Tuesday July 13th 2010, 6:40 PM
Filed under: business,ineptitude,laughs,miscellaneous,other shit


True Tales of the Absurd

I was just sitting here, bored, and wondering what I should post about. Well, I decided to give you all some little factoids from my former jobs…

I worked in a movie theater where roaches and mice were an every day occurence. (We shared a building with a bus terminal)  Those roaches showed up even during the day and they had wings!!  GAG!  The mice weren’t shy either. Since bug spray, rat traps or glue traps never seemed to deter them, I kept oven cleaner behind the counter. They didn’t like that stuff. My can sat within reach…along with a baseball bat to break the fingers of the asses who would try to reach over the counter when it got busy. I used the oven cleaner and the bat too many times to count. True story.

I worked in a little film developing place (Like a Fotomat) This was located in a hallway within the above mentioned bus terminal. One wall was made completely of glass and since the trolleys discharged passengers at the head of the hallway, all those people would look into the windows every day.  Some would stop to fix their hair or makeup in the one mirror that covered one of the pillars. They would adjust their boobs or balls as if no one could see them. I know exactly what a fish in a tank feels like. True story.

I worked in a deli where I had grown up buying candy. Since I knew the owner, after hours we’d stand in the parking lot shooting the breeze enjoying a soda for a bit. One night, while we discussed the progress of a new employee, he stood with his foot resting up on the bumper of his car. One of his fucking testicles dropped out of his shorts and just hung there. I tried so fucking hard to get out of that conversation so I could go home and bleach my poor eyes. True story.

I worked taking care of my friend Linda, who was paralyzed on one side of  her body, putting her to bed and dressing her in the morning. On the very first night that I was on my own, I dropped her, wedging her between the wall, bed and wheelchair. At first I apologized profusely. But then I realized that the sounds she was making wasn’t crying at all. She was laughing her ass off at my panic. I tried getting her off of the floor but was not having much success. I yelled “You told me you weighed 150 pounds!  You’re closer to 180!!  Heifer!”  At that, she laughed even harder and then so did I. When we calmed down, she revealed that her son was home, in his room in the basement and I could call him to pick her up.  I don’t know what I would have done if any of it had happened differently. True story.





Tuesday July 06th 2010, 5:32 PM
Filed under: celebration,Friends,happy,laughs,lessons,questions


Rainbow Weekend

Like many of you, I went to a party this weekend. Like many of those parties, this party involved a pool, a barbecue, drinks, food and friends. This party was different in only one way…

I knew when the invitation was given, that it would be attended by many women……many gay women. That’s not a big deal to me. I don’t tend to think of people like that. It’s none of my business and besides, people are people, y’know? I mention it only because of where this post is going.

I’ve been to other parties where I only know one or two people. There is usually that initial awkwardness, you know, the one in which you get a feel for the humor (or lack of). The one in which you get to know the boundaries, so that you don’t cross it….

I didn’t need to do that this time.

As soon as I got there, I felt as if I were a long lost friend. My friend Skittles and I were the only two straight women there. We tend to get carried away with our laughter and joking and I was a tad afraid of making an inappropriate joke. I was secretly counting on Skittles to keep me in check. But immediately upon our arrival, the laughs began and they never stopped.

The sun beat down on us and the pool was too inviting. A few girls went in and I joined them. If it were another party, I would have hemmed and hawed. I would have been self-conscious about my ‘bathing suit body’. Not here. If it were another party, I would have been on the look-out for the ‘judges’…..those women who, whether on purpose or not, judge the amount of skin that shows, making judgements that “she’s a whore” or “she’s a prude”. Those women who watch every person you talk to and make judgements that perhaps “she’s flirting with my man” when in reality you are discussing sports. Those women who mentally tally up how long you have known the hostess to assure themselves that they are “better friends” with her.

Like I said…if it were another party.

All of these things were a non-issue. They didn’t worry about their bodies and by extension, neither did I. We discussed all kinds of things. I spoke to the significant others and didn’t feel like I had to time the conversation out of fear of what their mate would think. We put sunscreen on each other. You know how touching a man always seem to skew into a ‘sexy touch’?  Not here. It was simply women making sure no one got sunburned.

