So Monday I went to the doctor’s office with Hubs for our follow-up visit. I have had only minimal relief from the shot series. Hubs is also faring little better. This means we move on to the next level.

Just after New Year’s we will both undergo a Rhizotomy. This is a procedure that will cauterize the troublesome nerve endings in the lower back. Hubs has had this before and was pain-free for two and a half years. This is the first time for me and I am scared out of my mind.

You see, the procedure is done like this: I am on my stomach in the OR and I will be put to sleep. The doctor will place needles in the general area of the nerves along one side of the spine. And then…ready for this?….HE WAKES ME UP!!!  You read that right! That’s the time we play a game called “Does this hurt? How bout now?” He will very gently move those needles until he can find the troublesome nerve and re-create the back pain that I get. When we find it, he will put me back to sleep and burn the endings of those nerves.

Hubs has already told me that this is very painful. He also said that sometimes it makes your legs and back spasm (during the procedure) But Hubs has a high tolerance for pain. I DO NOT!!!  I like my drugs for a reason!

So you can see why I am scared. But I am looking forward to being pain-free afterward. You may wonder why Hubs needs this again. Unfortunately, nerves are tricky little devils and they tend to grow back. But two and a half years is a lifetime for me where pain is concerned and if I don’t need the meds for that long, I’ll be a big girl and suck it up.

The doctor and Hubs both knew it would come to this point. But our insurance wouldn’t let us skip to the end. We have to do a series of cortisone shots and then a series of shots directly into the space between the discs. That is eight procedures! And now this ( but this will happen twice-once down the left and once down the right) And the procedure that would alleviate ALL of this isn’t covered by the insurance at all yet! I don’t understand why the companies will pay out for all this shit and the pain meds when I could get one procedure and not need anything else?

Oh and?…The first treatment will be…..JANUARY 2!!!!  What a way to ring in the new year! I can hardly wait!

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I am playing David Frost to Giggle Pixie’s Nixon today. With my insightful questioning, we get to the root of what really makes her tick….or at least why she won’t use public restrooms!!   Go check it out!

Have you seen the commercial for Snuggies? They are blankets with sleeves. Is it just me, or do those people look like they are in some kind of cult?

In the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, Brad Pitt plays a guy who ages in reverse. If that is so, are we supposed to believe that he was a grown-ass man when he was born? He would have torn his mother up!

If I use Breathe Right strips for a child with a cold, does that mean that even more snot can flow down their chin and drip onto their shirt?

What happens if you take DayQuil and NiQuil at the same time? How about Ambien and NoDoz?

My head is near exploding and these are the stupid things that I saw on tv in my delirious state. I hope I don’t stay up all night pondering the inane….

jGrrl is interviewing me…kind of like Barbara Walters on the ‘fascinating people’ show! Of course this interview is exclusive and I sure as hell hope the paparazzi don’t camp out in front of my house now!!

1. If you had three wishes - what would you wish for and why?  I would wish for money. Not so that I could be rich. Just enough for Hubs and me to comfortable in our old age. I would wish for a new back for Hubs and me. We are both sick of the pain. I would wish to have a  party and the means to get all of my blogger friends together in one place. (This means the ones in the Netherlands, France and Canadia too.)

2. If you could change any one thing about yourself - what would it be and why? I would want to be a little more tolerant (or would it be patient?) of ignorant people. Instead, they piss me off and I want to punch them in the back of the head or stab them in the eye.

3. If you were transformed into a guy for twenty four hours - what would you do? I would like to play sports - especially hockey and baseball. These things are just not same played by women. I’d also like to scratch my balls and jerk off just to see what that is like. And maybe have sex with a woman (cuz I’m not gay or bi) Ooh, yeah!! And write my name in the snow!!! (Hmmm…I sound obsessed by the penis.)

 
4. If you were a superhero - what would be your special power and how would you use it? If I were a superhero, I’d like superspeed so I could be two places ALMOST at the same time. And invisibility because I wanna know what that bitch over there is saying behind my back.(And then I’d kick her ass with my invisible fists!)

