I like a joke as much as the next person. I don't take things very seriously and I hope you don't either. Hope you didn't come here to whine 'cause I don't wanna hear it!
This is a fact that has cost me years of grief and ridicule by friends and family alike. No, I never took HomeEc in high school. But even though I enjoy doing needlepoint as a hobby, I cannot do a simple stitch.
I can pull together the edges of tear under the arms of a pair of longjohns in the winter. But it will only hold until Hubs can get around to doing it himself. I, on the other hand, solve it by buying new longjohns. I can quickly tack a hem into a pair of pants, but the stitches only hold until the first washing. I now take pants into the cleaners and ask the woman in there to hem pants for me. The woman now laughs as I enter the store. “Why you no hem youself? It so easy even child do it!”, she says in her Asian accent. Thank God I like her so much. Otherwise I’d be annoyed by her teasing!
I have a sweater that I really like to wear. Unfortunately, the buttons pull free from the buttonholes. So I took them off in order to put on new ones that were only slightly bigger. I searched my sewing box (Yeah, I have one that is full of unfulfilled wishes) I came up with seven perfect buttons that matched and sat down to replace them on the sweater.
Button #1: Knotted the thread so badly, that I had to rip it out and begin again with new thread. (This was accompanied by a few “darns” “drats” and “phooeys”.)
Button #3: Don’t ask me how, but not only did I tangle the thread again, but I also ended up with a “noose” that held the button against my finger. I looked like an ass as I began again. (This was accompanied by a few “shits” “fucks” and maybe a “cocksucker”)
Button #5: I think I’ve gotten the hang of this. It’s not as hard as maybe I’ve made it out to be. I have already done two buttons perfectly! I’m so proud of myself!
I sit back and hold up the sweater to admire my newly acquired handiwork. It was beautiful!! It was a work of art!!
It was on the wrong side of the sweater. (This was accompanied by “Motherfucker, cocksucker, penis breath, asshole sweater!!!!”)
I heard laughter. Babygirl and her boyfriend were laughing. Apparently HE knows how to sew buttons.
There’s got to be a way to get him to do this for me……
I play “Scramble” on Facebook. It is a game like “Boggle”. There is a square of letters and you must find the words in adjoining letters. You have three minutes to do so.
Them: heriot, tribe, titre Me: girt, ego, trio
I know words. I can spell them too. But I seem to have lost the knack of using them in conversation. Is it being surrounded by children all day that has caused them to fall by the wayside? I used to say things like “I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the language”. I would say “I am enamored of the author’s imagery”. Now I say “I like that book.”
Them: neritic, nereid, citrine Me: tier, tin, rye
I considered one of those “Word of the Day” calendars, but how in the world would I ever be able to use a word like “vitriolic” in a sentence during the course of my average day?
Them: sleaze, leaden, taels Me: sale, zed, sad
I can do the New York Times crossword puzzle - in ink- in under half an hour, and get all of the answers right, but I still say things like “Shut up, Butthead” instead of “Withold your opinion, ignoramus.”
Now that my husband and I have grown kids, we like to do the things that we always put aside. We now take vacations. (Sometimes more than one!) We now take in a show or two. (If I had my way, we’d see alot more shows.) We also like to go out to dinner, which we will do three or four times a month. These are the times that we socialize. Sometimes it’s just the two of us, and other times it’s in a group.
It is the group gatherings that are getting to be a pain in the ass.
Due to the non-smoking policies being enforced in restaurants and rental halls, gatherings are less of a gather.
When Dad passed away this summer, we had a nice luncheon with just immediate family. (In Hub’s family, immediate family includes aunts, uncles and cousins) Some of the extended family, we hadn’t seen in ages. But we still didn’t get to see everyone. The party was split into two: the ones indoors who don’t smoke and the ones outdoors who do.
Of course, not everyone goes outside to smoke at the same time. But if you finished your smoke and started to head inside, someone else was on their way out and said “Just stand out here with me for a second while I finish this cigarette.”
As a non-smoker, I got to visit with the ‘old aunts’ and the ‘little kids’, while all the cool kids were outside.
This is not a tirade against the smokers. I understand why people smoke and why they don’t (or can’t) quit. I have come to be tolerant when in a social setting.
My problem is with the Clean Air Act being enforced in restaurants and social halls with no leeway at all.
This means that I will be taken out to dinner less. This means that I will see less of my friends and family while they are outside. This means that when making plans of any kind, I must now go through the hassle of finding smoker friendly accommodations.This also means that when I want to dance at reception, I have to go outside, find Hubs, and come back to dance floor just in time for the next song to begin.
