This just in……Babygirl. She is finally home. I know ya’ll are prolly sick to death hearing about it, but I missed her something awful. She had a wonderful time, saw many wonderful things, and she claims to have brought home souvenirs for everyone (even though I have yet to see one of them!) She was in one piece, not pregnant and never got cavity searched by customs.

I had a great time hanging out with everyone at Karl’s, Hilly’s and Fab’s. (Sorry I missed you Turnbaby, but the kid trumped you on this one.) Jester, you are one seriously funny dude! The prank phone calls?……..pure gold! And VulgarWizard? LOOOVE the accent!

And lastly, My carpets are getting shampooed….and I’M NOT THE ONE DOING IT!!!Son1 will be doing the honors in preparation for the party he is throwing in my house on Saturday. Can I just take a moment to say….  “YEAH!!!!!”

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I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to post for tomorrow since I am getting my needles done. Just know this….While you are all going about your jobs, I will be mainlining LEGAL drugs to send me into lala land! Will I be thinking about you? Most definitely……NOT! But no matter what, I’ll be here for HumpDay.

Cheer up….Monday is only 24 hours long.

If I were to write a post, it would be filling up the space in front of you. However, this is the weekend and since I don’t like to think too hard (okay, any harder than usual) I am doing what I do on most Saturday’s….A MEME!  This one comes courtesy of Miss Turnbaby. Now I won’t tag but I’m giving it away ! Take it…one to a customer! 

If I were a direction I’d be… counterclockwise

If I were furniture I’d be… a broken in comfy recliner

If I were a liquid I’d be… beer-all the men would love me

If I were a sin I’d be… jealousy-cuz you know you wanna be ME!

If I were a gem/stone I’d be… an emerald

If I were a metal I’d be…I am a metal-Metalmom!

If I were a tree I’d be…a bonsai

If I were a fruit I’d be…Liberace

If I were a flower I’d be…thistle

If I were weather I’d be…Sunshine

If I were a music instrument I’d be…a hurdy-gurdy

If I were an element I’d be…A car by Honda 

If I were a colour I’d be….hooker-red

If I were an animal I’d be…in a zoo

If I were a sound I’d be…a fart

If I were a lyric I’d be…”If I only had a brain.”

If I were a song I’d be…”Too Much, Too Little, Too Late”

If I were a music type I’d be…Duh! I won’t dignify that with an answer

If I were a perfume/cologne I’d be…Body by Victoria

If I were a feeling I’d be…a-catchin’ sumpin’!

If I were a book I’d be…”Lady Chatterly’s Lover”

If I were food I’d be…in great demand in Ethiopia

If I were a city I’d be…New York

If I were a taste I’d be…something funky

If I were a scent I’d be…sugar cookies

If I were a word I’d be…Fuck

If I were a verb I’d be…Fuck

If I were an object I’d be…Fucked

If I were a piece of clothing I’d be…fluffy socks

If I were an facial expression I’d be…Billy Idol’s sneer

If I were a cartoon character I’d be…She-Ra

If I were a movie I’d be…”The Professional”

If I were a geometrical figure I’d be…A dodecahedron

If I were one of the 4 seasons I’d be…eternal spring

If I were a sentence I’d be…life without parole

Recently, Hubs got new phones  for Babygirl and me and had them added to his business account. This was considered the best thing since …..well, since ever. Babygirl would get unlimited texting (which she really needed-or so she said) I on the other hand, would get unlimited use on the weekend (Now I can call Mr Fabulous and Turnbaby on Sunday nights!)

He picked out new phones and surprised us with them. “Surprised” isn’t quite the word I would use. They were “functional”. (Code for UGLY!) Now, I personally didn’t complain. I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Babygirl, on the other  hand, stated flatly that she would not be seen even holding this monstrosity. Daddy took them back and got us pretty phones. These new ones needed a plan different from the plan he had gotten. So he got another plan too.

My new number is a different area code so we waited to see if there would be roaming charges. However, Babygirl got right into the groove of using her mad texting skillz. Even when her dominant hand was in a splint, she never missed a beat. The texting goes on before school, after school, during break at work, and interspersed through homework time.

The bill came yesterday. Of course our provider fucked it up. (I won’t use the name but it begins with ’spr’ and ends with ‘int’ ) They billed us for the original plan (Just Hubs-for business). And they billed us for a plan compatable with the ‘ugly phones’.  And they billed us for the current plan for the pretty phones. (Following me?) Over a THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

After we cleaned up the shit in our pants, hubs jumped on the phone to have a civilized conversation with customer service. (I would have made merchant marines blush) Now listen to this!  They were expecting the call! NO SHIT! Our account was red-flagged “expect these folks to rip us a new one!” Anyway….it was fixed. No harm-no foul. We spoke to a rep that spoke English clearly and who dealt with us efficiently. What are the odds of that?

Now here’s an interesting tidbit. Babygirl sent almost 8,000 text messages. EIGHT THOUSAND!!!  Are we bad parents? We didn’t tell her that the bill was straightened out. We showed her the bill for a grand and let her shit herself too.  Did she? NO.

“Daddy, you’re just gonna have to call them up. I distinctly asked for unlimited texting and it should be in the package. Fix it.”

And she proceded to text her girlfriend. Did Hubs flinch? Of course not! We’re talking about Daddy’s girl here!

