Time is not a very good diet buddy.

I haven’t gained weight but I seem to be stuck at only having lost 10 pounds. I have started watching two new kids and they keep me busy. I thought I would be burning extra calories just chasing after them but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Now, instead of sitting down to a fully balanced breakfast, I am barely remembering to eat a bowl of cereal. Instead of taking my time and eating a large salad, I am only grabbing a banana or an apple for lunch. By dinner time I am starving. But I still try to eat well.

Exercise-wise, I’m not walking as much as I hoped. The 2 year old doesn’t want to walk or share the stroller with her 8 month old brother. He still naps alot so that also puts a crimp in things. By the end of the day, I am so exhausted that even though I may want to walk on the treadmill, I can’t even muster the energy to pull it out. My days off consist of piled up laundry, housework, cooking substantial dinners for the men and giving my dog his neglected attention-time.

Something has got to give. It is certainly not the fault of the Alli. That is working well, given the circumstances. I’m still not having any “distress episodes” but without being as diligent as I was before, I’m afraid that I will be stuck with only 10 pounds lost.

*sigh*

But I’m not quitting! I intend to keep trying. I just have to figure out how to fit the exercise in!

It was still dark. I could hear Bandit jingling his collar. It was time to go out.

I opened my eyes and peered through the darkness to the clock. 4:53 am. Damn. The breeze coming through the open window told me that I wasn’t going to be happy.

I pulled on sweats and tucked in the hem of my nightgown. (You might think “who cares?” but let me tell you, four of my neighbors are leaving for work at that time of the morning!) I slipped on my flip flops and went into the yard.

Sweet Mother Mary! It was chilly! My nips hardened so quickly, it hurt!

Bandit must have sensed my impatience because he hurried through his pee and quickly copped a squat. Business finished, he raced me to the door.

It was a good thing that Hubs had decided to use the bathroom. Bandit and I jumped onto the bed, found Hubs’ warm spot and snuggled in to warm each other.

Today was the first morning that it felt like fall. I shiver just thinking about what’s to come!

My house was clean.

The laundry was all done.

Dinner was cooked and only needed to be heated up.

My head hurt and I decided to lay down for a second with my blankie.

I fell asleep.

I woke up wet.

My dog peed on me.

Why didn’t he wake me up nicely??

I’m not very happy with the animal kingdom lately. First the spider, and now my dog.

Yes, I still love my snookie-wookums. He is still the cutest widdle bundle o’ fur in the world.

BUT….

I have taken all the balls away from him. I have taken all the rubber things away. (Stop right now if you have something dirty to say about those comments!) He had a little fishy and a caterpillar made of rubber. He tore the hell out of them and I began to find bits of them in his poop. So I took them away, one by one.

He had a rubber bouncy ball and a tennis ball…even a large softball. Those he couldn’t tear up, he now rolls under the furniture.

Constantly.

He has had them roll under the television stand. Then he lays on the floor and scratches the finish on the cabinet and it is getting ruined. I want to throttle him! I want to punish him….but he’s so cute!

They go so far under the couches that I have to get down on my hands and knees to retrieve them for him. Otherwise, he will dig at the covers and whine until he gets them back.

This is the worst. Not because I have to get them back for him, but because he has invented a new game. It’s called “Let’s jump on mommy’s back while she’s sprawled on the floor” A variation on this game is “Hey! Bite mommy’s hair and pull on it until she yells” But his favorite variation is “Ha,Ha!!  I can bite your butt from here!”

I was really looking forward to not having kids around for a few weeks. Instead I was blessed with the ultimate bratty child…..

The hardest one to train!

I have become quite smitten by my pup Bandit. He is now my constant companion, exercise partner and late-night movie watching company. He follows at my feet all day. We went through a very small rough patch with his housebreaking but he’s doing great for a five month old.

This weekend, he fulfilled one of my biggest fantasies.(Get your minds out of the freaking  gutter!!)We went walking on a leash. It is not new that he is on a leash. We have done this before. He just never wanted to walk further than the next door neighbor’s driveway. Now that the weather is nice, we ventured out. He walked like one of the dogs you see on the AKC dog shows. I was so proud. He didn’t acknowledge the other dogs that barked at him and only once did he try to run towards some kids. I only had to say “Bandit, Back” and he was beside my ankle. Inwardly, I screamed “FUCKIN’ A!!”

When we went home however, there was a problem. Son1’s pug Maggie was in the house. Usually they just chase each other around the living room. Also, Bandit had been smaller.Now he is as tall as Maggie (but 20 lbs lighter). They began chasing each other but it soon escalated into something more.

Being smaller than Maggie, Bandit was more agile. He maneuvered his way around her quickly. The only way Maggie could deal was to lay on top of him. With her weight, it was too much. The barking started. Soon Bandit was growling. Maggie seemed to think this meant “Sniff my ass and then crush me again.” Then it happened.

Bandit whirled around and bit Maggie. Maybe that isn’t quite right. He grabbed onto her upper lip. The part that hangs. He got a piece and wouldn’t let go. I separated them and took Bandit into another room. He calmed down and Maggie calmed down and we let them into the same room again. Bandit sat at my feet like a good boy.  Maggie came over and plopped her fat ass on him again. Again he growled. So I yelled at Maggie.

