This Tuesday was the first day of my last cycle of back treatments. I am so happy about this. I have already noticed a marked difference. I just need to remind myself repeatedly that just because there is no pain, it doesn’t mean I am ready for too much activity!

Last weekend, before the treatment, I noticed something about my pain. I was in alot of it on Saturday and I tried like hell to take it easy. On Sunday, it started out easier. We went out for breakfast but on our arrival home, as I was getting out of the car, POW! Now it was worse than ever. I tried to stay away from the meds because they make me feel too unfocused. 

The thing that I noticed, was that it isn’t always the percocet or oxycontin that makes me feel weird. No, my friends. Pain alone was enough to do it. I tried - really tried- to focus. I managed to do some wash….but I left it in the washer to get sour and smelly. I was going to make dinner….but first forgot to take out meat and then later, forgot that I was supposed to cook it!  I found it hard to have a conversation with Hubs because I couldn’t find the words I was looking for. I would say ,”Hey Hubs. I was just thinking….” and forget what I was thinking!

We went to the grocery store Sunday night to grab a few things. I figured that once I got home, I would drug myself up and then go to bed. I couldn’t make a choice to save my life. Thank God Babygirl was there to help me out!

Now for some time, I have thought it was either the pain pills or the depression meds that made me goofy. Now I know for sure that it was the underlying pain that caused me to be this way. (I am not planning to stop either meds, no worries)  Now that one half of my back is pain-free, I find myself with clear thoughts. I am able to start doing something during the day and I am actually getting things done! I can read more than one paragraph of a book or a blog. I can plan on calling my mom and I actually do it! I can take the pain meds and still function.

The weather is also very nice. I am getting off my butt and walking with the dog more. I can watch tv and remember what I was watching. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

Now I can’t wait to get the other side done!!

***Once again my laptop is wonky. Now I have an idea of what the problem might be.  I have an HP laptop and therefore if I see an HP update notice, I automatically click on it. As soon as I do, my Adobe programs don’t work consistently. That means no video links, no games, no blueprints sent to the business….UGH! Then I tried to update Adobe and it tells me I cannot load a GUI. I don’t even know what that is!!  So…How do I know what HP update is legit for me? FML.

***I had a few plants that were too big for the pots that they were in. They were actually starting to die because of it. So I went to Home Depot and got some potting soil and started to redo them. The biggest one, I put into a punch bowl to let the roots grow a bit. But a smaller one, I repotted. The next day, I noticed that I had gnats here and there in the house. I assumed that it was because of standing water with the plants.  I put out some balsamic vinegar to get rid of them and finally got around to repotting the big plant. I set up my gear and opened a brand new bag of soil. Fucking gnats came out of the bag! It wasn’t the water, it was the soil! FML.  (Got rid of the gnats, but still….)

***I can’t find my ear buds. I miss watching movies on the laptop and listening to my ipod. FML.

***My dog has stinky gas. My dog only wants to sit right up next to me. I gotta get up and move NOW to escape!! FML.

***I guess that means that’s all for today.

Is it too much to ask for an RSVP?

 I was only having a candle demonstration. It was a favor to Shenanigan. She would get extra party points if someone agreed to book at her party. Besides that, the girl from PartyLites was new. Shenanigan’s party was her first. So I volunteered to have a party.

Twice snow has forced a cancellation. Once it was just enough to wet the streets, but because the temperatures were so low, the streets froze. The other time, the cities were closed. This time, finally, the weather has cooperated.

One thing remained the same….no one knows what RSVP means.

This really pisses me off. It’s not a new thing. It’s happened before. If I wanted to call everyone on the day of the party for an answer, I wouldn’t have asked weeks ahead of time. I gave the date, hoping that they’d mark the calendar….way ahead of time….but no, suddenly, they all have plans. Don’t like demos? Fine. Just say so.

I don’t want to buy diet sodas for those that drink it. I don’t like it and if they don’t show, who gets to have it sitting around? Me.  I don’t want to make a big veggie tray or cheese and crackers because it will go to waste in my house.

I can’t imagine what it is like for someone throwing a wedding, or anniversary party. We will be throwing a graduation party for Babygirl and a 50th birthday party for Hubs. Both of these will involve lots of food and drinks. I swear to Jeebus, if you don’t RSVP, don’t show the fuck up at my door. I will suddenly not have enough food or drink for you….because YOU WERE UNEXPECTED!!!!

Last week, Hubs picked up some more meat that was on sale. This time he brought home a thick underblade steak. I was unfamiliar with this (because I don’t cook steak- he does) So I looked it up online and discovered that it isn’t recommended for grilling or pan frying due to the toughness of the meat. But I can sure do a roast so that is what I did.

