After two long weeks, the doctor’s office finally called about the CAT scan results. The verdict is…..ALL CLEAR. This is awesome, of course, but it still doesn’t answer the question of why my memory is like shit. A friend suggested an EEG…(is that the one that measures brain waves? Well the brain wave thingy is the one that was mentioned.) I guess we play hurry up and wait some more. In the meantime, there is this:
Logan was just Christened this past weekend. I found myself staring at my kids. One is now the father of this wonderful child. The other two are the Godparents. When did they all grow up into such handsome men and beautiful young woman? They clean up nicely, I must say! Logan arrived at the Church with a basketball jersey and shorts on. His parents and I went into the ‘baby room’ to dress him. I got him into the shirt/vest/ tie combo and when I turned him around to face me, I got teary eyed. (Shut up. Yes I did!) He no longer looked like an eight month old. He looked like a little man. I looked at my son, who was watching us and as his eyes filled, he warned me “If YOU cry, I will too, so stop!!”)
The ceremony was kind of different from the other Christenings I have been to. There was no mass involved, for one thing. The other was that this particular priest was “paparazzi-friendly”. At important parts of the ceremony, he would say, “If anyone would like pictures or to see better, come on up!” You bet your bippy I wanted to! I can’t go anywhere without my camera!
During the sermon on the meaning of Baptism, Logan got tired. He hadn’t napped and had already been passed around more than a cold. He got grumpy and fidgety and his two upper teeth were trying very hard to cut through his gums. He managed to hang with us until his favorite part….water on his head! He loves the water and was excited once the water hit his head. Then he wondered why it stopped. He began to sing and dance a little with his cousin JoJo who was standing near him.
After singing for about ten minutes, he fell asleep…sound asleep. He never even woke up when he was laid upon the altar at the end of the ceremony! I managed to get one of the best photos of my life:
After his much needed nap, he was ready to party, and that is exactly what he did. He greeted all of his guests with a huge smile, he laughed and danced and played. And so did I.
Yesterday, we spent our first whole day together. I want to remember every detail of it. You see, it was the first time that I actually felt like your mom-mom. We were alone. I was yours and you were mine.
I walked in the door and whispered “Hello” because I didn’t know if you were asleep. I was greeted by your wonderfully loud squeal that sounded so much like “HI!” It was the first of so many smiles you gave me. There you were, in your bassinet, all smiles, waves, and kicks. I can’t remember ever seeing a more joyful baby. Have I told you how beautiful you are?
You sat in your little chair and we played. You talked to your giraffe and the little froggie. You are a happy baby.
We lay on your play blanket and even made a fort. You are too young for a fort, but who cares? You laughed and cooed. I pretended that I couldn’t find you, asking “Where’s Logan?” You responded by kicking your feet and squealing. Were you playing too? Were you calling to me? It felt that way.
I fed you and you looked into my eyes while you ate. You held my fingers as your eyes grew heavy. Slowly you grew ‘bottle drunk’. I burped you held you through your hiccups. You threw up on me and I was okay with that. It made you feel better and the smiles returned. I changed your diaper and you were happy through that too. I found your ticklish spots and you giggled for me. It was a beautiful sound.
Eventually you slept and what a peaceful baby you were. Did you dream of playing with me? Did you dream of chasing your dog, Maggie? Or did you dream of Mommy and Daddy and playing with Jazzy? You smiled often while you dreamed.
You woke up and fussed. I could tell your belly bothered you. I felt sad, and wondered if I were to blame. Did you get too much air? Did you not burp enough? You cried. I ran the faucet and you calmed down. Every five minutes or so you did that for half an hour. But when you calmed down, you cooed and smiled. Finally you farted. My lord, child, you sounded like your dad. Then you pooped.
And farted and pooped some more.
I waited until I was sure you were finished and when I removed your diaper, you took my breath away. Goodness, you make big smellies! And then I noticed that it was up your back too. When I took off your onesie, I smeared it in your hair too and you needed a bath. Good thing mommy came home because suddenly I needed extra hands! But I learned how much you love your bath. You happily kicked and squealed as your mommy cleaned you and washed your hair. And you stayed calm as we dressed you afterwards.
