This just in……Babygirl. She is finally home. I know ya’ll are prolly sick to death hearing about it, but I missed her something awful. She had a wonderful time, saw many wonderful things, and she claims to have brought home souvenirs for everyone (even though I have yet to see one of them!) She was in one piece, not pregnant and never got cavity searched by customs.

I had a great time hanging out with everyone at Karl’s, Hilly’s and Fab’s. (Sorry I missed you Turnbaby, but the kid trumped you on this one.) Jester, you are one seriously funny dude! The prank phone calls?……..pure gold! And VulgarWizard? LOOOVE the accent!

And lastly, My carpets are getting shampooed….and I’M NOT THE ONE DOING IT!!!Son1 will be doing the honors in preparation for the party he is throwing in my house on Saturday. Can I just take a moment to say….  “YEAH!!!!!”

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I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to post for tomorrow since I am getting my needles done. Just know this….While you are all going about your jobs, I will be mainlining LEGAL drugs to send me into lala land! Will I be thinking about you? Most definitely……NOT! But no matter what, I’ll be here for HumpDay.

Cheer up….Monday is only 24 hours long.

Recently, Hubs got new phones  for Babygirl and me and had them added to his business account. This was considered the best thing since …..well, since ever. Babygirl would get unlimited texting (which she really needed-or so she said) I on the other hand, would get unlimited use on the weekend (Now I can call Mr Fabulous and Turnbaby on Sunday nights!)

He picked out new phones and surprised us with them. “Surprised” isn’t quite the word I would use. They were “functional”. (Code for UGLY!) Now, I personally didn’t complain. I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Babygirl, on the other  hand, stated flatly that she would not be seen even holding this monstrosity. Daddy took them back and got us pretty phones. These new ones needed a plan different from the plan he had gotten. So he got another plan too.

My new number is a different area code so we waited to see if there would be roaming charges. However, Babygirl got right into the groove of using her mad texting skillz. Even when her dominant hand was in a splint, she never missed a beat. The texting goes on before school, after school, during break at work, and interspersed through homework time.

The bill came yesterday. Of course our provider fucked it up. (I won’t use the name but it begins with ’spr’ and ends with ‘int’ ) They billed us for the original plan (Just Hubs-for business). And they billed us for a plan compatable with the ‘ugly phones’.  And they billed us for the current plan for the pretty phones. (Following me?) Over a THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

After we cleaned up the shit in our pants, hubs jumped on the phone to have a civilized conversation with customer service. (I would have made merchant marines blush) Now listen to this!  They were expecting the call! NO SHIT! Our account was red-flagged “expect these folks to rip us a new one!” Anyway….it was fixed. No harm-no foul. We spoke to a rep that spoke English clearly and who dealt with us efficiently. What are the odds of that?

Now here’s an interesting tidbit. Babygirl sent almost 8,000 text messages. EIGHT THOUSAND!!!  Are we bad parents? We didn’t tell her that the bill was straightened out. We showed her the bill for a grand and let her shit herself too.  Did she? NO.

“Daddy, you’re just gonna have to call them up. I distinctly asked for unlimited texting and it should be in the package. Fix it.”

And she proceded to text her girlfriend. Did Hubs flinch? Of course not! We’re talking about Daddy’s girl here!

I don’t have much of a post today but I would like to wish my bud Mr Fabulous a very happy birthday. Don’t plow your head through your cake. Or maybe I should say that if you do, put my slice off to the side first!

I’d like to thank you for making my days so much brighter. Every time I log onto your site, I am guaranteed to laugh or at the very least smile. It has become my own personal challenge to log on and see if I can get to the end of the post without smiling. (I have yet to do that)

No matter how blue I’m feeling, no matter how much I feel like puking from the flu, and no matter how much pain my back gives me, you make it all just that much easier to bear. You make every one of your readers feel like “the in crowd’ and each of your friends feels like they are the “most important” person in your life at any given time.

You call yourself an attention whore. You can be anything you want, honey. We come back time and again because we love you. EVERY BIT OF YOU!

Stop by his place and share the love… Or your skittles… I’m sure he’ll accept both!

Love you, Sweetie! 

This weekend really sucks. It is pouring outside. I mean buckets!! And the wind started up too. The empty trash cans in my yard are dancing in circles. I had to throw a brick into each to keep them from blowing away! A few of the branches on the trees around my house are tapping against the cable wires. This means my tv and computer keep popping in and out, making any kind of movie watching or blog reading a pain in the ass.

