Friday March 26th 2010, 11:03 AM
Filed under: family,Friends,Grant,ineptitude,lessons,owies

Suicidal Tendencies

“What’s wrong?”


“Are you sure? You look like something’s bothering you.”

“I said ‘nothing‘ okay! Leave me alone!”

How many times has this been said in your home, or on tv? What comes after that?  A kid stomps to their room, slams the door and turns on some music.

“Everyone hates me. They’re all mad at me. I wish I was dead.”

“Oh stop being so dramatic. You’ll be hanging out again soon enough.”

Every girl goes through this at least once. Two girls like the same boy. Their other friends take sides, and suddenly one of them is the outcast. Is the adult wrong? Not really.  They will be hanging out soon enough, but at that moment in time, it is the end of the world for the girl.

“Will you stop moping over that girl? Go get a new one. Stop being such a pussy!”

“There’s nothing wrong with my kid. He/She is a teenager! All kids are like that!”

Parents with problems of their own, or those who are just out of touch with their kids would respond  like this.

A few weeks ago, two girls stood in front of a train and killed themselves. Last week, a young man hung himself. After both incidents, the newspaper was filled with tips for “identifying the warning signs of suicidal tendencies”  What happens when a parent confronts a kid who denies feeling like that? At what point is a teenager supposed to know the difference between ‘drama’ and ‘fact’ with their friends?  If a parent is in denial, what then? It is another crack for a lost child to fall through.


Son2 has had some really shitty things to work through. Several times, I would worry that he might do something like this. I would watch him like a hawk. I would jump if I heard a loud bump in the night, or if the phone rang while he was out late at night.  Too often the first scenario played out. He would go to his room and I would cry, feeling too helpless.  Hubs would just shrug it off and say, “He got himself into this and he has to learn that these are the consequences.” It never made me feel any better. But Son2 didn’t want to talk about his feelings (or maybe he couldn’t put it into words.) Did that make me any less a good mom?


I feel such pain for those parents. The girls were 16. The boy was 18. Far too young to leave this world.

But I feel so incredibly frustrated when I read the newspapers. They write these columns that say “if you follow these signs, then you will save your child.” There must be something else.  

I followed those steps. I watched, I talked, I prayed. Son2 denied having fears, depressions, any problems whatsoever.

I just got incredibly lucky.

Thursday March 18th 2010, 7:59 PM
Filed under: happy,ineptitude,other shit,owies,Uncategorized


This Tuesday was the first day of my last cycle of back treatments. I am so happy about this. I have already noticed a marked difference. I just need to remind myself repeatedly that just because there is no pain, it doesn’t mean I am ready for too much activity!

Last weekend, before the treatment, I noticed something about my pain. I was in alot of it on Saturday and I tried like hell to take it easy. On Sunday, it started out easier. We went out for breakfast but on our arrival home, as I was getting out of the car, POW! Now it was worse than ever. I tried to stay away from the meds because they make me feel too unfocused. 


The thing that I noticed, was that it isn’t always the percocet or oxycontin that makes me feel weird. No, my friends. Pain alone was enough to do it. I tried – really tried- to focus. I managed to do some wash….but I left it in the washer to get sour and smelly. I was going to make dinner….but first forgot to take out meat and then later, forgot that I was supposed to cook it!  I found it hard to have a conversation with Hubs because I couldn’t find the words I was looking for. I would say ,”Hey Hubs. I was just thinking….” and forget what I was thinking!

We went to the grocery store Sunday night to grab a few things. I figured that once I got home, I would drug myself up and then go to bed. I couldn’t make a choice to save my life. Thank God Babygirl was there to help me out!

Now for some time, I have thought it was either the pain pills or the depression meds that made me goofy. Now I know for sure that it was the underlying pain that caused me to be this way. (I am not planning to stop either meds, no worries)  Now that one half of my back is pain-free, I find myself with clear thoughts. I am able to start doing something during the day and I am actually getting things done! I can read more than one paragraph of a book or a blog. I can plan on calling my mom and I actually do it! I can take the pain meds and still function.

The weather is also very nice. I am getting off my butt and walking with the dog more. I can watch tv and remember what I was watching. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

Now I can’t wait to get the other side done!!