All good things must end and our day was one of those good things. Pop-Pop came to pick me up and as we began to drive away, he told me to “stop it”. What was it that he wanted me to stop doing?
I was smiling, ear to ear. Without even realizing it, I was still smiling. You made me so very happy.
I can barely wait until next week when we do this again.
Labor Day. A time to reflect on all those who have built this country on the sweat of their brows and strength of their backs. A time to thank God that you have a job when so many do not. And of course, a time to spend with family and friends at a BBQ or at the shore….good food, cold drinks, and great times.
It is holidays like this that make me miss my in-laws the most.
They were the ones with the biggest yard, most parking and two bathrooms. Mom and Dad’s house was the place for everyone to stop in to say hello and end up staying because someone would offer to light the grill. Tom1 and Tom2 would offer to cook the food. The ‘sisters’ would offer to make salads and whatever. Nieces and nephews would show up with wading pools, water guns, bubbles etc, and most importantly…..the horseshoes.
Children’s laughter would ring out. The clank of horseshoes followed by the men yelling over whether it was a ringer or not. The women would compare recipes, discuss school schedules, or just bitch about their husbands. Since we lived four doors away, and another sister was next door to us, the kids would run up and down the block, and play stickball in the street, or get juice and snacks away from their mom’s watchful eyes.
Now, with Mom and Dad gone, the house is owned by my SIL. She loves family too, but is impatient with babies. She would like everyone to visit, but please go home after an hour. I understand that. Hubs is much the same way. For a while, BBQs were held at another sister’s house, but then the kids became young adults with kids of their own. Her house just couldn’t handle the number of people.
Besides, it isn’t the same.
Mom and Dad aren’t there. Dad isn’t nodding off on the couch. Mom isn’t complaining about the footprints left by the kids or the bugs getting into the house. She had a way of doing that was a million laughs to imitate. It was always a welcoming time. If you had plans, you just didn’t show up. If you didn’t have anything to do, someone would be there to hang out with. Kids would bring their friends…..all of which called them ‘Grandmom and Grandpop”.
We could do it all today. Have a party full of people, food and drink. We’d laugh and have a great time.
And we’d miss Mom and Dad…..even after four years.
Summer isn’t even official yet and already I am dealing with frizzy hair (from the humidity), underboob sweat (from the humidity) and lack of momentum ( from the humidity).
I have planted flowers in my garden. I have trained the dogs not to bark at every damned thing. I’ve done lunch with some friends and breakfast with another.
I have also fucked up.
Babygirl needed to pay $22 for a hole in her dorm screen – which wasn’t her fault and which was reported for repair repeatedly. I know we could have fought it, but it was worth the money to make it just go away. And so I wrote the check, dutifully put it into an envelope and stamped it. Hubs took it to the post office.
Yesterday, Babygirl got an email stating that they got a copy of the work order in the unsealed envelope with no check.
I have been wracking my brain trying to remember if I sealed the envelope. No, this isn’t something that I automatically do. I gag something awful if I have to lick an envelope. I know that I could have dampened a sponge or napkin to do it. I’m fucking lazy. Sue me. Normally, I hand it to Hubs and say “It’s ready to go, just seal it” Normally, Hubs double checks to see if it needs sealing. Did we both fuck up? It’s possible. So we aren’t placing blame, although I have a sinking feeling it was me.
I called the bank, mainly to put a “stop check”, but was informed that I need to close the account and reopen another and start all over.
Fuck my life.
Due to the glorious advances of modern technology, it is super-duper easy to print checks using a laser printer. They have my address which was printed on the check. They have my signature, because I signed the check. So, sometime today, I need to go to the bank – with Hubs – to do this shit. We will get a new account, new checks, and new ATM cards. I’m sure there will be new charges for this.
My energy and back continue to improve. I exercise more and I am still careful not to overdo things. But certain things are getting obvious, even to my guys. They have noticed that the floors get vacuumed, the laundry gets done every day and even the bathrooms are getting done more frequently. It has been a long time since more than one of those things gets done in one day. I like the way it feels.
I have started to turn off the tv and the laptop for a few hours just so that I can enjoy the quiet. Sometimes I’m playing with the dog, or doing a crossword puzzle or I am reading. Even though I accomplish nothing during this time, I feel like I am recharging my batteries. I like the way that that feels too.