I relaxed….truly relaxed. This was so incredibly different. Even with family, I am tense. I worry that I will say or do something to earn Mom’s disapproval, or I will hurt my sister’s feelings.  I feel the judgement – even after thirty years of marriage – of my sisters-in-law. Even with some friends, I feel like my house, hostess skills or cooking doesn’t measure up.

These women accepted me for who I am, and I felt the love.

And then I felt the heartache of knowing that they could be themselves…..but only among others of the same mindset. They discussed how hard it is to find a club that is ‘gay-friendly’. How hard it must be to have to plan a get-together based on where they will feel ‘welcomed’!   It made me sad to know that so many people will never know these wonderful, smart, funny women because they can’t set aside the issue of sexual orientation. It made me sad to know that they will go to other parties and be the ones who are judged.





Wednesday May 19th 2010, 6:55 PM
Filed under: celebration,Friends,happy,laughs,lessons,love


Dance, Dance #2

Now I am moving on to the High School dances. Not exactly the mixers and not quite the proms. I am talking about two that were very special for special reasons.

One year, shortly after my uncle died, my aunt Margie wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner at her house. It was her way of getting through the holidays that first year. She managed to squeeze roughly two dozen people into her apartment, which was above the bar that Uncle Al owned. So there we were, four teenaged cousins who were bored to tears. That night, at my cousin’s school, was the “Turkey Trot”. None of us were very excited about going, but we were dropped off in front of the high school. Things shaped up once the music started. My cousin Kathleen and I were free to be brand new people. We were from the suburbs in a city dance. We were suddenly popular, carefree and outgoing. We could do whatever we wanted because we would never see these people again.

That night we were silly, giggly girls. We danced all night. My cousins Al and Margaret were popular by association, having brought the ‘new girls’. It was one of the most fun times we shared as kids.

The second was my “Ring Dance”. In our school, it was a symbol of hard work and achievement. We didn’t get our rings until Senior Year. I had planned on going with a guy named Howard. He played sports, and because of that, it wasn’t unusual for us to go for days without seeing or speaking. I called him the day before the dance to iron out the last details-when he’d pick me up, pictures, dinner before or after, etc. When he answered, he was with his girlfriend. He had forgotten our plans.

I was devastated. What would I do now? How could I tell my parents? How could I face my friends? I did the only thing I could think of….. I called my friend Frank.

Frank had graduated a year ahead of me. We missed seeing him on campus all the time and he would show up whenever he didn’t have to work. His prized possession was a red camaro. He was always washing and waxing it. When he answered his phone, I burst into tears. He let me cry without saying a word. Finally, all I could do was ask three questions.

“Are you busy tomorrow night?” “No”

“Is your car clean?” “Yes”

“Can you wear a suit and pick me up tomorrow at 7?” “Yeah, where we going?”

I began to cry again and he quickly said “I don’t need to know. I’ll be there.”

I hung up the phone feeling more relieved than anything. I still couldn’t bring myself to tell my girlfriends. I only told my mom that things had changed but I never told her what.

Frank showed up at my door on time. He had a corsage, because he didn’t know whether or not it was a ‘flower’ occasion or not (and better safe than sorry). We got into his car and he said “Where to?”

When I finally told him everything, he laughed. He couldn’t wait to see everyone’s face when we showed up. He hadn’t said a word to anyone. Not even our friend “Lostmahead”–who knew everything–knew about this.

We had a great night. Frank and I had a bond that was hard to shake. We shared other heartache during our young friendship. But we also shared other things as well.

You see, Frank and I are still friends and his daughters call me “Mom Chris”.  That dance was more important to me than my own Senior Prom…and I went to that with Hubby!





Tuesday May 04th 2010, 11:34 AM
Filed under: celebration,fantasy,laughs


5/4/2010

 

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Thursday April 15th 2010, 3:00 PM
Filed under: celebration,happy,laughs,weight


I Exercised!

 

The thing that I wanted the most

Was to write an exciting new post

I need energizing

and some exercising

or I’d have nothing of which to boast.

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I first had to shut my front door

And then I got down on the floor

I wanted to do

a push up or two

I did two and I couldn’t do more.