Monday January 25th 2010, 7:42 PM
Filed under: assholes,doctors,Hubs,lessons,other shit,owies

Short Procedures-Pt. 2

In October, I ended up in the hospital suffering from stomach pains.  The diagnosis?  Diverticulitis. Small little pockets grow on the sides of the intestines and manage to catch all the little things that you might see in a groovy shit. (Raisins, nuts and oh yeah, corn) It is manageable and mainly depends on carefully watching what I eat. This new way of eating consists mainly of avoiding nuts, seeds and many raw vegetables. ( I must say that my snacks of choice are popcorn, a handful of nuts or any kind of berry-mainly blackberries. These are now considered no-nos.)

But the best was yet to come….

It was necessary to endure a colonoscopy. Ah, yes. The supreme violation of my delicate, virginal asshole.This was not something that I was excited about so I put it off. Past Halloween. Past Thanksgiving. I was feeling great so I decided to ignore it altogether. But alas, the holidays are chock full of hidden dangers. Walnuts, almonds and peanuts are everywhere in brittles, cookies, and chocolate covered delicacies. I indulged in them all. A week before Christmas I had to see the doctor who told me that ‘we’ would schedule the test for the 23rd. Not the 23rd of January, but of December…..two days before Christmas.

Fine. What the fuck ever. Let’s do this.

Anyone who has had one, can tell you that it is not the procedure itself that is the -pardon the pun- pain in the ass. It is all the ‘prep work’ that sucks. It is the little, bitty pills that cause your stomach to cramp and your bowels to clench in pain.  It is the clear fluid in the little green bottle-magnesium citrate to be exact- that causes your intestines to turn themselves inside out.


The doctor told me to drink one bottle of hellwater at 7am. This ended up being a whole fiasco on it’s own. That shit was horrid!!!  On my countertop, I lined up the hellwater, a tall glass of Gatorade, and then a glass of water. I downed as much as I could without throwing it all right back up. Quickly, I pass on to the Gatorade, which only served to give me a funky taste and feel in my mouth. Appalled, I rushed to the water to rinse my mouth.  You know when you are drunk, and you know that you are going to throw up? That hideous rush of saliva into your mouth? The rapid succession of breaths that come out like Lamaze? Yes, my friends. That is what happened. I had to hold it together, because guess what? If you don’t do this procedure ‘just so’ the hospital may end up giving you an enema. 

Uhhh, yeah. Not for me.

Within half an hour, every bit of food that had EVER crossed my lips in my entire life seemed to be shooting out of my ass in a deluge. I don’t remember anything after I sat on the toilet. The white-hot cramps seemed to lift the top of my head off and stars crossed my vision. I stayed there long enough to read two full chapters of a book I was reading. No lie! (Heh! I almost said ‘no shit’)

Later on in the day, I took the diuritic pills and then repeated the  horror of the hellwater at dinner time. Believe me when I tell you that I lost 15 pounds that day. Ask Hubs. I made him look at the scale because I thought I was delirious!!

The next day, I went to the hospital and I was in and out in no time. (Yes, I said “in and out”)  They put me to sleep and I woke up when it was done. I couldn’t believe that all that prep was needed for something so fast!

The bad news was that I had a couple of polyps. The good news was that they removed them. The better news was that there is no cancer. But worst of all?

I get to do this all again in one year. Don’t worry. I won’t forget about it or ignore it.

Hubs made sure to ask the doctor’s office to send a reminder in November. 


and then

Tuesday January 05th 2010, 10:20 PM
Filed under: assholes,doctors,family,Grief,Hubs,other shit,owies

Only Tuesday?

Well, yes it’s only Tuesday. I wish the week would just fucking zip by while I go to sleep.

Sunday was spent taking it easy. We just got to hang out and watch movies. (Which, as you know, is one of our favorite things!)  In between the movies, I would look over at the Christmas tree, just dreading the thought of all the crap that goes along with dismantling the tree. I never just stop at the tree. All of the stuff that goes on the tree gets stored  underneath everything else, so it follows that I must take the other stuff down too. The thought was exhausting. As we finished off one movie, the phone rang. Hubs’ cousin passed away due to complications of pneumonia. ‘A’ fought valiantly through the holidays but in the end was no match.


Our week was not looking good..

