I went to the doctor for a checkup on my thyroid function last week. It seems to be working okay, except for one thing. I’m not losing weight. This is a concern not only for me but for the doctor as well. I’m not getting younger and this could be serious further on down the road.

I know y’all are probably tired of hearing about this, but it’s weighing (HEH HEH) heavily on my mind.

I’m exercising. I’ve cut out a majority of the carbs. I gave up the Southern Comfort (except for ONE- only once a week). I stopped using butter. I’m eating more veggies. And still nowhere.

So the doctor gave me something called Alli. It binds with the excess fats in my meals so that my body doesn’t absorb it. It simply passes through.

Quickly.

Did you ever hear of ‘olestra’? It’s that stuff that made the news when someone made potato chips with this stuff. It caused “anal leakage“.

Yup. You read that right. “Anal Leakage“. As in ‘Hershey squirts’. As in ’skitters galore’. As in ‘fart+ shit= shart.’ As in ‘fart + poop = foop”.

If I take this stuff I run the risk of the sharts.

The horror is that I’m considering this. You see, it is used as behavior modification , kind of like those dog collar shocker things. If the dog goes beyond the boundaries set, he will get a shock. So he learns not to do that. If I go beyond my allowance of fats, I will have “digestive consequences”.  (Yeah, that’s what they call it.) I will be forced to learn a new way of controlling what I eat.

As long as I pay attention, I have no problems. If there is a reason why I am eating a high fat count meal, I simply don’t take the Alli (hence I won’t gain the benefit of having that fat ‘flushed’.) I can expect to safely lose approximately 3 pounds a week. After I stop taking Alli, I should be accustomed to eating a diet with lower fat counts and a steady amount of calories. Eating differently would mean keeping the weight off.

I know I could probably just alter my eating habits on my own, but knowing myself, I will cheat. There will be no consequences for bad behavior. The Alli will keep me accountable.

I tend to stick close to home unless I take the kids somewhere. Besides, they are headed back to school next week. I have a treadmill, so I won’t have to stop walking. (I’ll go back to walking outdoors once my body adjusts.) This doesn’t have to be an embarassing undertaking for me.

What do you think? Do the pros outweigh (heh heh again) the cons? After all, I will be under a doctor’s supervision.

Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when the doctor simply prescribed ‘yellow jackets’ or ‘black beauties’? There’s got to be a shyster out there willing to hook a bitch up with some legal speed!

Where are you?? Come out of the woodwork!!

My legs still hurt.

I walked a bit today. Just enough to keep the muscles good. Tomorrow I’ll work ‘em out again. I am planning to do this every other day for a while. Later I will try for every day. Until then, I am becoming very good friends with this:

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On a different note, I wanted to post this for Winter. I think of her every time I hear this song. And it’s also for Unkey Monkey, who agrees with me that these guys are hot! Yes it’s in German, but parts are in English. Learn something new….!

I have been exercising. No, seriously. I have been paying attention. I have been walking more faithfully. I pulled out my weights. I pulled out my treadmill for really hot or rainy days. I’m tired of carrying this lard with me.

Most of my walking is done in the morning. It’s cooler. The streets are quieter. And the dog seems to like it too. Most times I manage to get home again early enough to shower or just sit down to watch Good Morning America before the kids get here. It’s been working out good for me.

Babygirl also walks. She meets a friend and they go walking almost every day. They leave well after I get home, and sometimes she is not even aware that I have left the house and returned.

Here’s what I didn’t know.

Her friend has been walking to lose weight too. He used to weigh 245 lbs. at the beginning of the summer. Now he weighs 216 lbs. and is still working at it. She has been his ‘trainer’. She’s been pushing him and encouraging him not to give up.

Tonight, Hubs and I decided to walk after dinner. Since she had just returned from a softball game, and was already in her workout clothes, she decided to go with us. We took our normal route. Not too long, not too short.

And then things got ugly.

As we neared the point of returning home, she called me a wuss. “You call that a walk?” THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS!!

So we accepted the challenge.

We saw parts of our town that we never knew existed. We saw the homes of  ‘Old Money’- those homes with boats, Lexuses and BMW’s in the wrap-around driveways. We saw gardens galore (that itself was a whole other nightmare! Oh, the skeeters!!))

We walked aproximately 2.5 - 3 miles. (Compared to the usual ONE mile!) We went up hills and down. We went over the river and through the woods. Literally. Well, to be honest it was more like a creek, but hey, there was still water involved!