On Sunday morning, I put it into a container with Italian dressing. (I am only now, after all these years, attempting this due to the fact that my family hates anything that is seasoned with more than salt and pepper) On Sunday before going to bed, I flipped it and put it back in the fridge. I was quite confident that I was going to cook this right.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling too achy to get up. I lay in bed watching television until I looked at the clock and realized that it was two hours later than I had planned to get the crockpot fired up! I made my way to the kitchen and pulled my crockpot out from under the sink, which is the only cabinet large enough to store it. I plugged it in to heat while I seared the steak on the range.

It smelled so good! I cut up a large sweet onion, added some beef broth and minced garlic and finally added the steak. While that started, I peeled some carrots and cooked them just a bit on the stove to be sure that they would be tender.

I kept getting an odd whiff of something every so often…..a sort of  ’rubbery’ smell. I looked everywhere in the kitchen and I just couldn’t find where the culprit was. Maybe it was just the smell of the marinade that had cooked on the steak? I don’t know. I added the carrots, along with some potatoes and covered the pot. Then I continued my day.

I took a shower and as I opened the bathroom door, I still had the smell in the hall. I went into the kitchen and searched again. At this point I was convinced it was the marinade, and I hoped that it would dissipate before the guys came home from work.

Hubs came home early-of course! I asked him flat out if he could smell something. “Like what?”  I described it as ‘very warm or hot rubber’. “Is it possibly a wire casing? “  He sniffed around the kitchen and the dining room and said he didn’t smell a thing! (How could he miss it??)

Next, the boys came in. Son2 smelled nothing and went upstairs to get cleaned up. Son1 humored me by sniffing all over like a hound dog. “Mom I can’t smell anything.”  So I finally had to accept that perhaps it was my imagination or guilt at having tried something new in my cooking.

We ate dinner. Oh.My.God!!  That roast came out so incredibly tender!!  I will definitely buy one of those again and I will definitely use marinade again. Everyone ate their fill and complimented me on dinner-something that rarely happens around here!

Later, I cleaned up the leftovers. I unplugged the crockpot and emptied out the food. Then I took out the ceramic ‘pot’. Lo an behold there was a rubber stench that came out of the bottom. I looked inside and there was yellow goo.

What the fuck is that???

As I tried to wipe/scrape it out, I figured out what it was…..

While it was stored under the sink, I managed to put one of my cleaning gloves in the bottom. It never occurred to me to look inside before placing the ceramic pot in. Now….my poor baby…my crocky…..my best friend when I’m not feeling well….is dead. (Believe me- DEAD. Hubs and I have both tried to clean out the gunk.)

After they had a great big chuckle at my expense, Hubs and Son2 promised that I will get a new one…..as long as I promise to make that roast again!

I am a cranky, miserable bitch. There I go, stating the obvious.

I am having a perfect storm of ‘bad’.  Not my husband, kids or friends. It’s me. Capital M. Capital E. I am constantly bitching at my poor Hubs. He knows something is wrong but is afraid to ask. We are so in tune to each other that he knows that I will bite his head off if he says “What’s wrong?”  He is being ever so sweet. He helps me clean the house. He helps with Bandit. He cooks me breakfast and orders dinner. But it doesn’t make me happy.

Babygirl has been so happy lately. We (she) is getting all of her FAFSA papers filed. She hasn’t argued with me. She has cleaned her room.(mostly) She helps with the laundry.She has chosen her roommate for next year and they are like long lost friends. It will be a good pairing.  But it doesn’t make me happy.

A major part of the problem is that the doctor has cut the dosage of my antidepressant in half. (”Let’s see how you make out with less of a dosage. Maybe we can wean you off of it.”) I learned my lesson about that. I would stop taking it every spring so that I could take something for my allergies. In the summer, I am out in the sunshine more, and therefore, I am happier. But as soon as September rolls around, I am depressed, and I have to ask the doctor to put me back on them. This is the first year I have stayed on them and I am very happy with the results that I have been having. I am humoring Dr. Asshat for the next week or so. Then he will have to humor ME.

Another part of the problem is that the pain in my back has worsened. This isn’t the first time it has happened after a series of shots. But it is the first time that I am in excruciating pain that keeps me in a constant cycle of sit/stand/walk every half hour or so. My pain meds are not working completely. I called his office today and we are in the process of getting me into the hospital for my neuralytic. This is the only thing that has made me happy.

I haven’t been thrilled with movies or music. This is highly unusual for me. I had been writing and now I look at the page and it takes too much effort for me to reread and find my place again. I log onto Facebook and aside from a comment here or there, I don’t even want to hang out there. This has not gone unnoticed by my friends. I am Ms Crankypants. I have lost my funny. I am the cheerleader. The clown. The jokester. Now if anyone says anything to me, I have a very curt answer. I am cynical. Cold.