Secondly, Hubs and the boys are working this weekend. They are tryng to catch up with work that was put on hold during the “Flu Outbreak of ‘08″.That means it is Me and the Pup just hanging out. What about Babygirl, you ask? She is far too cool to chill with Mom!She will head out with Handsome to his house or else he will come here and they will sit in a corner and giggle into each other’s ears. (BLECH!) Nothing like being the third wheel to your own daughter!

I guess I will spend the day trying to figure out why the audio on my computer sounds like a Spaniard rolling his R’s.The stutter is making me nuts and this is UNACCEPTABLE-especially on a Sunday! This is my time to spend with my compadres. Mi amigos. YOU GUYS!

With any luck, I’ll have it figured out in time to listen to Vulgar Wizard at 1pm , Karl at 5pm, Hilly at 6pm, Mr Fabulous’s Big Birthday Bonanza at 7pm,  Turnbaby at 8pm, and Kyra at 9:30pm. God, I’m pathetic! I have absolutely no life on Sundays.

*Sigh* Whatever!

I had a very eventful afternoon yesterday and that is why I was unprepared with a post. (I will try to write one and tell you guys what happened!) But for now I’m going to give you this little nugget that I “borrowed” from Karl.

Speaking of Karl….Did you hear he’s got a show on Blogtalkradio? Check him out  on Sundays at 5PM Eastern. He’s the leadoff to an evening of fun with all of your friends, like Hilly (6PM) Fab (7PM) and Turnbaby (8PM) Join us won’t you?

And now, onto the Initial Game…

Here is what you do. Use the 1st letter of your middle name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things…nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person you took this from had the same 1st initial.

You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. Middle name letter: F

2. Famous artist/band/musician: Foo Fighters

3. 4-letter word: Fuck (Duh!)

4. U.S state: Florida

5. Boy name: Fred

6. Girl name: Frieda

7. Animal: Ferret

8. Something in the kitchen: Fermometer

9. Reason for being late: Food fight

10. Body Part? Flapping Fat

11. Drink? Fanta

12. Something you shout: Fuck Me!!

13. Something you eat? Fajitas

This  is a 7 Things Meme, which basically means that I’m supposed to list seven random things about myself. Stacy tagged me a week or so ago (God bless her little heart!) <–spoken with sarcasm! Step back-It might get big or messy…maybe both!

  1. I forgot to eat dinner tonight. Seriously. How does one do that? Son2 and Babygirl didn’t want to eat at home. Hubs and Son1 wanted to eat meat.(It’s Friday when I am doing this-I don’t eat meat on Fridays in Lent) so I figured I would wait until something good came to mind and then suddenly it was 10 pm!

  2. Although I am not a great cook (as many of you know) I am currently hooked on the Food Channel. I like to watch “Good Eats” “Iron Chef” “Unwrapped” and “Dinner Impossible”.

  3. About an hour ago,I trimmed one of my toenails too short. It kind of hurts and I hope it won’t become ingrown. What? Isn’t that random enough for you?

  4. I have Mr Fabulous’s penis in a box under my bed. I SWEAR TO GOSH! Actually it was the ginormous dildo that he used for part of his Halloween costume. I must remember to mail it to the girl with the sweetest tits!

  5. The index finger and thumb of my left hand are orange.I was eating Doritos. Mmmm!

  6. The song that sums me up is probably “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink-182. Yeah, I’ve been pretty juvenile today. And I said “Oh yeah? So’s your Mom!” to somebody in a sissy fight.

  7. The socks I am currently wearing are ‘quitters’.Why am I wearing them anyway? Because they are so fucking comfortable and I’m only going to bed soon anyway.

Time for the 7 Meme Rules:

• Link to the person who tagged you
• Post the rules on your blog.
• Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
• Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
• Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.I am tagging: NO ONE!!!!

The reason no one is getting tagged is because y’all bitch and moan about doing memes yet you steal them from each other like pens from the bank! (Me included!) So steal it and get your ya-yas out. It’s okay to feel like your doing something immoral….I won’t tell….unless you tag me next time!!

Some guy tagged me to do this. (I guess I will since I currently have NO LIFE!) 

It’s called Crazy 8’s. Now pay attention because I’m only doing this ONCE!

8 Things I’m Passionate About -Music, movies, books, family, kids, friends, my hubs, nail polish (I love it and it must be a certain kind) -Not necessarily in that order.

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die -Learn Japanese, visit Japan, parasail, scuba dive around the Great Barrier Reef, See Rammstein perform live, Become a Grandmother (SON1), have ALL three of my kids move out, become a bounty hunter.