5. Tell me one strange little known random fact about yourself. I don’t know if it is strange but in high school, I took classical studies (Latin and Greek) for two years longer than was required for graduation. I read the “Odyssey” in Greek. I also took Spanish for four years and was chosen to represent our school in a competition among other Catholic high schools. Because of this, I can swear in seven different languages, and can understand just a smidge of several languages.

Now, the rules….

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I cannot guarantee that the questions will be family friendly…..or in English….and there will be no extra credit!

How do you like me now?

Who knew that one word could bring out the curiosity in people? The word?

SCRAPPLE.

I live in a Philadelphia suburb, not far from Chester County - the home of Habbersett’s, the maker’s of Habbersett’s Scrapple. This means that scrapple was a staple in my diet ever since I can remember.

First….What is scrapple? It is the “lips and assholes” of pork.  Actually, it is all the things leftover after processing everything else. Extra scraps from the liver,kidneys, stomach, bones,– you name it, it’s ground up and in there. It is all the usable scraps mixed with corn meal and spices and made into a loaf. It has been around since the settling of the Colonies (way back before I was born!) George Washington and Ben Franklin both ate scrapple. Who knew?

This is what my normal Sunday morning breakfast looks like. Mmmm…..

It is cooked most commonly by slicing it (looking like a piece of bread) and frying it in a skillet until the outside gets a nice crispy, brown crust and the inside is like a mush. This is incredibly good.

I had assumed that it was available everywhere, but then folks started asking in the comments about it and when I linked it up, I learned that it is pretty much exclusive to my area of the Northeast( Pennsylvania, Delaware and Maryland mainly but it’s also found as far south as Virginia.)

If you ever have the opportunity to taste it, I highly recommend it. Close your eyes and taste it like a grown-up.

Now I wonder…..

What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten or what is one food that is eaten almost exclusively in your neck of the woods? Tell us!!!

All I wanted to do was dye my hair and write out my Christmas cards. That’s all. No unattainable  goals. Just two things.

I got done exactly ONE.

Let me ’splain…

I dyed me hair after waking up so that I could shower immediately afterward. This went without a hitch. I normally get dye all over my face, neck and ears but this time it was a clean job. After getting dressed, I took laundry to the basement, which was covered wall to wall with laundry hanging and waiting to be taken down, sorted and folded. Well, I took them down (Needless task #1) because I needed to get behind them for gift boxes.  (task #2) I took the boxes upstairs and put gifts into them (task #3) so that it would be easier to pile boxes than to kick bags out of my way to get to my dresser drawers. I went into the kitchen to put away those plastic bags and realized that the sink was full of dishes. Since it annoyed me to see them there, I washed them (task #4) and ended up emptying the trashcan, and cleaning the floor. (#5 &6)

As I walked out of the kitchen, I realized that I had done far  more than the two things I really wanted to get done. This started to grate on my nerves. “That’s it!” my mind yelled. “The cards. Get to the cards!”

Under my bed, for the past 20 years, I keep  two things that NEVER get stored anywhere else: a flat box that is filled with tape, scissors, gift labels, and bows and  a shoe box that holds my Christmas mailings. Leftover cards from the last year, spare envelopes, cards from relatives that show their kids in their ballet costumes and most importantly…. THE LIST.

The List is a sheet of paper with everyone’s name on it. Everyone I mail a card to. Business associates’ home addresses, new addresses for family and friends, names of people who send us cards, and those who didn’t due to cutting back. Some are crossed off to shorten the list. Everything is nice and neat and right where I need it. I don’t have to flip pages in my phone book. It is in order. Those that go out of state are first. Local are second. And those that I hand deliver are last.

I can’t find the box. Why would I move it? After 20 YEARS!!! WHY WOULD I MOVE IT??? This pissed me off to no end.

So I searched. And while I searched, I came upon some summer clothes that were waiting to be put away(#7), some crappy sweatshirts that I threw away (#8) , some books that were waiting to be boxed for a friend (#9). I came across my holiday pillows so I took them out and put others away(#10).

“What the Fuck???” my brain screamed. “This isn’t what you wanted to do today! We were going to relax and write cards!”

So I stopped. Right there in my tracks….I stopped…and stepped in a puddle of pee. I had neglected my dog in the frantic searching of the house. I cleaned it up (#11) and almost decided to clean my carpets!