Before I hear from all the non-smokers that say they are grateful for the “unpolluted air” and “their rights are finally being recognized”, I’d like to say:
If you are annoyed by the smoke, why can’t you move or ask the smoker to move away from you? When asked, most will gladly do so. If you are annoyed, why can’t you be tolerant enough to ask that a ’smoking area’ be designated inside where I can socialize with them too?
The smokers among my friends and family are not going to quit willingly. They will go outside like mailmen….in the rain, snow, sleet, and hail. In the cold, and in the heat…
and I’ll be sitting at my table, twiddling my thumbs….waiting for someone to come back in.
This just in……Babygirl. She is finally home. I know ya’ll are prolly sick to death hearing about it, but I missed her something awful. She had a wonderful time, saw many wonderful things, and she claims to have brought home souvenirs for everyone (even though I have yet to see one of them!) She was in one piece, not pregnant and never got cavity searched by customs.
I had a great time hanging out with everyone at Karl’s, Hilly’s and Fab’s. (Sorry I missed you Turnbaby, but the kid trumped you on this one.) Jester, you are one seriously funny dude! The prank phone calls?……..pure gold! And VulgarWizard? LOOOVE the accent!
And lastly, My carpets are getting shampooed….and I’M NOT THE ONE DOING IT!!!Son1 will be doing the honors in preparation for the party he is throwing in my house on Saturday. Can I just take a moment to say…. “YEAH!!!!!”
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I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to post for tomorrow since I am getting my needles done. Just know this….While you are all going about your jobs, I will be mainlining LEGAL drugs to send me into lala land! Will I be thinking about you? Most definitely……NOT! But no matter what, I’ll be here for HumpDay.
Sunday night was trivia night on Turnbaby’s radio show. I like trivia. I have a gift for remembering stupid shit. But ask me to make a doctor’s appointment for you or tell me that a bill needs to be paid PRONTO and I will forget that I ever heard it. This tends to get me into a lot of trouble.
But that is not what this post is about. If you have been here alot, (okay maybe ever) you might know that I like my music loud, fast and angry. (Kind of like my sex) This doesn’t mean that I have no knowledge of other types of music. But I have noticed something more recently. During the trivia quizzes, I have been getting alot of those answers right! I am talking specifically about 80’s music.
I really hate 80’s music. If I hear it on the radio, I’d rather drive in silence. Seriously. I make alot of jokes about not liking Duran Duran, or the Pet Shop Boys but I asked myself…WHY? I opened my ears to listen and I noticed that some of this music isn’t half bad. I know all the words.I know the riffs. I know the performers. But why don’t I like it?
OVERKILL.
When these songs were new, they played on the radio constantly. MTV was just as new as the videos they played. The songs were put into heavy rotation. Lots of coming-of-age movies that were set in the 80’s used all of those same songs too. I became disgusted with listening to them and gave up on radio and videos in favor of casettes and this new thing called CDs. During movies, I would tune them out during the montage that seemed to be a requirement for the films. I realized that I missed huge chunks of movies because of the music. It was usually my cue to take a bathroom or snack break.
So I am wondering, is there anything that was ruined for you by overkill? A single movie played on tv constantly? A TV show that reruns repeatedly? What has been done to death for you?
In our local paper, there is a feature called “Sound Off” It is a forum for speaking out about anything and everything.Usually it’s full of commentary about politics, celebrity stupidity, and local happenings. Sometimes you get to read some strange shit in there too.
In the winter people bitch about a neighbor not shoveling or the snowplow missed their street and my personal favorite…the snowplow buried a car! (That’s always good for a laugh now that we don’t have to park on the street anymore!) But sometimes, someone shovels out a parking space and someone else parks in it.
Fast forward to summer. Complaints about loud car radios and motorcycles will fill the column. Kids playing basketball in the wee hours or just hanging out being loud will be fodder too.
All these things are valid complaints, but here’s my bitch–they all contain the phrase “How would you feel?”
“How would you feel if someone stole your child’s brand new bike right off of your deck?” “How would you feel if you lost your wallet and no one returned it?” “How would you feel if someone hit you with a snowball?”
I feel that if you leave a new bike on your deck without a lock on it, you’re taking your chances! Someone hit you with a snowball? It’s winter! What the fuck?! Someone has your wallet? Why didn’t you keep it somewhere safe?
My opinion on this is if someone is being a douche and treating their fellow humans so badly, what makes you think they are literate enough to read the paper? What makes you think they give a shit about how put out you now are? Do you seriously think they will suddenly become overcome with guilt and see the error of their ways?
Before I get going on my post, I’d just like to apologize to Miss Britt for beating her down last night at trivia in Turnbaby’s house. She put up a valiant fight as did MixedNut,Hilly, Absurdist and Shiny. The trash talk was all in fun and you, my dear are quite a worthy opponent!