Tuesday March 02nd 2010, 6:33 PM
Filed under: family,Grief,ineptitude,laughs,other shit


Can Ya Smell What Mom Is Cookin’?

Last week, Hubs picked up some more meat that was on sale. This time he brought home a thick underblade steak. I was unfamiliar with this (because I don’t cook steak- he does) So I looked it up online and discovered that it isn’t recommended for grilling or pan frying due to the toughness of the meat. But I can sure do a roast so that is what I did.

On Sunday morning, I put it into a container with Italian dressing. (I am only now, after all these years, attempting this due to the fact that my family hates anything that is seasoned with more than salt and pepper) On Sunday before going to bed, I flipped it and put it back in the fridge. I was quite confident that I was going to cook this right.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling too achy to get up. I lay in bed watching television until I looked at the clock and realized that it was two hours later than I had planned to get the crockpot fired up! I made my way to the kitchen and pulled my crockpot out from under the sink, which is the only cabinet large enough to store it. I plugged it in to heat while I seared the steak on the range.

It smelled so good! I cut up a large sweet onion, added some beef broth and minced garlic and finally added the steak. While that started, I peeled some carrots and cooked them just a bit on the stove to be sure that they would be tender.

I kept getting an odd whiff of something every so often…..a sort of  ‘rubbery’ smell. I looked everywhere in the kitchen and I just couldn’t find where the culprit was. Maybe it was just the smell of the marinade that had cooked on the steak? I don’t know. I added the carrots, along with some potatoes and covered the pot. Then I continued my day.

I took a shower and as I opened the bathroom door, I still had the smell in the hall. I went into the kitchen and searched again. At this point I was convinced it was the marinade, and I hoped that it would dissipate before the guys came home from work.

Hubs came home early-of course! I asked him flat out if he could smell something. “Like what?”  I described it as ‘very warm or hot rubber’. “Is it possibly a wire casing? ”  He sniffed around the kitchen and the dining room and said he didn’t smell a thing! (How could he miss it??)

Next, the boys came in. Son2 smelled nothing and went upstairs to get cleaned up. Son1 humored me by sniffing all over like a hound dog. “Mom I can’t smell anything.”  So I finally had to accept that perhaps it was my imagination or guilt at having tried something new in my cooking.

We ate dinner. Oh.My.God!!  That roast came out so incredibly tender!!  I will definitely buy one of those again and I will definitely use marinade again. Everyone ate their fill and complimented me on dinner-something that rarely happens around here!

Later, I cleaned up the leftovers. I unplugged the crockpot and emptied out the food. Then I took out the ceramic ‘pot’. Lo an behold there was a rubber stench that came out of the bottom. I looked inside and there was yellow goo.

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What the fuck is that???

As I tried to wipe/scrape it out, I figured out what it was…..

While it was stored under the sink, I managed to put one of my cleaning gloves in the bottom. It never occurred to me to look inside before placing the ceramic pot in. Now….my poor baby…my crocky…..my best friend when I’m not feeling well….is dead. (Believe me- DEAD. Hubs and I have both tried to clean out the gunk.)

After they had a great big chuckle at my expense, Hubs and Son2 promised that I will get a new one…..as long as I promise to make that roast again!





Thursday January 14th 2010, 10:59 AM
Filed under: laughs,lessons,miscellaneous,other shit


Politically Correct
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “Hillbillies”…You must now refer to them as Appalachian-Americans. And furthermore….
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
1. She is not a ‘babe’ or a ‘chick’– She is a “Breasted American”
2. She is not ‘easy’–She is “horizontally accessible”
3. She is not a ‘dumb blonde’–She is a ”light-haired detour off the information superhighway”
4. She has not ‘been around’–She is a ”previously-enjoyed companion”
5. She does not ‘nag’ you–She becomes ‘verbally repetitive’.
6. She is not a ‘two-bit hooker’–She is a ‘low cost service provider”.
politically_correct
How to speak about men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a ‘beer gut’–He has developed a ”liquid grain storage facility”.
2. He is not a ‘bad dancer’–He is “overly Caucasian”.
3. He does not ‘get lost all the time’–He “investigates alternative destinations”.
4. He is not ‘balding’–He is in “follicle regression”.
5. He does not act like a ‘total ass’–He develops a case of “rectal-cranial inversion”
6. It’s not his ‘crack’ you see hanging out of his pants–It’s his “trouser cleavage”
Now that you have learned the correct usages, get out there and use them!!
**Not my own, just laughed over and passed on for your entertainment.