On Monday, I got together with my friend Skittles and her daughter. I brought along Jazzy and we went bowling. The agreement was that if it was too much for my back, Skittles and I would sit back and chat while the girls bowled. Well I managed to bowl an entire game with no problems whatsoever! I was shocked and amazed. I was sure that I would wake up achy the next day, but it never happened. I am still not losing the weight, but the effects of exercise is appearing in lost inches and more mobility.
My meds are readjusting. I don’t feel like doing anything and I lost interest in the blog and writing for a bit. I’m sure it will level out soon, but until it does, I won’t be here much. And now that I said that, I just feel……blank. That’s the only way to describe it. The new meds will fix that. (I hope)
In other news, Babygirl’s roommate is leaving school. She is too homesick and did not put any effort into meeting new people or experiencing new things. Babygirl tried to include her as much as possible in her own activities, as did other girls in the dorm, but Julia just closed herself off. Now she is very obviously counting down the days until she leaves. This is very disheartening to my girl. She has also taken the television and coffee maker back home already as part of moving things out a bit at a time. (Shitty move in my opinion) Babygirl has already made arrangements with another friend to move in after the holidays. Neither girl can wait and they are already good friends and they spend lots of time together. Good for them.
And in Facebook World, I have my first ‘real’ drama. One friend from grade school (who is very narrow minded and intolerant in his Republican beliefs) made a comment on another friend’s wall. Friend #2 commented back and thus began a personal attack on friend #2. Friend #1 turned it into a dirty rant. This isn’t the first time he has done this to someone. I realized that I didn’t need such a negative person in my life and I ‘unfriended’ him. Now he is making a point of telling everyone that I did it and whatthefuckever. I am so saddened by this…….NOT!
There was something else going on too, but I’ll wait until tomorrow to write that. I need a purpose to move myself out of these weird funks and that will be my impetus. Until then, know that I am here, and I’m okay, and I am moving forward…..slowly but surely…..
Wednesday September 22nd 2010, 10:47 AM
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have been sort of busy these past two weeks and to tell the truth I was feeling a bit uninspired. The first thing that went on was that I had my bone density test and mammogram. Both are great. I was kind of surprised about the bone density. I used to break bones easily as a kid and though I don’t do it now, I don’t take calcium/ vitamin D supplements as I should and I expected some degree of bone loss. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised.
Armed with these test results, I went back to the gynecologist for a consultation concerning my menopausal status. Due to a few different concerns, we were meeting to discuss HRT, or hormone replacement therapy. I asked some friends for their input and tried to do some research on my own. As I went into the office, I thought I was well informed. I was wrong. Because of my ‘young’ age, HRT can be beneficial. However, there are some serious issues involved in taking it. I was told that if I changed my mind, I could stop at any time. I was bombarded with information. In the end, I decided to skip it. My doctor and I feel that a complete workup by a new family doctor may do more good for me than anything else.
One thing at a time. *sigh*
And so, I have seen a new doctor that I am very happy with. He listened with rapt attention to my concerns. He didn’t make me feel like a hypochondriac. And he said the magic words…”One thing at a time.”
Eventually,we will work on weight loss and finding a diet that will work with the diverticulitis and lowering my cholesterol, hopefully something that won’t be too difficult to keep up with. My thyroid levels will be looked at a bit more closely. But first, there is the wellbutrin….
The new doctor seems to think that my reasons for taking it sound more like anxiety than depression. Wellbutrin will not treat the anxiety. I will wean myself off that and move on to Lexapro. Thankfully, this should help two major concerns that are actually side effects of wellbutrin-loss of libido and weight gain.
I am quite happy right now. I feel more in control of my health-something I didn’t have with my previous doctor.
I never realized how much this has weighed on my mind. I have been feeling like I am the one who is failing at my diet. I’ve felt that it’s my head that makes me forgetful and frustrated. When the new doc told me that it could very well be the wrong medications that make me feel this way, I felt like he was taking a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I feel hopeful again.
I don’t know why I waited so long to make these changes. I hope it all works.
I was with another man. For this man I stripped, baring myself to his scrutiny. He touched me, running his hands over my breasts, gently kneading my skin.
And then he moved lower. He gently parted my knees, and there I was, exposed, vulnerable.