Monday came and with it, the visit to the doctor. We each woke up feeling relatively normal. Hubs checked out a small job and I managed to do laundry, and clean the ‘piles’  in the yard. The afternoon trip to the doctor changed all of that. During the examination, he ran his knuckle along my spine.  NOT COOL!  I was almost in tears!  He pushed on Hubs’  back and set off his back as well. Now we sat there-in horrible pain- and the doctor informs us that the insurance company wants to cut a “6 step” procedure into a “4 step” procedure. (Not just our insurance…ALL of them) He explained to us the logic that insurance companies are using. Then he explained the way our “6 step” dealy works. Now, I am not a doctor and neither is Hubs (although it is one of our favorite games.) Even as ‘medical illiterates’ we could understand how dangerous a proposition this could be.  Anyway…without too many details, we may join our doctor in a class action lawsuit against the insurance company. We will be David to the insurance company’s Goliath. I am not going to hold my breath.

Today I took down the tree. It was a long, tiring undertaking and I worked alone. While not exactly in pain, I’m just tired and achy. Son2 called to say he was in agony with a toothache. He has no dental insurance and work is getting slow for him again. He can’t catch a break. This means that Hubs and I will most likely end up helping him to pay the dentist. And Babygirl’s orthodontist bill is due next week…and Bandit needs shots….and our shots will begin….and yadda yadda fucking yadda….

Thursday will bring grief all it’s own when we travel out of state to his cousin’s funeral. Fifty-two is  just too goddamned young to die from pneumonia. That is only two years older than Hubs and that is a scary thought. I’m tired of grieving. It is too much of a weight on my soul, my heart, my…..

Hey! Maybe that’s what making my back hurt! All that motherfucking weight I carry on my heart…..

And the week marches on…..

Sunday January 03rd 2010, 6:58 PM
Filed under: celebration,doctors,happy,Hubs,owies,weather

It’s That Time…

It’s that time of the year again. No, not the new year, not the white sales, not holiday returns.

It’s time for……the needles.

My back is always hurting on and off, sometimes it’s enough to take tylenol or ibuprophen. Other times, it’s necessary to use the Lidocaine patches or percocet. Lately, it has been more frequently the latter. All the preparations for Christmas didn’t help matters much. Now that the holidays are over, it’s time to repack all the pretty decorations…..and time to start aching again.

Hubs is such a manly-man. “Let me carry that for you”, “Don’t lift that box” and “Stop vacuuming” are often heard when he is around. But his back is no better than mine!  He is just better at hiding it than I am.  A few weeks ago, we had snow….lots of snow. According to the weathermen, we had one inch higher in a twenty-four hour period than has ever been recorded in the Philadelphia area. And rather than waking up our son, Hubs wanted to shovel. This is something he really enjoys. So on came the boots and gloves, and out into the storm he went.

He did all the shoveling that was ‘necessary’ and suddenly no more than that. His back hurt. He took a hot shower, some ibuprophen and went to bed. And didn’t get out of it for two days. Then we had our Christmas Eve party and he carried bags of ice, cases of soda and held nieces on his lap and threw nephews into the air and threw his back out again. This time, he didn’t tell me. He just medicated himself and got through the holidays.

All the hostessing at my party tweaked my back too. And then standing and sitting on hard chairs at my SIL’s house and my mom’s house didn’t do it much better. Eventually, I was also in lots of pain.

Hubs and I began to squabble over the heating pad, who would stand up to let out the dog or answer the phone. We bitched about who was staying in bed while the other one got up to do this or that. We carefully watched that neither of us was hoarding the meds.

Now that everyone is getting back to their jobs, the doctor has also returned to his office. We will see him Monday, and make arrangements to get our shots and the epidurals  into the nerves. We will go on the same days  and at the same times.

We are so excited.

Isn’t it pathetic that we can get so excited about a medical procedure? It sounds like a romantic getaway!

I can barely contain my joy!

Thursday December 10th 2009, 12:48 PM
Filed under: family,holiday,love,owies

I’m Gonna Take One For The Team

Getting ready for last Christmas damn near killed me. I had lists and lists of things to do–things that I have done ever since I got married. I dust baseboards, unpack and wash the holiday dishes, endless baking, and the interior of the windows. I did most of it because I would move the furniture around to make room for the tree, or because no one else would be able to get them done. And when I did them, my back hurt for days, leading me to take the pain meds and lay down in bed for a few days more.

This year is different and it shows.

