for Sunday was to visit with Mom and Dad early in the afternoon. Later in the afternoon, we planned on seeing Iron Man 2 and then heading out to dinner. Armed with an excuse to leave early, we set off for the day.

Opening weekend for movies can be crazy at our local theater. Knowing this, our first stop was to pick up our tickets for the 5 pm show. And then we went to Mom’s.

Good thing #1- Noddy, their badly behaved beast of a dog, was strangely calm. He never once jumped on me or Hubs. This is good because that animal could have knocked us down. How do I know this? Because he bulldozed Dad away from me when he hugged me hello.

Good thing #2- No one else was there. No sister or brothers. No kids…not even my own. Dad and Hubs sat down-with the television off!  They sat and talked and laughed. I can’t remember the last time I heard laughter between the two of  them. It was great. Mom and I went into the kitchen, where she was cooking a roast. Her house smelled so good. And then we talked…..and talked…..and talked.

Yes, it was a very good visit. Mom even said that we were lucky to have avoided the gathering the day before. Apparently, there was some tension and Mom hadn’t been in the mood to have everyone there. She said that it had been the type of day that “you wouldn’t keep your mouth shut. I kept thinking that ‘this is when Chrissy would have thrown everyone out of the house’  Thank God she isn’t here!”

Before I knew it, it was almost 4pm. We had to leave if we were going to make it home and then to the movies. We hugged my parents and said our goodbyes.

As we drove off the block, Hubs turned to me and said, “You know, I actually had a good time. It certainly is different visiting  without everyone else there.”

I had to agree. If we hadn’t already bought those tickets, I think we would have stayed much longer. Instead we walked away with one more thing:

Good thing #3- The plan for Father’s Day and next Mother’s Day is to take them out for dinner…..just the four of us. We’ll do it a week ahead of time and we’ll also come right out and let them why we want it this way. I am looking forward to doing this next month.

I had a Mother’s Day with my Mom that didn’t end with tears or hurt feelings. It ended with love and hope for something better.

The phone was ringing but I didn’t answer it.  The caller ID said it was “Sis”.  Why didn’t I answer it?  Because tomorrow is my Dad’s birthday. She will tell me that I have to be there. I hate being told that I have to do anything.  Not only that but she will also tell me what I have to bring.  I haven’t been food shopping for my own family in two weeks.  I really don’t want to go into a store just to get stuff for a salad.

Will I miss Dad’s birthday?  Not really.  I’ll call him in the morning and I will say “Happy Birthday”.  I’ll tell him to have a great day and that I’ll see him on Sunday, when I stop by to visit my Mom for Mother’s day.  He’ll be cool with that.  He understands.

What I won’t miss is the gathering with the family.

 I won’t have to listen to my brothers busting on my sister. You see,  she really has no sense of humor and takes things way too seriously. They will tease her and move onto other subjects, but she will brood and drink and think of all the things she should have said and drink some more and then start whining to her daughter who will whine to my mom who will bitch at my brothers.

I won’t have to watch my husband sit in a corner waiting for the opportunity to leave.  He doesn’t watch sports….any sports. My dad and brothers will flick between games or else they will be chased outside by mom where they will sit and talk about sports. And then my brothers will start asking me “What’s his problem?”

I won’t miss my mom asking why I never told her this or that, when I actually made it a point to tell her what is happening in my life.

I know, I am lucky to have my parents. I am lucky to have my family.

I simply prefer to be lucky in small doses.

*It is hot as a motherfucker out there today, with a healthy dose of humid.  There is not a breeze to be found.  Every pore on my face must be open because the grease on my skin…!  Holy cheese and crackers!!!  I splashed my face with cool water and two minutes later, the oils were back.  I feel like the Mary Kay lady got ahold of me and caked that shit all over.  You know what I mean?  That feeling like you have two pounds of makeup on?  Yeah, that one.  Yuck and a half!!!

*It will continue to be hot here in my house because it is not after Memorial Day.  To Hubs,  this means that it’s not summer yet.  Screw that noise!  It was 86 degrees today and I have a tiny ‘personal furnace’ named Bandit that wants to sit ascloseaspossible to Mama! I want my AC and I want it NOW!!!

In case you can’t read it, beneath “It’s Fucking Hot” it says “Time to Crank the AC”……I concur!

*Still bitching about the heat and humidity…..My hair is frizzy. In my attempt to keep the frizz down to a minimum, I used some of this product and that other product and my hair felt  like paper and not hair.  Besides that, my scalp itched. So I showered, in order to cool off and wash the disgustery out of my hair.  Now my hair looks like……actually, it looks like a doll I had as a kid…..AFTER I brushed out all the pretty curls.

*About the only thing Hubs is bitching about is that he gets no sex.  It is easily remedied……GIMME THE MUTHAFUCKIN AC!!! 

*And the hot flashes?   Bitch, please!  Don’t get me started…….!