Now that I have filled this page with an explanation, it is obvious to me what my next step should be.

I don’t think I’ll wait a month for Dr Asshat. Fuck that.

I want ME back.

Hubs just fucked things all up for me and I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

One month ago:
Hubs: “What do you wanna do for your birthday?”
Me: “Paint the bedroom and bathroom. Don’t take me out to YOUR favorite restaurant for MY birthday. Don’t waste money we don’t have. That is all.”
H: “Wanna go to a beef and beer?”
M: “No, I hate them and I don’t want to hang with your sisters on MY birthday. I am planning on going to Donna’s or hanging with Linda”
H: “OK”

This morning:
M: “So….for the next two Saturday nights, you’ll be on your own. Whatcha gonna do?”
H: “What do you mean ‘two Saturdays’?”
M: “Next week I rescheduled the party ( I had to cancel a small party due to the weather) and the  week after that I’m going to Donna’s for Linda’s and my birthday.”

This afternoon:
H: “Here” (hands me two tickets) We’re going to a beef and beer on the thirteenth”
M: “WHAT THE FUCK??”
H: “What? I thought it would be cool to go out and do something different.”
M: “You don’t drink beer and I have plans!”

I MARRIED A FUCKING MORON!!!!

Can ya tell I’m not happy?
I am trying to unload those tickets…fast!  $25.00 a piece for something I don’t wanna do and he won’t drink beer!!!!! What was he thinking?????

Men, when your woman’s birthday comes around, do something nice or nothing at all!!!  Take us to a new restaurant….NOT YOUR FAVORITE!! If you ask her what she wants, CHOOSE THAT! Believe me, she’d rather have a bottle of bubble bath from the Dollar Store, a plastic flower, or even have you order pizza for dinner one night without her having to ask you.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In October, I ended up in the hospital suffering from stomach pains.  The diagnosis?  Diverticulitis. Small little pockets grow on the sides of the intestines and manage to catch all the little things that you might see in a groovy shit. (Raisins, nuts and oh yeah, corn) It is manageable and mainly depends on carefully watching what I eat. This new way of eating consists mainly of avoiding nuts, seeds and many raw vegetables. ( I must say that my snacks of choice are popcorn, a handful of nuts or any kind of berry-mainly blackberries. These are now considered no-nos.)

But the best was yet to come….

It was necessary to endure a colonoscopy. Ah, yes. The supreme violation of my delicate, virginal asshole.This was not something that I was excited about so I put it off. Past Halloween. Past Thanksgiving. I was feeling great so I decided to ignore it altogether. But alas, the holidays are chock full of hidden dangers. Walnuts, almonds and peanuts are everywhere in brittles, cookies, and chocolate covered delicacies. I indulged in them all. A week before Christmas I had to see the doctor who told me that ‘we’ would schedule the test for the 23rd. Not the 23rd of January, but of December…..two days before Christmas.

Fine. What the fuck ever. Let’s do this.

Anyone who has had one, can tell you that it is not the procedure itself that is the -pardon the pun- pain in the ass. It is all the ‘prep work’ that sucks. It is the little, bitty pills that cause your stomach to cramp and your bowels to clench in pain.  It is the clear fluid in the little green bottle-magnesium citrate to be exact- that causes your intestines to turn themselves inside out.

The doctor told me to drink one bottle of hellwater at 7am. This ended up being a whole fiasco on it’s own. That shit was horrid!!!  On my countertop, I lined up the hellwater, a tall glass of Gatorade, and then a glass of water. I downed as much as I could without throwing it all right back up. Quickly, I pass on to the Gatorade, which only served to give me a funky taste and feel in my mouth. Appalled, I rushed to the water to rinse my mouth.  You know when you are drunk, and you know that you are going to throw up? That hideous rush of saliva into your mouth? The rapid succession of breaths that come out like Lamaze? Yes, my friends. That is what happened. I had to hold it together, because guess what? If you don’t do this procedure ‘just so’ the hospital may end up giving you an enema. 

Uhhh, yeah. Not for me.

Within half an hour, every bit of food that had EVER crossed my lips in my entire life seemed to be shooting out of my ass in a deluge. I don’t remember anything after I sat on the toilet. The white-hot cramps seemed to lift the top of my head off and stars crossed my vision. I stayed there long enough to read two full chapters of a book I was reading. No lie! (Heh! I almost said ‘no shit’)

Later on in the day, I took the diuritic pills and then repeated the  horror of the hellwater at dinner time. Believe me when I tell you that I lost 15 pounds that day. Ask Hubs. I made him look at the scale because I thought I was delirious!!