I refuse to go through the pain again. I feel too damn old for this shit. I don’t have kids running around here lately so I should have almost everything done by this point. Instead, my list looks like this:

1.  Bake cookies (I have no eggs. I’m not baking)

2.  Hang the garland around the living room ( Hubs hasn’t put the lights up yet so I have to wait)

3.Vacuum the steps (Vacuum is too heavy for me do this alone.)

4. Do laundry ( I have three piles of clothes–none large enough to justify running the washer)

5. Sort ornaments so that I can give some to the son who moved (I need someone to help me dig out the box. )

6.  Dust the baseboards for lights and room for tree (Furniture is too heavy)

7.  Wash curtains in the den (Can’t reach over the desks)

I look around my living room and I can see a few snow globes and a ceramic tree with lights. I have wreathes on my doors, and an empty Santa cookie jar on my dining room table. But that is it. I am sitting here typing this and I feel like my days are being wasted. In two weeks, Christmas will be here. I have a sneaking suspicion that by the time the weekend rolls around, I will fill myself with pain pills and lidocaine patches and begin doing all that I have put off. Babygirl is working not only for Christmas money but also to fund a trip in the spring. Son2 is also working, still at two jobs. Hubs is busy too, and when he’s not, his back is as bad as my own. But he will do all the chores on his own list without a word, and end up in his own world of pain for the next days.

It is up to me, because I alone have the time to lay in bed if I need to. I can take the medication that will make me too drowsy to be of use to anyone. Well, that and if I don’t do it myself, I will aggravate everyone and myself  by overseeing the work and not being satisfied to the point of screaming “Just give it to me!!”

These are the sacrifices that I make…..actually, not just me but many, many other people. We pass up our own comfort for the comfort of others. So many occasions have tasks of their own to be completed and in our family, everyone has their own holiday.

Christmas is mine. It is the best because I get to open my house to family and friends. I like my house to look festive and welcoming. I like for it to smell of cakes and cookies baking, giving off inviting aromas.

Now that I’ve typed this all out, I feel guilty. I should do it now so that I might have a week for resting…..

I’m gonna take one for the team.

Monday November 09th 2009, 8:06 PM
Filed under: Anger,family,Grief,ineptitude,owies

Can You Hear Me Now?

You wanna know what’s on my nerves? My parents. More precisely, their lack of logic where cell phones are concerned. Lemme splain….(Go get a  cup of coffee, change the baby, grab a pillow, whatever. This might be long….I’ll wait….)

My parents went on vacation for two weeks. They do this every fall. During those two weeks, I leave them alone. My brothers sometimes take their kids and join them for one weekend of fishing. This has been going on for years. A couple of years ago, we got them a cell phone. Just a basic, no bells-and-whistles phone. It gives us peace of mind to know that if they had an emergency, they wouldn’t be stranded.

Flash forward…..

I am in the hospital a few days into their vacation. I don’t know how, but they heard and I got a call from mom.

“Hello? It’s me Mommy. What’s wrong with you?” Just like that. Not an inflection of concern. It was more like I was annoying her or interrupting her vacation. The signal to the hospital was horrible and I blurted out, “I’m going to lose my connection. Hubs will call your cell” . No sooner had I said that, the signal was indeed lost.

We rushed to call her back because if we didn’t….well, you know parents…..! No answer. No voice mail. This number is temporarily unavailable.

Their phone was not on.


Oh well, if I was dying, I’d leave it to my brothers to give them hell for not being at the funeral, you know?

So I got out of the hospital and within a day or two it was like nothing had ever happened. On day three, my youngest brother called.

Our grandmother, Dad’s mom, was in the hospital. She is 93 and, while not sickly, she is frail. Plus, my Aunt Anna who just passed was her eldest daughter. It has taken a toll on her. Anyway, she has a blood clot. It may cause trouble this minute, this week or never. (This is the same thing that killed my aunt very suddenly) But regardless, Dad needs to know. NOW. Because what if…..? My brother is panicked. What if she is dying right now? What do we do??

He came to my house. We called my sister and other brother. They are both at work so we get no response right away. While we wait for them to contact us, my cousin calls to say that Mom-Mom is resting, and stable, but to still come and see her “in case”. My brother said, “That’s it. I know where they are. Let’s drive to the shore and get them” I know this is the only thing that will calm him down so I agree to go. My sis showed up and the three of us hit the road.

