Last weekend, before the treatment, I noticed something about my pain. I was in alot of it on Saturday and I tried like hell to take it easy. On Sunday, it started out easier. We went out for breakfast but on our arrival home, as I was getting out of the car, POW! Now it was worse than ever. I tried to stay away from the meds because they make me feel too unfocused. 

The thing that I noticed, was that it isn’t always the percocet or oxycontin that makes me feel weird. No, my friends. Pain alone was enough to do it. I tried - really tried- to focus. I managed to do some wash….but I left it in the washer to get sour and smelly. I was going to make dinner….but first forgot to take out meat and then later, forgot that I was supposed to cook it!  I found it hard to have a conversation with Hubs because I couldn’t find the words I was looking for. I would say ,”Hey Hubs. I was just thinking….” and forget what I was thinking!

We went to the grocery store Sunday night to grab a few things. I figured that once I got home, I would drug myself up and then go to bed. I couldn’t make a choice to save my life. Thank God Babygirl was there to help me out!

Now for some time, I have thought it was either the pain pills or the depression meds that made me goofy. Now I know for sure that it was the underlying pain that caused me to be this way. (I am not planning to stop either meds, no worries)  Now that one half of my back is pain-free, I find myself with clear thoughts. I am able to start doing something during the day and I am actually getting things done! I can read more than one paragraph of a book or a blog. I can plan on calling my mom and I actually do it! I can take the pain meds and still function.

The weather is also very nice. I am getting off my butt and walking with the dog more. I can watch tv and remember what I was watching. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

Now I can’t wait to get the other side done!!

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And don’t forget to check out Finn, Ren, Robin and Bluepaintred.

***I had a few plants that were too big for the pots that they were in. They were actually starting to die because of it. So I went to Home Depot and got some potting soil and started to redo them. The biggest one, I put into a punch bowl to let the roots grow a bit. But a smaller one, I repotted. The next day, I noticed that I had gnats here and there in the house. I assumed that it was because of standing water with the plants.  I put out some balsamic vinegar to get rid of them and finally got around to repotting the big plant. I set up my gear and opened a brand new bag of soil. Fucking gnats came out of the bag! It wasn’t the water, it was the soil! FML.  (Got rid of the gnats, but still….)

***I can’t find my ear buds. I miss watching movies on the laptop and listening to my ipod. FML.

***My dog has stinky gas. My dog only wants to sit right up next to me. I gotta get up and move NOW to escape!! FML.

***I guess that means that’s all for today.

And don’t forget to check out Finn, Ren, Robin and Bluepaintred.

I hope you all have a happy Humpa Day!

 I was only having a candle demonstration. It was a favor to Shenanigan. She would get extra party points if someone agreed to book at her party. Besides that, the girl from PartyLites was new. Shenanigan’s party was her first. So I volunteered to have a party.

Twice snow has forced a cancellation. Once it was just enough to wet the streets, but because the temperatures were so low, the streets froze. The other time, the cities were closed. This time, finally, the weather has cooperated.

One thing remained the same….no one knows what RSVP means.

This really pisses me off. It’s not a new thing. It’s happened before. If I wanted to call everyone on the day of the party for an answer, I wouldn’t have asked weeks ahead of time. I gave the date, hoping that they’d mark the calendar….way ahead of time….but no, suddenly, they all have plans. Don’t like demos? Fine. Just say so.

I don’t want to buy diet sodas for those that drink it. I don’t like it and if they don’t show, who gets to have it sitting around? Me.  I don’t want to make a big veggie tray or cheese and crackers because it will go to waste in my house.

I can’t imagine what it is like for someone throwing a wedding, or anniversary party. We will be throwing a graduation party for Babygirl and a 50th birthday party for Hubs. Both of these will involve lots of food and drinks. I swear to Jeebus, if you don’t RSVP, don’t show the fuck up at my door. I will suddenly not have enough food or drink for you….because YOU WERE UNEXPECTED!!!!

On Sunday morning, I put it into a container with Italian dressing. (I am only now, after all these years, attempting this due to the fact that my family hates anything that is seasoned with more than salt and pepper) On Sunday before going to bed, I flipped it and put it back in the fridge. I was quite confident that I was going to cook this right.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling too achy to get up. I lay in bed watching television until I looked at the clock and realized that it was two hours later than I had planned to get the crockpot fired up! I made my way to the kitchen and pulled my crockpot out from under the sink, which is the only cabinet large enough to store it. I plugged it in to heat while I seared the steak on the range.

