I like a joke as much as the next person. I don't take things very seriously and I hope you don't either. Hope you didn't come here to whine 'cause I don't wanna hear it!
I went to the doctor for a checkup on my thyroid function last week. It seems to be working okay, except for one thing. I’m not losing weight. This is a concern not only for me but for the doctor as well. I’m not getting younger and this could be serious further on down the road.
I know y’all are probably tired of hearing about this, but it’s weighing (HEH HEH) heavily on my mind.
I’m exercising. I’ve cut out a majority of the carbs. I gave up the Southern Comfort (except for ONE- only once a week). I stopped using butter. I’m eating more veggies. And still nowhere.
So the doctor gave me something called Alli. It binds with the excess fats in my meals so that my body doesn’t absorb it. It simply passes through.
Quickly.
Did you ever hear of ‘olestra’? It’s that stuff that made the news when someone made potato chips with this stuff. It caused “anal leakage“.
Yup. You read that right. “Anal Leakage“. As in ‘Hershey squirts’. As in ’skitters galore’. As in ‘fart+ shit= shart.’ As in ‘fart + poop = foop”.
If I take this stuff I run the risk of the sharts.
The horror is that I’m considering this. You see, it is used as behavior modification , kind of like those dog collar shocker things. If the dog goes beyond the boundaries set, he will get a shock. So he learns not to do that. If I go beyond my allowance of fats, I will have “digestive consequences”. (Yeah, that’s what they call it.) I will be forced to learn a new way of controlling what I eat.
As long as I pay attention, I have no problems. If there is a reason why I am eating a high fat count meal, I simply don’t take the Alli (hence I won’t gain the benefit of having that fat ‘flushed’.) I can expect to safely lose approximately 3 pounds a week. After I stop taking Alli, I should be accustomed to eating a diet with lower fat counts and a steady amount of calories. Eating differently would mean keeping the weight off.
I know I could probably just alter my eating habits on my own, but knowing myself, I will cheat. There will be no consequences for bad behavior. The Alli will keep me accountable.
I tend to stick close to home unless I take the kids somewhere. Besides, they are headed back to school next week. I have a treadmill, so I won’t have to stop walking. (I’ll go back to walking outdoors once my body adjusts.) This doesn’t have to be an embarassing undertaking for me.
What do you think? Do the pros outweigh (heh heh again) the cons? After all, I will be under a doctor’s supervision.
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when the doctor simply prescribed ‘yellow jackets’ or ‘black beauties’? There’s got to be a shyster out there willing to hook a bitch up with some legal speed!
On Monday, August 18, at 12:01 am, an event of epic proportions will commence.
No….not the Summer Olympics. That was last week.
No….not the X-Games.That was the beginning of the month.
Miss Britt and Karl will be quitting…..not blogging!!SMOKING!! Yep, you heard me! Some of you out there will be joining them in this endeavor. And y’know what I have to say about that?
FUCK YEAH!!! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
I am a former smoker. And I know it takes a lot of hard work. My Hubs still smokes, that assho–well, this isn’t about him.
It’s about all those who will soon be turning into edgy, bitchy, nasty animals. Nicotine withdrawal is horrible. So bear with them when their posts get nasty. Stand by them when they twitter about how much they want a smoke in their mouth. And don’t give up on them when their only response to your encouraging comments is “BITE ME!”.
** Seriously, can anyone imagine what it will be like to talk to
Britt and not hear the deep, lung-exploding
inhale??? Me neither! I can hardly wait!!
Really, everyone who is quitting is deserving of my respect. I hope it isn’t too stressful for you. I wish all of you success.
Oh, and if you do succeed?…….I will stick my tongue down your throat, allow you to video it and put it on your blog. Now go forth and smoke no more!
*I washed Babygirl’s favorite pillow (it was covered in drool). After washing it, it got that “sour smell”. I’m hoping I can get the smell out because I spent $16.oo on that damn pillow 4 years ago!
* I thought I finished all the laundry…and then I found a full basket of dirty stuff hiding behind a door. Why does that shit always happen??
*I forgot to thaw out a roast I wanted to make for dinner. Instead we are having eggs and bacon.
*There were trucks all over the street but not a man was to be found working……what the fuck is up with that??? Maybe that’s why we’re still waiting for the street to be finished!
*I made a doctor’s appointment for Babygirl to get a physical……at 9am on the day after an evening wedding and reception! Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Now I have to reschedule it! What the hell was I thinking?
* I am in desperate need of a shower. My hair is greasy and I’m sweaty from playing and walking with the kids and my shit-eating dog. So I think I’ll end this and get into the shower before someone else steals my idea!
What the fuck is happening to the Metalmom I used to be? Where is my edge? Where is my sarcasm? When was the last time I had a good bitch on a Monday morning?
All of a sudden I’m like a girl…..
Love this, and love that…..I miss this, I miss that…..Isn’t this wonderful?……I’m discussing FEELINGS for crying out loud!
Go ahead. Tell me that it must be hormones……SHUT UP! I’m allowed to get girly…..
Shit! Now I’ve gone and done it…..I’m crying. Snot running out of my nose. What a wuss!
Someone! Quick! Call 9-1-1! Call NYCWD!!! Something is wrong with Metalmom!!
Today I did laundry. I did dishes. I emptied trash that I didn’t make! I walked, fed and played with the dog. I scrubbed the kitchen floor…ON MY HANDS AND KNEES!