We stopped at the hospital, which was midway between home and the shore. Mom-Mom is tired. But she is stable and they will let her go home in a day or two. This calms us down a great deal and since we have seen her and told her how much she is loved, if something-God forbid- should happen, we have seen her. Now Dan is angry. Dad should be there. Why aren’t they answering? We are GOING TO GET HIM. There will be NO DISCUSSION. And so we hit the road yet again.

When we got to the shore, Mom and Dad were surprised to see us. After we tag-team yelled at them, we found out why the phone was off.

When they go out to surf fish, they don’t want it to get wet. So they leave it in the house. They turn off the ringer when they go to bed. They sometimes forget to turn it back on.

I understand that parents get older and they forget things. But if they forgot to pack a sweater, they would turn around and drive back for it. If they were afraid that they left the iron plugged in, they would call one of us or a neighbor to check. But they don’t see the urgency involved in having the cell phone.

While we stayed and had dinner with them, Mom begins telling us ‘a funny story’. While surf fishing, the tide started to come in. So mom moved their bait and cooler back further in the sand. Dad was going to walk back for the rods, but waited for the waves to go out a little more before he got his shoes wet. After a second, they realize that the tide is coming in too fast and the waves won’t be heading out again. Dad wades in to get their rods. And then…..his feet get sucked into the mud. My mom-all five feet of her- wades out to help dad (who is 6’3″) Like she can do anything!! Eventually they get unstuck and look back at their cooler and notice that they are on a tiny mound of sand surrounded by ocean!


They manage to wade in waist-deep water back to the shore but they are soaked in frigid ocean water in the cold October wind.

“Well, we came right home and had coffee and started a fire. I was so happy that we didn’t lose those rods because together, they cost us $125.00! Isn’t that so funny? We had to buy new shoes!! HAHAHA!”

We were dumbfounded. We weren’t laughing.


Ugh! Well, we were ‘over-reacting’ and our nerves were just frazzled because Mom-Mom was in the hospital.

I don’t think so. When people tell me that as our parents age, they become the children and we become the parents. I always took this to mean that we would take care of their day-to-day needs, clean them when they become incontinent, make sure that they don’t hurt themselves or start a fire. I didn’t  know it would include yelling at them for being so thoughtless, so irrresponsible, more interested in getting their fucking fishing rods than getting out of the ocean!

That day was a cruel slap in the face. It was coming down to us to notify my dad that his mother was ill. It meant worrying enough to drive two hours to find them. And it now means that we have to double check on them more. They are not incapacitated in any outward way, but I am afraid that we will have to be on the lookout for the signs. The slip of memory. The lapse of judgement.


It’s scary when the future is the huge wall that I slam into face first.

Monday November 02nd 2009, 10:24 PM
Filed under: doctors,family,Grief,other shit,owies

What Up?


When I sat down to write the last post, it surprised me to find that I had been away from the blog for so long. Oh I had stuff….tons of stuff. Just not the time. And even then, when I did have the time, all I wanted to do was put my feet up, or walk the dog, or open a book.

During my absence, I was sick. I had managed to get the flu in all of its feverish, mucus-filled glory. This  was the visitor that wouldn’t leave. For two weeks it held me in its grip. I hated to even move my eyeballs, but I did. And I survived.

Towards the end of the flu, I suffered the sudden loss of my Aunt Anna, who was also my Godmother. I got a call on Monday that she was in the hospital and that after the testing, I could call to ask how she was doing. On Tuesday, before I could make that call, my mom called to tell me that she had died of a blood clot in her lung. It was enough to steal my breath with its suddenness. The rest of week entailed the business of death. The viewing, the funeral, the burial and then the business of reconnecting with family. I saw cousins that I hadn’t seen in years, the same cousins that were in my back pocket for the majority of our childhood!  They (and I) have gotten ‘thicker’  and grayer, but the smiles are the same, as is the laughter. We are all hoping to start having a “Pot Luck Cousin’s Dinner” every other month. I hope that we do. Those links are far too important to lose.

Then last Saturday, on Babygirl’s 18th birthday, I was felled by a sudden pain in my stomach. It was so bad, that a trip to the ER was required. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and promptly put into a room that would be my home for the next few days. I took tons of antibiotics, ate lots of jello and had more than my fair share of broth. I was a good girl and they let me come home on Wednesday, armed with more antibiotics and a list of  “dos and don’ts”. Now I feel normal and I have been doing my usual routine of yardwork, laundry and dinner.