It smelled so good! I cut up a large sweet onion, added some beef broth and minced garlic and finally added the steak. While that started, I peeled some carrots and cooked them just a bit on the stove to be sure that they would be tender.

I kept getting an odd whiff of something every so often…..a sort of  ’rubbery’ smell. I looked everywhere in the kitchen and I just couldn’t find where the culprit was. Maybe it was just the smell of the marinade that had cooked on the steak? I don’t know. I added the carrots, along with some potatoes and covered the pot. Then I continued my day.

I took a shower and as I opened the bathroom door, I still had the smell in the hall. I went into the kitchen and searched again. At this point I was convinced it was the marinade, and I hoped that it would dissipate before the guys came home from work.

Hubs came home early-of course! I asked him flat out if he could smell something. “Like what?”  I described it as ‘very warm or hot rubber’. “Is it possibly a wire casing? “  He sniffed around the kitchen and the dining room and said he didn’t smell a thing! (How could he miss it??)

Next, the boys came in. Son2 smelled nothing and went upstairs to get cleaned up. Son1 humored me by sniffing all over like a hound dog. “Mom I can’t smell anything.”  So I finally had to accept that perhaps it was my imagination or guilt at having tried something new in my cooking.

We ate dinner. Oh.My.God!!  That roast came out so incredibly tender!!  I will definitely buy one of those again and I will definitely use marinade again. Everyone ate their fill and complimented me on dinner-something that rarely happens around here!

Later, I cleaned up the leftovers. I unplugged the crockpot and emptied out the food. Then I took out the ceramic ‘pot’. Lo an behold there was a rubber stench that came out of the bottom. I looked inside and there was yellow goo.

What the fuck is that???

As I tried to wipe/scrape it out, I figured out what it was…..

While it was stored under the sink, I managed to put one of my cleaning gloves in the bottom. It never occurred to me to look inside before placing the ceramic pot in. Now….my poor baby…my crocky…..my best friend when I’m not feeling well….is dead. (Believe me- DEAD. Hubs and I have both tried to clean out the gunk.)

After they had a great big chuckle at my expense, Hubs and Son2 promised that I will get a new one…..as long as I promise to make that roast again!

I am having a perfect storm of ‘bad’.  Not my husband, kids or friends. It’s me. Capital M. Capital E. I am constantly bitching at my poor Hubs. He knows something is wrong but is afraid to ask. We are so in tune to each other that he knows that I will bite his head off if he says “What’s wrong?”  He is being ever so sweet. He helps me clean the house. He helps with Bandit. He cooks me breakfast and orders dinner. But it doesn’t make me happy.

Babygirl has been so happy lately. We (she) is getting all of her FAFSA papers filed. She hasn’t argued with me. She has cleaned her room.(mostly) She helps with the laundry.She has chosen her roommate for next year and they are like long lost friends. It will be a good pairing.  But it doesn’t make me happy.

A major part of the problem is that the doctor has cut the dosage of my antidepressant in half. (”Let’s see how you make out with less of a dosage. Maybe we can wean you off of it.”) I learned my lesson about that. I would stop taking it every spring so that I could take something for my allergies. In the summer, I am out in the sunshine more, and therefore, I am happier. But as soon as September rolls around, I am depressed, and I have to ask the doctor to put me back on them. This is the first year I have stayed on them and I am very happy with the results that I have been having. I am humoring Dr. Asshat for the next week or so. Then he will have to humor ME.

Another part of the problem is that the pain in my back has worsened. This isn’t the first time it has happened after a series of shots. But it is the first time that I am in excruciating pain that keeps me in a constant cycle of sit/stand/walk every half hour or so. My pain meds are not working completely. I called his office today and we are in the process of getting me into the hospital for my neuralytic. This is the only thing that has made me happy.

I haven’t been thrilled with movies or music. This is highly unusual for me. I had been writing and now I look at the page and it takes too much effort for me to reread and find my place again. I log onto Facebook and aside from a comment here or there, I don’t even want to hang out there. This has not gone unnoticed by my friends. I am Ms Crankypants. I have lost my funny. I am the cheerleader. The clown. The jokester. Now if anyone says anything to me, I have a very curt answer. I am cynical. Cold.

Now that I have filled this page with an explanation, it is obvious to me what my next step should be.

I don’t think I’ll wait a month for Dr Asshat. Fuck that.

I want ME back.

I mention this because both of the girls went to school with my niece. They were killed less than half a block away from her home….a home which also faces the tracks.