I washed the windows on the front and back door. I picked up my shoes. I folded laundry. I cleaned my bathroom.
If you were here while I was gone, please step forward…….Don’t act like you’re innocent! Step up and accept the consequences!…….Fine. You’ve forced my hand and I now have to name names…..
Flipflopmomma, I only gave you guys four rules and you broke almost every one! Thanks for not pooping in the sink! But did you really have to invite those frat boys with you? How young were they? Eighteen? (Shit-Good for you!)
LovingAnnie, you tried to clean up the evidence–I can tell you did—but there were still signs of mayhem everywhere. Froggywoogie, a hole in the back yard filled with water is not the same as a Jacuzzi! Apparently the Rottweiller that tagged along with Delmer fell in and was more than a little hungry. Luckily for everyone on my blogroll, he ate one of the assassins (the other was given Grant’s address–and I swear I don’t know who did that!)
Turnbaby, don’t sit there smiling smugly as if you did nothing! So you didn’t find any vodka left. Girl, you sure do have a nose for the bourbon though! Well, I hope you enjoyed the case that you found. It was supposed to be your Christmas present, so no gift for you!!
Now for the threesome! Yes, I know it was you DutchBitch, BubbleWench and Slick! I found the pictures on my camera of DB resting her head on BW’s boobies while Slick filmed it! I didn’t know that’s the type of DVD you were looking for! BW-you gave yourself away by leaving your tiki mug behind. And btw, Slick, “Redneck Rondayvoo” is not a good name for the movie!
Teri, I am ashamed of you! I heard rumors of you and Dick Small locked in the bathroom. I didn’t want to believe it. Annie tried to clean it, but I can still see “Teri Loves Dick” written on the wall! I hope you at least had the sense to wait until MixedNut showed up with the condoms! Speaking of Mixed….the beer distributor keeps calling to ask for those kegs back. And did it have to be a Zydeco band? That is just weird!
Sista#2–putting cheese into the popcorn popper will NOT make cheese puffs! You owe me a new popper!
This is going to be the last time I leave you freaks the keys to my world! You simply can’t be trusted!
*********************
Oh, and can someone pick up Nobody? He’s still passed out naked on my front lawn! Thanks for leaving this photographic evidence of his debauchery. Mrs Nobody is gonna love this!
Once upon a time, Hubs did a job that required him to get up in the middle of the night to go to work. He worked in businesses that had to be closed in order for him to work, or in areas where motor traffic would be a danger to him. The point is, he’d leave me alone in the wee hours.
Babygirl had just been born, but she was a very good newborn, who slept through the night. In fact, she slept through the night until she was two. This meant that even though I was awake at two, three or four am , I had nothing to do.
Why did I need something to do? Because I find it hard to sleep alone.
I can sleep in the bed alone when I am sick or when I am exhausted. I know that Hubs is in the next room and it’s comforting. I can go to sleep when I know that he is getting up to go to work. He will leave at five or six and I can definitely go right back to sleep. But those late night jobs were sometimes in areas that left him vulnerable to crime or where he was working alone with no backup in case of injury and that thought kept me awake.
He left a short time ago. He left to work in another state and he will stay overnight and come home Friday. It is raining, so I will sit here typing this while I worry about him driving on the highway. I will most likely fall asleep again around 8am. That is when I expect him to call and let me know that he made it to his destination.
After all this time being married, I certainly enjoy being able to stretch out on the bed. I like the comfort of the “middle”. I can fall asleep with the TV on if I feel like doing so. But I miss the certainty that come with knowing exactly where he is. Not in a “hovering wife” kind of way, but differently. I find it hard to explain.
Tonght (or more precisely this morning), I have finished doing laundry and will now fold it. I am just about finished packing for vacation. My house is pretty much clean and the dishes are done. What is left?
What’s left is to snuggle with my puppy and wait for the phone call that will finally put me back to sleep.
I have never been one to suffer from coulrophobia-a fear of clowns. I have been to the circus and haven’t had a strong reaction to them. The guy down the shore in the dunk tank–while being nasty in his baiting of passers-by–has never frightened me either. I think I have always hated them strictly on principle. Men in make-up… how very Dee Snyder!
I’ve seen the movie “It” and Tim Curry made me laugh with his sneery threats.
I have also seen “Spawn” and John Leguizamo knocked the clown character into a new era of creepy, sarcastic sadism.
Alas, still not scared.
Perhaps I didn’t find them scary because the character was a clown. I viewed each movie with the understanding that, much like Godzilla was the monster, the clown itself was the character.
Most recently, I have found myself getting…..creeped out. The clowns that creep me out now are men. Men parading as clowns. The first of these was Sid Haig as Captain Spaulding in the Rob Zombie films “House of 1000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects”. I think he scared me because his character,a member of a sadistic,murderous family, could possibly be real.
Last night, I met the new focus of my clowny fear. Heath Ledger as “the Joker” earned every word of praise that has been heaped upon his portrayal in the current Batman release. His extremely dark sarcasm and over the top expressions were beyond the ‘creeped-out” stage. The fact that it is possible for a person to become insane makes the character downright scary. Just viewing the Joker in the movie trailers has been enough to make me uneasy.
Yes. Even though I felt uneasy with the trailers, I still went to the movie…..AND LOVED EVERY SCARY SECOND OF IT!
*and then I came home and had a bad dream……..a very bad dream……..mission accomplished, Heath.
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I wish it wasn’t true!