8 Things I Say Often -”Fab, I promise to call in this week!” “Fuck you” “Bite me” “Don’t touch that!” “Bandit No!” “I don’t wanna hear it!” “I forgot!” “Oh yes, there”

8 books I’ve Read Recently -PA driver’s Manual, “Lisey’s Story” and “Blaze” both by Stephen King, “My Boring-Ass Life” by Kevin Smith, “Dirt:The Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band” by Motley Crue, “Brother Odd” by Dean Koontz, and the last Harry Potter book by JK Rowling. That’s all. And I’m not finished with 3 of them.

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over -”Ohne Dich” and”Rosenrot” by Rammstein, “Spirit in the Sky” byNorman Greenbaum, “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison, “Alone I Break” by Korn, “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin, “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones, and “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden.

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends- HUMOR! Sincerity, selflessness, generosity, honesty and willingness to gossip behind someone’s back-even at a funeral or in church.They must also be enthusiastic about singing my praises at every opportunity. Oh, and did I mention HUMOR?

8 People I Think Should Do Crazy 8’s -Grant, Stacy (cuz payback is a bitch and so am I), Trukindog, Teri, Lynda and Blondeblogger and anyone else who hasn’t  been tagged yet. BE HONEST! If you weren’t tagged yet, DO the fucker already!!

People please! I am only one woman! I cannot be expected to do everything that is demanded of me. I check my email every day and I am ever so popular.  Lemme tell ya about it!

I can’t live without Hanes t-shirts. I must slim down in two days, perhaps by using colon cleanse! I can join a gym for a limited time only or maybe I just say ‘fuck it’ and order myself some soup samples!

I can change myself into an ebay millionaire, a nurse, a cop or a mystery shopper. All I need to do is respond within 24 hours to be on my way to realizing my dreams!

I am repeatedly asked to fill out surveys, buy business cards, or buy ringtones. Don’t these assholes know that I have better things to do with my time? Important things like shave my legs, eat a pudding cup, pluck my chin hairs or take a shit while no one is in the house to interrupt me!

And I get these requests for pictures. “Send me your picture! I’ll send you mine!” I keep telling MattMan and Mr Fabulous to stop sending me these requests because guys, it just wouldn’t happen! Mainly because I think the Black Singles in my area have dibs on those!

The only one that is remotely interesting is for hunting knives. FINALLY!  An offer I can use!

Now if I can only find the people that send me all this shit, I’d have a serious use for a nice sharp gutting knife!!

 This meme is entitled Toast & Tea & Me and I stole it from Kapgar.

1. What is your occupation? I am a child care provider by day, and a super hero by night. I cannot divulge my secret identity.(But it rhymes with “kettle bomb”)

2. What color are your socks right now? I am rocking the Catholic school navy blue knee high socks. (But not the uniform-yet)

3. What are you listening to right now? Babygirl’s excuse for buying shoes that look like slippers.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Avocado slices on white bread.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? A what? I don’t drive ANYTHING-except when I drive my husband crazy.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? I told David I was going to get my hair done and he squealed.

7. Do you like the person who sent this meme to you? No one sent it to me but I do like the person I took it from. (Thanks Kev)

8. How old are you today? 45 years, nine months and 6 days old.

9. Favorite drink?Southern Comfort and Coke after 4pm. Earl Grey tea before that and cawfee light and sweet before 12.

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball and World Cup Soccer

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, when I was running from the police that one time, I went blonde.

12. Pets? My iguana, Baby, and the freak I keep leashed in my basement for my private amusement.

13. Favorite food? Steak– singed and slightly mooing.

14. What was the last movie you watched? Today I watched EdTV, the Truth About Cats and Dogs, The Final Cut and Valiant.(I was stuck on the couch!)

15. What’s your favorite day of the week? Sunday. We go out for breakfast, laze around reading the paper, watch a movie. Then I listen to my friends on blogtalkradio.

16. How do you vent anger? I turn on music,very loud, and clean the house.

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? My jigsaw puzzles and my brother’s Lincoln Logs, Legos and Tinker Toys.

18. What is your favorite season? Baseball Season. Oh and a tie between fall and summer.

19. Hugs or kisses? Yes, please.

20. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries!!

21. Do you want your friends to try this meme? Only if they would like to compare themselves with my greatness.

22. Who is most likely to respond? Hmmm…maybe Tug…maybe not.

23. Who is least likely to respond? Duh! Kapgar! Because I took it from him first!

24. Living arrangements? I haven’t made them yet, although I have considered my funeral arrangements.

25. When was the last time you cried? Thursday, when I realized that my iguana was seriously sick and could have died within hours of my finding her that way.

26. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, an umbrella, a skateboard and a large canister of legos (a combination of answer #1 and #17)

27. Who is the friend you have known the longest that you are sending this to? I will send this to no one because many people don’t like to do memes and others like them and they may have done this already. Who have I known the longest? In “real life”, Lostmahead. I’ve known her 30 years. In blog life, Mr Fabulous. I started reading him a little over a year ago.

28. What did you do last night? I visited my father-in-law in the hospital and then came home and hand fed my iguana water, and slept with her in my arms on my couch all night.

29. Favorite smell? The dusting powder the barber uses on Hub’s neck after he gets a haircut, and the smell of an infant’s head.

30. What inspires you? My friends and family.

31. What are you afraid of? Spiders. And of falling down the stairs when I’m alone in the house after I see a spider. And of spiders crawling on me as I lay on the floor paralyzed from the fall I took after I saw that no good spider.

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? A big, juicy bacon cheeseburger with pickles.
33. Favorite dog breed? Bull Mastiff. I’d love to own one if I had a farm for it to run on.

34. How many states have you lived in? Just one when I am home. But….. I have lived for more than a day in New Mexico, Georgia, Florida, and Maryland. (I consider vacationing to be “living somewhere else for more than one day.”

35. Favorite holiday? I had considered Halloween to be my favorite holiday since I was a kid. However, I was too bitterly disappointed this year. I think it will now be Christmas.

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Thank you to everyone who sent on their thoughts and prayers when I was a mess last week. Baby had gone through severe dehydration because our heat is now running full time. All exterminating spots have been thoroughly cleaned and we are currently trying to figure out how to keep the air ‘moist’ without ruining our office equipment or paperwork. Space is VERY limited so moving her will be tough!

She is eating baby food and cream of wheat.She is drinking a type of lizard ‘Pedialyte’. She is getting feistier by the minute and she is walking and starting to climb in her cage. The one thing I thought would NEVER happen is coming true.

She WILL be her old self! 

I have been asked to do an interview again. I feel like like Paris Hilton — all slutty and stuff! This time the questions come from Mr Fabulous who knows a thing or two about celebrity. (His name is FABULOUS!) There are other things to tell, so I’d best get started!

1. If I was your next door neighbor, what would I most likely say that I like best about living next door to you, and what would I say I dislike most about living next door to you? The best thing would be that there would never be a dull moment.You could watch me swat skeeters while I rake leaves or peek into my windows and watch me clean house in the nude. The worst thing would be that you could peek into my windows and watch me clean house in the nude. Oh, and occasionally, you’d hear me let loose a string of expletives so bad you’d grow your hair back.

2. If you had to pick one song to define you, what would it be? If you had to pick one song to define me, what would it be? “I’m A Bitch I’m A Lover” would pretty much sum me up and for you, I’d go with “Crazy Train” By Ozzy Osbourne.

3. In a movie about the blogosphere, who would play you and who would play me? Feel free to make any other casting decisions you want to. Hmm. I would be Jessica Biel (I LURVE HER!) DutchBitch (your fiancee) would be Jessica Alba, the role of Janna (your stalker) would be played by Angelina Jolie and for comic relief, Bluepaintred would be played by Tina Fey. You would be played by George Clooney (LOL!!!) And at some point in this movie (since it is fantasy) we’d all fall into a giant tub of jello and wrestle.

4. Do you think science will one day be able to biogenetically engineer a flying cat, and if so, do you think it will be mostly a pet for the home, or will there be military applications for such an animal? How much would you be willing to pay for a flying cat? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??? I HAD TO LOOK UP TOO MANY WORDS AND THEN –CAT!??? I hate cats. There are no uses for cats other than as a wallet or pillow case. I would only pay to exterminate them. (Before the firestorm–please refer to the name of this blog–thank you)

5. Have you ever met any bloggers? Which three bloggers would you most like to meet? Well, not yet. But in the very near future (like two weeks) I will be meeting “Family Tree Junkie” Teri. We’re taking a mini tour of Philadelphia wall murals. (Graffiti? Maybe, you’ll have to wait to see the photos) I can’t pick three!! I’d like to meet every one of you!!

******************************************************************************* BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!!

Mr Fabulous once asked me what my tattoo looked like.He also asked what Kokopelli was. Here’s the answer:

My tattoo is a depiction of Kokopelli, “a hunchbacked, dancing fluteplayer. He is generally believed to have been a fertility symbol”

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STILL MORE!!

Have you voted for Pointless-Drivel as Best Humor blog? GO! And the show!Pointless-Drivel Live! It’s on tonight — 7 : oo pm ET LISTEN, and CALL IN!!!

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There you have it — a Fabarama of fun! What better way to spend a Sunday?