Every day in school, their absence will be felt by their friends. Their desks will be empty as well as their spots at the lunch table. Their friends will walk past their lockers expecting to see their faces or hear their laughter. They will walk past “that place” and always remember what happened there.

I know. I lost a friend at the same age. He slipped on wet leaves and fell under a trolley. To this day, when I pass that trolley stop, I say a prayer for him because I remember that tragic day.

For me, his death made me more aware of standing back away from the edge of the platform. I learned to respect the rolling steel box that took us to and from school every day. I tried to impart this lesson to my own kids. They also walked along the trolley tracks and sometimes the train tracks. I would beg them to stay away. When I caught them, they were grounded, but they continued to walk the tracks with their friends. They thought I didn’t know, but they were “immortal” teenagers.

This is not the first time that a train has taken such young lives. Each of my sons lost a classmate in this way. No matter that Amtrak places fences along the rails. Kids will find a way to take a shortcut. Such a steep price to pay for saving a few seconds.

I don’t understand why we can’t learn from these tragedies. I mean ‘we’ as in ‘humans’. Living in an area close to two major train lines, I hear these stories more than once or twice a year. It is not only children who cross where they shouldn’t. It isn’t only teenagers who take a shortcut when they are out walking. Adults are guilty of this behavior also.

I’ll prayer for these girls and their families. I’ll pray for my niece and all of her friends.

And I’ll pray that someday, maybe someday soon, the message will sink in…..Keep off the tracks.

My friend Hilly has returned to California after trying to live in Florida. It seems that Florida is just not where her heart is happiest. Yes, she has her very best friends there and she is definitely surrounded by unconditional love, and yet….something was missing. And so, she went back to California, a place that gives her both happiness and peace.

I have read the posts that she had written about her inner struggles with this choice. I have read what her friends think about this subject and it has led me to wonder…..Where is your heart happy? 

I know that we are all going to say, “I am happy with my family/pets/children”  But on that spiritual level, what gives you peace?

My soul, for some reason is unbelievably peaceful in the historic district of Philadelphia. I don’t why this is. I can stroll the streets, visit museums, see the birthplace of America and I am perfectly content.I feel an unexplainable connection. I don’t need anyone to be with me when I am there. I just….am.

I am also very happy to be on a beach. All the troubles that I may feel, all the worries that may be in my head, are washed away - even for a moment or two - by the constant ebb and flow of the tide. My mind can go absolutely blank as I drink in the vastness of the ocean. On a cold winter’s day, I can feel the wind whip a frigid mist that will spray me. On a hot summer’s day, I feel the sun shine on me. And both times, I will be happy and at peace with the world.

Where is your home?

The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keeps you there.  ~Ellie Rodriguez

In our house, Hubs will say “gather up the bills and we can handle that tonight.”  This means taking each bill and totalling up the balances. When he comes home we decide which ones will get paid immediately and which ones will wait until next week. Then I write the checks and stuff the envelopes (because the internet cannot be trusted with the information needed to pay the bills. ‘Big Brother’ and all that..)

This month we - and by ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ - are dealing with the billing company used by our back doctor. When we go to his office, we have an option of paying the co-pay or being billed for it. The next time Hubs wants to be billed? I will punch his junk. Seriously.

In January, we went into the office and were told that we owed a balance. So we paid that balance and the co-pay. That’s that, right? Nope. Then we get a bill for $50.00 (The old balance) We told them we paid it. “Oh, okay. I see that. Ignore this bill”  Then, we get a new bill.  Hubs owes $40.00 and I owe $10.00. Hmmm….So I call the doctor’s office. The woman is pissed off by the incompetance of the billing company and she goes through this all the time.  Yes, we paid. If billing has a problem, tell them to call the office.

Big sigh. Finally it’s finished.

I get a call from the billing department. Seems that we owed something from 2009. When we paid in the office, they used it for the back balance. Now we owe co-pay for the January visit.  Fucking $80.00.  I should have just paid the $10 and $40. I understand the billing. She explained it over and over until I ‘got it’ .  Now I have to explain it to Hubs. I don’t see this going well.

The doctor is in the process of finding a new company because shit like this is happening to more than a few patients.  What if I pay it and it is actually less or non-existent?  What if I ask why I haven’t been billed before now and then they look closely at the bill (as they did this time) and I find out that it is substantially more?

I loathe incompetance.  This is beyond a small mistake. It is happening to other people. When Hubs and I go in for the back injections, we are among the younger patients. How many of the older people are from the era that ‘billing is always correct’ ?  How many will pay it, no questions asked? How many of you double check the dates of the services you are provided?