We got home 2 hours after left we left. (Can that be right? Wouldn’t that mean we actually walked further than 3 miles? I sure as hell feel like it. I’ll have to tell Hubs to drive that route and measure the mileage.)

My left foot has a blister. My knees are killing me. Not wearing a sports bra  means that my boobies jiggled like jello and now they hurt too. I think  even my hair hurts.

I will definitely be moaning this Monday morning. But it’s a good hurt.

I think I have found a personal trainer that will work for food!

Every year, beginning around March, I begin to spazz over the weight I haven’t been able to shed no matter how hard I try. I spazz because bathing suit weather is around the corner. Normally, there is a cushion involved because we don’t usually vacation until mid- to late August. This year we are going in late July.

AAAHHH!!!!

There is no time to do anything about my predicament. Oh well…..

We put a deposit on the place we are staying at and took a little spin around the area. What I saw made me forget about MY weight.

Did I actually see these particular women? No, but I might as well have. Oh dear God! What makes people think this is okay? Why should boobs spill out of your top? If you are NOT eighteen years old or perky, put that shit away!!!

Does anyone really want to see a woman (or man–you fellas are not immune to this behavior!) lift all of those rolls of fat to apply sunscreen? When you turn around, we DON’T want to see where the good Lord split you!

Hubs and I saw a woman with her four kids crossing the street, looking pretty close to  this. We looked at each other and simultaneously said “Holy Shit!” I almost felt the bile rise in my throat.

I don’t think I will be worried about how I look in a swimsuit this year. Mine will cover my ass. I will not ‘accidently’ pop a titty out of the top. And I will look at these other women and say  “Damn! I look pretty fuckin’ hot compared to her!”

This winter, more than most others in the past, I gained weight. Normally I chalk this up to “hibernation fat”. You know, the kind you get from eating all the stuff that you can bake because it’s cold outside, or the stuff you eat over the holidays.

I tried to be careful over the holidays. Really. I’m not even lying! SHUT UP! SERIOUSLY!

I gravitated towards the veggie trays. I stuck with two cookies instead of a dozen. I drank water–even on the coldest days—instead of hot cocoa.

And yet….

My niece’s graduation party was yesterday. I forgot. My SIL called in the morning to ask for her large cooler (which was in my basement) Oh yeah!! That was today!! We rushed around doing all the errands that we thought we had all day to complete. We got home, and started getting changed to go. Hubs asked me to iron a shirt. No prob. Done in a second.

Since it was hot outside, and it was outdoor party, I went to the storage bin to find my summer clothes. Oh.my.God. I had nothing that fit me. Not one pair of jean shorts, skirt, skort, or sundress. Jesus! When did this shit happen????

The pain in my back had caused me to avoid more activity than usual. Now, I have to pay the piper. I got lucky though. I found one pair of shorts way in the back. I have never worn them because they were given to me by someone who had gotten too big to fit in them. I was ever so saddened by the fact that they fit–albeit tightly.

I am so upset and getting more depressed the more I think about it. I don’t like to get depressed. I am not the type of person who likes to wallow in sadness. I have to find a happy thought so that I can cling tight and avoid going under….

 I just thought of something…SHOPPING!!!!  A whole new wardrobe!!!!  A new look!!!!

 Fuck you! Roll with me on this!!

I saw this at Robin’s and since some of the answers tie into what I did today, I decided to do it this way! 
What’s on your mind? My hair…..Oh wait, that’s on my head! On my mind….let’s see….I wonder if I can have quick sex in time to watch a movie without Hubs knowing he’s being rushed……Oh hell yes I can!

Where is your significant other? Taking a shower and shaving in anticipation of his wild night of ‘quickie’!

Have you ever made out in a basement? Made out? Yes. Done it? Yes. Gotten pregnant? Yes to that too.
 

Is your driveway steep? Steep enough for skiing? No, of course not. Steep enough to make me stumble if I’m drinking? YES!

Name 4 things you did today?  1) Found cute jeans in my size, 2) Tried them on and they fit, 3) Squealed like a 14 year old,  4) Was so happy that I bought two pair!

Suprising? Yes This never happens to me!!! (ps They were from the junior’s department!!!!!! BONUS!)

Have you ever been tied up? Didn’t you see this picture?

Have you ever had 2 dates in one night? Two dates? I once had a whole bowl of dates before bed and I woke up with diahrrea!