He looked at me closely, taking note of my skin, touching me, in places sacred to only my husband. And he talked to me in a hushed voice. We spoke of mountains, snow and sunsets. We spoke of beauty, and I relaxed.
I went to the gynecologist yesterday.
That in itself is nothing remarkable to most women. It is something we tolerate if we want to use birth control. We must go if we wish to have children. They are with us when our children are born.
Two years after the birth of Babygirl, Hubs went through a rough patch. It was the hardest part of our marriage. He had been laid off. He had been injured and we couldn’t prove that it had been work related. It was disputed whether this was a Workman’s Comp issue or an Unemployment issue. No one could agree and therefore, we got nothing. As the lawyers debated, our savings were depleted. We lost our health insurance, and I stopped going to the doctors.
Until that point, I went to the Ob/Gyn faithfully. I was a smoker and I used birth control pills. This was a bad combination and because of that, I made sure that my pap tests were regular. However, I had an ectopic pregnancy which necessitated the removal of my one remaining fallopian tube. A previous miscarriage had taken the first.
Now, with no way to possibly get pregnant, I had no need for birth control. When we settled with Hub’s employer, we got our insurance reinstated and began playing catch-up with all the doctors. However, I put myself on a back burner. I put off going to the gynecologist and since I was having no problems, it became a matter of “out of sight, out of mind”. I would go to my family doctor for my physical and he would always say that I needed a pap smear. Since I had always liked my gyno, I would assure doc that I would go there…..
But I lied. I never went.
After five years, I knew it would be uncomfortable to go into the office. After ten years it was even harder, and I knew I would be expected to explain myself. And after fifteen years? Even to myself, it was unforgivable. Here I was, telling my daughter that this is an important part of being a woman and I was avoiding it like the plague. I had been getting a physical every year. I got my mammograms religiously. I even got a colonoscopy. And when friends would tell me that they hated the gyno, I was one of the first to open my big, fat hypocritical mouth, urging them to go, telling them that it would be no big deal.
Well, now that I am in the midst of menopause, I figured that I’d better put my money where my mouth is. Babygirl is heading off to college and I won’t be the one to watch over her shoulder to see that she does these things. I have to teach by example.
I went into that office yesterday. The nurse scolded me, but only in a teasing way. The doctor did everything he could to make me comfortable. His only reference to my lapse was “Let’s get you back on track.”
Next thing on the agenda will be the mammogram and a bone density scan.
I’ll make those appointments and keep them. I swear.
This Tuesday was the first day of my last cycle of back treatments. I am so happy about this. I have already noticed a marked difference. I just need to remind myself repeatedly that just because there is no pain, it doesn’t mean I am ready for too much activity!
Last weekend, before the treatment, I noticed something about my pain. I was in alot of it on Saturday and I tried like hell to take it easy. On Sunday, it started out easier. We went out for breakfast but on our arrival home, as I was getting out of the car, POW! Now it was worse than ever. I tried to stay away from the meds because they make me feel too unfocused.
The thing that I noticed, was that it isn’t always the percocet or oxycontin that makes me feel weird. No, my friends. Pain alone was enough to do it. I tried – really tried- to focus. I managed to do some wash….but I left it in the washer to get sour and smelly. I was going to make dinner….but first forgot to take out meat and then later, forgot that I was supposed to cook it! I found it hard to have a conversation with Hubs because I couldn’t find the words I was looking for. I would say ,”Hey Hubs. I was just thinking….” and forget what I was thinking!
We went to the grocery store Sunday night to grab a few things. I figured that once I got home, I would drug myself up and then go to bed. I couldn’t make a choice to save my life. Thank God Babygirl was there to help me out!
Now for some time, I have thought it was either the pain pills or the depression meds that made me goofy. Now I know for sure that it was the underlying pain that caused me to be this way. (I am not planning to stop either meds, no worries) Now that one half of my back is pain-free, I find myself with clear thoughts. I am able to start doing something during the day and I am actually getting things done! I can read more than one paragraph of a book or a blog. I can plan on calling my mom and I actually do it! I can take the pain meds and still function.
The weather is also very nice. I am getting off my butt and walking with the dog more. I can watch tv and remember what I was watching. I am starting to feel like my old self again.