Friday June 10th 2011, 9:54 AM
Filed under: business,Hubs,ineptitude,lessons,mail,Uncategorized

Lick It

Summer isn’t even official yet and already I am dealing with frizzy hair (from the humidity), underboob sweat (from the humidity) and lack of momentum ( from the humidity).

I have planted flowers in my garden. I have trained the dogs not to bark at every damned thing. I’ve done lunch with some friends and breakfast with another.

I have also fucked up.

Babygirl needed to pay $22 for a hole in her dorm screen – which wasn’t her fault and which was reported for repair repeatedly. I know we could have fought it, but it was worth the money to make it just go away. And so I wrote the check, dutifully put it into an envelope and stamped it. Hubs took it to the post office.

Yesterday, Babygirl got an email stating that they got a copy of the work order in the unsealed envelope with no check.

I have been wracking my brain trying to remember if I sealed the envelope. No, this isn’t something that I automatically do. I gag something awful if I have to lick an envelope. I know that I could have dampened a sponge or napkin to do it. I’m fucking lazy. Sue me.  Normally, I hand it to Hubs and say “It’s ready to go, just seal it”  Normally, Hubs double checks to see if it needs sealing. Did we both fuck up? It’s possible. So we aren’t placing blame, although I have a sinking feeling it was me.

I called the bank, mainly to put a “stop check”, but was informed that I need to close the account and reopen another and start all over.

Fuck my life.

Due to the glorious advances of modern technology, it is super-duper easy to print checks using a laser printer. They have my address which was printed on the check.  They have my signature, because I signed the check. So, sometime today, I need to go to the bank – with Hubs – to do this shit. We will get a new account, new checks, and new ATM cards. I’m sure there will be new charges for this.

All because someone didn’t lick it.

Saturday December 06th 2008, 5:02 PM
Filed under: Anger,holiday,ineptitude,mail,other shit,questions

Psycho Saturday

All I wanted to do was dye my hair and write out my Christmas cards. That’s all. No unattainable  goals. Just two things.

I got done exactly ONE.

Let me ‘splain…

I dyed me hair after waking up so that I could shower immediately afterward. This went without a hitch. I normally get dye all over my face, neck and ears but this time it was a clean job. After getting dressed, I took laundry to the basement, which was covered wall to wall with laundry hanging and waiting to be taken down, sorted and folded. Well, I took them down (Needless task #1) because I needed to get behind them for gift boxes.  (task #2) I took the boxes upstairs and put gifts into them (task #3) so that it would be easier to pile boxes than to kick bags out of my way to get to my dresser drawers. I went into the kitchen to put away those plastic bags and realized that the sink was full of dishes. Since it annoyed me to see them there, I washed them (task #4) and ended up emptying the trashcan, and cleaning the floor. (#5 &6)

As I walked out of the kitchen, I realized that I had done far  more than the two things I really wanted to get done. This started to grate on my nerves. “That’s it!” my mind yelled. “The cards. Get to the cards!”

Under my bed, for the past 20 years, I keep  two things that NEVER get stored anywhere else: a flat box that is filled with tape, scissors, gift labels, and bows and  a shoe box that holds my Christmas mailings. Leftover cards from the last year, spare envelopes, cards from relatives that show their kids in their ballet costumes and most importantly…. THE LIST.

The List is a sheet of paper with everyone’s name on it. Everyone I mail a card to. Business associates’ home addresses, new addresses for family and friends, names of people who send us cards, and those who didn’t due to cutting back. Some are crossed off to shorten the list. Everything is nice and neat and right where I need it. I don’t have to flip pages in my phone book. It is in order. Those that go out of state are first. Local are second. And those that I hand deliver are last.

I can’t find the box. Why would I move it? After 20 YEARS!!! WHY WOULD I MOVE IT??? This pissed me off to no end.

So I searched. And while I searched, I came upon some summer clothes that were waiting to be put away(#7), some crappy sweatshirts that I threw away (#8) , some books that were waiting to be boxed for a friend (#9). I came across my holiday pillows so I took them out and put others away(#10).

“What the Fuck???” my brain screamed. “This isn’t what you wanted to do today! We were going to relax and write cards!”

So I stopped. Right there in my tracks….I stopped…and stepped in a puddle of pee. I had neglected my dog in the frantic searching of the house. I cleaned it up (#11) and almost decided to clean my carpets!

I am frustrated. I am pissed off. I have that nagging feeling in my head that I get when I don’t do something that I had planned. I want to hit. I want to kick. I want to scream and curse. I’m going a little psycho.

I know….I got stuff done. That is NOT THE POINT!

The motherfucking cards are missing. My list is missing. (And don’t be the asshole who comments “You should put it in the computer!”–FUCK YOU!) I have done this the same way for years. It is my personal routine. It is comforting in its sameness. It is relaxing.

My eye is twitching. I need a donut and a cup of coffee.

And then I am going to tear apart the bedroom one more time. If I don’t find it…..pity the first person who comes in the door!

But hey! My hair looks fucking awesome!