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1. What movie is guaranteed to make you laugh? “Joe Dirt” I can watch it over and over and still laugh at David Spade’s mullet and Jaime Pressley’s redneck girl. I invariably end up saying “Dang” for the next twenty-four hours!
2. What movie is guaranteed to make you cry? Roberto Begnini’s “Life is Beautiful”. The scene where he is broadcasting his son’s voice over the PA system to the mom kills me every time.
3. What movie is underrated? “Four Rooms” It is four vignettes tied together by a maniacal performance by Tim Roth as ‘the bellboy’. It boasts a star-studded cast, eccentric characters and directed by Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Allison Anders, and Alexandre Rockwell.
4. What movie is overrated? “It’s A Wonderful Life” I know! Christmas classic and everything, I just don’t think it rates being played so frequently for the Holidays. Why not show it all year around? Mind you, I didn’t say I hated it! I just don’t think it’s all that.
5. Is there a movie that you will wake up for? “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” This is one movie that I don’t own and I LOVE IT! Bette Davis is in all of her demented glory as Jane and Joan Crawford as the bed-ridden Blanche is just too good for me to miss. Yes, I will set a clock and get up at three or four in the morning!
6. Is there a movie that will put you to sleep? “Patriot Games” with Harrison Ford. We own this and have chosen it together and I have yet to see it all the way through. I love Harrison Ford, but his presence onscreen isn’t enough to keep the sleepys away!
7. Is there a movie that you have memorized? “The Princess Bride” Who doesn’t have it memorized? It is one great line after another! “Mawidge! Mawidge is whot bwings us heah togever today!” I fuckin’ love this movie!!
8. Is there a movie that you hate? Oh I’ma die for this! I hold the hate of a thousandburning suns for the movie…..”the Notebook” Yeah, she’s got Alzheimer’s and he loves her and it’s their story he’s reminding her of, but you know that from the beginning and I can’t help but scream “GET ON WITH IT!!” I hate this more than “The English Patient” and I really hate that one too!
9. What is your favorite movie musical? “Chicago” -Murder, mayhem, trial, deceit and women in the hottest costumes…what’s not to love?
10. Do you have a favorite ‘bad’ movie? “The Toxic Avenger” It is SO bad that it is good to watch. The acting is horrific, the lighting is atrocious, and the script itself are all so bad I can’t believe that ANYONE actually said the words, “That sounds like a great idea for a movie! Let’s do it!” I watch it in amazement and laugh at the absurdity.
There you go. Some Movie Mania for a Monday. I just got nothing worth bitching about, so I give you a little more insight into Metalmom!
I’ve got a problem. Not the earthshattering, I-will-die-if-I-can’t-solve-it kind of problem, but a problem nonetheless.
I love to bake. I’m pretty damn good at it too, if I say so myself. I make breads, cakes cookies,pies and puddings. If it’s fattening–I can do it!
On Friday, I baked cookies. They were okay but they were not perfect. You see, it involves a lot of cursing, hair-pulling and a gun. Let me splain…
See these cookies? They were all supposed to look the same. (like the one on the lower left) All were made with the same batch of dough and the same gun. They are called ‘Spritz cookies’. Why are they all different? I NEED TO KNOW! I want my cookies to look alike!
Behold the gun. In the foreground, you can see the many shape discs. Dough goes into the chamber. Pull the trigger and out pops dough in the shape of the cookie. Easy, right? This is me I’m talking about so you know that is an impossibility!
This is how it looks coming out. Place the gun flat on the cookie sheet and voila! Cookie! TRY AGAIN! The dough stays stuck right where you see it. I made sure that my sheet was cooled and that the dough was chilled. I tried it with the dough room temp. It was just really difficult.
So! There you have it. My Monday Moaning. Can ya help a bitch out? Is it my recipe? My technique? Got an idea? These cookies are really good and I paid hellabuncha dollars for the gun! I’d hate to have to quit making them.
And Men…if you bake you can answer too, or ask your woman…or your mom…or your aunt….or the baker down the street…
Let’s try something new. I’m just not feeling the “bitch”, but it is Monday and I need something to moan about….
Things that make me moan….
A nibble on the neck while I am washing dishes or cooking dinner…….A nice soapy washcloth rubbed down my back in the shower(and you know I can’t reach my back by myself!)……A hot cup of tea on a really cold day ….. A wonderful kiss on the lips (you choose which ones!) …..
Sunshine coming in my windows before I am ready to wake up….Realizing that I have no idea what to write a post about……Cramps…..Watching a movie that I don’t like (for the 47th time ) just to spend time with Hubs…..
Creme Brulee…..Dark chocolate truffles……Settling into a nice, hot bubble bath….A great foot rub…..Walking into air conditioning after a long, hot workout…..A massage…
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