What have you eaten today? Coffee and Pixie Stix for breakfast, salad for lunch, chili for second lunch, ice cream for dinner and goldfish for evening snack. I haven’t decided what my midnight snack will be. 

Which shoe do you put on first? The one without dog poo from the middle-of -the night walkies.

Do you get distracted easily? Not usually, but I….Did you see that??

I kind of like Monday Moanings and I do offer them as a place to air your own gripes just as I air mine. I vented on my weight, which is really more of a whiny thing to do, but–it is what it is. I realized as I composed it, that not many men would admit to having their own issues with weight and quite frankly, I thought Id scare them off.

To those brave men who commented (and didn’t sign them as ‘anonymous’) I thank you by offering this:

 I must admit, that if given the choice between chocolate and Jessica Biel, I’d choose JB.(GASP!) She looks so fucking hot and she’s less filling. I’m counting calories for fuck’s sake!

Don’t worry ladies. I’m thanking you too- for sharing your own stories, diet tips, and support. Here is some eye candy for you too:

YUMMY!!  Ryan Reynolds is very low in calories,too. I may even work up a sweat once my imagination gets going!!  MMMM….Jessica, touch Ryan,..yeah like that!  Now me….. ooh you know I like that!!……

I kind of like Monday Moanings and I do offer them as a place to air your own gripes just as I air mine. I vented on my weight, which is really more of a whiny thing to do, but–it is what it is. I realized as I composed it, that not many men would admit to having their own issues with weight and quite frankly, I thought Id scare them off.

To those brave men who commented (and didn’t sign them as ‘anonymous’) I thank you by offering this:

 I must admit, that if given the choice between chocolate and Jessica Biel, I’d choose JB.(GASP!) She looks so fucking hot and she’s less filling. I’m counting calories for fuck’s sake!

Don’t worry ladies. I’m thanking you too- for sharing your own stories, diet tips, and support. Here is some eye candy for you too:

YUMMY!!  Ryan Reynolds is very low in calories,too. I may even work up a sweat once my imagination gets going!!  MMMM….Jessica, touch Ryan,..yeah like that!  Now me….. ooh you know I like that!!……

 I am done moaning about this- I am now SCREAMING!!! Men-I think you won’t give a shit about this, but ladies- I guarantee you’ve been here before!

I truly don’t have body issues. My husband loves me and never notices whether or not I’m gaining weight or just retaining fluid. As a matter of fact he’ll hug me and tell me I’m having a ‘good boob’ day when I’ve spent the day moaning that I’m overflowing my bra. Well, for the past year, I’ve noticed that  increasingly I’m not happy with my body.

I quit smoking 2 years ago this August. It was certainly not easy,as I had a 30 year romance with cigarettes. At the same time, I injured my back. Also, not easy to deal with. (Now is the time to cover your ears)…I gained 20 FUCKING POUNDS from quitting smoking. It could have been worse, I’m sure. But I was comforted by the thought that it was easier to lose 20 pounds of fat than 20 pounds of cancer. When I injured my back, I couldn’t walk the 3 miles I did every day. Yoga stopped and pilates eventually fell to the wayside.20 MORE FUCKING POUNDS!!!!

 Now-What to do??The back problems would be easier to deal with if I lost weight.I’d lose weight if I could exercise and sweat some fat off. I’d exercise more if my back didn’t hurt. You see where I am???

Hubs says why worry about it?He loves me as is. I’ve always been happy enough as a size 12. (Before all of this)As a size 12, I’m surely not a cover girl- but I am a NORMAL WOMAN!! Today I wanted to feel pretty and I rooted through my stuff and pulled out my size 16 tops.(!!) Two were TOO TIGHT!! Okay, time for the backup 18’s. TOO TIGHT!! AAHH!!! I am not a happy camper! My best friend-God Bless Her-tries to focus on my good points by telling me that my legs are great (they are, I will admit) but that is small comfort when my gut is hanging out all over the place.

My biggest(ha ha) problem is this–why are all the cute clothes in sizes 10 or less? Why do designers assume that  if I wear a size 16  waist, that my legs are heavy below my knees? Shorts all look like skirts on me. Dresses are hideous. This summer has got to be the worst.  What are y’all dealing with?  And men– if any of you stuck around–do you have troubles like this?

The avatar on the left looks the way I did until two years ago. I’m gonna look that way again if it kills me! Then watch out!!

PS: Can you guys picture me crowd surfing now?? HA!!