Friday January 25th 2008, 8:07 PM
Filed under: business,computers,fantasy,mail,MattMan,mr Fab,other shit,survey

I Get EMail

People please! I am only one woman! I cannot be expected to do everything that is demanded of me. I check my email every day and I am ever so popular.  Lemme tell ya about it!

I can’t live without Hanes t-shirts. I must slim down in two days, perhaps by using colon cleanse! I can join a gym for a limited time only or maybe I just say ‘fuck it’ and order myself some soup samples!


I can change myself into an ebay millionaire, a nurse, a cop or a mystery shopper. All I need to do is respond within 24 hours to be on my way to realizing my dreams!

I am repeatedly asked to fill out surveys, buy business cards, or buy ringtones. Don’t these assholes know that I have better things to do with my time? Important things like shave my legs, eat a pudding cup, pluck my chin hairs or take a shit while no one is in the house to interrupt me!

And I get these requests for pictures. “Send me your picture! I’ll send you mine!” I keep telling MattMan and Mr Fabulous to stop sending me these requests because guys, it just wouldn’t happen! Mainly because I think the Black Singles in my area have dibs on those!

The only one that is remotely interesting is for hunting knives. FINALLY!  An offer I can use!

Now if I can only find the people that send me all this shit, I’d have a serious use for a nice sharp gutting knife!!

Tuesday December 04th 2007, 4:09 AM
Filed under: kids,mail,weather

Blowin’ In The Wind

Today was WINDY. Although storms blew around the country leaving snow and ice, my neck of the woods got hit with sleet and rain yesterday and wind today.

Lots of wind! Fifty miles an hour blasts of wind!

Usually I hear cars go by. There are steady streams of them-I live in a corner house. Today it is a sound that is both relaxing and alarming. I can hear the wind shushing through the trees.It is soft and rhythmic and I find myself being lulled almost to the brink of sleep.

Then all of a sudden, I can hear a BANG as a branch hits our steel shed or a trash can blows over in the yard. I am always afraid of what would happen if one of our huge trees were to blow over onto our home. After the bang, I am on edge. Tense. Listening for creaking or snapping sounds that I imagine would signal such an event.


My yard is covered with the debris of a neighborhood. Leaves, random coffee cups, and a shopping circular that managed to get separated from the others during this weekend’s deliveries. All of it got blown to my house as if it were knocking on my door looking for refuge from the brutal blasts of wind.

And I stood at my door watching. With Joslyn in my arms, we enjoyed nature’s dance. The wind picked up the leaves and spun them in the air like a young man spinning his maiden. Round and round they twirled, leaving me breathless with its beauty.

I hope the wind blows all the leaves away before it’s finished!


Thursday July 12th 2007, 12:15 AM
Filed under: business,celebration,family,fantasy,fashion,Friends,mail,other shit

This and That

There are just a couple of things I’d like for you guys to keep in mind:

Shelli, from Shellis Sentiments is having a special birthday this month. To celebrate, she’s throwing a virtual birthday party and everyone’s invited! How cool is that! Check out her site for details and join the fun. I’ve sent my gift, have you?

Speaking of birthdays, Bluepaintred is doing something extra special for her sister Sheri, who is celebrating her 31st birthday. Blue is asking for real birthday cards (via snail mail). Each well wisher will get a chance to win a FANTABULOUS pair of shoes. Details (and a picture of those great shoes) are at blue’s page.

And Lynda, from Lynda’s Great Journey is raising funds towards a cancer cure through Relay for Life. Hit the Relay link at her blog for a hookup to her donation page. Help a sister out!

Well, I’ll probably post something later. I just wanted to mention my friends and their projects  before I forgot anything important. If you have anything going on, pimp it here! I’ll share my space!

Monday July 09th 2007, 11:29 PM
Filed under: celebration,mail,miscellaneous,music,other shit,Uncategorized

My Name Is Metalmom

 I spent some time with my music today. No kids showed up because their dad took the day off at the last minute.

So I was here. Alone. With the dishes, vacuuming, and laundry. The house got a bit quiet, so I pulled out my music and cranked it up. I’m in a corner house with yard on all four sides. Noise is not a big concern to me. Plus evening is closed because the A/C is on. No one can hear the savage pounding of drums, the gutteral “singing”, and the metal, metal, metal!

There are 3 CD’s that are ALWAYS played:Rammstein-Sehnsucht, Godsmack, and Korn-Greatest Hits. They usually get me through most of my housework. Well, those guys amped up my energy level and I took on extra jobs that had been put off for a while. I actually continued through Duran Duran’s Greatest Hits and Kelly Clarkson- Breakaway.(SHUT UP!!- She’s a guilty pleasure for me!! Don’t tell!!)

About 5 years ago, we moved into this neighborhood. I used to worry about what the neighbors would think because I’m not exactly like they are.(Now I don’t give a shit) I seem to be one of the few people around in the daytime.

Then I worried about what the mailman would think of my music because he actully came to my door every day. Well, after some of the mail I’ve gotten lately, nothing shocks him any more. (You know which ones of you are the naughty monkeys!)  He hears the music now and sometimes he’ll knock just to ask who I’m playing.  It’s kind of nice to share my oddness with someone who doesn’t judge me. Thanks, Billy!