I am frustrated. I am pissed off. I have that nagging feeling in my head that I get when I don’t do something that I had planned. I want to hit. I want to kick. I want to scream and curse. I’m going a little psycho.

I know….I got stuff done. That is NOT THE POINT!

The motherfucking cards are missing. My list is missing. (And don’t be the asshole who comments “You should put it in the computer!”–FUCK YOU!) I have done this the same way for years. It is my personal routine. It is comforting in its sameness. It is relaxing.

My eye is twitching. I need a donut and a cup of coffee.

And then I am going to tear apart the bedroom one more time. If I don’t find it…..pity the first person who comes in the door!

But hey! My hair looks fucking awesome!

There is a delicate situation at hand here and Babygirl and I need some guidance.

She has been friends with M for a long time. She considers him to be her best friend. He is also best friends with her boyfriend. Somewhere along the line, M developed ‘feelings’ for her. She explained that it was not the same for her but that she valued his friendship. We had thought that he had moved on.

During the summer,  he again told her how he felt. Only now he also included that sometimes it was painful for him to see her with his best friend. This time, her boyfriend and she decided to see M separately so as not to aggravate the situation. Eventually, they went back to being in group settings.

Recently, I have learned that M has made references to suicide. Because of unrequited love? Perhaps. But I feel that there must be other things involved. Babygirl and he have talked to a teacher at school in the hopes that they could come to some kind of terms with all of this. I was glad of this and I hoped that now he would find guidance. (The guidance counselors at the school aren’t all that great and the kids have no desire to speak with any of them.)

Tonight, he let her know that he has spoken to his parents about his suicidal thoughts. This should be a great thing, right? Babygirl is devastated and wants to help her friend. But how can she do that when she feels that it is somehow her fault? I told her that this isn’t true and the brain understands and accepts this. The heart? Well, that is another matter.

Babygirl is a beautiful girl with a warm and generous heart. She is happy and flirty and loves all of her friends fiercely. I’d like to see her distance herself a little bit. You never know what can happen. But how can I ask her to do that when everything in her heart (and mine too to an extent) is screaming that she should be there for her friend when he needs her most? I am afraid that she may get hurt in all of this.

 What do I do? What do I say? Is there a middle ground for Babygirl? We have done the important things, right? His parents know. The teachers know. After that, are my hands and hers tied?

I asked her permission before writing this post. I told her that this was beyond my ability as a parent and we agreed to ask you…..to get an ‘outsider’s view’. It is important to her that you all know that M is not some creepy guy that is stalking her. He is not coming right out and saying that he is blaming his emotional state on her. He is a great guy who is in a bad place with his heart right now and we all need a little bit of comforting.

They stand center stage

Golden hair, perfect smiles

The hottest clothes fit the hottest bodies

And the boys watch.

She walks alone

praying no one makes eye contact.

Her lackluster hair hangs over her acned face

She travels the periphery

And no one notices.

The same halls

the same classmates

the same books

What makes them so different?

When did the change occur?

When will it no longer matter?

Babygirl has taken the road less travelled by asking the hardest questions of all….Where do they make balloons? How come people from Poland are poles, but people from Holland aren’t holes? When you take a picture of cheese, what does it say?  Why, oh why, didn’t you just ask where babies came from or why the sky is blue? I will attempt this (or I will never hear the end of this!) Balloons are made when baby latex fairies burp, causing elastic bubbles to be formed. Their mommies wipe their mouths and toss aside the balloon which is gathered by elves and sold to stores. People from Poland are “Poles” because they are stiff when they dance. People from Holland are not “Holes”, because DutchBitch is always calling them “asshats” which sounds better. When you take a picture of cheese it says “geese”. Why? I don’t know.

And finally…..Froggywoogie asks: “If you could visit a country where topless sunbathing is permitted, would you still paint your toes nails?“  Of course I would! If I were topless, my nipples would be so low that if you could see them, you’d surely see my toenails!!