It feels like a never-ending list of things. I hate getting sick. I try to eat well and take my vitamins. I stopped smoking, and although I enjoy a drink or two now and then, I am far from being a raging alcoholic. At what point do I become a healthy adult?  *Sigh* At least I have it better than many others….

Tuesday October 06th 2009, 9:41 AM
Filed under: happy,love,owies,pets,weather


I opened my eyes this morning to see brilliant sunshine outside my window. I slept the whole night through, didn’t have kids until 11 and was actually in the mood to walk today. All in all, I was ready to seize the day by the balls.

But first….

I had to say hello to Bandit. He charged the bed in his excitement for a hug. He licked my face and I managed to scramble out of bed before he could slobber all over me.

I managed to dress for a walk quickly. I grabbed my shoes and began to walk out of the bedroom and as I did, I turned around and made eye contact with my widdle snookie-poo.

He stood on the bed, his tiny nub of a tail twitching wildly with joy. My heart melted at the sight. Only my dog can love me so much that his entire body vibrates with anticipation of time shared with me. I went to the bed again for one more hug. He was just too cute for words, and I scooped him into my arms to carry him into the living room.


With a quick pop, I felt a muscle pull. I dropped the dog and watched him roll with surprise.

I managed to pull a muscle. I don’t know what it is called but it is the one that runs just under my boob and runs around to the center of my back…it follows the line of my bra. It hurts to inhale. It hurts to move. I can’t take off the bra or the weight of my droopy boob kills me. The bra itself kills me. Even sitting her barely moving hurts me.

Kids will be here soon.

On such a beautiful, sunshiney day, I will pray for the kids to be happy watching videos, or building stuff with legos….when they should be outside playing!  :((

I wish I was a tough cat.


Wednesday September 23rd 2009, 12:48 PM
Filed under: Friends,lessons,owies


I got a phone call today. Lostmahead had heard through the grapevine that the mother of a mutual friend had finally succumbed to cancer. It had been a long fight and this friend had been busy keeping up with this and juggling her own life. Anyway, Lost wanted to know if I had heard or if I had seen an obituary in the newspaper. I hadn’t, but I thought I’d check Facebook to see if maybe she had posted anything about this.

I couldn’t find her on my ‘friend list’.  Huh. Whattaya know ’bout that? I’ve been unfriended.


Other bloggers have written about this. They have mentioned the sting of the so-called ‘bitch slap‘. It was now my turn.

This was  a girl I had been very close to in high school. She moved away and we lost touch for a bit. We ran into each other at a viewing for a friend but she showed no interest in keeping in touch. I would later learn that she had met a man that she wanted to marry and she was reinventing some of her past. This ‘new her’ didn’t include certain friends. I was one. Lostmahead and I would wonder about her for the longest time. Was she married? Her kids were getting older. What were they like now? Did she have grandkids? Was she happy?

We were incredibly happy when we were contacted through Facebook. She was there. We chatted both online and off. She wanted both Lost and I to come to her house- with our families- to have a barbecue and reconnect with each other.  Unfortunately, I had several obligations for the weeks that she had wanted to do this. I told Lost and another friend to go ahead without me. There was no reason why they should miss out.

And so they did. From what I heard, Friend  spent the time flitting about, constantly leaving her guests to check on her adult children  and their kids. They lived with her. What would happen during that barbecue that wouldn’t happen at any other time?  Anyhoo, while Lost wanted to hear about the ‘here and now’, Friend wanted to to dwell in the past.

That was weeks ago. I was somewhat glad that I had not gone. I would have been really annoyed to know that my “hostess” wasn’t very interested in spending time with the guests. I would have said something that I couldn’t take back.

And now it’s come full circle. She will step away from our friendship yet again. She will give no reason and leave this all to speculation. I sent a short note that read “Have I done something to hurt you?”  but I seriously doubt that she will respond.

What was I supposed to do? Jump at the invitation? I may have wanted to, but like I said, I had other things planned. After the many times we had tried to reach her and got no response, she wanted me to go through hoops so that she could ignore me too?  Fuck that shit.

I survived for 29 years without her in my life and I think I can survive the next 29.