Monday April 18th 2011, 9:52 AM
Filed under: fashion,Monday,other shit

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda


Monday: 10:45 am.

My hair is greasy and tangled with a sprinkling of grey roots.

I sit here in my mismatched pajamas with an old sweater thrown over it.

There are smears on my lenses and toast crumbs in my shirt.

I have to pee like a horse but I’m too damn lazy to get up.

Guess what! I’m okay with that today.

Now, fuck off.


Monday June 01st 2009, 9:55 AM
Filed under: Anger,fashion,ineptitude,Monday,pets

Face Plant

This morning before I got into the shower, I laid my clothes out on my bed. My jeans and a blouse, socks and a bra, and a pair of panties (because it’s not Commando Friday). As I was stepping from the shower, the phone rang. So I ran, still dripping wet, into my room to answer it. It was a motherfucking service call from the cable company!!  “No I don’t want any additional channels!!!”  I was so angry! I snatched the panties and shoved my feet into it and…..almost fucking killed myself. No, they weren’t my panties. They were my daughter’s. I got them as far as my knees and then….slowly I began to tilt forward… I was falling!  I turned to the bed and managed a not-so-lovely face plant onto my dog’s spread-eagled crotch.

Because of course he was on my bed in the most comfy position he could manage.

Oh, and did I mention? I fucking love Monday mornings!!


Monday May 11th 2009, 6:46 AM
Filed under: fantasy,Grief,Monday

No Monday,kthxby


Thank you, Sam

Sunday March 01st 2009, 11:12 PM
Filed under: assholes,family,ineptitude,lessons,love,Monday,sex

Monday Moaning-Keep It Zipped

My brother’s wife is pregnant…again. This will be my brother’s sixth kid. But this post is a venting process and vent I will…..even though it may not be my place to even have an opinion.

My brother, D and his wife L have been married for eleven years. Their kids are ten, nine, six and four. D also has a fifteen year old daughter from a previous relationship. D has to work very hard, for long hours to take care of his family plus keeping up with child support for his daughter. And he is a provider.

L has a few emotional problems. She gets post partum depression. (We are all aware of this and we watch her like a hawk…so do her doctors.) I also believe that she may be slightly bipolar. When she is good, everything is great. But when she is bad, she can make life a living hell for my brother. She will leave him with the kids and run home to her parents. She will file for divorce and constantly harass my brother and my parents, who will step up to help D take care of the kids while he works.

But eventually, they will work things out and she will come back.

Don’t get me wrong–She is an incredible mother when these episodes are gone. My nieces and nephews are all smart as hell and she home schools her kids. They are polite beyond words and say “ma’am” and “sir”. They are very innocent due to the fact that they are sheltered even from some Disney films that L feels are just a tad disturbing.

However, when they “make up” she gets pregnant. D wanted to stop at two kids, but…..Mister can’t keep it in his pants. He refuses to “get fixed” and she simply doesn’t believe in it.

Where is this going?

Well, I see how hard my brother works. I see how, no matter how tired he may be on his day off, he will take his children out-to a park, a movie, or just for ice cream.  I see how he bends over backwards to accommodate her controlling whims. But he is certainly not controlled by her.

Last week, he called to say that they are expecting again. I listened through the phone at the silence that separated us. “D, you have to give me a sign. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or to hit you upside the head.”

He said he was happy. “What can I say?”

“Well,” I asked, “When is the due date?”


OMG! Are you kidding me?? He just told my parents and now that the cat was out of the bag, he was calling me to let me know. He waited because he knew he would have had nine months of grief from my parents….and me.

As the oldest of my siblings, and as the most responsible of us too, I am the conscience of the family. I hold my brothers and sister accountable for their actions. I will loudly proclaim that I believe their actions are stupid, their choices irresponsible.

However….D is the only one other than myself who is married. Like I said, he provides well and his kids are happy and healthy. These are his children with his wife. So I have to step back a bit and keep it zipped

But not here. Here I am allowed to say:

D!! You stupid ass! Why do you do this to yourself? You know that L will freak out again and give the new baby to Mom and Dad! They are too old for this shit and so are you! Enough is enough. Man up and get yourself fixed. You owe it to yourself to limit your children right now. When will you see that by doing so, you will finally be able to slow down your life and enjoy it?

But to him I will say:

You and L are wonderful parents. Let me know if there is anything you need me do to help out. I’m always here for you.

I love you, you asshole.

Sunday February 22nd 2009, 10:42 PM
Filed under: fashion,Monday,weather

Monday Moaning-I Got Cut

I had been putting off getting my hair cut. I truly needed it. I had split ends from here to eternity, so I asked my Hubs to trim it. I couldn’t find the scissors. When I did find them, I was sober so Hubs didn’t get to do it. But one afternoon, I let Lostmahead do it. It wasn’t perfectly straight but it was trimmed.