Son1 took this as an insult. I was yelling at his dog. I’m sorry, WHAT? MY HOUSE!! My dog was defending himself. I don’t want to alienate my son or his dog. Maggie visits every weekend but this shit can’t continue in  my home. She disrupts the routine and causes Bandit to act inappropriately. Hubs says let it go because she is only at our house one day out of the week. I say, Maggie may be 5 years old but she can still be trained. He’d better get a handle on her behavior-there’s a new ‘alpha dog’ in this house!

Is there some way to teach Bandit not to bite her? I’ve never had a dog like that. With summer coming, I’ll have extra kids around here. The last thing I need is a bitey dog! I’m open to suggestions.

Just don’t suggest that I get a cat!

I have a headache. And it’s a doozy! Here’s an effortless post and I know, it’s later than most. So sit back and enjoy the pussies.

Cute cat….whatever.

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How come when you are with a room full of people, you fart loudly and when you are alone, they are quiet?

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Why don’t birds fall out of the trees when they sleep?

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Orange-Which came first? The color or the fruit?

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Why does corn show up in your poop no matter how much you think you have chewed your food? Discuss amongst yourselves.

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Am I juvenile? Yep. You know it and you love me anyway. Have a good weekend!

Just a few curious things.

1.  I’m not psychic. Surprised? Anyway, a couple of friends have accused me of being in their heads. These are not places that any normal person would like to visit. Not only that but I have picked up the phone to call my mom and a girlfriend and both answered on half a ring(!) only to tell me that they were on their way to call ME! Weird huh? Wooooo!

2.  What’s the weather like where you are? Today was awesome. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the squirrels in my yard were a-humpin’  like rabbits! After my nap, I took Joslyn and the pup out for walkies. It seems like forever since I’ve been able to do that. I CAN’T WAIT FOR SPRING!!!

 3.  Did anyone see the news about the pope making up new sins? What is the deal with that? (asked in my best Seinfeld voice) What? No cloning? No stem cell research? Bite me!  No drug abuse? Fuck that! Where did it say “Do not perpetuate homelessness, hunger and illiteracy in thine own back yard?” Pope Benny! Get a grip on that staff of yours and yank it a few times!

4.  Does this count as a bullet post if I didn’t use bullets and numbered the items instead?

5.  Who took my NIN CDs? Two of them. Fess up! If it was you, I swear, I’ll make your life unpleasant!

That’s all boys and girls. Thanks for stopping by and have a pleasant biteme day!

What is freewriting? Freewriting is writing whatever comes to mind, usually writing for a predetermined amount of time without regard to spelling, grammar, structure, etc. and no editing is done. We have chosen five minutes for right now, we will add or subtract from that in the weeks to come as we see fit.

I’m jumping right in:

I went  to the doctor’s for a checkup. My cholesterol is a wee bit high. HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING IT? I am eating lots of beans, vegetables,portobello burgers amd veggie burgers.I eat oatmeal for breakfast and rice cakes for snaks andto top it off, I ‘ve been a little queasy still so I’m not eating much. Doc can suck my dick. Even with her hand in a spllint, Babygirl made the JV softball team at scholl. I is so proud! She is athletica as well as beautiful! My new phone sounds like agameshow when it rings. I need to get a new ringtone! Hubby just fried some spam and it smells so good! I’m not eating any…just breathin’ it in@! Dumbpup (as I now call him) bit himself on teh winkie. Now he’s vet bound cuz it bleeds a few drips when he pees. Why can’t I stay away from the doctos offices. *Breathe deep* I’m goin to my happy place now….ah…mojitos……LOUD music….Mosh pit!…..Have a good weekend!

Linky love! Finn, Epiphany, Absurdist,Robin,Shortie, and Trish. Who did I miss? I know I’m forgetting someone….TELL ME!

Joslyn’s back after a week with Mommy and Daddy. I’ve gotten used to the peace and quiet and slower pace. But this is the day I’m in for… Recipe for Disaster

Take one little girl–19 months old (preferably one who touches everything and doesn’t know the meaning of “no”)

Add one puppy–3 1/2 months old (preferably one who chews everything and doesn’t know the meaning of “no”)

Mix in one “Tickle Me Elmo”. Make sure the batteries are new and also make sure the little girl won’t let it out of her sight.

Combine in a living room with one 45 year old woman with a dodgy back. Don’t let anyone escape. Don’t open door no matter what screaming sounds may emanate from within.

Now throw in heavy rains, wind and possible thunder (the type of thunder that scares the shit out of the old woman).

Leave them alone to simmer for EIGHT HOURS.

After the eight hours, open the door slowly. VOILA–Disaster!!

I just have a coupla things to post. First…For Bluepaintred and all the others who requested a picture of my new love… BEHOLD!!

(Soon to be mounted on the wall above it)

Oh yeah, Slick, see the big bad mean watchdog? He’ll bite you if you try and take it.

Secondly,Babygirl bought me a new book. It’s called “Ipods for Dummies”. I can play solitaire and listen to the songs that she loaded for me. I have yet to download a single song myself. I am inept.

And thirdly….My puppy has decided that his shit is the greatest thing in the world. Now…How do I get him to stop trying to eat it? My dog is a freak.

Hubs is calling……I gotta go see what is different about “Night In the Museum” on Blue-Ray. Oh yeah…did I mention that I got a Blue-Ray player FREE with the television? YAY,ME!!!