I have really enjoyed your questions. It’s been lots of fun but you will all have to decide for yourself which answers are true and which are pure bullshit!    On that note, we will continue……

Coal Miner’s Granddaughter asked: What is your favorite type of porn?   Did you really think that by adding the smiley, you made the question more innocent? Silly girl! Really, I prefer something in which the girls tits are real, she doesn’t do that fake overthetop “I’m Coming!!! ” orgasm shit,  and the words, “I’ve got something for ya right here” are never spoken.

Teri stepped all over a raw nerve by asking: Why don’t you have your drivers license? There are a couple of reasons and none are legalities. (Are you surprised?) Where I live we have one of the greatest public transportation systems. I have managed to live within a five minute walk from a train, trolley, or bus that connects with a major terminal. Therefore I never really needed to learn. Secondly, early in our marriage, there was no way that we could have afforded two cars or insurance. Third, we lived smack in the middle of both of our parents. If a need arose, they were there. This is a raw nerve now because we no longer live near our parents, Hub’s parents are no longer with us, and well, I’m getting too old to walk or ride the system alone anymore. It’s raw because my New Year’s Resolutions included learning to drive and I have yet to do so and it’s NOVFUCKINEMBER!! I need to do it soon or I will have failed epically!!

Mixed nut waited awhile and threw in: Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Yes. Yes, I do and do you wanna know why? Because you want me to. You want me to hurt you so good…. The crying is a bonus for me.

Fantastagirl wants to know: Why do we still have daylight savings time? Because it was an idea created by a man for the benefit of men and no man will ever admit they are wrong and change it back.

You people and sex!!!…..

Robin wants to know: What’s your favorite sex position?  And Mik wants to know: What’s your least favorite position?  Again with the innocent smileys you cheeky devils!My favorite position would be cowgirl, (on top) YeeHaw!!  My least favorite would be standing on one leg, with the other behind my ear, one arm raised with the other on the floor for balance. I don’t like this one because I get the dreaded ‘ass cramp’.

The other Robin has asked the million dollar question: You are so wise, is it because of all that morphine? If you have ever noticed, when my mental faculties are impaired in some way (morphine, extreme cold or flu, or sleep deprivation) I am able to write rhyming Dr Seuss posts or just crazy limericks. So it follows that  the meds must induce some type of latent capabilities! (Ooh! Look at all the ‘big girl’ words!)

So there you have it. I have answered all of your questions but if you should ever have any more, feel free to drop them on my lap.

 Before you get to the main post, I’d like for you to take a second and check out a post by one of my favorites, Tony Calabrese. Though he is a comedian, he has written one of the best “Pro-American” posts I have read recently. It should be read by all of us and taken into consideration the next time politics is discussed…or argued. We tend to forget, Tony, and I thank you for reminding me.

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Jeez, you guys were downright creative! I thought I’d get one post out your questions but apparently, I will get three…..unless you keep asking!

NOW, onto part 2…..

Evil Genius asked: Why do the birds go on singing? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don’t they know it’s the end of the world? The birds go on singing because I am a lousy shot. Your eyes cry from lack of sleep (due to the damn birds) They will know it is the end of the world when they go “Tweet, tweet, (BANG) thud”

Annie asked: When will I win the lottery with all six numbers ? You will win the lottery when you sign a contract that clearly states “All winnings from this ticket will be shared equally with Metalmom.”

Tug (greedy gal that she is) asked a few questions: If you could be anything you wanted to be, what would it be? What superpower would you want? Where’s my morphine, and why aren’t you sharing? If I could truly be anything, I would be a pediatrician. However, I don’t think I would be able to deal with the negative test results or delivering devastating news to parents. (This is why I didn’t choose it as a career) I may be ‘Metalmom’ but my heart is not made of steel. The superpower I would want is super hearing. I wanna hear what that bitch is saying when I leave the room! I want to overhear a heeeuge stock tip! Your morphine was sent in the mail. I know because I wrote the label out right– shit. I forgot to put the label on the package!

And finally, Whall asked : If you could choose hope or change, which would you choose? I chose hope. And now I am hoping for change. I really hate to say this because I heard it said by Elizabeth Hasslebeck (ugh) this morning. (I hope I am getting this right) “There are no losers in this election. Nearly all of us got out to voice our opinions and did our duty and privilege as AMERICANS. Now we should continue to be those good Americans and cooperate to make our COUNTRY a better place.”