Then Babygirl decided to get her hair cut and she made an appointment for me at the same time. I met her at the salon and she went first. Of course she looked cute. Her waves went the way they were supposed to. It was soft, it was shiny. Then it was my turn. I wanted my hair to frame my face. I wanted it to be three inches shorter. But I didn’t want my cowlick to show. Deb did a great job.There was no sign of cowlick anywhere. It came out better than I had imagined it. I was so super happy! I felt sexy!

Then I went outside and began the walk home.

The wind blew directly into my face. My bangs blew straight up and back. It like the scene in “Something About Mary”. The cowlick was there–front and center! All of my soft waves were gone. I got home and tried to run a brush through my hair. The static made it even worse. It looks nothing like it did earlier.

It never does. What’s up with that shit?

I turned my brush in the same direction Deb did! I flipped the sides in the same direction that she did too. I moussed. I sprayed.

It still doesn’t look the same.

But I still like it.

Sunday January 25th 2009, 9:44 PM
Filed under: birthday,desire,Monday,weight

Monday Moaning-I Want…..

I want….. to eat.

This is very different from saying “I am hungry”. The truth is that I am not hungry. This totally sucks. I want…something. I don’t know what.

Usually, I have a craving. Milk, yogurt, ice cream or cheese cravings signal a need for more dairy in my diet. If I want fruit salad or a regular salad, it usually signals to me that I haven’t been eating enough vegetables. The same with bread or cereal.(Lack of fiber) My cravings are usually very easy to read. And they normally are accurate about what my diet is lacking.

Except today. I want……I don’t know.

I went out for breakfast today. I had a huge Belgian waffle with fresh, warm blueberries. I had a small bowl of cottage cheese. I had a well-rounded meal. However, 2 short hours later, I wanted ‘something’.

You wanna know what else I noticed? I am bored. This is not good. ‘Boredom eating’ is treacherous to me. I am bored frequently in the winter. *Sigh* Not good.

I’ve been food shopping. I have a variety of chips, crisps and crackers. I have a box of chocolates. I have apples, oranges and grapefruit in the house. I have sherbet in the freezer.

I want………none of the above.

It might be a texture thing. I need to chew. Like a hoagie or a steak. Like a chocolate cake. Like strawberry pie. Like a bag full of Skittles. Like pepperoni and cheese. Like  a bowl of buttery popcorn….

I want…….this craving to pass!


Speaking of I want…

I want to wish Adam a very happy birthday with many more to follow.

May you have one wish come true for every hair on your entire body. That’s alot of wishes!!  :*

Monday November 03rd 2008, 12:02 AM
Filed under: desire,family,Friends,ineptitude,lessons,Monday

Monday Moaning-Sew What!

I cannot sew.

This is a fact that has cost me years of grief and ridicule by friends and family alike. No, I never took HomeEc in high school. But even though I enjoy doing needlepoint as a hobby, I cannot do a simple stitch.


I can pull together the edges of tear under the arms of a pair of longjohns in the winter. But it will only hold until Hubs can get around to doing it himself. I, on the other hand, solve it by buying new longjohns. I can quickly tack a hem into a pair of pants, but the stitches only hold until the  first washing. I now take pants into the cleaners and ask the woman in there to hem pants for me. The woman now laughs as I enter the store. “Why you no hem youself? It so easy even child do it!”, she says in her Asian accent. Thank God I like her so much. Otherwise I’d be annoyed by her teasing!

I have a sweater that I really like to wear. Unfortunately, the buttons pull free from the buttonholes. So I took them off in order to put on new ones that were only slightly bigger. I searched my sewing box (Yeah, I have one that is full of unfulfilled wishes) I came up with seven perfect buttons that matched and sat down to replace them on the sweater.

Button #1: Knotted the thread so badly, that I had to rip it out and begin again with new thread. (This was accompanied by a few “darns” “drats” and “phooeys”.)


Button #3: Don’t ask me how, but not only did I tangle the thread again, but I also ended up with a “noose” that held the button against my finger. I looked like an ass as I began again. (This was accompanied by a few “shits” “fucks” and maybe a “cocksucker”)

Button #5: I think I’ve gotten the hang of this. It’s not as hard as maybe I’ve made it out to be. I have already done two buttons perfectly! I’m so proud of myself!

I sit back and hold up the sweater to admire my newly acquired handiwork. It was beautiful!! It was a work of art!!

It was on the wrong side of the sweater. (This was  accompanied by “Motherfucker, cocksucker, penis breath, asshole sweater!!!!”)

I heard laughter. Babygirl and her boyfriend were laughing. Apparently HE knows how to sew buttons.

There’s got to be a way to get him to do this for me……

Sunday October 26th 2008, 10:02 PM
Filed under: desire,ineptitude,Monday,other shit,questions

Monday Moaning-What Vocabulary?