Sunday night was trivia night on Turnbaby’s radio show. I like trivia. I have a gift for remembering stupid shit. But ask me to make a doctor’s appointment for you or tell me that a bill needs to be paid PRONTO and I will forget that I ever heard it.  This tends to get me into a lot of trouble.

But that is not what this post is about. If you have been here alot, (okay maybe ever) you might know that I like my music loud, fast and angry. (Kind of like my sex) This doesn’t mean that I have no knowledge of other types of music. But I have noticed something more recently. During the trivia quizzes, I have been getting alot of those answers right! I am talking specifically about 80’s music.

I really hate 80’s music. If I hear it on the radio, I’d rather drive in silence. Seriously. I make alot of jokes about not liking Duran Duran, or the Pet Shop Boys but I asked myself…WHY? I opened my ears to listen and I noticed that some of this music isn’t half bad. I know all the words.I know the riffs. I know the performers. But why don’t I like it?

OVERKILL.

When these songs were new, they played on the radio constantly. MTV was just as new as the videos they played. The songs were put into heavy rotation. Lots of coming-of-age movies that were set in the 80’s used all of those same songs too. I became disgusted with listening to them and gave up on radio and videos in favor of casettes and this new thing called CDs. During movies, I would tune them out during the montage that seemed to be a requirement for the films. I realized that I missed huge chunks of movies because of the music. It was usually my cue to take a bathroom or snack break.

So I am wondering, is there anything that was ruined for you by overkill? A single movie played on tv constantly? A TV show that reruns repeatedly? What has been done to death for you?

This week was pretty crazy in the Metalmom house. I had kids every day of the week, different numbers every day and different ages every day. It was going well, until I realized that this was a foreshadowing of the summer to come. (Hide all the guns now! I may get an idea to use one!) I became a little depressed at the thought and this also led to my being short-tempered and frustrated. I realized that I must entertain these kids throughout June, July and August. The older they get, the harder this gets.

Coloring books and crayons, stories, and videos will only get me so far. What will I do when they tire of this? I thought that I had come up with a solution….

See? Easy-peasy! I must thank Turnbaby for the idea. (Hm…maybe I shouldn’t mention that…..she is a lawyer!) On the other hand, it kinda backfired on me…..

Yeah, that’s me. I’m in the middle of my ‘nineteenth nervous breakdown’. I was looking for  the shelter of ‘mother’s little helper’. I prayed “I wanna be sedated!” Tied up, getting my hair pulled, and being poked used to have such exquisite connotations. Now it is quite literal.

Don’t worry. With a careful combover, I can hide the bald spot, and the doctor assures me that the bruises will fade in time. With the excellent pharmaceuticals available nowadays, I find myself in a drugged optimism, joyously awaiting June!!

Thank God I got paid for this!

*See the cute little puppy in the background? He was waiting for the opportunity to pee  RIGHT THERE!

This weekend really sucks. It is pouring outside. I mean buckets!! And the wind started up too. The empty trash cans in my yard are dancing in circles. I had to throw a brick into each to keep them from blowing away! A few of the branches on the trees around my house are tapping against the cable wires. This means my tv and computer keep popping in and out, making any kind of movie watching or blog reading a pain in the ass.

Secondly, Hubs and the boys are working this weekend. They are tryng to catch up with work that was put on hold during the “Flu Outbreak of ‘08″.That means it is Me and the Pup just hanging out. What about Babygirl, you ask? She is far too cool to chill with Mom!She will head out with Handsome to his house or else he will come here and they will sit in a corner and giggle into each other’s ears. (BLECH!) Nothing like being the third wheel to your own daughter!

I guess I will spend the day trying to figure out why the audio on my computer sounds like a Spaniard rolling his R’s.The stutter is making me nuts and this is UNACCEPTABLE-especially on a Sunday! This is my time to spend with my compadres. Mi amigos. YOU GUYS!

With any luck, I’ll have it figured out in time to listen to Vulgar Wizard at 1pm , Karl at 5pm, Hilly at 6pm, Mr Fabulous’s Big Birthday Bonanza at 7pm,  Turnbaby at 8pm, and Kyra at 9:30pm. God, I’m pathetic! I have absolutely no life on Sundays.

*Sigh* Whatever!

I had a very eventful afternoon yesterday and that is why I was unprepared with a post. (I will try to write one and tell you guys what happened!) But for now I’m going to give you this little nugget that I “borrowed” from Karl.

Speaking of Karl….Did you hear he’s got a show on Blogtalkradio? Check him out  on Sundays at 5PM Eastern. He’s the leadoff to an evening of fun with all of your friends, like Hilly (6PM) Fab (7PM) and Turnbaby (8PM) Join us won’t you?

And now, onto the Initial Game…

Here is what you do. Use the 1st letter of your middle name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things…nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person you took this from had the same 1st initial.

You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. Middle name letter: F

2. Famous artist/band/musician: Foo Fighters

3. 4-letter word: Fuck (Duh!)

4. U.S state: Florida

5. Boy name: Fred

6. Girl name: Frieda

7. Animal: Ferret

8. Something in the kitchen: Fermometer

9. Reason for being late: Food fight

10. Body Part? Flapping Fat

11. Drink? Fanta

12. Something you shout: Fuck Me!!

13. Something you eat? Fajitas