The next day, I went to the hospital and I was in and out in no time. (Yes, I said “in and out”)  They put me to sleep and I woke up when it was done. I couldn’t believe that all that prep was needed for something so fast!

The bad news was that I had a couple of polyps. The good news was that they removed them. The better news was that there is no cancer. But worst of all?

I get to do this all again in one year. Don’t worry. I won’t forget about it or ignore it.

Hubs made sure to ask the doctor’s office to send a reminder in November. 

Ilovemyhusband.Ilovemyhusband.Ilovemyhusband……

and then

My laptop went into  ”GeekSquad General Hospital”  for a week.  I needed to get to the root of the problems that she has been having.  So once she froze ( I was unable to shut her off at all!)  I took her in ‘as is’.  The geek looked her over and said,  ”Hmm…”  He touched her buttons and proclaimed, “There is only one crash listed here.  There is picture,  audio, quick response,  and to tell you the truth, I don’t see any major problem.”

Of course there isn’t anything wrong!  The system had just been rebooted.  Does that erase any log of previous crashes? I don’t know.  I hadn’t had audio for two weeks and suddenly, Voila!,  he gets it right away.  Even though I had gotten  ’black screen’  repeatedly,  he got a well behaved laptop.

And so, he kept her for a week to try to replicate the crash,  to tweak the system, and to clean that dirty, dirty bitch.

During the week, I had to use Hub’s computer. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, except that….

He downloaded a ‘Trojan”.  It was wonderful.  My thoughts were to try a reboot and if it didn’t work,  just suck it up and pay a geek to come to the house and look it over.  But we are talking about a man.  Not just any man, but  my “I-can-do-anything-if-I just-play-around-with-it-long-enough” man.  He pounded buttons.  He deleted programs if he never heard of the name.  He went into the control panels. (He is LESS computer literate than I am!!)

From 10pm until 2am, the sounds of clicks, sighs, and restarting computers emanated from the den. I was startled from my sleep by shouts of “What the fuck?”  “Are you kidding me?”  “No, No, No!!” and my personal favorite “You will obey me!”

Eventually, he came to bed and I was finally able to sleep.

When I woke up, I poured myself some coffee and Hubs came into the kitchen to get his cup too. “You can check your emails before I use the computer. Just make sure you wait until each page loads completely before touching a button.”

He had done it. It worked….sluggishly, but it worked! We went to the store and bought a new security program which he installed -all by himself!  And it is still working!! However, as far as my blogging was concerned, it was far too slow for me to use without getting extremely frustrated.

And so, I pined for the return of my baby.

I got her back last night and so far, she is acting like a new laptop.  She is speedy.  She is getting along with all of her programs.  I can hear movies and CDs and videos.  She shuts off and turns on right away.

I didn’t get charged.  But I have been instructed to bring her back - again, ‘as is’ -  if anything should happen again.  No rebooting,  no battery removal, no slamming her against the floor.

I guess now I can tell you about all the other  ‘procedures’  happening around here……

Just one thing at a time.  I don’t want to overwhelm her.

At nine days into the new year, I made a New Year’s Resolution.  Normally, I try not to make one because I usually fail to keep them. But this one might be different.

Babygirl has been saying that she needed to get her hair trimmed. She’s eighteen and at that age, you always have an opinion on your looks, so I heard it, but didn’t pay too much attention. Her boyfriend is still on winter break, so they made plans to get haircuts on Saturday.

I was also bitching about my hair. It is d-a-m-a-g-e-d! I color my hair myself and I abuse it with a straightener. The heat dries it out, and so I over-condition it too. During one of my many complaints, she said “Why not come with us.”

Now, I would have said no, what with not wanting to be a ‘third wheel’ but I needed help that the local salon wasn’t able to give (It’s the type of salon that tints the old ladies’ hair blue and gives them a set on Fridays) Besides, not being a girly-girl, I only go to the salon and get it trimmed once a year.It was long overdue and I jumped at the chance.

I met Matt, who said “Girlfriend, you have some serious hair! Tell me about it!” And I did. I explained the damage and also filled him in on other details. My hair has cowlicks all over and only half of my hair will hold a curl.(Hence the straightener). He stood back and began…

Have you seen “Edward Scissorhands”? Remember the scene where he styled the dogs and the neighborhood women? Well, that’s what it looked like. Snip, snip, snip went those skilled hands and the scissors. My hair began to disappear one inch at a time.

Matt took off six inches and worked with every cowlick on my head. He found a way to disguise the thinning spot on top. He did everything I had been asking stylists to do for years!!

To say that I am happy is an understatement. I didn’t expect to get results like this from a place called “Quick Clips”

And so, my friends, my New Year’s Resolution is this:

I intend to treat my hair better, use the products that I need to use, and go visit Matt and have him help me maintain…..more than just once a year!!