Them: ternate, laminate, baronet    Me: tern, baa, ear

I play “Scramble” on Facebook. It is a game like “Boggle”. There is a square of letters and you must find the words in adjoining letters. You have three minutes to do so.

Them: heriot, tribe, titre   Me: girt, ego, trio

I know words. I can spell them too. But I seem to have lost the knack of using them in conversation. Is it being surrounded by children all day that has caused them to fall by the wayside? I used to say things like “I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the language”. I would say “I am enamored of the author’s imagery”. Now I say “I like that book.”


Them: neritic, nereid, citrine  Me:  tier, tin, rye

I considered one of those “Word of the Day” calendars, but how in the world would I ever be able to use a word like “vitriolic” in a sentence during the course of my average day?

Them: sleaze, leaden, taels  Me:  sale, zed, sad

I can do the New York Times crossword puzzle – in ink- in under half an hour, and get all of the answers right, but I still say things like “Shut up, Butthead” instead of  “Withold your opinion, ignoramus.”

I iz use ta be smert.

Monday September 15th 2008, 6:30 AM
Filed under: Anger,family,Monday,other shit,questions

Monday Moaning-Division in the Ranks

Now that my husband and I have grown kids, we like to do the things that we always put aside. We now take vacations. (Sometimes more than one!) We now take in a show or two. (If I had my way, we’d see alot more shows.) We also like to go out to dinner, which we will do three or four times a month. These are the times that we socialize. Sometimes it’s just the two of us, and other times it’s in a group.

It is the group gatherings that are getting to be a pain in the ass.

Due to the non-smoking policies being enforced in restaurants and rental halls, gatherings are less of a gather.

When Dad passed away this summer, we had a nice luncheon with just immediate family. (In Hub’s family, immediate family includes aunts, uncles and cousins) Some of the extended family, we hadn’t seen in ages. But we still didn’t get to see everyone. The party was split into two: the ones indoors who don’t smoke and the ones outdoors who do.

Of course, not everyone goes outside to smoke at the same time. But if you finished your smoke and started to head inside, someone else was on their way out and said “Just stand out here with me for a second while I finish this cigarette.”

As a non-smoker, I got to visit with the ‘old aunts’ and the ‘little kids’, while all the cool kids were outside.

This is not a tirade against the smokers. I understand why people smoke and why they don’t (or can’t) quit. I have come to be tolerant when in a social setting.

My problem is with the Clean Air Act being enforced in restaurants and social halls with no leeway at all.

This means that I will be taken out to dinner less. This means that I will see less of my friends and family while they are outside. This means that when making plans of any kind, I must now go through the hassle of finding smoker friendly accommodations.This also means that when I want to dance at reception, I have to go outside, find Hubs, and come back to dance floor just in time for the next song to begin.

Before I hear from all the non-smokers that say they are grateful for the “unpolluted air” and “their rights are finally being recognized”, I’d like to say:

If you are annoyed by the smoke, why can’t you move or ask the smoker to move away from you? When asked, most will gladly do so. If you are annoyed, why can’t you be tolerant enough to ask that a ‘smoking area’ be designated inside where I can socialize with them too?

The smokers among my friends and family are not going to quit willingly. They will go outside like mailmen….in the rain, snow, sleet, and hail. In the cold, and in the heat…

and I’ll be sitting at my table, twiddling my thumbs….waiting for someone to come back in.

Or I’ll take up smoking again.

Sunday April 27th 2008, 10:54 PM
Filed under: doctors,family,Friends,happy,Hilly,Jester,Karl,kids,Monday,mr Fab,other shit,Turnbaby,VulgarWizard

This Just In….



This just in……Babygirl. She is finally home. I know ya’ll are prolly sick to death hearing about it, but I missed her something awful. She had a wonderful time, saw many wonderful things, and she claims to have brought home souvenirs for everyone (even though I have yet to see one of them!) She was in one piece, not pregnant and never got cavity searched by customs.

I had a great time hanging out with everyone at Karl’s, Hilly‘s and Fab‘s. (Sorry I missed you Turnbaby, but the kid trumped you on this one.) Jester, you are one seriously funny dude! The prank phone calls?……..pure gold! And VulgarWizard? LOOOVE the accent!

And lastly, My carpets are getting shampooed….and I’M NOT THE ONE DOING IT!!!Son1 will be doing the honors in preparation for the party he is throwing in my house on Saturday. Can I just take a moment to say….  “YEAH!!!!!”


I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to post for tomorrow since I am getting my needles done. Just know this….While you are all going about your jobs, I will be mainlining LEGAL drugs to send me into lala land! Will I be thinking about you? Most definitely……NOT! But no matter what, I’ll be here for HumpDay.

Cheer up….Monday is only 24 hours long.