Monday November 16th 2009, 8:12 PM
Filed under: family,Friends,happy,Hubs,laughs,love


Six-Shooter

My gun is loaded, just dodge the bullets…

*This weekend my carpets were installed. In preparation, I spent Thursday night and Friday removing old carpet, old padding and of course the evil, evil staples!! Using pliers and a screwdriver, I dug them out of the wooden floor and the steps.  And in doing so, I blew out the back….big time!! There was no sitting up late watching television for me. No, no! I ended up in a steamy, hot shower, loaded up on Oxy’s, vodka and Gatorade.  Sweet Jeebus, I hurt everywhere. I had blisters on my fingers, bruises on my palms and staples stuck to my knee caps. Which leads me to..

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** I needed to get away, and so my very best partners in crime came to spirit me away for an overnight of games, alcohol and laughter. Have I ever told you how much I love Skittles and Dawn? Well, lemme tell ya. I love them thiiiiiiiiiiiis much. I would have gone mad from the noise, the mess and the pain. Instead, I was taken care of, put to sleep in a comfy bed, and had breakfast made for me. The only things left hurting me on Sunday was my cheeks and sides, both from laughing.

*** My brother was the one who installed the carpeting. The one thing I really enjoyed about that was watching him. Normally, when we get together, it is a holiday or a barbecue. We laugh. We drink. We tease. But having him in my house to work was a revelation. He swooped in, opened every curtain, (“I hate feeling closed in!”) and then he asked for music. I gave him my radio,which he immediately turned on and began singing. At the top of his lungs, he sang as he kicked, crawled and pounded my carpet into place. My brother is a hard worker and he truly knows his shit. It was worth every penny we paid him.

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****I came home on Sunday to see my carpet in place, but everything else hither and yon. I began putting things back and then Hubs began helping me. I love my house now and it’s hard to remember how craptacular it had been!!

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*****Just as I began to ache again, there was a knock on my back door. My neighbor in the back, Sara, had seen all the work going on and she knew that I had been sick. She is a wonderfully thoughtful person who showed up with a container of beef-laden sauce, a container of meatballs and sausage, a bag of kaiser rolls and a box of penne. “I saw that you just came home and I knew you didn’t have time to cook or take care of company. I made a huge potload of food and thought you might be able to use this.”  She is full of awesomeness!!

******So, out of this entire weekend I learned: (A) My brother is a hard working man who enjoys his job.  (B) I am grateful for my Hubs, who knows how much I was bothered by the hideousness of my old carpets. It was depressing me and I didn’t even know it. (C) I am very thankful for my friends  and neighbors who seem to know what I need– even when I am oblivious myself.





Sunday September 27th 2009, 7:43 PM
Filed under: birthday,celebration,Friends,happy,laughs,love


Charisma

Charisma: refers to a trait found in persons whose personalities are characterized by a personal charm and magnetism (attractiveness), along with innate and powerfully sophisticated abilities of interpersonal communication and persuasion

Some people have very little. They are the ones who may blend into the background. They may be the most boring people you have ever met, the ones who rarely get the jokes, rarely have anything to add to a conversation.

Then there are people who just ooze charisma. They are the ones who walk into a room and the energy instantly changes. They are often called “the life of the party”. They are the guest speakers who begin speaking about any subject and have you hanging on their every word. You just feel compelled to look at them or listen to them.

I have such a friend.

My friend D is the type of person who is labeled “loud”, or “boisterous”.  When she enters a room, everyone knows it. She greets everyone as if they are a long lost friend. When she laughs at a joke, you know that she is enjoying it. She does everything with an obvious gusto for life.

We went out to celebrate D’s birthday on Saturday night. Skittles, her sister and I arrived at the bar first. There was a band and more than just a  few people already there. But it still wasn’t  ‘happening’.  And then, D arrived with her entourage of sister, niece and a couple of friends. As soon as she got there, the atmosphere changed. Suddenly we were all drinking, and laughing until cheeks hurt.

Into the bar, came a little girl celebrating her 21st birthday. She loudly announced this to the bar because she had obviously been celebrating before getting there. Before five minutes had passed, she was dancing with D and sharing laughs with us having been drawn into our group by D’s magnetism.

There were a few tables of men who watched our group as woman danced with woman, grinding and laughing and hugging. They watched as if waiting for us to spontaneously begin making out with each other. The little girl wasn’t the only one drawn into our group. Oh no! There was the guy who looked like Maurice Gibb who tried (badly) to sing ‘Stayin’ Alive’. There was ‘girl’s boyfriend who was getting annoyed with ‘girl’s antics. There was a group of men who were friends with Skittles. They too were drawn by D.  They danced and did shots and hugged her as if they had always known her.

And all throughout the night, as people passed our group, she was the center of attention. Every person felt compelled to talk to her, shimmy with her, smile and hug her.

What is it that makes one person more charismatic than another?  Why can’t it be bottled up and sold? The maker of such an elixir would be rich beyond imagination, I’m sure.

Do you have a friend like this?  If you do, then you are blessed. If not, find one. He or she will be the one in the center of the room dancing as if no one was looking.

~~~Happy Birthday, D. I love you and I’m glad to have you in my life.





Sunday August 02nd 2009, 5:02 PM
Filed under: concerts,Friends,happy,laughs,love,travel


Rainbow, Pony, and Tommy the Bus Driver

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This weekend I spent an overnight with my friends Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony. If you look closely, you can see the package of Depends that was needed due to the “over flowing” laughter and the Kleenex that was needed for the tears of sadness for the friends who weren’t there with us. We had a blast.

After an hours drive, we got to Rainbow’s place and brought the rain with us. But that was okay. We spent the afternoon drinking (but not Rainbow), laughing, chatting and did I mention laughing? The rain finally stopped and the sun came out for a gorgeous evening and we had a bite to eat. Afterwards, we headed out to the Musicfest which in a neighboring town. We hopped aboard a shuttle bus which took us from the parking lot to the venue. We met Tommy the bus driver who, as it turned out had known Rainbow from her days as a bartender! Small world!

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There were many types of food that ranged from gyros and hotdogs to deep-fried scrapple to roasted seasoned corn on the cob. Alcoholic beverages were also there and I managed a Southern Comfort Hurricane. YUMMY!  We saw the craft tents, managed a port-a-potty in the dark (what an adventure that was!) and the music! I heard a group called “Brother” from Australia who played tunes with a bagpipe and a diggerydoo!!  We also heard a Latin band and Rainbow did the ‘coolie’ dance. And then, the bus ride home…….

In the fully loaded bus, Rainbow introduced Tommy the bus driver to all of the passengers and began to lead the entire bus in sing-a-longs! And I really must tell you all, that she did not have a drop to drink…really! At first the other riders, thought she had just been over indulging but they finally relaxed and joined in with the hijinks. We sang  “Double Dutch Bus”,  “Darling Nikki”  and “Rapper’s Delight”  before we reached the parking lot. As everyone piled into their own cars,  they all honked their horns and we waved goodbye to our ‘stranger’ friends.

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We got back late-ish, did some jello shots and hopped into the pool for a midnight swim and then stayed up talking and laughing even more. Finally, around 4 am, I slept……Only to be awakened by the telephone at 7:30! I got up, made coffee and sat in the back room watching the sun burn the morning mist off the mountain. It was glorious.

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By 10am, I was famished and I needed some food. So we went out to John’s Plain and Fancy Diner for some nourishment. It was so fancy it had chandeliers….seriously!

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We went home with our breakfast babies, stuffed like ticks, so we decided to just be lazy, floating in the pool. This is the view from the raft:

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But this day in Shangri-la, like all good things, had to come to an end. Eventually, My Little Pony and I had to go back to our own lives as wives and mothers. We were done being carefree girls at least for this visit. Upon getting home, I couldn’t wait to sleep because, though I may have acted like it, I am not a young girl any more. I was a tired and achy woman who felt every one of her forty-seven years!!

I can’t wait to have another sleep-over!!!